[Movie opens, red lips appear on the screen, someone from offstage, the audience member screams "LET THERE BE LIPS!" And there were lips. And they gave great head.]
LIPS: Grandpa Higurashi was there the day Japan stood still, but he told us--
AM: TO FUCK OFF!
LIPS:…Where we stand--
AM: ON OUR FEET!
LIPS: And the Shichinintai was there in--
AM: EDIBLE!
LIPS: --Silver underwear (KINKY) and Miroku Houshi was the invisible man. (BUT HE DIDN'T SHOW UP) Then something went wrong, for Yura Wray (FUCKING) King Kong, they got caught in a (SEXUAL) demonoid jam. (YEAH JAM!) Then at a deadly pace, it came on (KAGOME'S FACE!) from outer space. And this is how the message ran…
Science fiction - the anime feature, Samurai X will build a creature. See androids fighting Inuyasha and Kagome (ASSHOLE--SLUT). And Kikyo stars in Forbidden Planet. Oh, oh, oh, oh... ...at the late night, anime feature, picture show. I knew Leo G. Carrol, was over a barrel, when tarantula took to the hills. (LICK THOSE LIPS!) And I really got hot, when I saw (KAGOME'S TWAT). Jeanette Scott, fight a demon that spits poison and kills. (WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?) Sango said prunes, gave her the runes (THEY GAVE ME THE SHITS!) and passing her breasts, gots some skills. (YEAH SKILLS!) But when worlds collide, said Kou-GA to his bride, I'm going to give you some (SEXUAL). terrible thrills. Like a... (BUTT-PLUG)Science fiction - anime feature, Samura X (SEX, SEX, and more SEX!) will build a creature. See androids fighting (AND FUCKING AND SUCKING ON). Inuyasha and Kagome. And Kikyo stars in (WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE?) Forbidden Planet. Oh, oh, oh, oh... ...at the late night, anime feature, picture show. I wanna go, oh, ho, ho... ...to the late night, double feature, anime show, By FUC. (K WHO?) Oh, ho, ho... ...to the late night, double feature, anime show. In the back row. (FUCK THE BACK ROW! FUCK THE FRONT ROW! BACK ROW SUCKS, FRONT ROW SWALLOWS!)
Oh, ho, ho... ...to the late night, double feature, anime show.
[Movie opens, lips fade into a steeple. PASSION OF THE LIPS! It's a wedding, Sango and Miroku are getting married]
Photographer: Here they come!
AM: SO DOES INUYASHA!
Photographer: Smile nicely, parents, grandparents. Eh, not Miroku's his are dead. Give us a nod. God, what ugly kids. Smile…. Oh, that's beautiful! (Snaps his camera) and smile! (snaps camera again)
Miroku: Awesome! (high 5's the photographer)
Everyone: Congratulations!
Inuyasha: I don't think there's any doubt you two will get separated. (Is that a foreshadow?) You and Sango have been insex-separable since Totosai gave you two a refresher course!
Miroku: To tell you the truth, Inuyasha. She was the reason I came in the first place. (IN BED?) In bed. I never gave a shit about science, it was all that hot backstairs. All Totosai did for me was introduce me to those fun bags…
Inuyasha: (rolls his eyes) Yes, Kagome and I are both fond of him--
[WE DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK! Sango gets ready to throw the bouquet, crowd of all the girls come behind her. THROW IT TO THE SLUT!)
Kagome: (catches it) I got it! I got it!
Miroku: Well lookie Inuyasha. Looks like it could be your turn, huh? Good luck…. You're gonna need it.
Inuyasha: Who knows.
Miroku: Well, see ya!
[Miroku and Sango drive off, guests wave and shout, Kagome and Inuyasha are left standing]
Kagome: Oh Inuyasha, wasn't it wonderful? (NO!) Didn't Sango look radiantly beautiful? (NO, her fat ass ruined it!) Oh I still can't believe just an hour ago she was plain old Sango now (She's still plain!) she's Sango Houshi!
Inuyasha: (walks away) Yes, Kagome. Miroku's a lucky guy.
Old guy: Oh I always cry at weddings, and laugh at funerals!
Inuyasha: Good cook too. Better than you.
Kagome: oh…. Um. Yes…
[chord plays] Oh shit, asshole's gonna sing.
Inuyasha: Hey Kagome.
Kagome: Yes, Inuyasha?
Inuyasha: I've got something to say. (IT'S A MUSICAL, SING IT ASSHOLE!)
Kagome: Uh-huh?
Inuyasha: I really loved the…. (STARTS WITH AN S, sexual, skillful…) Skillful way! (What a fucking genius) You beat the other girls. (With whips and chains) to the bride's bouquet.
[And he goes into song, running up the steps to the church]
Inuyasha: The river was deep but I swam it. Dammit. The future is ours so let's plan it, dammit. So please don't tell me to "sit" god-dammit, There's one thing to say and that's FUCK YOU, bitch! I wanna screw!
(Kagome swoons after him)
Inuyasha: The road was long but I ran it, dammit! There's a fire in my heart and you fan it!
[coffin is carried by them] Hey is that Kagome's mom?
Inuyasha: If there's one fool for you than I am it (pulls out chalk and draws at heart on the door)
ONLY ASSHOLES GRAFITTI A CHURCH
Inuyasha: I have one thing to say and that's DAMMIT, Janet--KAGOME I mean! I said lets screw….
[he kneels down in front of her pulling out a ring, she screams]
Inuyasha: Here's a ring to prove that I'm no Joker…
BUT BATMAN!
Inuyasha: (puts it on her) There's three ways that love can grow…. FIND EM, FUCK EM, FORGET EM! That's good, bad, or mediocre.
Hey Inuyasha, how do you spell slut?
Inuyasha: Oh K-A-G-O-M-E I love you so!
Kagome stands up and then squeals, looking at her ring. He falls over.
Kagome: Oh, this is nicer than Sango Houshi had! (Oh Brad. Who the fuck is Brad? Oh, he's the original guy) Now we're engaged and I'm so glad. Oh Brad. That you fucked mom and you blow dad. There's one thing to say and that's Inuyasha, I'm mad, for a screw! Ohhhhhh Inuyasha…
Inuyasha: Oh………… shit.
Kagome: I'm maaaaad.
Inuyasha: Oh…. SHIT.
Kagome: For you.
Inuyasha: I want to screw you too-o-o-o-o-o…. I'm skipping the rest because the writer is bored so let's go screw!
[switch scene, song ends, old guy with a cigar. It's Jaken…]
AM: WHERES YOUR FUCKING NECK?
Jaken: I would like… (YOU WOULD, WOULDN'T YOU?) If I may, to take you on a strange journey. (gets up and grabs a book)
AM: NOT THE BOOK, THE MOVIE!
[He opens the book, picture of Inuyasha] INUYASHA POST SEX CHANGE [flips the page to Kagome] INUYASHA AFTER SEX CHANGE.
Jaken: It seemed a fairly, ordinary night when Inuyasha and his fiance Kagome, two young, ordinary kids left Japan that late November evening.
IT WAS AUGUST.
Jaken: To visit a Dr. Totosai, ex-tutor and friend to both of them.
AM: IS IT TRUE YOU MASTURBATE UNDER THAT DESK?
Jaken: It's true, there were dark storm clouds.
AM: DESCRIBE YOUR BALLS.
Jaken: heavy, black, and pendulous, toward which they were driving.
AM: IS IT ALSO TRUE YOU'RE CONSTIPATED?
Jaken: It's also true [closes the book] that the spare tire they were carrying was badly in need of some air. (LIKE YOUR NECK) but they being normal kids and on a night out, well they weren't going to let a storm spoil the events of their evening.
[fade out on Jaken, then to Inuyasha and Kagome driving in the rain]
Kagome: God that's the third motorcycle that's passed us this evening.
AM: NO, IT'S THE FIRST. SLUTS CAN'T COUNT.
Kagome: They sure do take their lives in their hands, what with the weather and all.
Inuyasha: Yeah Kagome, life's pretty cheap for that type. AHHH There's cum on the windshield!
Kagome: Was that a bang?
[the tire explodes]
Inuyasha: We must have a blow out, dammit! (JANET)
Kagome: Where will you go? We're in the middle of nowhere.
Inuyasha: (HEY ASSHOLE, WHAT'S WHITE AND SELLS HAMBURGERS?) Didn't we pass a castle back down the road a few miles? Maybe they have a telephone I could use. (CASTLES DON'T HAVE PHONES ASSHOLE)
Kagome: I'm going with you.
Inuyasha: Oh you dumb bitch, there's no sense in both of us getting wet.
Kagome: I'm coming with you! (OR WITHOUT YOU!) Besides darling, the owner of that phone might be a beautiful woman (SHE'S HALF RIGHT). and you might never come back again.
[they get out of the car, Inuyasha kicks the tire, Kagome uses newspaper as an umbrella]
AM: KICK THE TIRE ASSHOLE! BUY AN UMBRELLA YOU CHEAP BITCH! SLUTS CAN'T READ! LIGHT UP THE SIGN PLEASE. THANK YOU! HEY JANET, LOOK OUT FOR THE SLUT EATING TREE!
[Kagome get's whacked by a tree]
Kagome: (singing) In the velvet darkness... ...of the blackest night... ...burning bright... ...there's a guiding star. (IT WAS A PLANET KAGOME). No matter what (WHEN, WHERE, WHY, AND HOW) or, who you are. (WHAT'S IN YOUR REFRIGERATOR?) There's a light, over at the (EPCOTT CENTER.) Frankenstein place. There's a light, burning in the fireplace. There's a light, a light, in the darkness of everybody's life. (ONE! TWO! THREE!)
[pan out to the castle where Kohaku is, half balding, holding a flashlight under his face]
Kohaku: (SING IT LIKE A GIRL RIFF) Darkness must go down the river of night's dreaming. (HOW ABOUT A CLOSE-UP RIFF?) Flow morphia slow, let the sun and light come streaming into my life. (RIFF! LOOK OUT FOR THE INDOOR LIGHTNING MACHINE!)
[lightning hits the castle]
Kohaku: Into my life...
[back to Jaken smoking another cigarette]
Jaken: And so it seemed that fortune had smiled on Inuyasha and Kagome, and that they had found the assistance that their plight required. Or had they…?
[Kagome and Inuyasha found the castle]
Kagome: Oh Inuyasha! Let's go back, I'm cold and I'm frightened. [shut up you whiney bitch!]
Why does Kagome have a condom in her hair?
Inuyasha: Just a moment, Kagome. They might have a phone.
[rings the doorbell a lot, Kohaku opens it]
1-2-3-4 OPEN UP THE FUCKING DOOR, 5-6-7-8 WHY ARE YOU SO FUCKING LATE?
Kohaku: …..hello.
Inuyasha, are you drunk or high?
Inuyasha: HI! (holds out his hand) I'm Inuyasha (ASSHOLE) and this is my fiance Kagome (SLUT) I wonder if you might help us… (F) You see (K!) our car broke down a few miles up the road, do you have a phone we could use?
AM: HEY WHATS THAT BETWEEN KAGOME'S LEGS?
Kohaku: You're wet.
AM: IS THAT A WATERPROOF VIBRATOR?
Kagome: Yes…. It's raining.
AM: HEY KOHAKU ARE YOU BRAINDEAD? DO YOU FUCK YOUR SISTER?
Kohaku: Yes… I think perhaps you'd both better come inside. (AGAIN AND AGAIN)
AM: SAY SOMETHING NICE KAGOME.
Kagome: You're so kind. (whispering to Inuyasha) Oh Inuyasha, I'm frightened. What kind of place is this?
Inuyasha: It's probably some kind of hunting lodge for rich weirdoes.
AM: HEY RIFF SHOW US HOW YOU FINGER YOUR SISTER!
Kohaku: (Points with his finger) This way…
Kagome: Are you having a party?
Kohaku: You have arrived on a special night, It's one of the master's affairs. (WHICH ONE?)
Kagome: Oh. (smiles) Lucky him.
[Kikyo slides down the banister of the stairs behind Inuyasha and Kagome]
Kikyo: You're lucky, he's lucky, I'm lucky! (THE BANISTERS LUCKY!) We're all lucky!
["The Timewarp" music begins]
AM: ALRIGHT LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ITS TIME FOR THE TIMEWARP!
Kohaku: It's astounding… time is fleeting… madness takes its toll.
AM: SHOW US YOUR MOTHER, RIFF!
[Kohaku opens up the grandfather clock which has a skeleton in it. Kikyo smiles]
Kohaku: But listen closely.
Kikyo: Not for very much longer.
Kohaku: I've got to… keep control.
AM: LOSE IT!
[Kohaku has a sudden burst of energy, dances around with Kikyo following him in a maid's outfit]
Kohaku: I remember doing the Timewarp! Drinking… those moments when, the blackness would hit me, and a voice would be calling (runs up with Kikyo, has elbow sex, opens up doors to the ballroom where everyone is)
Incarnations: LET'S DO THE TIMEWARP AGAIN!
(Kagome faints)
[switch to Jaken with a poster]
AM: HEY CHUCKIE, How's it done?
Jaken: It's just a jump to the left…
Everyone: And then a step to the right!
Jaken: Put your hands on your hips!
Everyone: You bring your knees in tight, but it's the pelvic thrust (GROUP SEX, GROUP SEX, GROUP SEX) that really drives you insane. Let's do the Time Warp again! Let's do the Time Warp again!
[Kikyo runs down the banister and through everyone]
Kikyo: It's so dreamy, oh fantasy free me! So you can't see me.
AM: Do you douche?
Kikyo: No, not at all.
AM: WHERE DO YOU GET YOUR HAIR DONE?
Kikyo: In another dimension with voyeuristic intention.
AM: WHERE ARE YOUR BOOBS?
Kikyo: Where secluded…
AM: HEY KIKYO, can you see this? (Give her the finger)
Kikyo: I see all.
AM: (takes it back) OH SHIT!
Kohaku: With a bit of a mind FUCK. (Scares Kagome)
Kikyo: You're into the time slip! (Rubs up against Inuyasha)
Kohaku: (tries to give Kagome a donut)
AM: FUCK THAT BIRD, EAT THIS BAGLE, I'M NOT JEWISH!
Kohaku: And nothing, can ever be the same.
Kikyo: You're spaced out in sensation….
AM: GET PARANOID RIFF!
Kohaku: STOP CALLING ME RIFF! LIKE YOU'RE UNDER SEDATION!
(Kagome faints again)
Incarnations: Let's do the Time Warp again! Let's do the Time Warp again!
[Kagura appears on a jukebox, in tap shoes]
Kagura: Well I was walking down the street, just a-having a think, when a snake of a guy gave me an evil wink. He shook-a me up, he took me by surprise, he had a pickup truck and the devil's eyes. He stared at me and I felt a change, time meant nothing, never would again.
Incarnations: Let's do the Time Warp again! Let's do the Time Warp again!
[Jaken's back at his place, doing the dance himself]
Jaken: It's just a jump to the left!
Incarnations: And then a step to the right.
Jaken: With your hands on your hips. OR SOMEBODY ELSE'S!
Incarnations: You bring your knees in tight, but it's the pelvic thrust that really drives you insane. Let's do the Time Warp again! Let's do the Time Warp again!
Kagura: Yow! (gets up and tap dances, twists around, and falls down the stairs)
AM: TWO, FOUR, SIX, EIGHT, SHOW US HOW YOU MASTURBATE! ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR GET YOUR ASS UP OFF THE FLOOR!
Incarnations: Let's do the Time Warp again! Let's do the Time Warp again!
[Jaken is on his desk now]
Jaken: It's just a jump to the left!
AM: GET THE FUCK OFF THE DESK!
Incarnations: And then a step to the right.
Jaken: With your hands on your hips. OR SOMEBODY ELSE'S!
Incarnatinos: You bring your knees in tight, but it's the pelvic thrust that really drives you insane. Let's do the Time Warp again! Let's do the Time Warp again!
[everyone falls down, music stops]
AM: NOW SIT THE FUCK DOWN.
[Kagome and Inuyasha are backing up against the doorway, near an elevator, which is coming down slowly]
Kagome: Say something.
Inuyasha: Say... ...one of you guys know how to Madison?
ASSHOLE!
Kagome: Inuyasha please, let's get out of here.
INUYASHA, TELL KAGOME HOW TO GET OFF!
Inuyasha: For God's sake, keep a grip on yourself Kagome.
Kagome: But it seems so unhealthy here.
Inuyasha: It's just a party Kagome.
Kagome: Well I want to go!
Inuyasha: Well we can't go anywhere till I get to a phone.
Kagome: Well then ask the butler or someone.
Inuyasha: Just a moment Kagome, we don't want to interfere with their celebration.
Kagome: This isn't the Junior Chamber of Commerce Inuyasha!
(A person in an elevator, their back facing Kagome and Inuyasha stops on the level)
Inuyasha: They're probably foreigners with ways different than our own. They may do some more... BUTT FUCKING? ...Folk Dancing.
Kagome: Look, I'm cold, I'm wet, and I'm just plain scared!
(The person in the elevator turns around, Kagome screams and faints, new music starts)
Naraku: How do you do, I see you've met my faithful handyman. He's just a little brought down, because when you knocked, he thought you were the Candy Man. (pushes through Kagome and Inuyasha, strutting down with a cape on.)
Naraku: Don't get strung out (ON COCAINE!) by the way I look, (SAME THING). don't judge a book by it's cover. (walks up on the stage and around to his throne) I'm not much of a man by the light of day, but by night I'm one (SICK MOTHERFUCKER.) hell of a lover.
(Naraku throws off his cape, wearing a bustier, garter belt, fishnets, boots, thick makeup, red lipstick)
Naraku: I'm just a sweet Transvestite, from Transsexual, Transylvania. (I THOUGHT IT WAS JAPAN) Let me show you around, maybe play you a sound. (walks over to them, pushing them away from the door) You look like you're both pretty groovy. Or if you want something visual, that's not too abysmal, we could take in an old (KEANU REEVES'). Steve Reeves' movie.
(Naraku shakes hands with some of his incarnations and gets some water)
Inuyasha: I'm glad we caught you at home. Could we use your phone? We're both in a bit of a hurry.
Kagome: Right.
Inuyasha: We'll just say where we are, then go fuck in the car. We don't want to be any worry.
(Naraku throws his water bottle offscreen, an OW is heard)
Naraku: Well you got caught with a flat, well... ...how 'bout that? Well babies, don't you panic. By the light of the night, it'll all seem all right. I'll get you a (HISPANIC!) Satanic mechanic. (walks up to his throne with Kagura) I'm just a sweet Transvestite, from Transsexual, Transylvania. (sits down in it with Kagura, Kikyo, and Kohaku swooning over him) Why don't you stay for the night?
Kohaku: Night.
AM: He only repeats what he hears.
Naraku: Or maybe a bite.
Kikyo: Bite! (snaps her teeth. Inuyasha grimaces)
Naraku: I could show you my favorite obsession. (SEX!) I've been making a man. (twindles Kohaku's hair) With blonde hair and a tan. (YOU CALL THAT A TAN?) And he's good for relieving my tension. I'm just a sweet Transvestite…
(Kagura checks him out, smiling)
Naraku:… from Transsexual, Transylvania. Hit it! I'm just a (DIESEL LOCOMOTIVE, WOOO! WOOO!) sweet Transvestite from Transsexual, Transylvania! (walks back over to the elevator, to Kagome and Inuyasha)
Naraku: So! Come up to the lab, and see what's on the slab. I see you shiver with antici... (SAY IT! CONSTI!) ...pation. But maybe the rain, is really to blame, so I'll remove the cause... (smiles and chuckes)...but not the symptom! (shuts the curtains and goes back up in the elevator)