Chapter 1: A Hillain
Disclaimer: Willy Wonka and company is/was owned by Roald Dahl, and the new incarnation from which this was conceived is owned by Tim Burton and… everyone else who made the 2005 movie.
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I just sat outside the factory door in the middle of the night. See, it had to take place in the middle of the night, because if it was in the middle of the day, people would see me . . . and that would be bad. Anyway, I was in a fetal position because it was my favorite kind of position. I wonder if it's yoga? Must remember to look into that later . . .I saw, in the shadows, our heroine . . . or is she a villain? What is she, really? I mean, how can you define her? Ok, I have a solution: she's a hillain. There we go.
I watched as she walked around and I believe she was trying to seem sneaky. How can anyone consider that sneaking? The woman was just walking around with her hand over her eyes as if she was hiding! She only prevented several devastating falls by peeking through her bony fingers. What a tiny wisp of a woman she was, and I know woman . . . don't laugh at me! Short Oompa-Loompas can get dates too!
ANYWAY, she looked insanely foolish if you ask me; which you didn't but I'm the narrator and I'm telling you anyway, so I win. Ha.
Ahem, moving on.
She was stumbling about with a shirt proudly proclaiming: "Carrots are the new Cocoa beans!" Um . . . No, I honestlydon't think so.Does that even make sense to anyone other than diet fanatics? Who bought her that, the health snack fairy? And if so, why was she wandering around the chocolate factory? Perhaps she was lost. Or perhaps . . . abandoned!Just as dramatic music started to play, I realize thatshe's a grown woman. She must have come here for a reason.
I pretended to think about the intellectual prospects of her surprise arrival, but in truth I was having one of those 'brain farts.' Then I began to ponder about how one can, indeed, have a literal brain fart. Brains do not have a large intestine, so they obviously couldn't have flagellation. I then came to the conclusion that confusing metaphors had no place in society, especially not in monologues. They were most annoying in mono- . . . oh, sorry. Well, ok, um, narration . . . um sorry, I hate these moments where I don't know what to say.
Well, I suppose I should tell you that she's coming closer to me as we speak, (or rather, I speak). She's smiling, andher hands are out as if she wants to pick me up. No one picks up Oompa Loompa number 845.5! (. . . It's point five because I'm shorter than everyone else, ok? You're all terrible; I hate answering that question.)
I started to run; she caught me and I thrashed. I knew it was over. I was finished! And no one would ever know I was gone unless the boss randomly decided to count us one day and went from 845 to 846 . . .
. . . Wait . . .
. . . That's what he was supposed to do. Wow, my life has absolutely no impact on anyone. I guess I had a better shot with the crazy veggie fanatic . . . I can't believe I just said that . . . Hold on . . . What does she have in her hands? Peanut butter! . . . Oh no, she's going to stuff that in my- MMMMMMMMMMMM! HHMMMMMMMM-MMMM-MM-MMMMHHHHH!
- - -
We apologize for the inconvenience, but our narrator appears to be struck with a case of lockjaw, or ultra chunky peanut butter stuck to the roof of his mouth. The other narrators will henceforth narrate the story. Thank you.
- - -
The woman started laughing in a strange cackle that reminded 845.5 of the Wicked Witch of the West upon inhaling helium. What was stranger was the sound of her perky voice.
"Ah, you've done it now, Poppy, you've done it now. . ." she mused before she continued, "Congratulations! You have just received the honor of being my first victim!" Poppy smiled impishly, her freakishly white teeth serving as a midnight lighthouse, for they practically emitted UV rays.
845.5 quivered in Oompa-Loompa fear, more so than he did when he cowered from the snozwangers. In a desperate attempt to defy the veggie-loving lighthouse, he tried to shout. However, the only sounds that came from his mouth greatly resembled the sound of a muffled wild animal, more specifically a baby elephant.
Poppy put her hands on her hips, her amber pigtails shifting on her chest. "What is the prize for this, you ask? Since you are not in a position where you will be doing a lot of talking, I guess I can let you in on my plan."
"HMMMMMMM-HMMM-HHMMMMMM!" piped up 845.5
"I'm going to sneak into your chocolate factory, which you so graciously invited me into, find where you keep all of your precious chocolate, and dump these buckets of ultra-powerful laxatives in!" More insane laughter that caused 845.5 to wish that the peanut butter was applied to his ears. "I know, I know, absolute genius. Now no one can enjoy your crummy candies without a big bag of toilet paper! Now you hold still, ah . . ." She trailed off and looked down at his name tag. Her expression turned from gleeful victory, to pouty confusion.
Thankfully, her piercing smile died and 845.5 sighed a peanut butter sigh. Vaguely, he wondered why he didn't just close his eyes when she smiled. But of course, Poppy's shrill voice cut through his relief.
"Hey, you're not Wonka! Dang it! . . . Well, you do seem a heck of a lot shorter than I imagined Wonka would be, anyway . . ." She peered at the number on his uniform. "Eight-hundred forty-five point . . . You know what? I'm calling you Fred. Can I call you Fred? Great. Well, now that I have your clothes, I'll say bye bye now!"
"MHHHHHHHMMMMMMM !" protested the newly named Fred, who squirmed in his undergarments which proudly proclaimed, "Cocoa beans pwn you!" ('p' intended)
Poppy stared at it with wide, honey-brown eyes, one twitching and the other stock still. Without reservation, she kicked him in the rear. "Stupid cocoa beans . . . children should eat vegetables." Lightning conveniently flashed as she taped Fred's clothes to the front of her black cloak. She draped it over herself and tip-toed into the factory, working on her victorious laughter she would use once everyone was bent over double from Wonka's chocolate.
And just like that, she was gone, nothing more than a shadow which happened to have long hair, freckles galore, a bad costume, squeaky voice, and laser teeth. Yeah, just like that . . .
- - -
An hour or solater, Poppy walked through the factory doors with Fred's clothes still taped to the front of her cloak.Skipping through countless hallways, she didn't see all the Oompa-Loompas looking at her, wondering what you must be wondering . . . What in the name of sacred endorphins was she thinking?
Suddenly, Poppy found the candy room, the very same room where Augustus Gloop had engorged himself and gotten himself stuck in a pipe of doom three years prior. On the contrary, Poppy seemed disgusted with the whole room. Deciding the room was more quiet than she would've liked, she began talking to herself.
"Wonka must have teeth like a sugar obsessed monkey if he eats all this! . . .Wonka must be a sugar obsessed monkey if he eats all this. Ew, how can somethingso colorful beso gross?" andshe began to mumble,"Well, vegetables are all different colors, so I guess the colors are all right. . . But the smell of sugar!" Freaking out, she ran around, overcome with the rainbow of sugary sweetness. She paused upon seeing the chocolate waterfall. She blinked, then blinked again, then sneezed and wiped her nose, then coughed, then blinked once more before the processing the obvious. "It's. . . chocolate?" her mouth dropped open and her expression twisted in disgust, "IT'S CHOCOLATE? That is the most DISGUSTING thing I have EVER! SEEN !"
That alerted every pair of Oompa-Loompa ears within a mile. Unbeknownst to Poppy, they began to flock towards her.
As Poppy came to her senses, she opened up one bucket of the ultra-powerful laxatives, which had been labeled as "Chocolate Caramel Puppies," in order not to attract attention. She was about to pour when the giant tube Augustus had become acquainted with entered the room and descended upon the thick chocolate stream. Shocked, in a very high-pitched, ear piercing, ear shattering, blood curdling, (you get the point) shriek that was believed to have shattered a few windows, she dropped the whole bucket in.'. . .Oops,' she blinked in mid-thought, ' I guess I need the other one. . .' And she turned around to retrieve the other bucket.
There, before her, were the Oompa-Loompas, a crowd to be exact, consisting of numbers 284 to 298.5 (no, Fred wasn't the only short Oompa-Loompa worthy of a point five number.)
Poppy blinked again. 'Geez. . .' she thought, 'Are they ALL midgets? I knew it . . . chocolate stunts your growth. And why are they all identical? Are they all like. . . twins? Wow, their mother must have been Wonder Woman.' Coming to her senses again, she decided to speak to the glaring people with odd hair.
"Um . . . 'Ello!" she said nervously, grinning. "I'm . . . a health inspector! You can call me . . . um . . . Mrs. Insect. . .Erm, actually, I preferMrs. Inspect. Nice chocolate you all got here. It's very . . . erm . . . brown. Just what we all like to see in chocolate! Well done! I'll just be leaving now, so . . ."
Suddenly, the Oompa-Loompas (who were, in fact, NOT twins) began to hum in unison. It was apparent that a song was being introduced.
She shifted uneasily, thinking they were summoning some killer bees (and at this point, she wouldn't be surprised if they were chocolate as well). But soon, she figured out the truth.
The Oompa-Loompas broke it down for her, Wonka style.
"Hello, are you new here?
We have not seen you before . . ."
Poppy dropped the bucket, mid stanza, and ran. She saw the glass elevator nestled in a corner, ran to it with determination, even if it meant shoving numbers 288 and 292 into each other. She pressed a random button and the elevator took off with a jolt, sending her crashing against its many walls. It stopped just as suddenly as it started and Poppy stumbled out. The Oompa-Loompas looked right at her, their song continuing.
"Did you pry loose the windows,
Or just traipse on through the door?"
Poppy was too dazed to run just yet, so she sat through another stanza, gathering her bearings.
"How did you make it this far?
Now that we cannot see.
But now we know how stupid
A grown woman can be!"
In order to flee before the song ended, Poppy ran back into the elevator, pushing random buttons. One button roared in blaring red letters, "DO NOT PUSH!" Of course, Poppy pressed it at least twelve times in her panic. The elevator hovered in place for a moment and Poppy tried desperately to catch her breath. Suddenly, the elevator lurched. A creaking sound started from above her, and as Poppy looked up, she saw the jets detaching themselves from the elevator. She gulped as it pitched forward and flew down towards the ground with no sign of stopping.
"We're just weary people
Who have nothing to do
But watch some helpless do-wrong
Bring their impending doom!"
On the word 'doom,' the elevator smashed into the floor and threw Poppy against the ceiling, knocking her unconscious.
Oompa-Loompa number 298.5 looked at the others and smiled. "Whoops." They burst out into simultaneous laughter.
- - -
Slowly, Poppy woke up, her blurring sight conforming to the shape of two frighteningly huge eyes. And what does Poppy do in a situation like that? She shrieks until two things happen. 1) She loses her voice. And 2), she scares the bejeesus out of everyone in the near vicinity. All of the Oompa-Loompas covered their ears as Poppy threw the doll that had been resting by her across the room. Chaos ensued.
"Where am I!" she shrieked, waving her arms in a way that made the Oompa-Loompas think she wanted to get airborne. She ran to the group of Oompa-Loompas by her side and crouched behind them, apparently hiding from the dolls that lay on the beds beside hers. She paused, then stood up and looked down at the little people staring up at her, her eyes embodying the imagery of a 'deer caught in high beams.'
"Oh yeah!" she cried, remembering the other night, "Where is your boss! I need to see him right now! And GET ME AWAY FROM THESE CLOWN THINGS!"
The Oompa-Loompas cocked their eyebrows and grunted in distaste. But they thought to themselves, "Is it unwise to cross someone who has lasers for teeth, bright eyes that look like they are stuck in headlights, and who obsess over vegetables." They realized that with the exception of the last observation, she would make a rather amusing lighting fixture.
They walked to the doors and opened them, watching as Poppy huffed and stormed into the hallway. They followed her, watching as she looked into every room they passed. She seemed to grow more amazed with each passing room.
"Geeeeez, there are Freds everywhere! Doing everything!" she exclaimed. Of course, all the Oompa-Loompas did was stare at her silently, quite possibly making a mental note to push her down the stairs later.
"And you all look exactly the same! I don't think you guys can be twins; a woman can't possibly have that many kids at once." Her eyes bugged wider, if that's even possible. The Oompa-Loompas readied to catch her eyeballs, should her they bug out enough for them to tumble out.
"You know what I think? I think Wonka's hosting some illegal midget-cloning experiment!" She gasped. "Where is the original one of you? Something must be done!"
The Oompa-Loompas looked at each other slowly before bursting into a fit of seemingly helium-tainted laughter.
Poppy fumed, her fists clenched, seemingly imitating the process of becoming the Incredible Hulk. The prospect of the Incredible Poppy was quite entertaining, and the Oompa-Loompas laughed harder."Laugh, do you? You think I won't be able to prove it? Well, well, well, hilarious now or not, I'll get that scheming little sugar-monger and it WON'T be very funny when I d-"
"Are you talking about me?" Wonka asked, standing a few feet behind Poppy.
Poppy tensed for a moment, then turned slowly around, a large and quite frankly alarming and impish smile creasing her face. "Mr. Wonka, I presume?" She held out her hand to his amiably.
Wonka paused and squeaked his gloved hand as he drew it to himself, seemingly grossed out at her bare hand. He looked at her shirt and read it quietly, then frowned, furrowed his eyebrows, and took a visible step back.
"Yes, I'm Willy Wonka."
There was silence, a bit more silence, then a pinch more as Poppy waited for him to ask why she was here, or something. Sighing, she just put her hand down, still baring her lasers at his face.
"Well, my name is Poppy Cead, however you will be calling me Miss Ce-"
Wonka interrupted with a rather effeminate giggle at the mention of her name.
Poppy gritted her teeth and thrust her hands on her hips, the impish smile turning to an impish glare. . . of doom. "Well, your name isn't so great either! I could call you Wonky! So there!"
Wonka was silent, but raised his eyebrows. Poppy was peeved that he seemed exceedingly amused.
". . . In any case, before we get down to business, I must ask you something. What. Kind of. Sick. Freak. Puts CLOWNS in a sick room!" Poppy finished her interrogation in a shriek that made the amazing chocolatier cringe.
"Oh, well, you see . . . That's not a sick room," he said finally,"That's the Puppet Hospital and Burn Center. You had to be moved because the people hospital is full of Oompa-Loompas in desperate need of anti-laxatives."
Poppy blinked, finally knowing the name of the cloned creatures. " . . . Ah . . . Yes, and while we're on the subject . . ." She smiled again, "I-"
"-Dumped a huge can of laxatives into my river?" Wonka finished. Poppy opened her mouth as if to interject, but Wonka wouldn't have it. "We noticed. Bye." He turned away from her and started to walk away, the tails of his reddish-purple suit waving good-bye as well. Wow . . . some personifications are just plain creepy.
Poppy was not about to let this go without a friendly squabble, which would, ironically, be anything but friendly. "Hey, I'm not done with you!" she proclaimed as she ran to follow him. "I did that because you and your stupid chocolate is ruining my family's 200-year-old business!"
Wonka, who was still walking and not looking at the girl trailing just behind him, inquired, "The laxative business?"
"NO!" Poppy said, her hands on her hips. "Haven't you heard of Cead's Vegetables!"
Wonka continued to walk. "Nope, doesn't ring a bell. Can't say I care either."
"Cead's: The Parents of Plants! The biggest and best farm on the continent!" Poppy had become frantic, waving her arms around, hitting Oompa-Loompas who stood on ladders, fixing various parts of the walls.
Wonka rounded a corner, his cane striking against the ground in useless sophistication. He didn't even need the cane! "Well, I thought that with a name like Poopy-"
"IT'S POPPY! I mean . . . Miss Cead to you, Wonky!"
Wonka wielded on Poppy, facing her and looking down at her with his glittery blue eyes. "Sorry, Miss Potty, but I believe you have done enough damage for one day." He held up one finger and Poppy looked at his latex glove as if it were a foreign oddity. Which it was. "So, I'm going to go to sleep now and make sure that when you do something else to 'ruin me', it will be day two." He raised another finger and smiled, his teeth frighteningly white and much to Poppy's surprise, seemed to rival that of her own. "Oh, and by the way, because of that little stunt you pulled, the factory has been locked down so that we can make sure the pump got all of that stuff you dumped out of the river, and make sure nobody and nothing else gets in or out, so it looks like you'll be sleeping in the furnace room tonight." His smile and eyes widened to look a bit sadistic.
Poppy's jaw dropped. "But-"
"Oh, and the Oompa-Loompas made sure your batch of chocolate wasn't shipped after the last taste test. As for the furnace room, 437 and 845.5-"
"Don't mean to interrupt, but 845.5 has been renamed 'Fred.' You are really an impersonal man, aren't you Wonky?"
Wonka blinked before continuing. "As I was saying, 437 and 845.5 will be watching you, so that if anything goes wrong with the furnace like it did the other day, you'll make it out with at least 60 of your skin. Since it is over half, I don't think you should complain. Anyway, food is everywhere, but as you should know the vegetable industry doesn't like us very much, and all we have here is candy. Bye, now!" He walked through a set of doors before waving and closing them with finality.
Poppy watched him walk away from the door through the window in it. She grabbed the handle and tried to open it, but Wonka had wisely locked it to end their conversation. "HEY!" Poppy whined. "EER! Fine, then! I'll stay here, alright! I just hope you know what that means!" She harrumphed before turning around to face the Oompa-Loompas, who had come to her side.
They stared at her, their eyes blank. The one on the right extended his hand, frowning.
"OH! Sorry, Fred." Poppy took his outfit off her cloak and he grudgingly snatched them and put them on, thankful she wasn't happy and grinning. He tried to express it, but was again restrained by the ultra chunky peanut butter that still stuck stubbornly to the roof of his mouth.
Poppy laughed nervously. "So . . ." she trailed off.
Fred and 437 laughed to themselves, looking at each other and exchanging secret signals, which looked to Poppy as though they had several embarrassing itches. They stared at her and grinned mischievously.Poppy felt uneasy and gulped. "What?"