Cast:
Leonardo (Leon) Montgomery- The lovable idiot who will stop at almost nothing to be with the one he loves...at the moment.
Julia Cappuccino-The strong, independent woman who rebels against the wishes of her idiot father. And look where that gets her.
Friar Larry- One of the sensible characters. Also, the one that no one listens to.
Marcus- Leon's best friend, for...some reason. Also, a relative of the prince.
Emma- Julia's nurse.
Tyler- Julia's overly aggressive cousin.
Lord Cappuccino- Julia's idiot father.
Lady Cappuccino- N/A
Lord Montgomery- Leon's father.
Lady Montgomery- Leon's mother.
Rome- Julia's fiance who is way better looking than Leon. Also, a relative of the prince.
Benny- Leon's other friend, and another sensible character that people should listen to more often. He's also a Montgomery, but no one remembers that.
Prince Steve- He is the prince of Ye Olde Notingland. He has two relatives that appear in this play, and they have much more interesting names than Steve.
Friar Johnny- A pretty useless character.
Bartleby- The character who goes wherever he's needed.
Greg- Servant of the Montgomerys who is supposed to start the fight.
Sam- Servant of the Montgomerys who ends up starting the fight.
Abraham- Servant of the Cappuccinos
Isaac- Servant with Abraham
Apothecary- The plot device.
Rose- Someone who really shouldn't be in the cast list at all.
The Chorus- The character who isn't really a character but appears to explain the boring parts.

Note from the Author:

I'm a huge fan of Shakespeare. This wasn't for an English assignment or anything, it's just a pet project of mine. I was curious to see how many people would read it and what their reactions would be to it.

Most of the dialogue is modern English. I borrowed some original Shakespearean text for comedic purposes, as you'll see later. No disrespect is intended towards Shakespeare's work, fans of Shakespeare, fans of this particular play, or anybody at all really. (Basically: Lighten up, it's just a parody.)

PROLOGUE

Chorus: Hey, everybody! We're here in Ye Olde Notingland to tell you an exciting tale. This is a story about two families who are fighting for a reason nobody bothered to write down, two stupid teenagers who get caught up in drama and romance, and how people die along the way. Doesn't that sound entertaining? It should, so why not continue reading? You know you've got time to kill. So, let's begin!

ACT I

A MARKET SQUARE IN YE OLDE NOTINGLAND

Sam and Greg, servants of the Montgomerys, enter carrying swords and small shields. Greg is also carrying a book.

Sam: Hey, Greg, what are you reading?

Greg: Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet.

Sam: …Neeerd.

Greg: Hey, I'm not a nerd! I don't even understand this stupid play!

Sam: What do you mean you don't understand it?

Greg: I mean, seriously. Two teenagers meet at a party, make-out before they even learn each other's names, and when they find out they're supposed to be enemies they run off and get married! It's so unrealistic!

Sam: Not really, if you think about it. They're two rebellious teenagers with raging hormones and irrational minds who think they're in love.

Greg: Eh, I guess so. You know, the way the Capulets and Montagues are fighting, it sort of reminds me of the way our masters are fighting with the Cappuccinos. Don't you think?

Sam: Yeah, how ironic would it be if this feud turns out exactly the way it did in Romeo and Juliet? What if by some odd chance Leonardo from our household and Julia from the Cappuccino family meet, fall in love, and eventually commit suicide?

Greg: Talk about thinly veiled foreshadowing!

Abraham and Isaac enter

Sam: Hey, look! People from the Cappuccino house! Go start a fight with them and I'll back you up!

Greg: Why do I always have to start the fight?

Sam: Because the cast list says so.

Greg: Ok, I guess that - hey, wait a minute! That's not what the cast list says!

Sam: Fine, I'll just flip them off.

Abraham and Isaac walk by and Sam flips them off

Abraham: Do you bite your thumb at us, sir?

Sam: No, I flipped you off.

Greg: [Elbows Sam] You idiot!

Sam: Oh, right. [Back to Abraham] No, I did not flip you off.

Abraham: I asked if you bit your thumb.

Sam: Oh. No, I do not bite my thumb.

Abraham: Did you flip us off?

Sam: Um…yes?

Greg: Idiot!

Sam: Ok, I'm confused.

Isaac: Are you trying to start a fight?

Sam: I'm not sure anymore.

Greg: No, we're not trying to start a fight. Are you?

Abraham: No.

Sam: What am I doing with my life?

Greg: We don't need to fight you. Our master is as good as yours.

Abraham: I bet you can't say he's any better.

Sam: [Snaps fingers in 'Z' figure] Oh, no you di-in't!

Greg: [Stares at Sam] Um…

Benny enters

Greg: Benny is coming! Say our master's better!

Sam: Our master's better.

Isaac: You lie!

Greg: Come on, ya' pansies! [draws sword]

All four start fighting and more people join in. Benny rushes over to stop them.

Benny: Stop fighting, you idiots! You don't know what you're doing!

Tyler enters.

Tyler: You know you're wasting your time, right?

Benny: I'm just trying to keep everyone out of trouble with Prince Steve.

Tyler: You're doing what?

Benny: Um, I just told you, I'm trying to keep everyone out of -

Tyler: No, you need to use the word "peace".

Benny: Why?

Tyler: Because, I have prepared a very witty retort specifically on the subject.

Benny: That's a little odd.

Tyler: Just say it.

Benny: I'm…trying to keep the peace?

Tyler: [Speaking very loudly for everyone to hear] Peace? I hate the word as I hate hell, all Montgomerys, and you, Benjamin!

Benny: That's really mean, what did I ever do to you?

Tyler: Shut up and fight me.

They start fighting.

Citizens: What is all this violence!

Citizens start fighting each other, though they don't really know what's going on.

Lord and Lady Montgomery and Lord Cappuccino come out of nowhere and join the fight.

Lord Montgomery: Wife! Get me my sword!

Lady Montgomery: I don't take orders from you.

Lord Montgomery: [Sigh] Please, dear?

Lady Montgomery: That's better.

Cappuccino: Montgomery, you villain!

Lord Montgomery: Villain? Moi? [Lord Cappuccino and Lord Montgomery start fighting]

Prince Steve, ruler of Ye Olde Notingland, rides up on his pony, erm, I mean horse with his escort and everyone stops fighting.

Steve: Oh. My. God. Not you guys again. You are so annoying! Because of you, random street fights keep starting and innocent people get killed! Why the hell are you guys fighting, anyway? Does anyone know?

Cappuccino: Um…I don't remember.

Montgomery: All I know is I hate him.

Cappuccino: And I hate him more!

Montgomery: You wanna go?

Cappuccino: Bring it!

Lords Cappuccino and Montgomery are about to fight again but Steve's soldiers hold them back.

Steve: [Sighs] If you ever disturb Ye Olde Notingland's streets again, I'll make you pay with your lives. [Crowd cheers] That's how sick and tired of you I am. [Steve and his escort ride off into the sunset]

Everyone else except Lord and Lady Montgomery and Benny exit

Lord Montgomery: [Dusts off hands] Yup, another battle rightfully won.

Benny: What? No one won! And didn't you just hear what Prince Steve said?

Lady Montgomery: Where the hell was Leonardo today? Why wasn't he here fighting?

Benny: [Sighs] I saw him earlier this morning. He looked kinda depressed. I was gonna go talk to him but he saw me coming and ran off.

Lord Montgomery: Yeah, he's been going for early walks a lot lately so he can cry by himself like a little wuss. I don't know what's wrong with him.

Benny: Have you asked him about it?

Lord Montgomery: I've tried to, but he refuses to talk about it.

Leon enters.

Benny: Here he comes.

Lord Montgomery: Benjamin, you're his friend, go talk to him! And if he's still gloomy and depressing next time I see him, I'll blame it on you instead of my lack of parenting skills.

Benny: Damn it all...

The Lord and Lady exit

Benny: Hey, Leon.

Leon: Hey, Benny. Do you know what time it is?

Benny: Uh, I guess about 9 o' clock.

Leon: Ah. Sad hours seem long…

Benny: Anyway, why are you all gloomy and depressing? Are you having girl troubles or something?

Leon: Yeah, I'm kinda in love.

Benny: Kinda?

Leon: Well, I'm in love with someone who doesn't love me.

Benny: Who do you love?

Leon: [Emits dreamy sigh] I love a woman.

Benny: I would hope so. How do you know she doesn't love you back?

Leon: She won't put out.

Benny:...Oh...kay?

Leon: She took a vow and everything.

Benny: That doesn't mean she doesn't love you, idiot.

Leon: But she's so beautiful! How can she deny future generations of such beauty by refusing to reproduce?

Benny: Sometimes I think I'm the only sane person in this town.

Leon: She's so smart and pretty and charming, but she refuses to do it! She's gonna starve herself by committing to be a virgin forever!

Benny: Well, I can understand why you're frustrated. So, just forget about her.

Leon: I can't! I think about her all the time, and when I tell myself not to think about her I suddenly realize that I just thought about her, and then I can't get her out of my head and I continue to think about her! [Gets down on his knees] Teach me not to think!

Benny: [Pulls him up] Get up! You're making a scene!

A beat where Benny looks to audience knowingly

Come on, all you need to do is look around at other girls. You need to see some really beautiful girls, then you'll forget all about her.

Leon: No. Looking at other girls will just remind me of how much more beautiful she is compared to them! It's no use, I'll never forget her.

Benny: I swear right here and right now, I'll make you forget about Rose.

Leon: How'd you know I'm in love with Rose?

Benny: Other than the fact that I saw you sleeping under her window the other day? [Shrugs] Lucky guess.

They exit

Cappuccino enters, followed by Rome and Bartleby

Cappuccino: Stupid Montgomery, I'll teach him to make a fool out of me, why I oughta'…[Inaudible cursing]

Rome: Yeah, yeah, damn that Montgomery and all that good stuff, but what about my proposition to marry your daughter?

Cappuccino: What? Marry my daughter? She's way too young to be married! How could you even think of such a thing?

Rome: It's the Reinaissance, man! Get with the times!

Cappuccino: Oh. Alright then. Say, I'm having a party tonight. You should come and talk with my daughter, get her to fall in love with you.

Rome: Are you giving me permission to hit on your daughter at a wild party with poor supervision?

Cappuccino: Yeah, pretty much.

Rome: Sweet.

Cappuccino: Anyway, [hands Bartleby a piece of paper] I need you to send out invitations to all the people on this guest list. I'd do it myself, but I'm rich.

Bartleby: Right.

Cappuccino: I'll leave you to it, then.

Cappuccino and Rome exit

Bartleby: Alright. [looks at guest list] Oh, no! I can't read because I am but a lowly servant, and somehow Lord Cappuccino didn't think of this. I can't fail in my first noteworthy act of the play! I have to find someone who can read this!

Leon and Benny enter

Benny: Come on, man. Just check out some other girls already.

Leon: Why? What's the point? My life is meaningless without Rose!

Benny: Oh, great. Now he's gone all angsty.

Bartleby runs up to Leonardo

Bartleby: Hey, you! Can you read?

Leon: I can read my own fortune in my misery.

Bartleby: [to Benny] What's wrong with him?

Benny: Ignore him, he's just going through some teen angst right now.

Bartleby: Oh. Well, can you read?

Benny: Of course I can read. What idiot can't read?

Bartleby: Um…yeah…anyway, read this. [hands Benny the guest list]

Benny: The Queen of England, Rome, Erasmus, Galileo, The Guy who mows my lawn, Leonardo Davinci, Titian, Bill from Accounting, Rose-

Leon: [perks up] Rose?

Benny: -Thomas More, my Ex-wife, That Girl from the laundromat, my Ex-wife's stupid husband, Niccolo Machiavelli, William Shakespeare, Martin Luther, blah blah blah. That's a colorful cast of characters you have there. Where are they all going?

Bartleby: To the Cappuccinos' party tonight.

Benny: Party?

Bartleby: Yeah, if you're not a Montgomery you can come, if you want.

Benny: Oh, about that -

Bartleby: There's a keg and everything.

Benny: Really, now.

Bartleby: Yeah.

Benny: Are there gonna be hot girls there?

Bartleby: I don't know, I guess.

Benny: Count us in!

Bartleby: Ok, see you there.

Bartleby exits

Benny: This is great! We can go to this party, you can see Rose and compare her to some other girls that are there, and then once you've realized she's not all that we can get drunk off our asses!

Leon: But didn't that guy say Montgomerys couldn't go?

Benny: Who cares? There's a free keg!

Leon: Alright, I'll go, but only so I can see Rose.

Benny: Whatever, I don't even care anymore.

They exit

Cappuccino and Emma enter

Cappuccino: Emma, call my daughter to me. I'm much too lazy, I mean, busy to do it myself.

Emma: But you're standing right there.

Cappuccino: Just do it.

Emma: [deep breath] JULIA!

Julia runs in

Julia: What is it?

Emma: Your dumbass father wants to talk to you.

Cappuccino: Let's see. How old is Juliet, Emma?

Emma: Julia is thirteen. She'll be fourteen in a couple of weeks.

Cappuccino: Oh, good! She's just old enough to marry off! So, what do you think about being married?

Julia: I think it would be nice to be married to a good husband one day, but I don't really think about it that often.

Cappuccino: Well, you should start thinking about marriage now, Johan -

Emma: Julia!

Cappuccino: - Julia. The Count Rome has asked for your hand in marriage.

Julia: [looks surprised, but not happy]

Cappuccino: He has lots of money and status, and you know how much I like disregarding the feelings of others for my own personal gain. So, can you learn to like him?

Julia: I'll…try…

Cappuccino: Good! He'll be at the party tonight, you can talk to him then. Or you can stand awkwardly in a corner, looking embarrassed and out of place in an attempt to avoid him. It's your choice. Now get ready, you look like crap!

LATER THAT NIGHT, AT THE PARTY

Julia is standing awkwardly in a corner, looking embarrassed and out of place in an attempt to avoid Rome.

Julia: This sucks.

Leon, Benny, and Marcus arrive at the party

Benny: Why is Marcus here again? Won't we be conspicuous as a group of young guys that may or may not be recognized?

Marcus: I came for the keg.

Leon: That explains it.

Marcus: Now if you excuse me, I'm going to go drown myself with an unnecessary amount of liquor.

Benny: If you die from alcohol poisoning I'm not dragging your body back home.

Marcus: It's ok, just leave me in a gutter somewhere.

Leon: Sure thing.

Marcus goes to the keg

Leon: [suddenly sees Julia] Whoa.

Benny: What?

Leon: Who's that girl standing awkwardly in the corner over there?

Benny: How should I know?

Leon: She's so hot.

Benny: Ha! My plan to make you forget about Rose worked!

Leon: Who's Rose?

Benny: Success! Now for the part where we get drunk off our asses!

Leon: You go, I'm gonna go talk to that girl.

Julia: This is boring…[starts to space out]

Leon: [sneaks up beside Julia and grabs her hand]

Julia: Aaah! [hits Leon repeatedly]

Leon: Ow, not the face! Not the face! [takes fetal position]

Julia: Oh, I'm sorry! I thought you were Rome.

Leon: No, I'm sorry! Your hand is, like, holy, and I am unworthy to touch it. If you're offended by the touch of my hand, I'm ready to make things better with a kiss.

Julia: Oh, well. [blushes] Uh, I mean, you don't give yourself enough credit. Anyway, holding hands is kind of like hand kissing or something, I guess. [turns to walk away]

Leon: [still hold on to Julia's hand] But we have lips for that, right?

Julia: Yes - I mean, no, our lips are for prayer.

Leon: Well, I'm praying for you to kiss me. [leans in to kiss her]

Julia: [ducks away] B-but, um, holy statues don't move!

Leon: You don't have to move then. Just stand still while I act out my prayer. [leans in to kiss her, again]

Julia: Wait, I -

Leon: Oh, come on! There's a certain limit when playing hard-to-get, you know!

Julia: Oh, sorry.

Leon kisses Julia

Leon: Now, my sins have been taken away.

Julia: And, now I have them!

Leon: Sorry about that. I'll just take them back, then.

Leon kisses Julia again

Julia: Ok, that's better.

Emma: Jules, your father wants to talk to you.

Julia, blushing, moves away

Leon: Who's her father?

Emma: Who do you think? He's the guy who's throwing this party! Are you stupid or something?

Leon: No! But, um...who's the guy who's throwing this party?

Emma: You're not Lord Montgomery's son, Leonardo, are you?

Leon: No! [shifty eyes] But who is he?

Emma: Lord Cappuccino, [mutters] dumbass.

Leon: That girl was a Cappuccino?

Emma: No, freaking duh.

Leon: Holy crap, I just made-out with my archenemy!

Emma: [eyeing Leon suspiciously] Who did you say you were, again?

Leon: Uh, I…[looks at wrist] Oh, look at the time! I must be going!

Leon runs away

Emma: Idiot. He wasn't even wearing a watch.

Benny: Leon, I think we should go now. Marcus is totally plastered and I think the police are on their way.

Leon: What did he do?

Benny: Well...

Marcus: [pointing a "gun" at Bartleby] Gimmie all the money! Open the cash register!

Bartleby: One, I don't even have a cash register, and two, you don't have a gun. You're holding a twinkie!

Marcus: Oh…[eats twinkie] Mmmmhhm…[drools]

Leon: Is that all?

Benny: No. He tried to ride an empty keg yelling, "Giddy-up, Seabiscuit!" Oh, and he lit some furniture on fire.

Leon: Now I remember why I never bring him to any parties.

Leon and Benny grab Marcus and start to leave

Cappuccino: Hey, where are you guys going? The parties not over!

Tyler whispers something in his ear

Cappuccino: He did what?! [glares at the three] Get the hell out of my house!

Julia: Emma, who are those three leaving?

Emma: A bunch of retards.

Julia: I meant, what are their names?

Emma: I don't know what the drunk one or the guy on the right's names are, but the guy on the left is Leonardo Montgomery, Lord Montgomery's son.

Julia: Oh my God! I just made-out with my archenemy!

Emma: Yeah, good luck with that.

Emma exits

Julia: [to self] My only love sprung from my only hate! Too early seen unknown, and known too late! Prodigious birth of love it is to me, that I must love a loathed enemy.

Cappuccino: Stop reciting poetry to yourself or we'll send you back to the Funny Farm!

All exit