A/N: Takes place sometime after 2x10.
Quinn Really Liked Sam Evans
Quinn really liked Sam Evans. She really did. She liked spending time with him, she liked the way he looked at her, she liked that he listened to her when she talked, she liked kissing him – he wasn't too rough and forceful like Puck or sloppy and overeager like Finn – she liked that he made an effort to take her places other than Breadstix and the movie theater, she didn't so much like as not mind his dorky impressions and movie obsessions, but overall, she really did like Sam Evans. She liked him more than any other guy she had ever dated.
Which is why she felt like the worst person in the world when she did what she always did…let her eyes wander. What was so terribly wrong with her, at the base of her very existence as a person, that she couldn't find a way to be content with the adorable and sweet blonde boy in her arms, instead wishing that she was…
No. Not going there.
She did it with Finn. She did it with Puck. Now she was doing it with Sam.
Was she honestly born this way? To be such a terrible person? To never care enough the way she should? It's not that she liked hurting people, just the opposite actually, but she had discovered early on that hurting people sometimes took your mind off of how much you were hurting. If she was a terrible person, might as well make the most of it. She was already going to hell.
When she had first started figuring this out, the kind of thoughts she had but wasn't supposed to, the feelings, the longing, it made Quinn angry. Angrier about anything she ever felt in her life before. She couldn't stand it, couldn't bear it, and did all she could to distract herself.
Hurting people came easily. It wasn't exactly rocket science. When you didn't care about how others felt, it became almost second nature. And it did distract her. For the most part. Sometimes.
She didn't feel guilty when she cheated on Finn with Puck. She should have, that's what normal people do, they feel things like that, but not her. It wasn't until she found out she was pregnant and had to lie to Finn every – single – day that the guilt she should have felt before managed to burrow its way in.
And of all people, she had been the one to end the charade once and for all. To do what Quinn couldn't. If Quinn hadn't been so utterly destroyed at the time, she might have appreciated the synonymy of it. Maybe she would have even laughed. As it was…
Having Beth had changed her. No, she would not say her daughter's name out loud. It already hurt enough just to hear it in her head. It wasn't a 180 change by any stretch of the imagination, but she could feel it deep within. Why? She didn't know. Was it because karma had proved herself to be its bitch? Was it her fall from grace that forced her to see life in a different way? Was it because she had given her firstborn away? It didn't matter why. Because the anger she held before was slowly dissipating. She just didn't have the strength for it anymore. She was too weary. Life weary.
When school started again, she had been so determined to get things back on track. She wanted to be Captain of Cheerios again. She wanted to rule the school again. She wanted to be the one that everyone feared and envied. Come hell or high water, she would damn well get it.
Yet, it wasn't until she got it that she started to realize…it wasn't what she wanted anymore. It didn't give her the same sense of satisfaction. If anything, she was even more lonely. Of course she had never been fully satisfied with her life before getting pregnant, but she had clung to it with the fiercest of holds. Her status, her power, it was everything. She knew of nothing else. Now that she knew what it was like to be on the other side, she really wanted that control back. But it wasn't the same. She couldn't make herself forget. It was slowly eating her alive. Then a sweet blonde boy came along and looked at her with puppy dog eyes and swore to take care of her. How could she turn him down? No one liked to be alone.
So here she was. Captain of the Cheerios. Baby weight gone (stretch marks stayed, but she could hide them). Adorable boyfriend on the football team. HBIC of McKinley High once again. And it wasn't enough. It still didn't make those feelings go away.
She really was a terrible person.
But instead of doing anything about it, she just shut her eyes, kissed her boyfriend, held his hand, and tried not to let her eyes wander. But of course they did. And as they had for years, it was to the same person every time.
Sam had his arm laying across the back of her chair as they waited in Glee. Quinn tried to flatten out some of the wrinkles in her Cheerios skirt. Rachel Berry skipped in chirruping away excitedly about what they would be working on that day. Quinn let herself slip into that practiced mask of cool indifference as she kept her eyes on the small brunette, inwardly smiling at her ever relentless bubbling enthusiasm.
As always, she prayed no one would catch her.
She really did like Sam.