The red sand passed slowly through my hands and I wonder if time will ever be restored to me
The red sand passed slowly through my hands and I wonder if time will ever be restored to me. In the end, all we amount to is nothingness, isn't that true, Sasori? I have not expressed it in anyway yet, but I am actually more afraid of dying than you might think. I only want to die now to be with you, but it is a little absurd for me to think that way. If I die, it will be in a much more grandiose display than your death, Sasori. I will prove to you that even as I leave this world, I can make one last masterpiece--the proof of my existence. I still believe I am a better artist than you are.
But you know… I think the most beautiful thing ever created was in fact you, Sasori. When I looked up at your half dressed body for the first time, I came to realize how much more lovely you are in comparison to any spontaneous combustions. Hmmm… Lovely. And remember when you immersed yourself in me for the first time? Could that have been art as well? Together, I believe we made the most beautiful art known to humanity.
The red sand will not stop flowing through my fingers, Sasori. In this vast fiery ocean of time, I feel as if I am drowning in your memories. There are words that come to my mind now that I have never even thought of days ago. Maybe, just maybe, Sasori, I think am in love with you… I cannot say for sure because I do not know for sure what love is, but I think this might be love. Those fools from the Leaf Village keeps speaking of love and friendship and kindness…and protecting the ones they love…and defending their village…and things that seem to sound so appealing… Just from what I had picked up, do you think I might be in love with you, Sasori? I did want to protect you, but what am I to do? We are destined to die for that one cause, and it is blasphemy to go against his orders…isn't it?
Sasori, I wanted to protect you very much…but I was scared! I was scared because I knew if I were to step into your affairs, I would only confirm my own fears. Yes, it is true. I know it now. I am so in love with you, Sasori. It is driving me crazy.
I never knew how you felt for me, or whether you felt anything at all. I just knew that it brought you some pleasure when we slept together, and so we did. I knew that you savored the warmth of flesh and blood, and that you want more than anything to simply be embraced. I knew it so well because that was all I strived to do for you. I wanted to satisfy your basic wants and needs. I realize it all now, slightly too late into the game.
Yeah, I know. When the end of the day comes, I am the biggest fool of all, aren't I? I will not deny the fact that I so failed you. I failed at life! Why I am still here? I do not know… Perhaps because I am too scared to die? Perhaps it is because I do not have a good enough reason to end it? Perhaps because I want to keep hurting alone? I do not know, really. Why do I keep doing this every single day of my life? It has become so meaningless without you, Sasori.
Everyday since you left has been slow and monotonous. Life has become a dull cycle of waking, killing, drifting, and trying to fall asleep. Did I forget to tell you? I have not slept a wink since you have been gone. I was told it was starting to show, but when did I ever care about how I looked? Yeah… Your Deidara is getting ugly. I have felt very ugly since you left me, anyway. At least maybe now my face can reveal my tainted heart. If you only knew how ugly I am inside at the moment, I think even you would find me revolting. I do.
Night is approaching again, Sasori. It might be cold, but I am not sure. I have lost feeling in my legs some time ago. I cannot recall quite just when. Any sense in my fingers are now gone too. Do you think death is approaching me, Sasori? I am starting to hope so. Maybe I should be leaving soon, but maybe I should not. I think I will stay right here. I want to sleep in this red ocean tonight. I want to sleep under the starry universe from which I can swear I just heard your voice beckoning me.
Sasori, if you are so there, please tell me, why don't you? It is not the kindest thing to do, keeping me here like this. I think…I just heard your voice again. Are you trying to confess to me as well? What do you feel, Sasori? Do you think that you might have been in love with me as well? Well, if you are, I think I can say for sure now that I am happy.
There you go, calling my name again as I lay my head down upon the red sand, now violet from the approaching darkness. It is warm, Sasori, as if you are wrapping your arms around me. I close my eyes now and dig my hands into the hot sand, looking for any trace of soil. At least I think the sand might be hot. It was a few hours ago. I cannot feel anything now except for my body shaking.
It is getting harder to breathe for some reason…