Despair
Disclaimer: No own
Notes: I wrote this fic after writing song lyrics for a friend's band. Enjoy!
Shawn sighed where he lay in bed, looking out at the rain. He couldn't sleep. He never could. Not since it happend. Shawn sat up, resigned to another sleepless night. He drew back the covers and got up. He was careful to not wake his bed partner. He didn't want the man to worry. It'd only been a few weeks since they'd gotten together and even though Shawn felt close to him, he still missed the man he'd loved for 4 years.
Shawn padded quietly to the hotel balconey window and pressed his forehead against it. He gazed into the icy rain, feeling lost and alone. He watched his breath fog up the cold glass and drew his Lover's name in it. Ex-lover he reminded himself.
How could everything have gone so wrong? The man he loved was gone. Not only that but before dumping him, he'd beaten Shawn nearly to death. Right now Shawn wished he'd finished the job. The pain was unbearable. He couldn't eat, he barely slept, and when he did it was plagued with nightmares and dreams of the love he'd lost.
Shawn lifted a hand to touch the cool glass of the window. How easy it would be to end all of the suffering. He could jump, or better yet just stand in the cold until his body just gave up. On an impulse, he threw open the glass doors to the balcony and stepped outside. Shawn wasn't wearing any clothes. He always slept naked. The icy chill of the wind and rain beat down upon him. It was fridged, icy pain and it helped to numb the ache in his heart.
Shawn stared out into the city lights through the rain until they began to blurr before his eyes. He laughed giddily, the fridged water beating down on his skin, freezing all rational thought. He continued to stand there, holding onto the metal railing. Maybe his hands would freeze there. Shawn didn't care. He shivered violently under the icy onslaught but he didn't care.
He didn't know how long he stood there. Could have been a few minutes, could've been a few hours. He stared into the city but didn't see it clearly anymore. Everything before him was a blurr. It melted together before his eyes and he felt himself sinking. He lay crumpled in a trembling heep on the freezing balcony, wishing for death to take him quickly.
As darkness came nearer, he heard a frightened voice calling his name. Forcing himself to focus on the blurry shape in front of him, Shawn realized it was Mark, his new boyfriend. Mark was crouched in front of him, a worried and fearful look on his face.
"Shawn! Thank God you're alive!" he exclaimed. "What the hell do you think you are doing by standing out here in the freezing rain with no clothes on! Shit Baby, you're soaking wet and shivering. You could get hypothermia! Hell you're probably hypothermic already! Come on, we need to get you inside and get you warm."
Shawn couldn't reply. All his strength left him and he slumped into the arms of the man in front of him. Mark swore loudly and swiftly carried Shawn inside, kicking the balcony doors shut with his foot. Shawn was staring unbinkingly at nothing, not responding when Mark called his name.
Mark quickly dried Shawn's body with towels and wrapped his trembling body in every blanket he could find. He called housekeeping and had them send up a bunch more that he also buried Shawn under. By the time he had finished, Shawn had passed out cold. Not knowing what else to do, Mark stripped down himself and climbed under the mountain of blankets. He gently pulled Shawn's shivering body to him, hissing at the fridgedness of Shawn's skin.
"God Baby, look what you've done to yourself." Mark whispered. "You could die from this. Do you really hate this life so much?"
Shawn's body remained inert in Mark's arms. Mark sighed and reached up to brush a frozen piece of Shawn's hair off his face. Then he frowned, becoming increasingly concerned at his boyfriend's stillness. He could barely feel the weak rise and fall of Shawn's chest.
"Damnit Shawn, how could you do this to yourself? I know you're still broken up about Jericho but Darlin', he doesn't deserve you. And you deserved better from that toe-rag. Everytime he made you cry, I wanted to steal you away from him. I wanted to hold you tight and never let go. As far as I'm concerned, the son of a bitch can go to hell. Darlin' ya gotta let it go. He almost killed you damnit! Hell he drove you to this so he's almost killed you twice! Ya gotta let it go Darlin'. Let him go and come back to me. Come back here where its warm and safe. Come back to where you are loved. Darlin', open your eyes. Lemme know that you're gonna be ok. Don't die on me, please. I don't think I could handle that." Mark said, pulling Shawn closer as he spoke.
Shawn trembled with cold and let out a soft cry in his sleep. Mark quieted him with soothing words of comfort and readied himself for a long night.
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It was morning. The sunlight shone through the scattered remains of the storm clouds and filtered through the balcony window. Mark looked down at the blond curled up in his arms. He still hadn't woken since Mark had brought him back inside hours ago. Mark bit his lip, becoming increasingly worried but everytime he tried to move away to call a doctor, Shawn would start to whimper and clutch at him. So Mark didn't move. He just cuddled Shawn closely in his arms, checking every couple minutes to see if the smaller man was still breathing.
"God Darlin', you're scaring me to death here. I wish there was somehow I knew you'd be ok. At least you're finally starting to warm up. Damnit Shawn, why can't you just wake up!" Mark yelled, frustrated. "Sorry. I'm just so worried about you."
Shawn shifted a little in Mark's protective embrace. It was so small a movement that Mark could swear he imagined it but then he moved again.
"Darlin'? You awake?" Mark asked. Shawn moaned softly in answer.
"Thank God Shawn!" Mark exclaimed, kissing the little blond's forehead. "I've been worried sick!"
"Sorry." Shawn mumbled not opening his eyes, his voice rasping and hoarse.
"Didn't think you'd care so much. Why should you?"
"Not care! Darlin', you mean a hell of alot to me!" Mark told him. Shawn slowly opened his eyes and focused on Mark's relieved face.
"The last person who 'cared' almost beat me to death." he said weakly, looking away.
"I know Darlin'. I promise I'll never hurt you. You deserve better than the way he treated you." Mark said assuringly.
"Thanks." Shawn croaked. "Can I have somethink hot to drink? I'm freezing."
"Sure, I'll call for some hot cocoa with extra marshmallows." Mark said, reaching for the phone. Shawn grinned happily, he loved extra marshmallows.
"Please never scare me like that again Darlin'. You'll put me in an early grave." Mark asked after he'd finished the call.
"Mark..." Shawn started.
"Darlin' I'm here to listen if you need me. All you have to do is tell me. I'll get you through." Mark continued. Shawn quirked a small smile.
"I'll try, thanks for caring."
"No problem Darlin'. You deserve happiness."
Take away my despair,
Make me feel ok again,
Show me that you need me
That I'm not just a burden.
-Despair by HeartbreakDX
END!