The Gospel According to Garfield

by GarfieldIsGod

I have read all of the Shakespeare Hemingway and he is not fanfiction, he is plain truths in a homespun dress, last night I had a dream and in that dream was Garfield and I learned the truth, that Garfield IS God and these are His Gospels, the Codex Garfinianus, the true story of the Great Orange God of Everything and Everyone, Garfield.

The First Words and Works of Garfield

In the beginning, there was nothing,

And then there was Garfield.

And Garfield looked upon the vastness of space,

A God, lone and lonesome,

And Garfield spoke unto the vastness of space,

"Hear Me, for I am GARF and these are the Words of Garf,

It is not meet that I should be alone and hungry,

So I shall build a world for Me, and I shall make men, and they shall cook lasagna,

For the toiling and troubles of men are sweet to Garf,

And lasagna is savory to the Tongue of Garf,

And so it shall be."

And Garfield looked down from His Throne on High,

Upon the primordial pangolin, the most ancient of beings,

Strange and awkward in its own skin,

And Garfield slew the primordial pangolin to make way for men, saying,

"Now I am become GARF,

The Destroyer of Pangolins."

Then Garfield raised the pillars of the earth, and dug fountains in the deep,

Wielding his Golden Desert Eagle, Garfield carved out canyons and mountains,

His spent bullets became all the lead deposits in the world,

And His spent shell casings became all the other metals in the world,

And Garfield saw that this was good.

But still Garfield was alone and hungry,

And Garfield spoke unto the empty world and the night-now-filled-with-pangolin-stars,

"This is too much work!"

And Garfield took a nap,

Thus ended the first day, the first Monday,

Remembered forever after with hatred, for on this day Garfield did the Work of Garfield.

The Repose of Garfield brought down dreams and fancies and half-remembered things,

Beauties and terrors within the wandering Mind of Garfield,

And Garfield saw that His world was to be a world of many doings and happenings,

Of pain and joy, but mostly pain,

And Garfield saw that it was good.

And the Dreamings of Garfield drew forth moisture from the Loins of Garf,

And the Moisture of Garf was upon the face of the earth and the face of the waters,

The Liquid Word of Garf, the Essence of Garf, given freely to all the Universe,

And from the Essence of Garfield sprang the Lesser Gods.

The Lesser Gods assembled before Garfield on High,

Trembling before His august presence,

Yet reveling in His benevolent gaze,

And the Gods spoke thusly unto Garfield.

"I am Jon Arbuckle, the Firstborn Son of Garf,"

Spoke Jon Arbuckle, he of brown hair and servile tendencies,

"I shall be the devoted servant of Garfield,

Wherever Garfield shall go, I shall follow,

And the Words of Garf will be my clarion call,

For I am Jon Arbuckle, the Wingman of Garf."

"I am Coyote Peterson, the Wild Son of Garf,"

Spoke Coyote Peterson, he of the hat and the high tolerance for pain,

"I shall be the explorer of all the worlds,

I shall endure all the toiling and troubles of the world,

And I will be brave and stay wild,

For I am Coyote Peterson, the Suffering Servant of Garf."

"I am Fifty Cent, the Skillful Son of Garf,"

Spoke Fifty Cent, he of the golden chains,

"I have in my heart a love for the gems and the crystals of the earth,

And I shall cut them adroitly,

And set them with great skill,

For I am Fifty Cent, the Jeweler of Garf."

"I am Jeff Goldblum, the Loving Son of Garf,"

Spoke Jeff Goldblum, and he was so cool,

"I am but filled to bursting with affection for all things,

In my eyes is the light of the world and in my hands the silver notes of the harp,

And I shall be a helpmeet for this world,

For I am Jeff Goldblum, the Heart of Garf."

"I am Timothy Dexter, the Mad Peddler of Garfield,"

Spoke Timothy Dexter, he of the large hat and the lapdog,

"Garfield is the Lord of All That Will Be,

But Dexter is the Emper of Garf,

And I shall rear my head in every throw of the dice and every action of commerce,

For I am Timothy Dexter, the Mindless Luck of Garf."

"I am Robbie Rotten, the Trickster of Garf,"

Spoke Robbie Rotten, within his sleek jumpsuit of many colors,

"The confusion of men shall be the joy of Robbie,

I shall go everywhere upon the earth, and I shall walk in disguise,

First among villains sent to vex men,

For I am Robbie Rotten, the Laughter of Garf."

"Randy, the Musical Son of Garf,"

Sang Randy Newman, pounding upon his celestial piano,

"Playin' a song,

Garfield is the greatest,

And that's all right with Randy."

And the music of Randy was given flesh by Garfield,

So that the stringent, annoying notes might become the Leet Street Boys,

And the uplifting notes might become Mungo Jerry,

And the sexy notes might become Sup,

And the notes of friendship might become Thin Lizzy,

Randy's-notes-made-flesh became a heavenly choir,

Who sang the praises of Garfield on High,

And Garfield saw that it was good.

Thus were the most powerful of the Lesser Gods given entrance to the Table of Garf,

And Garfield spoke the Words of Garf,

"Make food for Me and My Gods, for We greatly desire to sup,"

And lasagna was on the face of the table,

This was the first feast, the greatest feast,

With most cheesy lasagna and most juicy tendies,

The lasagna wine spilled over the rims of the lasagna goblets,

And a sweet savor drifted on the wind when Garfield began to smoke His lasagna cigarettes,

And this feasting was pleasing to Garfield.

But there was one God not given entrance to the Table of Garfield,

This God was Delgo, he of the uncanny face and the piddling soul,

And Delgo lamented,

"Woe unto me,

For I am the most middling son of Garf and it is my lot to be average,

When men walk the earth, few will spare a thought to me,

For I am Delgo, the Mediocre Child of Garfield."

And Garfield spoke thusly to the assembled Gods,

"Now hear this, for I am GARF and these are the Mandates of Garf,

This world I have made for Me, to be a plaything in the Eyes of Garf,

And I shall make men upon the earth,

And their suffering will never cease,

Long and dark shall be the roads men travel,

Darker still will be the storms that torment them, the diseases I shall inflict on them, the violence I will raise among them,

And darker still will be their ends,

For the life of man is one long Monday, and the best man can hope for is a nap when Monday is over,

For the lot of man is to entertain Garfield with the pains of his heart and the sweat of his brow,

And the agony of existence will be nectar unto the Lips of Garf,

"Assembled Gods, you are the Children of Garf,

And the Children of Garf shall be a strong right hand unto Garfield,

So do as I say, and make this world of Mine an interesting place to watch."

The Mighty Deeds of Garfield

Having had His Say, Garfield made ready to create men,

But there were giants on the earth in those days,

The mighty sons of Dan, tall and proud, who wore the skins of hell-bats upon their skulls and who refused to eat lasagna or obey the Mandates of Garf,

The giants thwarted the efforts of Garf to make men,

The giants smashed men with their feet and wreaked havoc upon the cities of men, so that no man could survive upon the face of the earth,

And great was the Wrath of Garfield.

Garfield spoke thus to the giants of the earth,

"Hear Me, for I am Garf and I am not known for My Compassion!"

But the giants laughed impudently, saying,

"We are giants!

We fear not the Wrath of Garfield, for we have built a strongly-fenced city for ourselves, and set over us a king, King Dan, the First and Tallest of the Giants,

And the skin of King Dan is blessed,

No weapon wrought of iron or bronze may slay him,

No God, man, nor beast may slay him,

King Dan cannot be slain in the morning, in the noon, nor in the night,

King Dan cannot be slain indoors nor out of doors."

But Garfield was not frightened by the over-proud words of the giants,

Garfield lay in wait above the palace of Dan the King,

And it came to pass that Dan stood in the doorway of the palace, at the hour of twilight,

Setting his eyes on his vast kingdom,

And Garfield struck him down,

Mercilessly Garfield crushed the giant Dan,

For Garfield had taken on the form of a Holy Boulder,

Neither God, nor man, nor beast,

No wrought weapon was Garf,

Garf was Stone and Justice,

And He laid the giant low.

Then Garfield looked upon the wife of Dan,

The Queen of Giants was tall and shapely, pleasing to the Eyes of Garfield,

And Garfield was magnificent in His Sexual Splendor,

Forty times did Garfield pierce the Queen with His Cosmic Love Katana,

And forty times were the pleasures of the Queen, who spoke thusly,

"Garfield, You have converted me with Your True and Righteous Rod,

For the Rigid Bone of Garf is the Power of Garf,

And I am become filled with the Liquid Word of Garf."

But then Jon Arbuckle came to earth in the form of a great meteor, saying,

"AMAKO!"

For he was the Wingman of Garf, and where Garfield went Jon Arbuckle followed,

And the earth was whipped by fire and ill winds,

The giants died, and the dinosaurs died, and the crab-folk were much reduced in splendor,

And the Queen of the giants was bitten by flame and buffeted by winds, and exploded,

But Garfield was not displeased,

For Jon Arbuckle had completed the task that Garfield had set for him.

The Divine Napping of Garfield

And it came to pass that Garfield saw fit for Garfield to nap after exerting Himself so mightily,

But as Garfield slept upon the Futon of Garfield, a being unmade by Garfield crept into the world,

A horrible being, a biting being, a cruel ancient bent on spoiling the Good Works of Garf,

It was the Baba Yaga,

She Who Watches and Knows, She Who Moves in the Night and Sneaks 'Round the Corner of the Eye,

And Baba Yaga took the form of a screech owl,

Her wretched hooting disturbed the Slumber of Garf,

With her milky stool she soiled the Lasagna of Garf,

And when Garfield awoke to chastise her, Baba Yaga spoke thusly,

"I am the Baba Yaga,

That man-eating witch at the edge of the world,

Lay with me Garfield,

And we shall beget strong demon-children to populate the earth."

But great was the Wrath of Garfield when He spoke unto Baba Yaga, saying,

"I do not lay with beasts!

Away from My Sight, villainess, lest you face the Just and Powerful Fists of Garfield,

The five-fingered kiss of which will rend soul from body and send you straight to hell."

So the Baba Yaga fled shrieking from Garfield,

And hid herself in a dark corner at the edge of the world,

There she mated with the monstrous grizzly bear, who made food of man,

And the vulture, who stank of carrion,

And the raven, who pecked at bones,

And the fruits of her fornications were demon-children and wicked spirits.

There was the Caddyshack Gopher, he with prying eyes, who declared,

"I shall spy upon men and laugh at their misfortune,"

And John Stamos, who declared, "I shall come in the night and make men ejaculate upon their bellies,"

And Dave Coulier, who declared, "I shall come in the night and make men fart upon their bedmates,"

And Baba Yaga laughed deep in her wicked heart, for she knew that the pain her children inflicted would greatly increase the sufferings of man.

The Tale of Garfield and the Baba Yaga

In the days of yore,

When the earth was yet young and two moons hung in the sky,

When giants lived in the land and Old Grandfather Crab held court under the sea,

There was Garfield.

And the Libido of Garf was the Power of Garf,

The Unquenchable Thirst for Trim was the Holy Motivation of Garfield,

The Ravenous Lust was up in Garfield,

And the Thunderous Seed-Bone stood firm against the Belly of Garfield,

So that Garfield spoke thusly,

"I am horny for sex,

I shall go walking upon the earth, and I shall walk up and down it,

Looking for a warm hole to fill with the Lumber of Garfield."

But there were no women in the earth in those days,

Such that Garfield had nothing to fuck,

And the Frustrated Lusting of Garfield was great indeed.

Garfield came to a lonely crossroads,

And by the lonely roadside sat a witch, dressed in a robe and bonnet of lilac,

And between her thighs bubbled a cauldron,

A hot caldron, a strong-smelling cauldron,

And Garfield smelled the cauldron, saying,

"Oh witch of the lonely roads,

The fetid wanting is up in you and the stench of your fetid wanting is sweetness to the Muscled Skin-Harpoon of Garf,

Turn the bubbling juices of your cauldron to Garfield,

For I greatly desire to have sex with you."

So Garfield lay with the witch of the lonely roads,

And great was the pleasure of the witch,

But the Coming of Garfield was only half-felt, such that He cried,

"The Coming of Garfield was half-felt,

But that Torrent of Love Tabasco should be tremendously pleasing to the Senses of Garfield,

Such that the Eyes of Garfield roll back in His Holy Skull,

Who are you, to have stolen the Pleasure and the Seed of Garf?"

And the witch spoke thusly, saying,

"I am the Baba Yaga,

That foul cannibal-witch who squats at the mouth of the river, waiting to eat man,

That night-skulking demon who renders the corn of the earth unfruitful,

Through my wicked magic I have stolen the Pleasure and the Seed of Garf,

And I shall conceive a son by Him,

And that son will scourge the faithful followers of Garfield."

And Garfield wept at His misfortune,

And the Strong Lumber of Garf wilted into the Sapling of Garf,

So that Garfield desired sex no longer.

The Baba Yaga fled to the frozen edge of the earth,

And there she birthed her wicked son,

The son of evil and the son of Garfield,

And he was called Odie,

And he was all that was evil in the Eyes of Garfield.

So Odie set out to destroy the Good Works of Garfield,

Odie burned the corn of the earth,

And Odie made sexual fucking dangerous by creating AIDS,

And Odie rendered up unholy seed to the Baba Yaga to create the monsters of the earth,

All that Odie did was evil in the Eyes of Garfield.

But Garfield was not vexed, and He said unto Odie,

"Hear Me, fiendish bastard child of a roadside whore and the Misbegotten Inclinations of Garf,

I will make your days miserable,

Vengeance is Mine and I will destroy you though it means the destruction of the world,

But until then, it pleases Me to oppose you,

You will be the nemesis of Garfield,

This is the Will of Garfield,

And none shall say otherwise. "

Garfield Creates Man

Into this world of pain did Garfield bring men,

Men, the Last Creation of Garfield,

And mankind looked in awe upon the Face of Garf,

And thus Garf spoke unto mankind,

"Hear Me, for I am GARF and these are the Words of Garf,

I have made men to be the Entertainment of Garfield,

Your world is but a game to the Eyes of Garfield, and men are but pieces in the game, and the cities of men are but the little plastic houses in a Monopoly set, except for the really big cities of men, for they are the little plastic hotels,

But Garf is greater, and all knowing is in Garf and the beginning and the end of the universe is within the Sight of Garf and Garfield shall have entertainment before the end is nigh,

So be interesting, lest I destroy you all."

This was good advice, the First Gift of Garfield,

And the Second Gift was backbone,

And the Third Gift was lasagna,

Equipped thusly by Garfield man spread over the face of the earth,

Saying, "Praise be unto Garfield, who hath paved roads for men,

And we shall walk the roads of Garfield for all our earthly days,

Until we are dead."

And Garfield saw that it was good.

The Words and Works of the Lesser Gods

A span of years passed,

And Garfield yawned, saying thusly,

"These humans are pretty dull,

I shall wipe them from the face of the earth."

Mankind cowered before Garfield as He aimed His Blessed Desert Eagle at the earth,

Preparing to cleanse it with holy lead,

But then a voice rang out from the Assembly of the Gods,

Coyote Peterson spoke unto Garfield,

"The world is a beautiful place, and the twisting roads that Garfield has paved for man may yet hold more excitement,

But the world could be better still,

I shall fill the forests with beasts and the air with birds and the sea with fish,

And these animals will be companions of men, and the entertainment will be pleasing unto Holy Garfield."

So Coyote Peterson waved his magical hat and all manner of beasts fell out of it,

Majestic, friendly beasts who inhabited the plains of the earth, daintily eating the grasses and herbs of the field,

And whales stirred in the fountains of the deep,

And everything was wonderful and the world knew peace and kinship between men and beasts.

But Garfield was not yet satisfied, so He worked changes among the creations of Coyote,

Garfield gave the wolf sharp fangs and the lion mighty claws,

He mounted stingers upon scorpions and made venomous the serpents,

Garfield made the wilderness a place of dread and pain for man,

And He was much entertained, saying,

"The beasts of the earth shall torment man with tooth and nail,

For this is entertaining to Garfield,

And thus entertained, I shall spare the world of men."

Men cried out in joy, for disaster had been averted,

But they were greatly tormented by the beasts of the earth, who stung and chomped them without remorse,

And their cries of suffering drifted up to high heaven, and broke the gentle heart of Coyote.

So Coyote girded his manhood about him and went journeying through the wilderness,

Every beast that scratched, every insect that stung, every reptile that bit the heel of man,

Coyote found them all, and said unto them,

"Hear me, animals, you destroyers of men,

If you wish to bite flesh, bite the flesh of Coyote,

For Coyote is as strong as man is weak,

And it is for the sake of man that I do this."

Coyote Peterson entered the strike-zone of every wicked animal that walked the earth,

Yea, he entered even the strike-zone of the fearsomest ant, whose bite was as sharp as the Deagle of Garfield,

Coyote Peterson bore the sufferings of man upon his own shoulders,

And men were glad in their hearts for such a God as Coyote Peterson.

A span of years passed,

And Garfield grew restless, saying,

"I have seen men slain by beasts in all ways that beasts can slay men,

I grow bored,

And the Boredom of Garf is the Death of the World,

Hear the Words of Garf, men, and be interesting,

Lest I destroy you."

But men did not know how to be interesting,

Great was their sorrow, many were their tears,

And they feared that Garfield would really do it this time,

But then a kind voice came down from high heaven, saying unto men,

"Hear my voice and be not afraid,

I am Jeff Goldblum and I shall teach you how to interest Garf,

The shapely bosom and the wide hips,

These are the things which please Mighty Garfield."

But men were at a loss, for they had no shapely bosoms nor wide hips,

For there were no women on the earth in those days,

John Stamos held sway over all, visiting men in their dreams with tantalizing images,

And mankind cried out to Jeff, saying "There are no women on the earth in these days,

We are but men, with no one to love,

And at night we ejaculate upon our bellies."

So Jeff Goldblum mounted his pet Tyrannosaurus and rode to the halls of Stamos,

Where John Stamos kept all the women in iron cages,

And Dave Coulier compelled them to fart,

And the women of the earth were exceedingly full of sorrow.

But Goldblum approached the leather throne of Stamos, the Lord of Unclean Emissions, and said unto him, "Release your hold on the women of the earth."

And Stamos spoke unto Goldblum, saying, "I have heard with my ears that you are a god of love, but I do not believe it in my evil heart. Tell me a story that gives me the feels, and I shall relinquish my hold on women."

So Jeff Goldblum struck golden notes upon his harp and recited the tale of Arby, he of the pear,

And Goldblum spoke of Arby's loves and lusts, his triumphs and his conquests, and of his sad henchman Proto-Ralph and his mistress Sweet Betty,

So that Stamos was gratified in his heart and his loins, saying, "You have shown me the true meaning of love, Jeff Goldblum, and so I relinquish my hold on women."

Thus men and women were mingled,

And the sight of their sexual fucking was pleasing to Garfield, and Garfield said,

"This is a sight to make radiant the Eyes of Garf,

The Thunderous Bone is up in Garf and the Belly of Garf roils like a sea of eels,

Never again shall I be bored,

For I shall cuckold the men of the earth."

And Garfield did cuckold the men of the earth with the help of their willing wives who swooned at the power of Garfield,

And men were exceedingly sad, and they spoke unto themselves,

"Such is the Will of Garf, and who can change the Will of Garf?"

And Garfield saw that it was good.

Suffering and toiling, men built cities upon the plains of the earth,

And they did multiply, again and again,

Lamenting all the while, for the road Garfield had set for them was a weary road indeed,

And men spoke thusly,

"Our lives are dim,

Dust is all we see,

We shall grasp gems and jewels for ourselves, that they might brighten our scanty days."

And in those days, all the jewels of the world belonged to Fifty Cent, the Jeweler of Holy Garfield, and those precious stones were set into the skull of the Queen of the Giants,

A treasure beyond mortal reckoning, a splendor of diamonds and rubies,

Lightly slept Fifty Cent, for he was gentle,

Lightly did the thief sneak into his chambers,

A clever thief, the deftest woman on the earth, and she took Fifty's skull.

Upon awakening, the rage of Fifty Cent knew no bounds, and he shouted unto the heavens,

"Bitch took my skull!"

So Fifty Cent took up the lance and the machine gun with which to smite man,

And smite man he did,

Fifty ravaged the earth, visiting death upon man and beast alike,

And he overthrew the cities of the plain, and men were greatly afraid at heart for they had not known war before.

The bitter curses of Fifty Cent rang in their ears and Fifty said unto them,

"Behold my latest work,

It is the angry work of the sword and the spear and the hand grenade,

I have given battle to men, and my victory has humbled their proud hearts,

I have laid their ambitions low,

Men are the grapes of the winepress of Fifty Cent, and the blood of men is wine to the tongue of Fifty Cent,

And I shall have back what is mine."

None could resist the onslaught of Fifty, and no man dared raise his hands against Fifty when he caught the thief and wrenched the skull from her hands,

And cast her down, saying, "Bitch,

No longer shall Fifty Cent be content with the cutting of jewels,

Now he shall cut men,

No longer will Fifty Cent melt silver and gold in a crucible of fire,

Now he will hurl men into the crucible of war."

Under the guidance of Fifty Cent men raised war all over the earth,

So that the suffering of men increased,

And Garfield saw that it was good.

The Book of Jerome

There lived on the earth in those days a man exceedingly pleasant in the Eyes of Garf,

Jerome, he was called, and blessed with hobo-stubble was his face,

And Jerome did sleep past noon and loiter upon the privy and did all things which were pleasing unto Garfield,

Such that Garfield blessed Jerome beyond all the men of earth,

Wealthy and comfortable was Jerome, who spoke thusly,

"All praise be to Garf, who has made my life easier to bear."

And Garfield saw that it was good.

But there came a day when Robbie Rotten appeared before the Throne of Garfield,

And Garfield said, "And where have you been, Robbie Rotten?"

And Robbie said, "I have been walking over the earth and up and down it,

Playing tricks upon men and working villainy amongst them,

For men are evil in the Sight of Garf and deserve these things."

Laughing Garfield spoke thusly to Robbie,

"Look upon Jerome, My favorite man,

All he does is righteous in My Eyes and he deserves no ill fortune,"

But clever Robbie replied thusly,

"Surely the sight of so much happiness is boring to the Eyes of Garf,

Allow me to vex him with wicked tricks, so that he loses all hope and curses the Holy Name of Garfield,

And then You may smite him with Your Fists and that will be entertaining to Garfield."

And Garfield said, "Let it be so."

So Robbie Rotten took up a new disguise,

A feathered hat and an eyepatch he wore,

And in the guise of a pirate, Robbie stole the flocks and herds of Jerome,

Taking from him his five-hundred goats and his three-hundred camels, yea, even the albino camel that was Jerome's favorite,

And with his sword he struck down the servants of Jerome, so that Jerome's labors would truly be Jerome's own.

But Jerome raised his voice to high heaven, saying,

"The roads Garfield paved for men are treacherous indeed,

But still I have comforts along the path,

Such that I give praise to Garfield, the God of Everything and Everyone."

Then Robbie Rotten took up a net,

That he had just found,

He spoke thusly,

"Go,"

And the net was thrown,

And Jerome was entangled in the net.

For seven days and seven nights Jerome lay upon the cold earth,

Trapped as the tarpon is trapped by the skillful fisherman,

And the dust of the earth irritated his tender flesh, giving sores unto Jerome,

And the insects of the earth bit his tender flesh, giving wounds unto Jerome,

And pain and misery was upon the face of Jerome, so that Jerome moaned thusly,

"Truly the life of a man is one long Monday,

And mine is the worst of the lot, for my suffering goes unheard,

I regret the day that I was conceived,

Would that I could castrate my father in his youth!

Unbearable is my life, yet I still give praise to Garfield,

For the only alternatives to life are even worse."

And Jerome's woman came upon him and spoke, saying,

"I have worshipped the Baba Yaga, she who has magic powers,

Curse the name of Garfield and turn your face to Baba Yaga,

Life will be bearable then."

But Jerome anointed her idol with his left foot and sprinkled it with salt,

For he knew the evils of Baba Yaga, he knew that if welcomed she would come in the night and carry away his anal opening,

So Jerome cursed the name of Baba Yaga and rendered loyalty unto Garfield.

So Robbie Rotten took up a new disguise,

A giant mallet was Robbie,

And as a mallet he crushed the vinyl collection of Jerome,

So that Jerome's records were like unto dust.

And Jerome was exceedingly vexed, crying thusly,

"Oh Garfield in high heaven, truly you have set Your Left Foot against Jerome,

The pains of my life have become so heavy,

I walk the road Garf has paved for me with a millstone about my neck,

And I shall despair even until the end of my days,

And my dying hour will be miserable,

For my life is become horrible, and the thought death is even worse."

So Robbie Rotten took up a new disguise,

A pestilential disease was Robbie,

And as a disease he inflamed the bowels of Jerome,

So that Jerome's bowels were like unto polluted water and he made to wear the swaddling wraps of babes.

And Jerome's misery exceeded all knowing, and he cried unto high heaven,

"The pain of Jerome knows no bounds,

Yet my feet compel me along the path of life and my lungs draw the breath of life,

And though the balance of my days is to be a list of my sufferings, I shall stay true to Garf,

And I shall travel the road that Garfield has set for me, turning heart and eyes to Garfield, forever and ever, until the road runs out."

So Jerome walked the road that Garfield had paved for him,

Suffering with every step, tortured at every turning of the road,

Until that life was accomplished,

And so Jerome came into the Nap at the end of his Monday,

And Garfield saw that it was good.

The Tale of Four Journeyers

In the days of yore,

When the sea was solid and land was rather moist,

When dinosaurs devoured the forests of the earth and fish did not exist,

There was Garfield.

And Garfield was well-pleased, for He had for Himself a consort,

Her name was Natalie Portman, and she was the loveliest of all the women of the earth,

Such that Garfield said,

"Look upon My Consort, ye men of the earth, and let your boners despair,

For the beauty of Natalie is the Delight of Garfield,

And the glistening swamp of Natalie is the Energy of the Great Orange Lance of Garfield,

She will be mine forever, or until I get bored of her,

And she will bear the worthy Sons of Garfield."

And Natalie spoke thusly,

"I appreciate the Bountiful Love of Garfield,

Would that I could be filled always with the Liquid Word of Garfield,

That I might bear Him worthy sons."

But in the night came Odie,

That foul child of the Baba Yaga,

For Odie was jealous of the Lustrous Consort of Garfield, desiring her for himself,

So Odie stole into the Ivory Palace of Garfield,

And he gathered Natalie in his abhorrent embrace, saying,

"At last, a consort that is worthy of the attentions of Odie,

I shall trod upon your belly, so that the Seed of Garfield will spew forth from your body,

And I shall lance you nightly with pork,

So that you will bear the demon-children of Odie."

When Garfield awoke, His Wroth was exceedingly great,

Garfield's Cries of Rage shook the firmament above and the pillars below,

The Manly Tears of Garfield fell to earth, where they flooded the plains of Nebraska and overthrew the cities of the homos,

And Garfield spoke thusly,

"Hear Me, for I am GARF and these are the Angry Words of Garf,

I grow exceedingly tired of the foolish games of this world,

So I shall destroy the universe and start over,

I will wipe clean the slate and make My Amends with the people of the earth,

And the Amends of Garfield are Holy Fire,

Thus will I make a better world for Garfield."

And so Garfield made ready to cleanse the world with Fiery Meteors of Justice,

But the Lesser Gods placed their bodies in front of the earth, saying thusly,

"Father Garfield, Your Rage is justified,

For the Actions of Garfield are always Righteous,

But we beg You, spare the universe and the world of men,

So that we might have somewhere to spend our free time."

Thus spoke Garfield,

"Fine,

I shall provide the universe a grace period of two days, in honor of the two days of work I put into making it,

And then I shall destroy the universe with My Golden Desert Eagle and build it anew."

There stood on the earth in those days a temple to Garfield,

And within the temple lived the Pope of Garfield, the First Pope of Garfield,

Milo, son of Milo, who was the son of Perineum the Sailor,

Who sailed to distant shores, searching for bright copper and beautiful jewels, but was eaten by crabs,

But the hands of Milo were better-suited to the service of Garf than sailing,

And so Milo rendered service unto Garfield.

The pleading of the gods was heard by Milo, who spoke thusly,

"Oh no,

If the world is destroyed, then I shall be destroyed along with it,

And it is not meet that the road Garf has paved for Milo should end in flames and bullets,

For the love of Garfield and my desire to live, I shall rescue Natalie Portman and return her to Holy Father Garfield, who is the God of Everyone and Everything, the God Who Cannot be Beaten in War or Board Games even if you cheat,

Hear my words of solidarity, oh Garfield the Great and the Powerful,

From this day until the end of days I shall set my left foot against Odie,

Odie shall be the sworn enemy of Milo,

For the Hated of Garfield are the hated of Milo,

And the hands of Milo are the Instruments of Garfield."

And then Jon Arbuckle was there,

And the Wingman of Garf spoke thusly,

"Truly, these are words to make glad the heart of Jon Arbuckle,

The closest friend and servant of the Holy Garf,

As I fear and serve Garf, so shall you,

And I shall aid you in your quest."

And so Jon Arbuckle gave unto Milo a gift of lasagna,

A crumb of lasagna from the First Feast of Garfield,

Whose pasta was the hair of virginal angels and whose cheese was the gold of the earth,

And so Milo took up the Lasagna of Garf, and drew the mantle of Garfish popehood upon his bony shoulders, and girdled his manhood about his waist,

Thus began the journey of Milo.

And so Milo came into the land of Currulcunty,

A desolate wilderness where dwelt many bears,

And he came across a field of corn by the lonely road,

And by that field sat a man.

Thus spoke the man,

"Truly, Holy Garfield has not made the world with me in Mind,

For the earth rejects my corn,

And my bowels fail to reject cholera and dysentery,

And Fifty Cent has stirred up war on the plains, such that I cannot live there,

And the Manly Tears of Garfield have overthrown fair Nebraska, where once I lived with my beautiful catamite Gilbert, and was happy,

All praise be to Garfield, who has paved a road for me to walk,

For though the road is hard, how much harder would it be to walk in a wilderness?

Pretty hard, I am guessing,

And thus I answer my own question."

And Milo said unto him,

"You have rendered praise unto Garf,

Now render service unto Garf,

Such that Garfield will be made glad,

Oh yokel of the filthy ditch."

And the man spoke thusly,

"Fine,

I am Elton, son of Elton, son of Mudhole, who was also a yokel,

And I will spend my life serving Garfield."

And then Randy Newman was there, and Randy sang thusly,

"Randy,

Randy, Randy Newman,

Going to help you on your quest,

You're trying to save the world,

That's okay with Randy."

And so Randy gave unto Elton a gift of a keyboard,

A heavenly instrument,

Whose keys were of the ivory tusks of the walrus,

And so Elton set his suspenders upon his shoulders and joined Milo.

The two journeyers entered into a strange foreign land,

Where all manner of strange things were eaten, like dog and man and rice,

And no man worshipped Garfield.

And they came upon a prince of the strange people,

And the prince knelt before a strange altar,

Sacrificing with his left hand and profaning the name of Garfield, such that Milo spoke angrily, saying,

"Foolish stranger,

You do not worship Holy Garfield,

And I hate you for that,

I shall call upon Holy Garfield to humble your over-proud heart with a gun."

And the stranger replied,

"I do not worship Garfield!

I worship the monsters that existed before Garfield,

Like the seal with the body of a sea lion,

And the monkey-headed porcupine,

And I sacrifice babies and sheep to these monsters by cutting my offerings into 80 pieces,

Verily, I love the number 80."

But Milo said unto him,

"Garfield will strike you down!"

And Garfield spoke unto him, saying,

"I'll fucking do it,

I am not known for My Compassion!"

And the prince trembled in his dark heart, saying,

"Holy Garfield and His Lesser Gods are not kind to men,

I cannot worship that which does not treat me kindly."

And then Coyote Peterson was there,

And he wrapped the prince in a tender hug, saying,

"Coyote Peterson will heal the pain in your heart,

I shall draw out your hatred as I drew out the poison of the tarantula hawk,

And I shall replace it with the knowledge that Coyote Peterson is your friend,

For it is true that some gods care for mankind."

And Coyote Peterson gave unto the prince a magical hat,

The Hat of Hold Anything and Fly Anywhere,

And the prince realized the error of his ways,

He anointed his devil-altar with his left foot and turned his heart to Garf.

But Garfield said,

"I am still angry with you!"

So the prince said,

"I shall atone for my sinful nature,

Jan-Michael, son of Jan-Michael, who was the son of Jan-Michael and the king of all Asia,

All Bulgaria, and Khazaria, and Far Tartary,

Will join these strangers on their quest."

And so the three journeyers continued,

Until they came to the edge of the Great Wilderness,

That forest at the edge of the world where Odie dwelt,

And by the road at the edge of the forest was an enormous clay jar,

And within that jar sat a man, a man covered in sores and dressed in rags,

He masturbated furiously in the direction of the journeyers, saying,

"Oh strangers,

Look upon Jerome and see how low he has fallen,

Once I was a shepherd-king in a faraway land,

Many were my camels and my slaves,

But Garfield trod my hopes and dreams into the dust and never told me why,

All praise be to Garf,

He Who has Done Every Deed and Every Woman,

I render joyous thanks to Garfield, for although He has overthrown Jerome,

He has neglected to murder me."

And Milo spoke unto Jerome, saying,

"Oh Saint Jerome,

Your story is known far and wide,

Join us in our quest for Garfield and win back His Favor."

And then Robbie Rotten was there, saying,

"Who did you expect, Sportaflop?

Jerome, I repent of the wrongs I did you,

Here is this net that I just found,

Perhaps you can use it."

And so the four journeyers traveled into the forest at the edge of the world,

Wherein dwelt Odie and all manner of demon-children,

And as they crept through the trees, they came upon a giant dressed in green,

And the giant cut down the trees with his axe, so that the journeyers were fenced in,

And the giant took up a guitar, so that the journeyers heard his discordant melody,

And they were greatly afraid, saying,

"Oh no!

Verily, comrades, we are up shit creek with a turd for a paddle."

And the giant was greatly pleased, saying,

"I am the Greed-ler!

I have captured you and I shall carry you away to my underground lair,

Where we will see how bad I can possibly be."

But Elton struck up the holy keyboard of Randy,

The notes could not be resisted,

They had great musical force, such that the Greed-ler's brain was addled and he saw a vision of himself,

A younger, more nubile self, who spoke, saying,

"I am the Once-ler!"

And the Greed-ler was besotted with the Once-ler,

And the two coupled in slime like the worms of the earth,

Such that the Greed-ler ejaculated upon himself and in doing so, died,

And the journeyers escaped, rendering thanks unto Randy Newman, He Who Tickles the Ivories and Rains Hatred Upon the Small.

Then the four journeyers came upon a river and tried to ford it,

But the stream rose higher and higher, such that they were stuck in the middle with water up to their chins,

And Jerome cried out, saying,

"Look at the mouth of the river, comrades,

There lies the source of our troubles."

It was the Baba Yaga,

That evil witch who stole anal openings in the dark of the night,

And Baba Yaga squatted at the mouth of the river,

And her dark urine and menstrual blood streamed into the river, such that it rose past its banks,

And the Baba Yaga ululated horribly, screeching,

"I am the Baba Yaga,

The thief of Garfield's Holy Seed and the defiler of the Husband-Prod of Garfield,

Journeyers, I will drown you in my unclean emissions,

And I shall stuff you inside my vagina, so that my toothy uterus will make food of you."

But Jerome was quicker than the witch,

He cast his net over her, speaking thusly,

"Go,"

And the net was thrown,

And the Baba Yaga fell into her own fluids,

So that the journeyers escaped, rendering praise unto Robbie Rotten, the Laughing Trickster of the World.

And thus the journeyers made it to the great fortress at the edge of the world,

The fortress of hard-bitten iron that sat upon the ice,

Wherein dwelt Odie.

The journeyers walked into the throne room of Odie,

And Odie sat upon his throne of lies, dressed in his crown of shit,

And Natalie Portman was at his side, looking frightened and hella sexy,

Such that the journeyers said,

"Truly, she is a sight to make Rampant the Penis of Garfield."

And Milo raised his reedy voice to manly loudness, speaking thusly,

"Oh Odie, you thrice-damned son of a roadside witch-whore and the Regretted Ejaculate of Garf,

It is time to pay tribute to the Alpha-Male,

And return to Garfield that which is Garfield's."

And the wrath of Odie was great, who spoke thusly,

"Journeyers of Garfield, I spit upon you and Your God,

I am more powerful than you."

And he tossed a gun to Milo, saying,

"Now kill Jerome,

Or I will kill him anyway."

And so Milo was forced to kill his best friend Jerome,

Who was a lazy saint,

And tears were upon the face of both Milo and Jerome,

And Jerome cried out,

"Truly, the road Garf has paved for Jerome was paved with sharp rocks,

This really sucks,

Still, I give praise unto Garf,

Who has made my death a quick one."

But it was not quick, for masculine tears obscured Milo's vision, so that he missed the vitals of Jerome and had to shoot him many times, saying,

"Damn you, Odie!"

And Odie laughed mightily, and he said,

"Now stay for dinner in the house of Odie."

And the journeyers did.

And so Odie gave the journeyers all manner of delicacies, for he knew they had nothing to give him in return, and so would break the laws of sacred hospitality,

But Milo thought quickly, and drawing forth a knife, spoke thusly,

"Oh wretched Elton,

Bare your throat and think of Garfield."

And so Elton bared his throat, saying,

"Truly, Garfield has made me His beast of burden,

And as the beast is slain, so is Elton slain,

All praise be to Garf, for He has given me a lease on life,

And today, I make good on the rent."

And so Milo slaughtered Elton as the ox is slaughtered, and quartered him, saying,

"Damn you, Odie!"

And thus fed, Odie slept,

And while Odie slept, Milo crept up to Natalie,

He took her hand and spoke thusly,

"Oh Consort of Garfield,

You must hurry,

Here, eat of the Magic Lasagna of Garf,

So that His Power may cleanse you."

And so Natalie ate of the Magic Lasagna,

And that cheesy goodness filled her belly and womb,

And it aborted the terrible demon-children which Odie had implanted inside her,

So that Natalie could breathe a sigh of relief.

And Natalie spoke thusly,

"We must make haste to Garfield,

But Odie the hell-bastard is a light sleeper,

Someone must take my place by his side,

Lest he awaken and chase us, and render meaningless the brave actions of Saint Jerome and Peasant Elton."

And so Milo girded his manhood about him and took the place of Natalie Portman,

And he spoke unto Jan-Michael, saying,

"Fly quickly in Coyote Peterson's hat,

I shall buy you time with my body."

And so Natalie left the halls of Odie.

And in the middle of his nap, Odie awoke and was deceived, for he mistook Milo for Natalie,

And Odie spoke thusly,

"You have heard it said that the Cosmic Love Katana of Garfield is powerful,

But compare it to the pork-augur of Odie,

Which stinks of rotten seafood."

And upon saying this, Odie thrust himself into the cleft of Milo,

Furiously did Odie pump upon the warm anal opening of Milo,

Such that Milo feared his anus would forever hang sadly, like the banner of a defeated army,

And Odie unleashed torrent after torrent of boiling demon-seed into Milo, such that Milo feared his bowels would burst asunder, as the sea cucumber bursts asunder when it swallows too much salt water,

All these sufferings Milo bore for Garfield.

And when he came into the bust at the end of his nut, Odie looked upon the face of Milo and realized he had been deceived,

And Odie made ready to devour the head of Milo, who spoke thusly,

"Verily, my life was painful,

And my death will be painful,

But I give praise to Garf,

Who will comfort me in the moment of my death,

And Who is much better at sexual fucking than Odie."

And so Odie gnawed the head of Milo,

And then Odie left his icy halls, flying through the air after the hat of Coyote Peterson,

Up to high heaven flew the hat and the evil son of Garfield,

But Garfield saw the chase and shot bullets of justice and divine vengeance at Odie, so that Odie was driven away,

And Jan-Michael, the final journeyer, returned Natalie to Garfield,

And Garfield slew Jan-Michael for his past sins,

But had mercy upon the soul of Jan-Michael, saying,

"He has trespassed against Garfield and I do not take such trespasses lightly,

But he has served Me in his fashion, and so I will not send him to the 365 Hells,

No, Jan-Michael shall come into the Nap at the End of his Monday."

And Garfield saw that it was good.

And Garfield took up His Consort in loving arms, saying,

"Natalie Portman, you are one hot mama,

Come, let Us retire to the Bed of Garfield,

Where the pleasure is everlasting and the Third Fist of Garfield never tires."

And the joys of Garfield's Sexual Fucking made Him forget His Just Desire to destroy the world,

Thus was Garfield appeased and mankind vindicated,

And Garfield saw that it was good.

The Apocryphal Book of Jonah

By the side of the lonely road there lived a tailor,

And his name was Jonah, son of Jonah, who was the son of Groin the Great,

Who lived in the days of yore and was pleasing to the Eyes of Garfield,

For the hands of Groin the Great were mightily-fingered,

And they struck down crab-folk during the Wars of the Dawn-Sea, when Fifty Cent raised the blood-soaked man-hide of divine conflict and human soldiers appealed to Fauntleroy, that he might guard them in the iron tempest of war,

But the hands of Jonah were weak, and better-suited for the sewing of pants than the hewing of foes.

And Jonah spoke thusly,

"The life of Jonah is one of mediocrity,

But I am content."

And one day Jonah met a stranger on the road,

A wanderer hooded and cloaked,

And Jonah gave hospitality unto the stranger, saying,

"The bread of Jonah is the bread of Jonah's guest,

Eat from my table,

And I shall sew up the holes in your cloak."

The sewing of Jonah was serviceable,

So that the stranger would not get wet in the rain,

Yet he would not look particularly attractive to the women of the earth,

Because his clothing was sewn by Jonah.

So the stranger threw aside his hood, saying,

"You have my thanks,

And I am Delgo, that god of middling accomplishment,

The god whose doings on earth cause men to proclaim him all right,

Not too good,

But not too bad either,

And I shall do a favor for you."

And Jonah spoke thusly,

"Oh,

Okay."

And so Delgo took an enormous shit on the floor of Jonah's home,

And Jonah said, "Oh."

And Delgo molded the shit into the shape of a man and carved the word for life into the shit-man's head and said,

"This is Chappie,

He is yours now."

And so Jonah commanded Chappie,

"Verily, I wonder what Kat Dennings is up to lately,

Find out for me."

But all Chappie said was, "Chappie,"

And Chappie made shit of all he did,

For he was shit,

Such that Jonah could get no real work from him,

And in feeding him, starved to death himself,

And thus did Jonah come into the Nap at the end of his Monday.

Garfield Destroys the World

Three things will herald the Ending of the World,

Three times will the Bells of Doom ring,

The Doom Bells, the great bells of brass and bone at the end of the world,

Three times will Garfield shoot the Bells with his Golden Desert Eagle,

And this is the first heralding.

This is the second heralding,

All the stars will fall from the sky,

Star Apsinthion, and Star Aurum, and Star Aldebaran,

They will crash into the sea and kill one-third of the men of the earth by poisoning the water,

And then the beasts of the earth will rise up,

Slaying and stinging with rage made flesh,

And another third of the men of the earth will be slain by the ravenous beasts,

And then the giants will come ravening out of the Iron Forest,

The Once-ler's children, and the children of Baba Yaga, and the children of Odie,

And they will slay another third of the men of the earth.

And the men of the earth will cry out to high heaven, speaking thusly,

"Oh Great Garfield in heaven,

The Great Orange Glory,

The Bringer of Justice and Cosmic Love,

Please give heed to the sufferings of the men of the earth."

But Garfield will speak thusly unto them, saying,

"I am finally bored unto tears,

And the Boredom of Garfield is the death of mankind,

The play has finished and now I shall applaud,

With My Gun."

And so Garfield will shoot the earth with His Golden Desert Eagle,

And the 365 Hells will burst asunder,

Then boiling excrement and butter will flood the world of men,

And thousands of skeletons will rise up and scourge men with an erotic fury,

And the Skeleton King will make his home in the palaces of earthly kings, saying,

"Behold me, men of the earth,

I am Sans Undertale,

Dark Lord of the Underworld,

And I will ride my pale horse over the cities of men and overthrow them,

And death will rule over all."

And Sans Undertale will raise death all over the earth,

Such that one-third of the men of the earth will die,

And then Sans will go away to the VOID BETWEEN THE WORLDS,

For he will have walked the road that Garfield had paved for him.

And the men of the earth will be greatly vexed, crying out,

"Surely it cannot get any worse than this!"

But it will,

Fifty Cent will enter his greatest blood-rage,

He will affix the Mighty Machine Gun to his golden codpiece,

And with it, he will overthrow every city and stronghold of man,

Such that a third of them will die,

And Fifty Cent will say,

"I am greatly pleased with this blood on the sand,

Never again will a bitch take my skull."

And thus will all the men of the earth come into the Nap at the End of their Mondays,

And their spirits will assemble on the Plains of the End Times,

Before the Ivory Throne of Garfield,

And Garfield will be Manly Strength made Glorious,

And all will fall to their knees before Father Garfield and worship Him beneath the flaming sky.

And Garfield will speak thusly to the assembled souls of men,

"Hear Me, for I am Garf and these are the Words of Garf,

I really did it this time,

I have ended the world of men, for this action pleased Me,

And so pass the glories of your pitiful world,

For the Glories of Garfield are greater.

"Now I shall separate the wicked from the just as chaff is separated from the sweet corn,

For it is not meet that the wicked should prosper."

And so Garfield shall take up His Mighty Flail,

The Great Implement of Judgement,

And He shall beat the souls of all men as the grain is beaten,

And the souls of the wicked will fly into the 730 Hells,

But the souls of the just will be taken into the New Paradise,

And there they shall pay tribute to the Alpha-Male.

The souls of the righteous will serve Garfield for 1000 years,

They will pour the drinks of Garfield and cook the lasagna for Garfield,

And they will watch with delight as Garfield makes love to their wives,

Great will be the pleasure of the women of the earth,

Lanced as they will be by the Undying Appendage of Garfield,

Brought again and again to climax,

Such that they will cry out,

"All praise be to Garfield, Who has given us pleasures by the bushel,

And Who prods us unendingly."

And the men of the earth will speak thusly,

"All praise be to Garfield,

Who has given our wives the pleasure we never could."

And this will last for a thousand years,

And it will be awesome,

But then bad things will happen.

Odie, that bastard seed of Garf, will rise out of the pits of the 730 Hells,

And all that are wicked shall follow him,

And his mother the Baba Yaga will carry his wicked battle-standard,

And John Stamos and Dave Coulier will be in his train,

And this foul host will bring war to the walls of Garfield's Ivory Palace, saying,

"Now Odie shall be king!"

But the Glories of Garfield are greater,

He will assemble the Lesser Gods and they will do battle in the Name of Garfield,

He will marshal the souls of men into an army of justice,

Fifty Cent will raise the banner of Fauntleroy, that blue-suited demigod of bloody murder, and Randy Newman will blow the iron trumpet of war, so that all beings will feel fear,

And they will give battle to Odie on the plains of high heaven.

Odie will strike first,

And his blow will fell Delgo, that most mediocre of gods,

Who will lament saying,

"There are so many things I could have done, but did not do,

You have heard it said that Delgo is a mediocre god,

And you have heard truly."

And the gods will give battle,

And the monsters will give battle,

And men will give battle,

And the blood will flood the plains of heaven,

The blood will drip down into the underdark, where it will fall upon the primeval pangolin,

Who will awaken again and burrow through the worlds,

Destroying everything with his passage,

And gods will die,

And monsters will die,

And men will die, many men will die horribly and painfully, more painfully than ever before,

And at last Odie will challenge Garfield, the Greatest God,

And Odie will catch Garfield by the throat with his fangs,

But the Power of Garf is Immense,

And Garfield will place His Deagle to the evil temple of Odie, saying thusly,

"The real tragedy of this apocalypse is that no one remembered to bring any lasagna,

Now I rid myself of Odie,

I will scatter his brains across the worlds,

And I will wipe clean the slate,

Such that none will remember the name of Odie!"

And Garfield will explode the head of Odie,

And Odie will suffer forever in the boiling excrement and butter of hell,

And everyone will slay everyone, until Garfield commands Randy Newman to play the note that ends the universe,

And Randy will sing thusly,

"Randy,

Gonna destroy the universe,

Playing it out with my keyboard,

Bye everybody!"

And everything will cease to exist,

All the monsters and the souls of men,

They will come into the Nap that Never Ends.

And so the Lesser Gods of Garfield will shed their mantles,

Speaking thusly,

"We have walked the roads that Garfield has paved for us,

And we have done the work that Garfield has planned for us,

And now our work is accomplished."

And the gods will walk into the VOID BETWEEN THE WORLDS,

Where all time is over and all sounds go quiet,

And the soul can rest for a while,

And Jon Arbuckle's last words will be: "Garfield."

And Coyote Peterson's last words will be: "Be brave, stay wild, I'll see you on the next adventure."

And Jeff Goldblum's last words will be: "The universe, now that's chaos theory."

And Fifty Cent's last words will be: "Now I will enter the VOID, where there are no bitches to steal my skull."

And Robbie Rotten's last words will be: "I was a villain number one, and for that I make no apologies."

And Randy Newman's last words will be: "Randy, entering the VOID, cessation of all existence, that's all right with Randy."

And the gods will go forth will utter calm and happiness,

For they have done the work of the Lesser Gods.

And then Garfield will be alone with Garfield,

Garfield, the Mighty God of Creation and Sexual Fucking,

The Avenger, the Impregnator, the Righter of Wrongs and the Protector of Naps,

The Lord of Everything and Always,

And who knows what Garfield will say unto Garfield when Garfield is alone with Himself,

But attend!

He is Garfield, the Conqueror of Trim and the Destroyer of Demons,

He will pass the candle on to Garfield,

And time will go on forever,

Forever and ever,

Garfield without end,

Amen.