He was never that into me, but I let him fake it for over a year! – 21.01.17
Forest green eyes followed the escapades of the group skating around on the ice. More specifically, she watched as the only person she'd ever loved skated along on the frozen ground, attached to the only person he'd ever loved.
Seventh year Ravenclaw Head Girl, Emmeline Vance, meandered down the sleet-covered walkway by the Black Lake, her eyes focused solely on her ex-boyfriend Remus Lupin (a Gryffindor of the same year). As she walked, she realised that her eyes constantly sought him out. Whenever she walked into a room, or wandered around the school in general, she found herself unfailingly hunting out the tall wizard.
She had always searched for him; ever since they had met on the Hogwarts Express in their first year. Back in first year, Remus had been shy and severely lacking in any social skills but he had also been unfathomably kind and unerringly intelligent; they had made quick friends on the journey to the large castle.
Back then, she had thought (or rather, she had hoped) that he would be put into Ravenclaw – where she expected she would be placed. But he had been sorted into Gryffindor, and she into Ravenclaw. Despite being in different Houses, their friendship hadn't suffered and they remained good friends.
In second year, Emmeline had developed a crush on the young boy and by fifth year, her long-winded crush had reached its peak.
They had both been made Prefects and, with this development, they had spent a lot more time with each other. The more time she spent with him, the more her infatuation with him grew. And, by the end of Christmas, she couldn't deny it any longer. She had fallen deeply, doubtlessly, unbelievably in love with the Gryffindor.
After February of their fifth year, they grew even closer.
Remus had fallen out with one of his best friends, Sirius Black, but she didn't know why – no one did. It seemed that the only people who knew why were the 'Marauders', and they were all keeping tight-lipped.
Remus had refused to discuss it with her and she, being the good friend she was, had decided to bury the subject. With temporary rift between Remus and Black, he had spent a lot more time with her.
Those few weeks when Black wasn't around were brilliant, in Emmeline's opinion. Before then, Black was nearly always around Remus and she rarely got to see her Gryffindor alone unless they were studying or in class or on Prefect rounds. Without Black around, she had Remus all to herself – for the most part; school and his other friends (James Potter, Peter Pettigrew and Lily Evans) occupied the rest of his time.
Those few weeks with Remus had been when Emmeline's love for the Gryffindor had become overpowering and, by March, she couldn't keep it a secret anymore.
She had made the first move, surprisingly. She had always thought that Remus, being a Gryffindor (and therefore being known for impulsive/brave behaviour), would have made the first move. But, he didn't and she had kissed him first, knowing how oblivious he was when people flirted with him.
She reckoned he was also quite bashful about the subject, having never really flaunted his past relationships before.
By the end of April, Remus and Black had become friends again (though, their friendship seemed tense and slightly strained, and the Pureblood seemed to be trying to make it up to Remus), and she and Remus were united together in coupledom.
Everything was perfect, she'd thought.
She had finally gotten Remus and everything was going great. He was attentive and treated her as she had expected he would: with care and respect. He was kind to her friends and she returned the favour, being polite to his tight-knit group.
There was only really one problem: Sirius Black.
He just didn't seem to like her. Every time she arrived, Black always seemed to leave. He sometimes made his excuses but more often than not he just left without a word and a wary look in her direction.
She had told Remus about it but he had denied there was a problem. She reckoned that he either didn't notice it or he didn't know the reason as to why his friend disliked her, either. After she had brought it up, she had observed Remus frowning after Black when he left.
Emmeline knew Black didn't like her – that much was obvious – but what she couldn't understand was why.
She was always nice to him and she tried to make conversation with him (because he was Remus' friend and that was what good girlfriends did), but Black just didn't seem interested. He had an obvious disdain for her and, in the end, she gave up trying. She was still polite to him around people, but that was as far as their relationship went.
Eventually, she stopped caring about why he disliked her; she wasn't a massive fan of the arrogant Black heir anyway. She had always thought Remus was better than him, but she hadn't voiced that opinion, knowing how protective of his friends Remus was.
Besides, she didn't need Black's approval. She had Remus' attention and that was enough. She didn't need Remus' friends to like her, as long as he did. Black was a minor problem in hers and Remus' relationship; one she could overlook.
Emmeline and Remus dated for just over a year – from March of their fifth year to April of their sixth year – and everything had been going brilliantly. That was, until their perfect relationship ended abruptly and with its demise went their previous friendship.
It had ended, in her opinion, because of Sirius Black – the arrogant prick.
It had started off with small things at first – with little disagreements that became more persistent during sixth year and the later months of their relationship. It was over silly things to begin with: like schoolwork, missed Hogsmeade weekends due to friends, and forgotten anniversaries here and there.
But then they started arguing about other, more serious things: like the lack of time they spent together, or Remus' secretive nature, or his friends.
Emmeline had expressed her concerns about Black (and his standoffish behaviour towards her) multiple times but Remus refused to hear of it, playing it off as if it was unimportant or paranoia. He was always defending Black and taking the Pureblood's side – a fact that Emmeline hated.
Because she knew. She knew that Black disliked her – he always had. She had only tolerated him for the duration of hers and Remus' relationship because she loved Remus, and Black, unfortunately, was one of her boyfriend's best friends.
Sirius Black, in her opinion, was the real reason behind their arguments and he was the reason for the eventual end of her perfect relationship.
She thought (knew) that Black was secretly in love with her boyfriend and she reckoned that was the reason for his hostility towards her; he was jealous and felt threatened by her. He was always trying to undermine her in front of Remus, and he continuously made snarky comments about her – whether she was in earshot or not.
And, in April, she had just snapped.
They had been sitting – they being Remus, herself, Black, Pettigrew, Potter, Evans and Alice Bones – out by the lake, studying, when it had happened.
Black had been laughing and joking, and getting a little too cosy with Remus for her liking, and her patience level had reached its peak. She had just fractured and accidentally brought about the end of her relationship.
Black had been whispering in her boyfriend's ear, making her boyfriend laugh, putting his arm around her boyfriend's shoulders and after months of taunting, she had cracked. She had accused him of being in love with Remus (which, he was; he may not have admitted to it, but Emmeline knew) and trying to destroy their relationship.
Remus had told her to calm down and that she was overreacting. In her blind panic, she had asked why he never sided with her and if he was in love with Sirius, too. Remus had been shocked and angry by her accusations, though he didn't show it, and he had proceeded to drag her away from the group to a secluded area at the other side of the lake.
Away from his friends, he told her to stop raving like a 'lunatic' and that she was being paranoid. She had – still in her blind panic – accused him again of shagging Sirius behind her back. Remus' face had shown obvious hurt and Emmeline regretted saying it the second it left her mouth.
She didn't know why she had said it; it was unfounded and she had no evidence. Remus wasn't that type of person, she knew. Her Gryffindor had been upset by her words and had angrily accused her of being a 'jealous psycho' before he had sorrowfully told her that it wasn't working anymore and they had broken it off.
Their breakup had been nine or so months earlier and, although time does heal all wounds, she was still deeply upset by how it ended. She hadn't wanted it to end that way. In fact, she hadn't wanted it to end at all, truth be told.
With Remus, Emmeline could imagine her life perfectly: the kids, the house, the dog – the perfect life with the perfect man. But the fact remained that it did end and she was still deeply in love with him. He, however, had moved on.
They were in their seventh year, now. In fact, they were a few months into their seventh year and only a few weeks earlier, in early December (before Christmas break), Remus and Black had been outed as a couple by one of the gossiping Hufflepuff's that had caught them in one of the empty classrooms.
News of 'Hogwarts's New Couple' had spread like wildfire and Emmeline had found out within hours of the incident. She, admittedly, had mixed feelings about the news.
At first, she had wondered if her accusations about an affair had been accurate before she dismissed it. Remus would never cheat, she knew; he just wasn't that type of person.
She had been happy for Remus – she wanted him to be happy and towards the end of their relationship, she knew he wasn't – but she had been, understandably, upset. She may have wanted Remus to be happy, but that didn't mean she was happy about who he had chosen to be with.
Why, out of all of the people in Hogwarts (Hell, in the entire universe!), had Remus chosen Sirius fucking Black?
Remus, in her opinion, could do much better than Black. He was too good for an arrogant, selfish, egotistical prick like Sirius bloody Black. She knew that Black was only going to break Remus' heart. And Remus didn't deserve that. He may have broken her heart but that didn't mean he deserved the same pain.
She knew that Black would only hurt Remus (intentionally or not) and, while that was a bad thing, in some selfish way, she hoped he did so. If he did, then she reckoned she could have a chance with her Gryffindor again.
A familiar, low chuckle brought Emmeline back to the present and her eyes focused on Remus once more. She watched sombrely as the only man she'd ever loved glided around on the ice, having fun and laughing with the only person he'd ever loved.
In truth, she had always known she was second best compared to Sirius Black. She had always, however deep down, known there was something more between the two Gryffindor's. They were always more…affectionate with each other than they were with others; they were always closer than they were with the others. She supposed she just hadn't wanted to see it before.
Forest green eyes watched as Remus and Black (and their other Gryffindor posse) skated off the ice, grinning and guffawing together, and began making their way up to the castle.
She watched and decided, at that moment, that she needed to talk to Black. She needed to know his true intentions, and to warn him not to hurt Remus. She loved Remus and Remus deserved the best. She had to know that her Love was in safe hands, or prove that he wasn't.
She followed behind the troop at a sedate pace (as to not attract attention) and waited for a moment that she could get Sirius Black alone.
Emmeline didn't find her moment on the way up to the castle. She followed the group all the way to their Tower but she failed to get Black alone.
She supposed she hadn't expected to get him alone straight away, but she had expected for him to peel away from the group at some point. But he didn't. Whenever she saw him, he was either with the group or at Remus' or Potter's side.
In the following days (or weeks, rather), she couldn't get the arrogant Gryffindor alone.
Eventually, though, after some investigative work (or stalking as her friend, Anna, had called it) she found her 'in'.
Through her weeks of research on the conceited wizard, she had learned that Black often went to the library alone on Wednesday nights for some personal study time away from his friends. She surmised that then was her only chance to talk to him alone.
One Wednesday night, near the end of February, Emmeline followed Black into the Hogwarts library and hid behind one of the tall bookshelves, peeking through the gaps in the books to keep an eye on him.
She stayed there in hiding, observing and waiting for the perfect time to strike. She watched him study, all the while thinking of what she was going to say. So lost in her thoughts was she that she didn't realise that the library was closing until she saw Black pack away and leave.
Hurriedly, she followed him out into the hallways, hiding behind statues and in alcoves along the way. Soon enough, they were nearing the Gryffindor Tower and she knew that if she didn't strike now, she'd lose her chance until the next week.
So, with that final thought, she moved away from the suit of armour and stood in the middle of the empty (apart from them) hallway. She arranged herself so that her shoulders were squared and her chin was up defiantly: a strong posture, in her opinion. She would not be intimidated by Black like everyone else was.
"Black," she called, her voice echoing down the empty hallway.
Black spun around faster than she could blink and she almost stumbled backwards when she saw his face. He looked guarded, intense, as if preparing for a fight, and he stood stock-still with his wand aloft in the air and pointed in her direction.
There was a few long seconds of intense silence as Black seemed to take the time to recognise who she was before he lowered his wand slightly, not putting it away but no longer pointing it at her. Clearly he was still wary of her but he didn't see her as an immediate threat.
"Vance," he greeted with a curt nod.
"I need to talk to you," she said, her voice wavering slightly.
Black stared at her for a little while before he nodded and moved towards her, pocketing his wand as he walked. He kept moving toward her until he was less than a metre away.
They stood at the same height – Emmeline had always been a fairly tall woman – but his presence was more overpowering than hers and it made him seem taller; his general aura was intimidating, emitting power and strength. She stayed where she was defiantly, standing tall and unmoving.
"Go on, then," Black said, grey eyes watching her cautiously.
Emmeline cleared her throat before she spoke. "It's about Remus," she informed.
"What about him? You two aren't together anymore, you know," he reminded coolly.
"No," she agreed, iciness seeping into her tone. "But I still care for him. And I don't know that you do. I want to know that you won't hurt him."
Black studied at her for an extended moment, a muscle jumping in his clenched jaw as he tried to keep his composure and icy exterior. His whole posture – from the way he stood to the expression in his grey eyes – made her want to fidget. She didn't, though. She kept her cool composure, showing him that she was unaffected by him.
"Vance, you aren't with him anymore. Who he dates has nothing to do with you," he said with a thin-controlled calm before he stepped back and looked away.
"It has everything to do with me," she spat back. "I actually love him. And I don't want him to get hurt." She huffed through her nose and shifted her bag nervously on her shoulder.
"Look, I know, okay?" she continued. "I know he was never that into me, but I let him fake it for over a year! Because I love him. Just because we're no longer together doesn't mean I don't still love him. Those feelings don't just go away because he broke my heart and started shagging you."
She sighed wearily and closed her eyes, fighting back the angry tears that Sirius Black had created. She knew that if he hadn't been there, she and Remus would still be together. If Black hadn't been there, infecting Remus' life, then Remus would have loved her and they would still be happy together.
Those realisations were stifling and heavily frustrating, and they just made her want to breakdown. She took in some deep breaths and tried to calm herself down.
"Black, I don't want you to hurt him. And I know you will," she said, opening her eyes again and looking at Sirius who seemed just as agitated as she felt.
"Why does everyone think I'm going to hurt him?" he asked, his voice uncharacteristically small.
Emmeline hesitated for a moment, unused to the quiet voice. "Because you're a Black," she replied honestly, unable to hold back with the venom in her voice. "And Black's don't fall in love. They fall in lust, and they fall in greed, but they do not fall in love. Black's destroy things. And I don't want to see you destroy someone as amazing as Remus. He doesn't deserve it."
Black stared at her for a long moment, his grey eyes intense and fixed on her forest green. His stillness was disconcerting but Emmeline stood her ground and studied the wizard in front of her.
To her, he looked angry. But, she realised, not just that. He also seemed to be quite hurt. His grey eyes were stormy and serious, and his exterior was very intimidating. However, despite outwards appearances, she reckoned it was just for show because, as she looked into his expressive eyes, she thought she could see something there; something she had never seen there before: vulnerability, and possibly even fear.
She swallowed subtly and kept standing her ground, waiting for him to break the tense and uncomfortable silence. Eventually, he spoke.
"I'm not going to destroy him," he replied, his voice low and a little raw. "And, I'm not a Black anymore; I was disowned. Besides, I've never been a typical Black. Have I, Vance?" His stormy grey eyes stared into her forest green. "Look, I…I love him. I really do. I know people don't think I do. But, I do."
He ran a hand through his hair agitatedly, making Emmeline understand the appeal he had for most of the Hogwarts female population. He was dangerous and alluring, but he had no effect on her.
"You're right," he agreed. "He is amazing, and he doesn't deserve to be hurt. But I have no intentions of hurting him, Vance. Look, I…" He swallowed hard but kept his eyes focused on her. "He deserves the world. But he chose me. And I'm trying my best not to fuck this up. He believes in me, so I don't need you to. But I won't hurt him, if that's what you need me to say. Or at least, I'm trying my best not to hurt him."
Emmeline stood in the aftermath of his words, staring at him and deciding whether his words were true or not. After a long while, she was still inconclusive.
Huffing, she looked away. "You'd better not ruin him, Black," she warned. "Or you'll have me to deal with."
And with that, she stormed off to the Ravenclaw Tower to go over every detail of their conversation; every facial expression or voice breakage. Every word was analysed from the second she left Black in that corridor to the second she fell asleep.
Emmeline walked into the Arithmancy classroom, sighing as she sat down in the seat she always sat in: the seat that had the perfect view of Remus Lupin and Sirius Black.
She watched the couple in front of her, sitting next to each other and laughing at something. She didn't know what they were snickering about but it was clearly hilarious as she heard Remus snort. She knew he only did that when he found something particularly hysterically funny.
As she watched the Gryffindor's, she realised that perhaps their year of bliss wasn't 100% fake. She had enjoyed their time together, and she reckoned that Remus probably had too – they had been friends before the romance entered their relationship.
Remus had possibly, perhaps in the beginning, even truly fancied her. He wouldn't have spent a year making love to her and spending time with her if he didn't enjoy her company, she reckoned.
It didn't matter, though. In the end, she knew that he had just been wasting time with her. Remus had never really wanted her – not that way, at least – but she had loved him so much that she had let him fake it for the duration of their relationship. It didn't matter that it had mostly been falsified feelings on his part. They were true on hers.
Emmeline still loved Remus, despite it all, but as she looked at the couple of Gryffindor's sitting together, side by side, she couldn't deny that Black felt something for Remus. Nor could she deny that Remus felt more for Black than he ever had for her.
Maybe Black did love him, she wondered. Maybe Remus was safe in Black's hands.
While those revelations hurt, Emmeline found that she was glad of the pain. It reminded her that she was human. She was glad that Remus was happy and she was glad that, now that it was over, she could start to get over him; she could be happy, too, some day.
She was safe in the knowledge that perhaps Remus Lupin, the only man to have ever held her heart, was safe with Sirius Black.
NOTE: This is posted in 'A PostSecret Collection', too.
DISCLAIMER: I do not own these characters.
Thanks for reading! =) Hope you enjoyed it!