DARKWING DUCK - THE MOVIE
By Bill Hiers
Based on the original episode written by Tad Stones and the comic book by Disney Comics.
All characters are copyright Walt Disney, and this script is in no way intended to be used for any sort of monetary gain.
EXT. ST. CANARD - NIGHT
Est. Shot of the city skyline.
DARKWING (V.O.):
This is the burgeoning city of St. Canard. My city. Like any other major metropolis, it has its problems with the criminal element.
EXT. BANK - NIGHT
Est. Shot of a bank. Suddenly, the entire block is rocked by a huge explosion from inside the bank, and three criminals exit; a large pig, BOSSMAN, comes running out the front entrance with sacks of money in either hand, followed by two more CROOKS, each carrying a large sack slung over their shoulders. They quickly rush across the street where two more of their companions wait.
DARKWING (V.O.):
But St. Canard also has something most other cities don't...
BOSSMAN:
C'mon, you guys, hurry up. Hey, wait a sec, where's Crocker?!
Glancing around they notice that one of the two crooks that'd exited the bank with the Bossman is gone! Suddenly, he comes flying out of nowhere, bound and gagged, smacking into the Bossman and knocking him down.
BOSSMAN:
Crocker! Who did this to you?
CROCKER:
Mmmffft Bmmmppptfff!
BOSSMAN:
What is this? Some kinda joke?
He rips the gag off of Crocker, who howls in pain. Before the tied-up crook can answer, there is a sudden puff of purple smoke nearby.
CROCKER:
There he is!!!
DARKWING:
I am the terror that flaps in the night!
CROOK 1:
What's that, boss?!
Suddenly, a SECURITY GUARD, looking groggy and holding his head, staggers out of the smoking bank.
GUARD:
Stop! Help! Police! They robbed the bank!
BOSSMAN:
I dunno, but we're outta here!
The five criminals quickly turn and run around a corner, disappearing into an alleyway with Bossman carrying the still tied-up Crocker, as DARKWING DUCK, replete with purple wide-brimmed fedora, purple cape, and purple double-breasted suit emerges from the purple haze.
DARKWING:
You might as well give up, you slimy scourges! There's no use trying to escape! No one has a chance of getting away from... DARKWING DUCK!
A loud roar of engines emanates from within the alley, and Bossman comes shooting out on a motorcycle, quickly followed by the twins on their respective bikes, and finally a pickup truck with Crocker and the other crook in the cab; Crocker is riding shotgun, still tied-up.
DARKWING:
Well, maybe a SMALL chance.
He is forced to leap aside as the convoy comes flying past, turning and zooming off down the street.
DARKWING:
Mighty clever of them to have prearranged escape vehicles at the ready. But those creeps don't know who they're dealing with!
EXT. STREETS OF ST. CANARD - NIGHT
Darkwing runs and jumps onto a springy, abandoned mattress and vaults over a wooden fence. Moments later he comes blasting through said fence like it was balsa wood, riding on his trademark motorcycle sidecar, the Ratcatcher, and, suddenly, we FREEZE-FRAME ON HIM.
DARKWING (V.O.):
But it
wasn't always this exciting for me, no siree, not at all. I got my
start in the superhero gig when I was still in high school...
FLASHBACK TO:
EXT. ST. CANARD HIGH - DAY
Est. Shot of a typical American high school, circa the 1970's. The bell rings.
DARKWING (V.O.)
Good old St. Canard High, class of 1978!
INT. ST. CANARD HIGH - CLASSROOM
Several students are sitting at their desks, many at work on a test. We focus on DRAKE MALLARD, a young teenaged duck wearing a purple shirt and a gold medallion necklace.
DARKWING (V.O.):
Yep, that fine-lookin' specimen with the gold medallion is none other than yours truly! I remember that year very clearly because number one, I had Mr. Tightbill, the meanest teacher in school, and two, it was my first big case. The perilois pilfering of my friend Lenny's pencil...
He's already finished his test, and looks bored. Seated behind him is another student, LENNY, a canine who is rifling through his notebook in search of something. Drake casually turns to face him.
DRAKE
So, Lenny, you claim the last time you saw your pencil, it was on your book.
Lenny nods.
DRAKE
But the pencil is no longer there.
Lenny nods again.
DRAKE
Ah-ha! Ergo, the pencil has been stolen!
Lenny blinks, holds up a finger to say something, but Drake turns around completely and gets in his face. Wide-eyed, Lenny leans back.
DRAKE
That's right, Lenny, solving this felony will be dangerous, but Mr. Tightbill left me in charge, so I can do whatever I want!
Getting up, he runs over to another STUDENT, pointing at him.
DRAKE
You! Where were you last night?
Student 1 just stares at him, confounded.
DRAKE
A likely story!
He whirls to STUDENT 2, and points at her.
DRAKE
How many pencils did you have when you came to school, missy?
Like the others, she doesn't respond to him. Apparently this is a regular occurance. Another student, ELMO SPUTTERSPARK, sits nearby, and, like Drake, he's already done with his test and is in the middle of reading a book. He's got "nerd" written all over him, wearing an ill-fitting suit and tie to class. He shoots Drake an annoyed look before returning to his reading.
At the back of the class sits a large, muscular pig in a preppy sweatervest. This is HAMILTON "HAM" STRING. Seated beside him is PREENA LOTT, a female canine with way too much makeup. Ham is the star quarterback for the school's football team, and Preena is his girl. Drake pops up between them, startling them. He glares at Ham.
DRAKE
Ah-ha! The jock! Perhaps you use pencils to... keep score with?!
Annoyed, Ham shoves him away.
HAM
I didn't do nothin'. Lay off.
PREENA
Go on, Ham, tweak his beak!
Ham sneers and pulls Drake's bill down and releases it, so that it flips up with a sproinging sound like an ironing board.
Meanwhile, Lenny is down on his hands and knees, searching the floor, and he finds a pencil underneath his desk.
LENNY
Ah, here's my pencil. It must've rolled off my desk.
Ham and Preena erupt with laughter. Encouraged, everyone, including Elmo, turns and points at Drake, laughing. Humiliated, he slinks back to his desk and sits down just as MR. TIGHTBILL, a very angry-looking middle-aged duck with already-thinning red hair, enters.
MR. TIGHTBILL
What's all this racket?
Everyone shuts up, including Ham. You can hear a pin drop. Tightbill eyes the class before going to his desk, shaking his head.
MR. TIGHTBILL
I'm gone five minutes and already this place degenerates into an insane asylum.
The rest of the class proceeds in deathly silence. Finally, the bell rings, signalling the end of class.
MR. TIGHTBILL
All right, now, I want you all to bring me your tests--
LENNY
But, Mr. Tightbill, I'm not--
MR. TIGHTBILL
--completed or not up to my desk single-file and leave quietly.
As the students begin filing past Tightbill's desk, he takes on a surprisingly more jovial air.
MR. TIGHTBILL
And don't forget, Saturday is the day of the big school dance.
Everyone cheers.
MR. TIGHTBILL
I said quietly!!!
Instant silence. Drake is last of all, as Ham shoves him out of the way so he and Preena and turn in their tests ahead of him. Trembling, Drake puts his test on Tightbill's desk as the teacher gives him a death glare.
MR. TIGHTBILL
Drake, that's the third time the class has degenerated into absolute chaos while I left you in charge. From now on I'm going to pick a new monitor.
DRAKE
Y-yes, Mr. Tightbill, sir.
He turns and scurries out into the hall.
INT. ST. CANARD HIGH - HALLWAY
Drake breathes a huge sigh of relief. Spotting Lenny, he runs over and catches up to him.
DRAKE
Hey, Lenny, wait up!
LENNY
Why do you hang out with me...?
DRAKE
You're the closest thing I've got for a friend.
LENNY
Well, why don't you pick, uh, Elmo Sputterspark?
He points over at Elmo, who is at his locker. Drake shudders.
DRAKE
Ech, Elmo Sputterspark, are you kidding? I wouldn't be caught dead within ten feet of that guy outside the walls of this school! I may be a dweeb, but at least I'm not creepy.
Lenny shrugs. Elmo gets a book out of his locker, when he is suddenly shoved from behind by Ham. He falls down onto the floor and then looks up at Ham and Preena as they stand over him.
ELMO
Please refrain from accosting me, 'sir!' Or I shall be forced to retaliate.
He gets up.
HAM
Oh yeah? You and what army?
He and Preena laugh. Elmo gapes and then scowls at them.
PREENA
Good one, Ham. Show 'im what's for.
Ham shoves him back down roughly. Jumping back up, Elmo balls up his fists and takes a swing at Ham and misses. He ends up spinning around from his own momentum and falls flat on his face again. Scowling, Drake walks over as Lenny watches, unbelieving.
DRAKE
Why don't you leave him alone, Ham? Pick on somebody your own size!
Ham turns and glares at him. Drake's courage withers as the huge jock towers over him.
HAM
That's a bit difficult when I'm the biggest guy IN this school, Drake the Dweeb! Now I got me two choices. Either I can pound on YOU, or I can pound on HIM.
He jerks a thumb at Elmo, who hurriedly takes this opportunity to get to his feet, grab his book, and race off down the hall.
HAM
Hey! Come back here, you little-- Rrrr!!! I hate it when they run away!
He turns back to Drake.
HAM
I'll deal with him later. Right now, I think I'm gonna finish takin' out my aggresion on YOU!
Drake gulps.
DRAKE
Oh, boy...
PREENA
Go on, Ham, trash the little dweeb!
Ham grabs Drake, picks him up, and carries him over to a nearby trashcan, and dunks him in headfirst. Only his kicking legs can be seen. Laughing, Ham and Preena walk off (in the direction opposite of the one Elmo ran in), leaving just Lenny and the trashcan with legs.
DRAKE
(muffled)
Of course, you know this is only a TOTAL defeat...
Sighing, Lenny walks over and helps Drake extract himself from the trashcan, and begins brushing him off.
LENNY
So, uh, you sure showed HIM...
DRAKE
Oh, shut up, Lenny...
Lenny holds up both hands and backs away, then lowers them.
LENNY
So, uh, you goin' to the big dance?
DRAKE
I don't know. I may as well, since I've got nothing better to do.
LENNY
Well, good luck finding a date. No offense. I ain't got one, either.
They turn and head off down the hall.
SCENE 2
INT. ST. CANARD HIGH - SCIENCE LAB
It is the end of the school day. Most of the students and teachers have already gone home, and Elmo is alone in the science lab working on an experiment. He has modified treadmill to have carpet on the treads, and is holding onto the handlebars and walking. As the carpetted treads move, the friction creates static electricity, lighting up a bulb attached to the treadmill by wire.
ELMO
At last! I have harnessed the awesome power of carpet static!
Papers from around the room are flying towards Elmo, attracted by the static electricity, and stick to him. He is ecstatic as he nonchalantly brushes them aside even though more keep coming.
ELMO
And those fools in the science club said it couldn't be done!
INT. HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY OUTSIDE SCIENCE LAB
Ham and Preena, passing the door, see Elmo on the treadmill through it. They both grin evilly.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL - SCIENCE LAB
Ham and Preena enter.
HAM
Well, well, well. What do we got here?
Elmo seemed oblivious to their presence up to this point because of all the papers sticking to his head, face and shoulders. Ham brushes them aside.
HAM
I owe you a knuckle sandwich from earlier, Elmo!
He looks down at the treadmill.
HAM
What's this? Some kinda workout machine?
Elmo, still running on the treadmill, is starting to tire and pant a little.
ELMO
No, it's quite simple. I'm using static electricity to power this incandescent bulb. Notice how my static charge attracts these pieces of paper to--
Ham cuts him off, prodding him in the chest with the end of his finger.
HAM
Look, I still don't get it. But as an athlete, I can see you ain't runnin' hard enough.
He grabs a roll of duct tape off a nearby table and hurriedly tapes Elmo's handes to the treadmill's handlebars, then cranks the machine up so that the tread begins going faster, forcing Elmo to run to keep up.
HAM
Sometimes you just need someone to push ya a little.
ELMO
Whoooooaaaa!!!
HAM
Remember, Elmo: no pain, no gain. Seeya 'round, poindexter.
Laughing, he and Preena leave the room and slam the door shut. Elmo runs and runs and runs, panting, sweat pouring off him, more and more paper being attracted to him, until, finally, blue electrical bolts begin to sizzle over his body. All of the power going into the lightbulb causes it to shatter, and, finally, the treadmill can't take anymore and dies, and Elmo, exhausted, slumps down, panting.
After a moment, he manages to wrench his hands free of the duct tape and falls down onto the floor. He slowly sits up.
ELMO
Ohhh...my, what a dreadful ordeal. But...fascinating from a scientific standpoint.
Rising, he walks to the door.
ELMO
I must call Mr. Meachum forthwith--
The moment his hand grabs the doorknob, he is violently electrocuted.
ELMO
Yaahhhhhh!!!
His hair, normally slicked back, is fried into a large afro. He finally lets go and stumbles back, then grits his teeth in anger. He points at the door.
ELMO
You rotten, no good, two-timing, no-goodnick doorknob--
A bolt of bluish electricity flies from his fingertip and hits the door, obliterating it and most of the doorframe, too. He takes a step back, surprised.
ELMO
Well, THAT was unexpected.
Randomly, he turns and points at a stool. Another bolt flies from his finger and zaps it, destroying it. He then turns and also zaps the treadmill, with the same results.
ELMO
At last! What I've always wanted! The ability to entertain people at cocktail parties! But wait! These powers might have greater uses.
His mouth twists into an evil, insane grin.
ELMO
Oh, Ham String, I do think that you're in for a SHOCKING surprise!
INT. ST. CANARD HIGH - GYM
Several students are dancing to the music of a band, the MEGAWATTS, playing onstage. We can see Mr. Tightbill chaperoning, moving among the students to ensure that their dancing conforms to his own conservative standards. We, however, focus on Drake, who is over by the buffet table. He's wearing a purple tux with a black bowtie and pink cravat. Spying two pretty GIRL STUDENTS, he grins and smooths back his hair, then fills up two cups at the punchbowl and sashays on over.
The girls turn to regard him as he stands there, a glass of punch in each hand.
DRAKE
Care to dance?
He waggles his eyebrows suggestively.
GIRL STUDENT #2
Drop dead, dweeb.
She smacks one of the cups out of his hand and it spills on the floor, then she and Girl Student #1 turn and walk off, noses turned up. Suddenly Mr. Tightbill appears at Drake's side, terrifying as ever.
MR. TIGHTBILL
Drake! Clean that mess up at once!
DRAKE
Yes sir, Mr. Tightbill, sir! Right away!
Tightbill turns, reacts to something offscreen, and then stomps off in that direction. Drake sighs.
DRAKE
It's gonna be a looooooong night.
Lenny comes walking up, munching on a candy bar he got from the buffet.
LENNY
Still no luck, huh?
Drake glumly grabs a roll of paper towels, tears some off, and begins mopping up the spilled punch.
LENNY
Yeah, me neither.
He takes a huge bite of the candy bar as, suddenly, they hear an odd electrical sizzle from nearby. Drake and Lenny turn, and see a blue glow coming through the double doors of the gym, which are slightly ajar. Suddenly they are thrown open and Elmo enters, electrical bolts surging over him. Startled by the noise, everyone stops what they're doing and turns towards him, including Megawatt, who stop playing the music. We see Ham and Preena, who are wearing a black tux and a green evening gown respectively.
ELMO
I am...MEGAWATT!!!
The lead singer of Megawatt pipes up.
LEAD SINGER
Hey! WE'RE Megawatt!
Elmo growls.
ELMO
Crap, I really liked that name! Oh well, in that case, I am...MEGAVOLT!
Ham turns and whispers to Preena.
HAM
Who's the geek?
PREENA
He's worse than Drake the Dweeb.
They don't seem afraid, but the other students do not seem to be sharing their sentiments. A large portion are already backing towards the other exit across the room. Mr. Tightbill pushes his way through the crowd and confronts Elmo, or as he shall hereafter be known, MEGAVOLT.
MR. TIGHTBILL
Elmo! You rotten little apple-polisher! This isn't like you!
Megavolt responds by aiming his finger, we think, at Tightbill, and he fires a blast of electricity, but it goes PAST Tightbill, and, instead, hits the buffet table. Drake and Lenny leap back, startled, and everyone screams as the table is reduced instantly to a pile of smouldering ashes.
MR. TIGHTBILL
Aw, that table was rented!
MEGAVOLT
Too bad, so sad!
He glares at the crowd staring at him.
MEGAVOLT
What are all of you looking at? Huh?! Your piercing stares are driving me mad! MAD, I tell you!!!
He calms down after a moment.
MEGAVOLT
(calmer now)
Oh, and, by the way, I'm going to destroy the school and all of you with it!
Now everyone breaks and runs. Most of the students make it out before Megavolt uses his powers to zap the doors and weld them shut. There's still about ten or fifteen people still trapped inside, including Drake, Lenny, Ham, Preena and Mr. Tightbill.
MEGAVOLT
Where're you goin'? The party's just beginning!
MR. TIGHTBALL
Elmo, if you don't stop this nonsense right this minute--
MEGAVOLT
You'll what? Give me detention? I'll give YOU detention!
He aims his finger at Tightbill again and fires, hitting him this time, but, rather than be instantly incinerated, the teacher is enveloped in a glowing blue aura which is attached to Megavolt's finger by a thin beam. He lifts Tightbill up into the air as the teacher kicks and struggles.
MR. TIGHTBILL
Put me down this instant!
While Megavolt is distracted, Drake tries to come up with a plan. He spies a stepladder which had been used to hang up a banner, and runs over to it.
MEGAVOLT
Time to give this school a special night to remember!
Drake grabs the banner and attempts to swing down at Megavolt, but, rather than coming loose entirely, the bottom part of the banner simply tears as Drake goes flying through the air. Megavolt turns and sees him and, startled, moves out of the way as Drake goes sailing past him, which causes him to lose his concentration, the blue aura around Mr. Tightbill disappearing, dropping the teacher harmlessly to the floor. Drake, meanwhile, smacks into Ham and Preena.
The three of them get to their feet, and Ham glares at Drake.
HAM
Nice try, Drake the Dweeb. Now let a REAL man handle this!
Shoving him aside and rolling up the sleeves of his tux, Ham walks towards Megavolt as Lenny and a couple of other students help the stunned Mr. Tightbill to his feet.
DRAKE
(to himself)
I've gotta stop him! But what can Drake the Dweeb do? No one will take ME seriously.
He looks around for something, anything. In a closet just to the left of the stage, he spies several costumes left over from a play and rushes over while everyone's attention is focused on Ham and Megavolt.
INT. ST. CANARD HIGH - STOREROOM
There's all kinds of props and costumes the drama club uses for plays stored in here. There's several racks of clothes, a full-length mirror, and mannequins wearing different themed costumes.
DRAKE
But what if I weren't Drake the Dweeb? What if I were... someone else?
He grabs a purple top hat off a hat rack, and a purple cape off a hangar, and, finally, a purple mask from off of a mennequin wearing a pirate costume. Putting all of these on hurriedly, he turns and admires himself in the full-length mirror standing nearby.
DRAKE
Perfect!
He sniffs.
DRAKE
A little musty, but it'll get the job done!
He then spies a small wooden box containing several black objects.
DRAKE
Aha! Smoke bombs left over from the drama club's production of McBeak! These should come in handy!
HAM
I'm gonna enjoy this!
MEGAVOLT
Not as much as me!
He begins "shooting" the floor in front of Ham, forcing him to jump up and down and side to side to avoid having his feet fried, making him "dance."
HAM
Yah! Oh! Ow! Eee!
Megavolt then zaps him in the same manner he had Mr. Tightbill and lifts the porcine bully up into the air and begins spinning him around, cackling insanely as everyone else looks on helplessly.
MEGAVOLT
Oh, St. Canard High School, who will save you now?!
HAM
What? Whoa! Ow, ow, ow, ooooh!!!
MEGAVOLT
All is lost! No one can save you now! You're chemistry!
The other hostages look at one another in confusion.
LENNY
Huh?
MEGAVOLT
No, not chemistry! Math?
LENNY
History?
MEGAVOLT
Shut up, Lenny, you're next!
He cackles, and then, suddenly, there is huge puff of purple gas at the top of the stepladder. Megavolt stops laughing and turns, blinking. Once again he loses his concentration, dropping his victim, and Ham crashes to the gym floor.
MEGAVOLT
What the---?
DRAKE'S VOICE
I am the terror that flaps in the night! I am the grade curve that gives you an 'F!'
The smokes clears to reveal Drake in his ridiculous costume stand on top of the stepladder, cape spread dramatically.
DISGUISED DRAKE
I am... uh, well, I'll think up a cool superhero name later! But the important thing is, I'm about to kick your butt!
MEGAVOLT
I forsee doom...
Drake swings down on the already-torn banner and kicks Megavolt in the back as he tries to run away. Everyone looks on, impressed. Megavolt gets up, glowering angrily.
MEGAVOLT
All right, whoever you are, you may be tough, but I'm not! No, wait, that's not right. Duh, um, or something.
He shrugs and fires blasts from his hands at the disguised Drake. Drake ducks, then turns and dives for cover behind another buffet table. Megavolt continues firing blasts, scorching the wall over Drake's head. Suddenly, Drake pops up from behind the table holding a silver dish cover. When one of Megavolt's blasts hits it, it is reflected and hits the disco ball that's hanging over the room. The ball falls down and lands on Megavolt, pinning him and knocking him senseless.
Cheering, everyone comes charging over to Drake. Mr. Tightbill writes up a detention slip and then sticks it on Megavolt's head.
EXT. ST. CANARD HIGH - GYM
It is later that night. The POLICE are taking the dazed and handcuffed Megavolt to a squad car as everyone looks on. Once the defeated former student is in the back, the cops drive off.
LENNY
Hey, anyone see where Drake went?
HAM
He probably chickened out and ran off when no one was lookin'.
PREENA
Good one, Ham!
Drake, without the disguise, suddenly pops up from behind some bushes and comes over. Lenny turns and sees him, and the others follow suit.
LENNY
Drake! There you are, man!
DRAKE
What happened?
HAM
You missed the coolest stuff, man!
DRAKE
Did I, now? What guy?
PREENA
Oh, just about the coolest guy ever!
HAM
Yeah, kind the opposite of you, Dweebasaurus rex!
Ham "tweaks his beak," and then the other students disperse, laughing, leaving Drake all by himself. Once he's absolutely certain he's alone, he begins talking to himself.
DRAKE
Whoa, that was...that was GREAT! I could really get into this vigilante gig! Now all I need is a name! Something that will conjure up the fear of a dark, moonless night! The speed of an eagle's wing! Something like... The Really Scary Fast Thing!
He shakes his head.
DRAKE
No, no, bad idea! The Purple Poultry! No, no. Aha! Yes! Darkwing Duck! I like the sound of that!
Turning, he points a finger up at the nighttime sky.
DRAKE
Let this be a sign to those who lurk in the shadows! Let terror pierce their hearts! For though they flee to the ends of the Earth, no evildoer shall escape the wrath of...DARKWING DUCK!!!
A beat. He grins.
DRAKE
Woo, that was pretty good!
We FREEZE FRAME AGAIN...
DARKWING (V.O.)
Yeah, that's pretty much how it happened. So to make a long story short so we can get to the real meat and potatoes of this adventure, Megavolt went to the nuthouse, poor guy, and as for me, I had the good fortune to have a rich uncle die and leave me all his money. Of course, it wasn't fortunate for HIM...and to be honest calling a relative's death fortunate is kind of callous...ah, but, anyway, where were we? Oh yeah! The car chase!
FADE BACK TO:
EXT. ST. CANARD - NIGHT
Still image of Darkwing busting through the fence on the Ratcatcher.
DARKWING (V.O.):
I used all of Uncle Hugo's money to buy myself the outfit and outfit his old Harley into the lean, mean, criminal-catching machine, the Ratcatcher! Anyway, I think I'm gonna just sit back and let you guys watch, and let the obvious explain itself.
FILM STARTS AGAIN
DARKWING:
Darkwing duck owns the night!
Big chase scene! Darkwing presses a green button on the handlebar, which causes his seat to spring upwards, launching him through the air. He lands in the bed of the pickup truck and quickly hops atop the cab, while the Ratcatcher amazingly continues to drive. Reaching in through the driver's side window, he grabs the steering wheel and turns it hard to the right, aiming the truck towards a telephone pole. Naturally, this is not done without some protest from the crook that's driving.
CROOK 1:
Hey! Let go!
He smacks Darkwing's hand away, regaining control of the truck and turning the wheel, avoiding a collision with the telephone pole. Darkwing reaches back inside, and the crook slaps his hand again. Thus begins a girlie-slapping contest between the two until, with a scowl, Darkwing finally just punches the guy in the face. Grabbing the wheel again, he turns it once more to the right, causing the truck to slam into a dumpster. The force of the impact sends both the driver and Crocker (who is STILL tied-up) through the windshield; they land in the dumpster, whose lid slams shut over them.
Darkwing, meanwhile, is also hurled forwards by the impact, but executes a graceful leap in midair and lands on his feet.
DARKWING:
Tsk-tsk-tsk. No seatbelts.
He then remembers the other three crooks, who have stopped to look back and see if their buddies are still behind them. Seeing that they're beyond help, they speed off just as the Ratcatcher arrives and skids to a halt alongside Darkwing. He hops aboard and the chase resumes.
Standing up in the seat, Darkwing pulls out his multi-purpose gas gun, firing a grappling hook that snags the back of Twin 1's motorcycle. Darkwing is suddenly yanked forwards and dragged along the pavement, as the Bossman suddenly doubles back and gets behind him, with the intention of running him over. Darkwing removes a manhole cover as he's dragged past it, causing Bossman's motorcycle to crash when the front tire hits the open sewer, demolishing the bike and sending him skidding on his butt.
BOSSMAN:
Whooooa! Ooof!
Darkwing then uses the manhole cover to defeat the remaining two crooks, bashing both twins upside the head with the manhole cover in turn, knocking senseless.
EXT. POLICE STATION - NIGHT
All five defeated criminals are tied up and riding in the sidecar portion of the Ratcatcher. After giving them a scare by almost colliding with an oncoming truck, Darkwing screeches to a halt outside the police station. The abrupt stop sends the five hoodlums flying forwards and into the front doors of the police station.
INT. POLICE STATION - LOBBY
The criminals crash through the double doors of the police station's front entrance, startling OFFICERS on duty. The DESK SERGEANT peers down from his tall desk as Darkwing jumps atop the pile of unconscious crooks.
DARKWING:
Another order of dastardly delinquents deposited on your doorstep, courtesy of Darkwing Duck. That's two words, not three, both D's capitalized. Here's my card. And, as a special bonus, I'm throwing in this free 8X10 glossy photograph of yours truly, suitable for framing.
He hands the sergeant a card and a glossy black and white photograph of himself. Blinking in slight confusion, he accepts them. Darkwing then hops down as the criminals are taken away.
BOSSMAN:
You ain't seen the last of me, you puny purple peabrain! I'll get you for this!
DARKWING:
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, and if the newspapers need more pictures, you can reach me at the number on the back of the card. Now, I must be off.
He sniffs the air for dramatic effect. The assembled officers just stare at him and scratch their heads.
DARKWING:
The scent of crime is in the air! I must disappear back into the gloom!
EXT. POLICE STATION - NIGHT
He throws open the double doors of the police station's entrance.
DARKWING:
Step aside! Requests for interviews must be referred to--
He stops short, suddenly noticing that the street outside the station is completely empty. A couple of newspapers fly past; Darkwing watches them flutter away.
DARKWING:
So where's the press?! I thought this was the age of media glut! Where's the Action News van when you need 'em? And I spent all afternoon ironing my costume and getting my hat reblocked!
Dejected, he hops onto the Ratcatcher.
DARKWING:
Oh, well. Comes the dawn and Darkwing Duck silently steals away to his secret refuge atop the city's threshold!
EXT. AUDUBON BAY BRIDGE - NIGHT
Est. Shot of the bridge. Darkwing on the Ratcatcher drives up one of the bridge cables to the tower.
INT. - DARKWING TOWER
Entering the tower interior, he stops the motorcycle and gets off.
DARKWING:
Yes! Another night cleansed of its criminal element, thanks to... DARKWIIIING DUCK!
He yawns and stretches.
DARKWING:
I can't wait to hit the hay. Ah, but first a bit of... breakfast.
He walks into a portion of the tower that is made up to look like an ordinary (albeit large) household kitchen. Darkwing pauses alongside the dining table, bare except for an egg timer.
DARKWING:
Even at moments of quiet and relaxation, Darkwing Duck is ever alert and ready! And just to make sure he stays that way...
He activates the egg timer, causing a drawer across the room to slide open, flinging a knife, fork and spoon, followed by a plate, towards him. Darkwing catches the knife with one hand, the fork and spoon in the other; the plate he deftly catches in his teeth. Moving quickly, he places the eating utensils on the tabletop as a cabinet pops open, pouring nondescript cereal into a bowl mounted atop what appears to be a machine gun.
Darkwing grabs a bowl off the counter and catches the bits of cereal as they are fired rapidly at him, and the gun finally stops when its sugary ammo runs out. A double-barreled shotgun pops out of another cabinet, firing two raw eggs. Darkwing brings up a frying pan he grabbed from a utensil rack overhead, letting the eggs smack into the pan and crack open.
DARKWING:
I like my henfruit over hard!
Part of the floor slides away, revealing a pit that shoots huge gouts of flame. Darkwing holds the pan over the flames, cooking the eggs... then screams in pain because he isn't wearing an oven mitt. Toast shoots out of a toaster, hitting him on the head.
As a grand finale, the fridge is catapulted into the air by a springboard beneath it, and Darkwing just barely gets out of the way in time, and the fridge slams into the floor. Nothing else happens. Darkwing stands there looking extremely flustered and embarrassed despite the fact there's no one around to see how royally he screwed up. He goes to the table, picking up the still-ticking egg timer and turns it off, checking his performance time.
DARKWING:
Ah, um, well, yes! Another record-breaking performance!
He looks at the empty plate.
DARKWING:
Everything a champion needs for a wholesome, nutritious breakfast except food. Aw, who am I kidding? I've really been slipping up lately. If I don't get a big break and fast, I'm gonna have to throw in the towel and consider a REAL job!
He violently shakes his head.
DARKWING:
No! Pish-posh, nonsense! So I make a mistake here and there. There's not a street punk in this entire city that's not afraid of Darkwing Duck!
He walks behind a divider, emerging on the opposite side wearing pajamas and a nightcap (not to mention still wearing his mask). He heads up a small flight of stairs to his bedroom, which consists merely of a bed and dresser. He flops onto the bed, exhausted.
DARKWING:
I just wish I could get a shot at a big-time criminal, a real, live, honest-to-goodness supervillain!
EXT. STREETS OF ST. CANARD - DAY
HAMMERHEAD HANNIGAN, a goat wearing a pinstriped suit, buys a copy of Action News from a vending machine. After taking a quick glance at the front page (during which we can see a teensy article way down in the corner about Darkwing's victory last night), he begins to walk down the street, unaware that he's being watched.
AGENT DEREK BLUNT of S.H.U.S.H., suave super-spy, sits in his parked Aston-Martin nearby, watching Hammerhead's every move. Hammerhead hails a taxi.
EXT. WATERFALL - DAY
Hammerhead continues on foot along the riverbank, which is littered with garbage. He proceeds towards a waterfall and slips behind it and out of sight.
Blunt appears from behind a tree opposite the falls and watches Hammerhead disappear inside.
INT. CAVE TUNNEL - DAY
Behind the waterfall is a sizable cavern, and inside Hammerhead walks along leisurely, occasionally glancing over his shoulder, He reaches the end of the relatively short tunnel and waits.
A camera pops out of the wall, examines Hammerhead for a moment, then retracts back into the wall. A moment later, a section of the wall slides away, revealing a door. Hammerhead goes through this. As soon as he closes it behind him, the trick wall slides back into place.
INT. SECRET LAIR - OFFICE
TAURUS BULBA, a massive bull wearing a red business suit and tie, stands alongside his desk, arms crossed and tapping his foot impatiently. Two thugs, HOOF (a donkey) and MOUTH (a ram), stand nearby; a couple of bowtie-wearing bully goons. Hoof glances nervously over his shoulder at TANTALUS, a large non-anthropomorphic condor, who perches nearby.
CLOVIS, Bulba's blonde cow secretary, is busying herself at a filing cabinet as Hammerhead struts into the room, the newspaper tucked under his arm.
BULBA:
You're late.
HAMMERHEAD:
Sorry, boss. There was traffic and I couldn't persuade the cabbie to drive any faster.
BULBA:
Very well. Is that the newspaper I sent you to get?
HAMMERHEAD:
Yup.
BULBA:
Then why am I not reading it?
Without waiting for an answer, he snatches the paper from Hammerhead's hands. He grins as he sees the article on the front page.
BULBA:
Ah, just as I anticipated. Listen to this. 'Construction crews have just completed building Canard Tower, St. Canard's newest skyscraper. At 300 stories, it is the tallest and most modern office building in the while city!'
Bulba laughs evilly, tossing the paper aside onto the desktop.
BULBA:
And it'll be the perfect spot to mount the Ram Rod for a superb firing position!
HAMMERHEAD:
Uh, yeah. Ya know boss; I was meanin' to ask ya...
BULBA:
Yes?
HAMMERHEAD:
Me and the boys, we were wonderin' if we couldn't wait till the train stops before we grab the Ram Rod...
BULBA:
Hammerhead, I'm about to commit the crime of the century, and all you can think about is being too afraid to catch a blasted train! How many times to I have to explain this to you before it penetrates your thick skull?
A klaxon alarm begins blaring and a red light affixed to the wall above the door begins flashing on and off.
BULBA:
Now what?
CLOVIS:
It's the perimeter alarm. He was followed.
BULBA:
Just what I need.
Going to his desk, Bulba presses a button, The desktop flips up and a small bank of TV monitors with complimentary control panel rises into view. The monitors come to life, all revealing alternate angles of the tunnel, although there is no sign of an intruder. Suddenly they hear the muffled sound of gunfire coming from behind the steel door that marks the entrance into the lair proper. Hammerhead, Hoof and Mouth, guns drawn, take up positions around it. Hammerhead looks at Bulba, who nods, and then he opens the door, some smoke pouring into the lair, but there's no sign of anyone. Suddenly, Blunt swings down from the ceiling, kicking Hammerhead and knocking him back into Hoof and Mouth. All three thugs crash to the floor, dazed.
Blunt then hops down and casually strolls past the bodies, walking towards Bulba and Clovis who are backing away towards Bulba's desk.
BLUNT
Only Taurus Bulba's finest could be so clumsy and stupid!
BULBA
(surprised)
Derek Blunt!
BLUNT
In the flesh.
He pulls a gun and points it at them. Well, well, well. Taurus Bulba. It's been a long time. Nice hideout you have here. A little bit on the dank side, however.
BLUNT
Now, start talking. What sort of mad scheme are you up to this time, you homicidal maniac?
Clovis steps between Blunt and her boss.
CLOVIS
If this is a business call, Mr. Blunt, then you'll need to make an appointment.
BLUNT
I'll remember that for next time.
CLOVIS
No, Mr. Blunt, I'm afraid there isn't going to BE a next time.
She suddenly takes off the gold necklace she's wearing, and it unfurls into a seven-foot whip. She slings it, wrapping it around the gun and yanking it from Blunt's grasp. He gasps, and then she slings the whip again, shredding his tuxedo. Bulba smirks, then calmly walks over and picks him up by the scruff as Hammerhead and the other two begin to recover nearby.
BULBA
Thank you, Clovis. Now, then, Mr. Blunt, I think it's time you met my lovelies.
He steps on a switch on the floor, causing a trapdoor to open, and without any more ado, drops the thoroughly flabbergasted S.H.U.S.H. agent down into the dark pit. He takes his foot off the pedal, and the trapdoor snaps shut.
INT. SECRET LAIR - PIT OF DOOM
Blunt lands in a large underground chamber, with solid concrete walls all around. Getting slowly to his feet, he suddenly hears snarling and snapping noises, followed by an alien chittering/squeaking, whirling around and reacting to something O.S. Whatever it is, it's enough to make the trained agent let loose of a scream of horror. Numerous shadows descend on the terrified Blunt.
BLUNT:
Aahhhhh!!!!
INT. SECRET LAIR - OFFICE
Back inside the lair, Bulba and his cronies observe Blunt's grisly demise (we hear it, but don't actually see it - can't go scaring the kiddies) on the monitors amidst much more snapping and snarling noises. Bulba gets a red marker and draws a big 'X' on Blunt's picture in big scrapbook titled 'PAINS IN THE BUTT' before setting it back down on his desk.
BULBA:
A blessing in disguise if I do say so myself. My poor pets haven't eaten in a good long while. Now then, where was I?
CLOVIS:
The crime of the century.
BULBA:
Oh, yes. Thank you, Clovis.
Bulba seizes Hammerhead by the throat, yanking him up to eye level.
BULBA:
Now you listen to me, you halfwit. This is the first time the Ram Rod has been moved since Professor Waddlemeyer's death. Once S.H.U.S.H. has it, my chances of getting it are exceptionally slim because they're going to dismantle it. You're going to do what I'm paying you to do; I will NOT let it slip through my hands again because you and your friends are too scared to catch a train!
HAMMERHEAD:
Ack! B-boss! Ugh! My windpipe!
Bulba drops him, and Hammerhead lands on the floor at his feet, coughing, gasping, and loosening his necktie and shirt collar.
BULBA:
And after THIS little incident, I would prefer to have the Ram Rod in my possession before the next S.H.U.S.H. agent comes calling. Do I make myself clear?
HAMMERHEAD:
Y-yeah, c-c-crystal clear, b-b-boss!
BULBA:
Good. Now, go. You know what to do. Do not come back without the Ram Rod!
Gulping nervously, Hammerhead stands, adjusting his tie and collar, then motions for Hoof and Mouth to follow and the three of them exit the office.
EXT. AUDUBON BAY BRIDGE - NIGHT
Darkwing sits on the ledge outside of one of the tower's many windows, scanning the nighttime metropolis with a pair of binoculars. He is, as usual, talking to himself out loud.
DARKWING:
As twilight shadows creep across the sky, the lone figure of Darkwing Duck scans the city for any evidence of wrongdoing! And there is none! I think I'm TOO dangerous and cunning for my own good, since it seems as though I've busted every crook and lowlife in this burg... unless they're all at some evildoers' convention.
Suddenly, Tantalus flies past, startling Darkwing, who lowers the binoculars and glances around himself anxiously.
DARKWING:
Did I detect a slight breeze? Perhaps I should alert the weather service.
Looking through the binoculars again, he finally spots Tantalus, who is clutching the handle of what appears to be a large steamer trunk in his talons.
DARKWING:
Ah, but that will have to wait. Here's something that might merit my attention. My eagle eyes detect an-- an eagle? Er, I mean a condor! Yes! A condor! Wait a second... A condor? At this time of the year? In St. Canard? Carrying luggage?
He notices that Tantalus is apparently also wearing something around his neck and lowers the spyglasses yet again, a perplexed look on his face.
DARKWING:
A rare bird like this flapping around St. Canard is a mystery worth investigating! And who better to get to the bottom of this feathery intrigue than... Darkwing Duck! Let's get dangerous! Hmm, I like the sound of that. I'll have to remember it for when somebody's actually around to hear it!
He dashes back inside. Moments later, he comes flying down the bridge cable on the Ratcatcher.
EXT. STREETS OF ST. CANARD - NIGHT
Soon Darkwing is zooming through the city streets, keeping a close watch on Tantalus flying above.
DARKWING:
Speeding through the empty streets of the sleeping metropolis, Darkwing Duck's steely gaze remaining fixed on his prey, all the while taking in everything around him, missing-- Nothing????!!!!
He suddenly he finds himself speeding towards a head-on collision with a large truck. Both vehicles swerve to miss one another, the truck almost tipping over. Angrily, the truck driver leans out of the cab to yell at Darkwing, shaking his fist.
TRUCK DRIVER:
Hey, look out you moron! What do think own the night or somethin'?!!
DARKWING:
Phew! A narrow escape for the duck with the cape!
Darkwing continues on his way as he follows Tantalus past the city and into the countryside, towards the mountains.
DARKWING:
The night does not end at the city's edge, and Darkwing Duck knows no boundaries in his quest to expunge evil!
EXT. TRAIN TRACKS - NIGHT
Hammerhead, Hoof and Mouth stand on a bridge that spans the railroad tracks, leaning over the edge and waiting. Hoof and Mouth look extremely nervous. Hammerhead is wearing what appear to be a pair of wireless headphones with a little microphone attached.
HAMMERHEAD:
Okay guys, just remember where we parked the van. Now, ya know the plan right? I mean, all my detailed explanations ain't gonna be in vain are they?
HOOF:
Don't worry Hammerhead.
MOUTH:
Yeah, we know what to do, do. I ain't scared, scared!
A train whistle sounds nearby, and the train itself appears from around a behind and begins to speed towards the overpass.
HAMMERHEAD:
Good, 'cause you're up!
MOUTH:
Me, me?! Couldn't we have just bought a ticket, ticket?!!
As the train passes beneath the bridge, Hammerhead grabs Mouth and dangles him over the edge, finally releasing him.
EXT. ABOARD THE TRAIN - NIGHT
He lands safely with a thump on the roof of the train car. Hammerhead and Hoof jump down after him a couple of seconds later. Working quickly, the three thugs scurry across the roofs of the train cars, making their way to the next-to-last car.
Several armed brutes in S.H.U.S.H. security personnel uniforms stand inside the caboose, looking extremely bored.
GUARD 1:
Boy, what dull duty!
GUARD 2:
Easy for you to say. Trains always make me seasick.
Suddenly, the door pops open and Hammerhead tosses in a gas bomb, then closes the door again.
GUARD 1:
Huh?
GUARD 2:
Gas attack! Break out your masks!
But it's too late. The gas is quick, rendering all of the guards unconscious before they have a chance to put on their gas masks. Watching through the porthole in the door, Hammerhead smiles, then turns to Hoof and Mouth.
HAMMERHEAD:
Okay now, you two sit tight 'n' keep a lookout!
Hammerhead finds the door to the adjoining car held tightly shut by a massive deadbolt. Smirking, unimpressed, he rears back and slams his head into it, breaking the door open inward with effortless ease. Peering inside, he sees a massive shape covered with a white sheet.
HAMMERHEAD:
Wow, the boss sure likes his toys big. This peashooter better be worth all this trouble. Now then, where's that stupid bird at?
He climbs to the roof of the car, and begins scanning the skies. Suddenly, the steamer trunk drops seemingly from nowhere, landing behind Hammerhead and scaring him so badly he almost topples off the train!
HAMMERHEAD:
You lousy pigeon!
BULBA:
(Through the headphones)
Hammerhead! Quit playing around! Is the Ram Rod still in one piece?
Hammerhead looks up and we see that what Tantalus is wearing around his neck is actually a camera. Rather than tire his wings out trying to keep pace with the train, the condor alights on the roof of the caboose, facing Hammerhead.
HAMMERHEAD:
Don't worry, boss! She ain't got a scratch on her!
BULBA:
(Through the headphones)
Splendid. Then proceed with phase two!
Hammerhead fiddles with the trunk for a minute, moving it into place. He produces a little remote control device and presses a button. It transforms, little 'legs' gripping the roof of the boxcar and sprouting a pair of wings and jet thrusters.
Meanwhile, Darkwing has caught up to the train and is coming up behind it. Driving on the tracks has resulted in a very bumpy ride.
DARKWING:
(Very shakily)
I-I-I've been w-w-wanting to d-d-do this ever since I s-s-saw The P-P-Perils of P-P-Poulette!
He climbs aboard the train, still shaking. The Ratcatcher, as before, drives off on its own. Just when we begin to think the motorcycle has a mind of its own or something similarly ludicrous, we see that Darkwing has pre-programmed it via a small remote control that he swiftly returns to his pocket.
DARKWING:
Whew, I gotta see about getting some new shock absorbers. Either that or quit driving on the railroad tracks. Now then, let's see what there is to see!
Darkwing approaches the rear door of the caboose and peers inside. There is a slight greenish haze from the gas, and he immediately takes notice of all the unconscious S.H.U.S.H. guards laying about on the floor of the caboose's interior.
DARKWING:
Hmm, these guys look like S.H.U.S.H. elite. Not only that, but they've all been exposed to powerful knockout gas. At least, I HOPE it just knocked them out. Something tells me that something sinister has stolen aboard this particular train.
His gaze shifts from the S.H.U.S.H. guards, and through the window of the opposite door he spots Hoof and Mouth. Darkwing's concern for the unconscious guards quickly turns to barely contained excitement.
DARKWING:
It's Hoof and Mouth! Whoa, this just keeps getting better and better!! This is it! Finally, my shot at big-time crime busting!
Hoof and Mouth are both armed with assault rifles, which they are twirling around fancily, showing off in a very macho fashion. A sudden cloud of purple smoke interrupts their fun and Darkwing's disembodied voice.
DARKWING:
I am the terror that flaps in the night!
Startled, Mouth accidentally lets go of his rifle in mid-twirl, smacking Hoof in the face with it.
HOOF:
Ow!
MOUTH:
What's that, what's that?
The smoke clears and Darkwing suddenly appears before the two thugs, cape fluttering majestically.
DARKWING:
I am the switch that derails your train! I am--
He's cut off as his entrance has the desired effect upon the villains... and then some. Hoof and Mouth bring their guns up and open fire on Darkwing. When the smoke from their fire vanishes, Darkwing is nowhere to be seen.
Up on the roof of the adjoining boxcar, Hammerhead hears the gunfire and runs over, looking down at Hoof and Mouth.
HAMMERHEAD:
What in the heck is goin' on down there?!
MOUTH:
(ignoring Hammerhead)
Did we get 'im, did we get 'im?
Darkwing appears behind them and bashes them both over the head simultaneously with his fists, causing them to drop their guns and go cross-eyed, quickly collapsing to the floor in dazed heaps. Darkwing hops atop their backs, posing dramatically.
DARKWING:
Sorry to disappoint you, gentlemen. I'm fine. But you two are taking a turn for the worse!
HAMMERHEAD:
Eat lead, duck!
Bullets ricochet off the guardrails right next to Darkwing, as Hammerhead fires on him with a pistol from above. With a yelp, Darkwing hops off of Hoof and Mouth and, in his eagerness to escape, runs to the door of the caboose and opens it, rushing inside and slamming the door shut after him. He finds himself standing amongst all the comatose S.H.U.S.H. guards and suddenly begins to sweat.
DARKWING:
Oh, right. The gas.
Hammerhead climbs down from the roof of the boxcar as Hoof and Mouth groggily get to their feet. He grins and sticks his pistol back into his concealed weapons holster, adjusting his suit.
HAMMERHEAD:
So much for that duck, huh boys? But just to be extra sure...
Reaching down, he pulls out the chain that links the two train cars. The bulk of the train begins to speed away, leaving the detached caboose behind. Darkwing then emerges from inside the caboose, eyes bulging and cheeks puffed, obviously holding his breath. He exhales, then inhales deeply, coughing.
DARKWING:
Ah, luckily, I wasn't the champion of the high school swimming team for nothing!
HAMMERHEAD:
(Calling over)
So long, duck! You're way outta your league! Better run along to your costume party!
HOOF:
You really got a flair for repartee, Hammerhead!
DARKWING:
Darkwing Duck will not be mocked! Little do the fleeing fiends suspect that the shadowy specter of suspense was ready to grapple with any situation!
Darkwing takes out his gas gun and fires a grappling cable, which hooks onto the back of the retreating boxcar. Unaware of this, the thugs detach the car from the rest of the train as well, and Hammerhead presses another button on his remote control. The jet thrusters on the device attached to the roof activate and the boxcar is soon airborne, pulling a screaming Darkwing behind it.
Still hanging around in the general vicinity, Tantalus takes note of this undesired development and swoops down, using his beak to bite Darkwing's grappling line. With the line connecting him to the flying boxcar severed, Darkwing promptly plummets to earth.
EXT. AIRFIELD - NIGHT
Luckily for Darkwing, he isn't that high up when the line is severed. The roof of a ramshackle airplane hangar breaks his fall, and as this occurs we get an establishing shot of the less-than upkept airfield, whose sign says 'LAUNCHPAD MCQUACK'S CHARTER SERVICE.' A small house is nearby, obviously the owner's, and a light in one of the windows flicks on in response to the noise of Darkwing's landing.
INT. AIRPLANE HANGAR
Inside the hangar, we see that Darkwing has crashed through the roof and landed atop an old biplane, which further broke his fall and likely saved his life. Wearily, he gets to his feet, sans fedora, and climbs down from atop the plane. Or at least, he tries to. Instead, the force of the fall has left him rather dizzy and so instead, he just kind of falls off the plane and lands face-first on the floor.
After a moment or two, he gets up, shaking his head. He looks around himself at all the airplanes, many of them only half-built (or perhaps half torn apart would be a more apt description, as it looks like the owner is dismantling them).
DARKWING:
Ugh, man that hurt. Ah, but bruised and battered, Darkwing Duck is never defeated! Clever of me to use the roof... and the airplane... and the floor to break my fall. Luckily, my superb conditioning enables me to snap right back from the experience! At least, as soon as the pain wears off.
LAUNCHPAD (O.S.):
Hold it right there!
Darkwing reacts as a flashlight is shined into his eyes. Glancing over and squinting, he sees a tall, red-haired duck in an aviator's cap. None other than LAUNCHPAD MCQUACK. Much to Darkwing's dismay, Launchpad is also armed with a baseball bat. He takes a swing at Darkwing, who ducks.
LAUNCHPAD:
Nobody messes with the airplanes in my hangar, or my name isn't Launchpad McQuack!
DARKWING:
Wait! Stop! You don't understand! I'm not a burglar! I'm--
Launchpad turns the overhead lights on, and his expression of rage at someone breaking into his hangar suddenly turns into an almost childlike delight.
LAUNCHPAD:
Darkwing Duck!
DARKWING:
Yes! Wait a second, y-- you know who I am?
LAUNCHPAD:
Know you? Well I should think so! I-- I'm your biggest fan!
DARKWING:
(Genuinely surprised)
A fan?! Really????!!!!
He coughs, clearing his throat and begins talking in a much deeper voice.
DARKWING:
I mean, uh, of course! I have lots of fans!
Darkwing looks around for his fedora, and spots it laying on the ground a couple of feet away. He gets it, dusts it off, and returns it to his head.
LAUNCHPAD:
Wow, this is amazing! Sorry about tryin' to whack you and everything, but I really did think you were a burglar. So, uh, what are you doin' here? In my hangar? At 3:00 in the morning?
DARKWING:
Just another stopover in my never-ending battle against the forces of evil, my friend. Speaking of which, I really should be getting back on their trail. Hey, wait! You're a pilot! We can use one of these planes to catch those crooks!
LAUNCHPAD:
Oh man, I got somethin' a lot better than these old planes.
But Darkwing is already clambering into the passenger's seat of the most intact biplane.
DARKWING:
No time! We have evildoers to thwart!
LAUNCHPAD:
Yeah, I know, but in the next hangar over I got--
DARKWING:
No, fan! Look, I'll give you my autograph if you just get in 'n' fly the plane.
Launchpad is in the cockpit in a flash.
LAUNCHPAD:
I'm here for ya, DW! Uh, do you mind if I call you DW?
DARKWING:
Actually--
Before he can finish, Launchpad takes off-- Backwards!
EXT. AIRFIELD - NIGHT
The biplane exits the hangar, crashing through the 'LAUNCHPAD MCQUACK'S CHARTER SERVICE' sign, and zooms off into the night sky, facing in completely the wrong direction.
DARKWING:
Now, I don't claim to be an expert at flying planes, Mr. McQuack, but wouldn't it be a lot easier if the plane were facing the other way?
LAUNCHPAD:
Oh! Yeah, good point there, DW. I, uh, sometimes have trouble with that.
He quickly turns the biplane around in midair and they resume flying.
LAUNCHPAD:
Better?
DARKWING:
Yes, actually. Lots. All right, they were headed east last time I saw them, towards the city, so be on the lookout for a flying boxcar and an overgrown killer canary!
LAUNCHPAD:
Y'know, most people don't realize that they're actually safer in the air than in their own homes, especially in St. Canard. Statistically, anyway. Yeesh, what a cesspool of crime this city is.
DARKWING:
If you hate it so much, why do you live here?
LAUNCHPAD:
Well, I used to work for Scrooge McDuck over in Duckburg, but after I'd saved enough money I quit 'n' moved here to start my own aerial chartering service. But, uh, it never really took off, no pun intended. Anyway, what a great opportunity this is! I could be your sidekick! Y'know, I have a whole scrapbook of your newspaper clippings!
DARKWING:
Is that so?
LAUNCHPAD:
Yeah! 'Course, it's not a very big scrapbook...
They fly on and soon catch up to the flying boxcar, now over the residential district with Tantalus flapping along behind it.
DARKWING:
All right, there they are. They're right under us. Can you take us lower?
LAUNCHPAD:
No problem, DW!
DARKWING:
And stop calling me-- Gyah!
Once more, Darkwing is cut off as Launchpad dives down, almost hitting Tantalus and startling Taurus Bulba, who is still observing things via the camera attached to the condor's collar. Launchpad then brings the biplane to a bone-shattering, stomach-churning halt above the boxcar. Darkwing looks extremely queasy, unsurprisingly.
DARKWING:
Ugh. Thanks a lot, Launchpad...
LAUNCHPAD:
Heh-heh-hey! I aim to please!
DARKWING:
Okay, so now that we're here, the only problem is figuring out how to bring this baby down. And where did that stupid bird go? This cat and mouse game is starting to get really monotonous.
Suddenly he is seized and yanked from his seat in the plane by Tantalus' talons, much to Launchpad's horror. The condor flies him several feet higher into the sky and then releases him. Darkwing drops like a stone.
DARKWING:
No! Wait! You don't understand! I LIKE MONTONY!!!!
And yet, as Darkwing plummets, Launchpad manages to swoop down so that his idol can grab ahold of the biplane's landing gear. Seeing this, Tantalus screeches with fury and begins to pursue the plane. Ordinarily, a condor wouldn't really be able to keep pace with an airplane, but unfortunately Launchpad's biplane is in less-than great shape, and unhealthy clunking noises begin to emit from it. Launchpad chews his lower lip (lower bill?) in dawning uneasiness. Suddenly the engine begins to sputter and emit smoke, and as a result the plane's speed decreases.
LAUNCHPAD:
Uh-oh...
DARKWING:
What do you mean, 'Uh-oh?'
LAUNCHPAD:
Mechanical problems, DW.
Launchpad turns and sees that Tantalus is swiftly gaining on the increasingly slower and slower biplane.
LAUNCHPAD:
Looks like birdie's comin' back for seconds. Don't worry, I'll shake 'im DW!
DARKWING:
That's-- Whoa!!!!
Launchpad suddenly dives down, and Tantalus quickly follows suit. Doing his best to evade Tantalus, Launchpad flies low through the trees, but unfortunately he fails to avoid nearly all the branches, which tear up the old plane something fierce. Launchpad subsequently loses control of the plane, which then flies straight through some unlucky sod's house, smashing through one side and then flying out the other, the biplane draped in someone's bedsheets.
Finally, the plane just spirals completely out of control and crashes loudly O.S. Satisfied, Tantalus turns and flies off in the direction the flying boxcar had been going. Cutting back to the plane, we see that it has lost both wings, the propeller, and the landing gear, but the fuselage remains mostly intact, luckily for Launchpad, who manages to extract himself from the wreck with just a few bumps and bruises.
Darkwing's crumpled fedora lays in the grass nearby, but Darkwing himself is nowhere to be found. Frantic, Launchpad begins searching for him.
LAUNCHPAD:
DW? DW! Wh-Where are ya? DW!
DARKWING (O.S.):
Th-That's D-Darkwing... D-Duck... ack.
Darkwing emerges from some bushes nearby, cape and suit torn, the latter missing all but one button, but like Launchpad he isn't seriously injured. Shaking away the dizziness, he limps over to Launchpad.
LAUNCHPAD:
Oh, there you are. Heh. I was, uh, afraid I'd squished ya...
DARKWING:
Ha! Darkwing Duck can't be killed that easily; I just let go of the landing gear before the plane hit the ground.
LAUNCHPAD:
Oh, uh, I found this for ya...
He holds up the fedora. Darkwing rudely snatches it from his grasp. Putting the now-drooping hat back on his head, he turns and looks in the direction Tantalus flew off in.
DARKWING:
They got away...
LAUNCHPAD:
Can't argue that point, DW. So, uh, what do we do next?
DARKWING:
'We?'
Angrily, Darkwing whirls to face Launchpad, who flinches.
DARKWING:
WE do nothing! I rely on me, nobody but me! The Masked Mallard works alone! Got that, flyboy?
LAUNCHPAD:
Well yeah, but--
DARKWING:
Thanks for your help, what little good it did me, but I just don't want a sidekick. I don't need one. Singing cowboys have sidekicks, not superheroes.
Darkwing takes out the little remote control we saw earlier, pressing the 'CALL' button on it. Launchpad suddenly tackles Darkwing's leg, hugging it tightly.
LAUNCHPAD:
Let me be your sidekick!
DARKWING:
Ack! Get off me!
LAUNCHPAD:
Oh please, please, please, please, pleeeeease!
DARKWING:
Let me make this very clear for you, Mr. McQuack; I never want to see you again. Ever.
The Ratcatcher drives up. Darkwing, after some fighting, manages to wrench his leg free from the vice-like grip of his fan. Stalking over to the motorcycle, he hops on it. He pauses, then sighs and reaches into his pocket, fishing around. He produces a scrap of paper.
DARKWING:
Before I forget, I did promise you an autograph, and Darkwing Duck's word is as good as gold. Unfortunately, I don't seem to have a pen or pencil on me. How 'bout you?
Launchpad pats himself down, then shrugs and shakes his head.
LAUNCHPAD:
Uh, no...
DARKWING:
Oh, well. Sorry. Maybe next time.
Darkwing revs the engine and speeds off, leaving a dejected-looking Launchpad standing there. Walking over to the crashed biplane, he kicks it angrily, then sighs and folds his arms across the edge of the passenger's cockpit, resting his chin in his arms. Suddenly he notices something laying on the floor by the seat... Darkwing's gas gun, which had fallen in there after crashing through the hangar roof with its owner. Launchpad picks it up and examines it, then realization dawns on him.
LAUNCHPAD:
Uh-oh. Hey, DW, you forgot your... um, whatever this is!
But Darkwing is already vanished into the night again.
INT. SECRET LAIR - STOREROOM
Taurus Bulba enters with Tantalus perched on his shoulder, followed by Hammerhead, Hoof and Mouth. Bulba is reading the copy of Action News Hammerhead bought earlier, although now he's focusing on the tiny article about Darkwing.
BULBA:
You're sure, Hammerhead? You're sure this is the one from the train?
HAMMERHEAD:
Yeah, that's the guy.
The room is separate from the rest of the lair, large enough to contain the boxcar, which sits off to one side (how they got it in here will be apparent later). The thing that was inside the boxcar, still covered by the sheet, sits in the middle of the room.
Bulba takes out a baggie containing a big hunk of meat, which he then feeds to Tantalus. The condor hungrily snaps the meat up, then flies up and perches in the rafters. Hammerhead watches him warily.
HAMMERHEAD:
Ew, that buzzard gives me the willies.
BULBA:
If it wasn't for Tantalus, that costumed buffoon would've caught you idiots for sure. However...
Turning, Bulba walks over to the sheet-covered form.
BULBA:
I must say that I am pleasantly surprised by how well you and your friends performed tonight. The Waddlemeyer Ram Rod is mine, and even if that duck survived the crash, such petty annoyances will disappear once I unleash its power upon the city!
He pulls the sheet off, revealing the Waddlemeyer Ram Rod in all its glory, an enormous, futuristic-looking cannon of some sort that looks like it could blow a hole in the moon. Hoof and Mouth 'Ooo' and 'Ahhh' at it.
MOUTH:
Jeepers, boss, it's big!
HAMMERHEAD:
No kiddin'. So, uh, why don't we fire it up 'n' hit a few banks?
Without answering, Bulba approaches the control console, examining the buttons. There's typical numeric and alphabetical keys, as well as a whole panel of unmarked, color-coded keys. Bulba presses the activation switch, and the screen it front of him comes to life, flashing the message, 'PLEASE ENTER ACCESS CODE.' He pounds his fist on the panel in frustration.
BULBA:
I was afraid of this. That treacherous meddler Waddlemeyer managed to program a new security system into the weapon controls. It's useless without the access code!
MOUTH:
Gee, boss. I guess you shouldn't have killed the old geezer before learnin' the code, huh?
Bulba snarls, steam jetting from his nostrils. Glaring, Hammerhead turns and pounds Mouth over the head with his fist. Suddenly he is seized by the front of his suit by Bulba, who yanks him once more up to eye-level.
BULBA:
The old fool was asking for it! Now then, there's still hope yet. Go to the St. Canard Orphanage and bring his granddaughter to me. She was practically raised in Waddlemeyer's lab. If anyone knows the code, she does. And even if she doesn't, she can tells us where her grandfather's notes are.
HAMMERHEAD:
Sure thing, boss.
Bulba drops Hammerhead on his butt. He then reaches into his pocket, removing his wallet. From it he takes a photograph showing an elderly duck, Professor Waddlemeyer, holding a little redheaded girl with pigtails.
BULBA:
Use that to identify her. Make up some story that you're an old family friend. Make like you're interested in adopting her.
HAMMERHEAD:
I dunno boss, I'm not good with kids...
BULBA:
DO IT!!!!
HAMMERHEAD:
Gyah! Sure thing, boss!
Scrambling to his feet, Hammerhead rushes out of the room with Hoof and Mouth at his heels.
INT. S.H.U.S.H. CENTRAL - J. GANDER'S OFFICE - DAY
J. GANDER HOOTER, a goose of small stature with thinning gray hair and tiny eyeglasses perched on his beak, sits behind a massive desk. Before him are spread several reports, which he is going over.
Nearby stands VLADIMIR GOUDENOV GRYZLIKOFF, a large bear with his arms folded, scowling. He is flanked by AGENT QUARTZ (a doe) and AGENT GRAVEL (a donkey).
J. GANDER:
Anything new on the guards from the train?
GRAVEL:
No, sir.
QUARTZ:
They're still recovering from the effects of the sleeping gas, but so far none of them seem to remember who threw the capsule into the train car with them.
GRYZLIKOFF:
If they saw them at all.
J. Gander frowns deeply. He gets up from his desk and begins to pace his office. Although he is extremely tiny, the old goose nonetheless carries an air of great authority.
J. GANDER:
Well, there can be no doubt in my mind that the disappearance of Blunt and the attack on the train are connected. And since Blunt went missing while tailing Hammerhead Hannigan, we can be certain that Taurus Bulba is involved. He's the only one who could've possibly known that the Ram Rod even exists and have the means of stealing it.
GRYZLIKOFF:
Not that it matters. Professor Waddlemeyer assured us that he'd programmed Ram Rod to only work if you have special code.
J. GANDER:
Regardless, it's a dangerous weapon I'd prefer we have in our hands, whether we know how to turn it on or not.
In the middle of his pacing, he pauses, stroking his chin, deep in thought.
J. GANDER:
Gryzlikoff? I want someone to take a run out to the orphanage and pick up the girl.
GRAVEL:
Gosalyn Waddlemeyer?
QUARTZ:
Professor Waddlemeyer's granddaughter?
GRYZLIKOFF:
But sir, what could girl possibly have to do with--
Gryzlikoff's eyes widen in horror.
GRYZLIKOFF:
No. No, you don't think--
J. GANDER:
I do, Gryzlikoff, I do. Bulba has been obsessed with obtaining the Ram Rod ever since he paid Waddlemeyer to build the infernal thing, and he'll stop at nothing.
He removes his glasses and rubs the bridge of his beak for a moment before putting them back on.
J. GANDER:
I believe he may delude himself into believing that poor girl knows the code. I want her in protective custody as soon as possible. Send Granite and Shale.
GRYZLIKOFF:
Yes, sir.
Gryzlikoff turns and exits, followed by Quartz and Gravel.
J. Gander watches them go, then sighs deeply and returns to his desk. Opening a drawer, he removes a framed photograph of Professor Waddlemeyer with the little redheaded girl; identical to the one Bulba gave to Hammerhead.
J. GANDER:
Waddlemeyer, old friend, I was hoping this day would never come. I don't know what I would do if that poor girl ends up paying for your mistakes.