Oh, Hoodenee

(Joe's POV)

It didn't take long for the world to feel like it was coming to an end. Not at this exact moment in time. Do you know how hard it is to be living in a room full of emptiness? Probably not, I mean not like I feel. I would rather be living in my brother's room again JUST to shake this feeling of loneliness. I think he understood, my brother, why I needed my own space, but he also knew why I needed to be constantly around him. Kevin, he understood why I always felt so…ugh. So unusual. You probably still don't know what I'm talking about do you. Of course not. Well, I'll give you the 411 to update you in the drastic tail of my life, within the last few months or so anyway.

Here I am…age 19, my younger brother is 16, and probably still the cutest kid on the face of every magazine in the world. My older brother Kevin and I used to share a room. He found out about my odd feelings and emotional breakdowns about three or so odd months ago. I couldn't get away from anyone long enough to relax, and take a breath of air without the crowding.

Unfortunately, living in a house with three brothers and a set of parents, doesn't work to well on space. My bubble was constantly being invaded, and left me with seriously, NO room to vent, whatsoever. I remember when Kevin walked into our bathroom, my head hanging between my knees as I created a puddle on the floor from crying my pathetic eyes out. How I ended up in this position? Well, I was yelled at by Miley over the phone, saying I was a horrible brother forever thinking Nick was being selfish in my wanting to practice guitar. I only wanted to try and learn the guitar, I feel useless besides my voice and the stupid keyboard. But Kevin told me otherwise, he reminded me all I've done for the band and this family. Especially all I have done for Nick…but it still hurt.

I've had a thing for my brother, Nick since last summer.

Not the normal thing, and it's completely wrong. But I can't help if I feel for him…well, I can try not to, like I have been, but truthfully…don't help.

Now, Nick and me do stuff for the band, but other than family dinners we have spent no time together by ourselves. I mean why would he; he had his best friend and girlfriend right next door. I sighed as I walked into the kitchen. This day has been uneventful and Kevin left to take Frankie to a basketball game. So I decided to stay home, alone, and watch a movie with a glass of orange juice. Halfway through the movie Nick came home with something in his hand, his face was flushed and he even slammed the door.

"Don't look at me." He snapped as he headed for the stairs. I blinked and looked away from him, staring at the television screen in front of me. There it was again, the overwhelming feeling to cry. Nick was causing that feeling to stir inside of me more often now, and I hated it. As I stood up from the couch I shut off the movie and left into the backyard, where I sat in mom's garden. Hidden behind the group of trees, I cuddled up with my knees and tilted my head onto the tops. There, I cried.

I don't remember how long I sat out here but I remember hearing the backdoor open and then close. Perhaps someone was taking the trash out.

"Joe?"

Or not.

"Joe…are you out here?"

"I'm over here Kevin…" I sighed, wiping my eyes, though the puffiness to them would show whether or not the tears were gone. As my brother followed where my voice was coming from, I managed to force my head up from my knees and lean it back against the tree.

"Hey…buddy what's up?" He sat down across from me, looking at me intently as if I was going to show him the world's largest secret or a magic trick; you take a pick.

I sighed.

"Joe, come on, talk to me please…"

Again, I sighed heavily and closed my eyes. "Its just…Nick."

"Oh…"

"I feel like I did something wrong…again."

"This wasn't your fault either Joey."

"What wasn't?"

"Nick and Miley's break-up." Kevin pointed out; obviously I wasn't informed of this beforehand.

"What!" Kevin's eyes went wide and he then realized I didn't know. "Nick and Miley br…oh dammit."

"What do you mean oh dammit?"

"Nick's going to be miserable!" I began to feel like shit all over again. "I don't want him to be alone!"

"Joe…did you get into the medicine cabinet again?" Kevin asked jokingly. "Honestly man, what is up with you? I thought you wanted to be with Nick?"

"Oh…god." I groaned. "Kevin, he's our brother, that's just fucking disgusting."

"And yet you still feel the same way." I just nodded.

"Of course I feel the same way…I can't stop feeling for him, Kev, it doesn't work that way. Even though I've been trying so hard to just shut him out at all costs, it's only caused me to think of him even MORE." I continued when he nodded. "I always feel like I'm to blame for his unhappiness when he's unhappy and when he is happy I feel like I can survive as long as I have YOU to keep it that way…and Frankie."

"Joe, we are not going through the suicide thing again are we?" Kevin stiffened. "I can't let you go on a rampage and kill yourself over something like this…it's not right."

"What isn't right? Liking my brother, or the suicide talk…"

"The suicide talk."

"But liking my brother is just as bad!"

"If GOD didn't want us to ever think or feel this way then why do we love who we love?" Kevin stated truthfully. "I mean don't you think GOD would have punished everyone, for loving the wrong person?"

I said nothing. He had a point.

"Joe, it's actually written in old stone and set in museums!" He piped up, he knew a lot more on this than myself. "Homosexuality was not looked down upon, I mean it wasn't unheard of that someone may have gotten angry or upset and killed someone who was gay, but that does not mean it was a sin…and Adam and Eve…first two beings on the planet."

"Okay…" I furrowed my brow, waiting for him to continue the bible lesson…

"So they had to leave paradise they had to create life, and when their children grew their children had to make children, and so forth and then it just grew and grew and grew!" Kevin was beginning to sound like dad when he was preaching. "Joe families had to be with other families just to create life, that's incest!"

"Men and women!" I corrected. "Incest yes, but they were men and woman, not a man and a man. Not GAY insect!"

"You are SO not getting my point." Kevin rolled his eyes and stood up, offering me a hand. "Let's just go back inside, it's fend for ourselves tonight, so we can eat what we want, mom and dad aren't coming home till late, so we have to make sure Frank the Tank gets to bed on time."

I nodded for the umpteenth time and took his hand, standing.

"Thanks for attempting to cheer me up Kevin." I gave a smile, that didn't stick.

"Hey, I'm your older brother, it's my job." He gave me a smile and patted my back as we walked back inside.