POST EQUINOX
Jab, jab, cross. Jab, cross, hook, hook. Jab, uppercut, hook, hook. Each hit to the punching bag was a memory of the events that played over and over again in his mind. "I'm going to hunt him down no matter how long it takes, no matter what the cost. If you want to call that a vendetta, go right ahead." He had known she was stubborn. He knew that she was angry. He even understood being angry; he had spent half his life being angry at people who had betrayed what he held most dear. He probably understood the feeling better than she did... which was precisely why he could see what was going on and she couldn't.
Jab, cross, jab. He had felt a cold fear in the pit of his stomach as they stood outside the cargo bay listening to her voice, as hard as steel. "He'll break." He had pleaded with her, begged her, but she wouldn't see reason. He had to do what he knew was right, whether or not it opposed her orders. He would never forgive himself if he didn't, and somewhere within him, he knew that she would never have forgiven herself either. Yet he could not help but remember her cold refusal to look at him as she walked away, stepping between him and Lessing.
Jab, jab, cross, hook. "We've had our disagreements, Chakotay, but you've never openly opposed me." Jab, cross, hook, uppercut. "You almost killed that man today." Jab, jab, cross. "It was a calculated risk, and I took it." "It was a bad call." Jab, cross, hook, uppercut. "I'll note your objection in my log." Jab, jab, cross.
"I don't give a damn about your log. This isn't about rules and regulations. It's about right and wrong, and I'm warning you: I won't let you cross that line again." Jab. "Then you leave me no choice. You're hereby relieved of duty until further notice." Jab, cross, hook, hook, uppercut. "What's happened to you, Kathryn?"
Chakotay gave the bag another long series of punches, and heard the buzzer, indicating that his round, and his time on the holodeck, was up. He had come down here to blow off some steam after Kathryn had relieved him from duty. There wasn't anything useful he could do, and he knew if he sat in his quarters, he would just continue to seethe over the events of the past few days.
Not that he wasn't seething anyway. Chakotay removed his sweaty boxing gloves and unwrapped his hands, calling for an exit to the holodeck. As he walked through the corridors, he noticed other crew members looking at him with sidelong glances of curiosity as they simultaneously tried to avoid him at all costs. That was just as well. He didn't feel much like talking to anyone.
When Chakotay reached his quarters, he showered and changed into some comfortable clothes. There was no reason to put on a uniform since he was relieved of duty. The thought made Chakotay so angry he could barely contain himself. Relieved of duty? Because he had tried to save a man's life? Because he had tried, once again, to prevent Kathryn from doing something stupid? Because he was the only person willing to speak up? Because he was the only one willing to say that what she was doing was wrong? Because that's what it was.
He had known Kathryn for a long time, and he known her to be many things, but immoral was rarely, if ever one of them. She did sometimes get caught up in things, though, and was unable to see the forest for the trees, so to speak. He thought back to the time that they had been traveling through the Void. The Captain had isolated herself from the crew, wallowing in depression and self pity at the worst possible time. He knew that she hadn't intended to do anything that was detrimental to her ship and crew, but she had. She just hadn't been able to see it, because she'd been too involved in her own guilt. This situation was similar in many ways. She was so consumed by her anger with Ransom, by her need to defend Starfleet principles, that that was all she could see. When she got this way, she wouldn't listen to anyone. Not even him.
Chakotay sighed. For the moment, there was nothing he could do. She would have to figure this one out on her own. He tried to still his thoughts of Ransom and the Equinox crew, and tried to put Kathryn out of his mind. He replicated some tea and went over to his bookshelf, searching for something to keep him occupied for the rest of the evening. His eyes lit upon the perfect title, and he removed it from the shelf, settling down in a chair to read. Chakotay had chosen Moby Dick.
...
What had she been thinking? Kathryn Janeway held a PADD in her hand as she sat at the desk in her ready room, but she was not looking at it or reading its contents. Finally, she put it down on the desk. She checked the chronometer. She had some time before her formal meeting with the newest members of her crew... the former crew of the Equinox... the few who had survived.
She walked over to the replicator. "Coffee, black." The cup materialized and she took it, but even the taste of her favorite liquid didn't calm her as it normally would. She sat on the sofa, looking out at the stars. They were still, at the moment. Voyager had been damaged and it would be a few hours, if not a few days, before they were on their way again.
Voyager had been damaged. The crew had been put in danger. Seven of Nine had almost had her brain dissected by the Doctor's altered program. Had it been worth it? She wasn't sure. What if she had followed Chakotay's advice from the beginning and not pursued Ransom so vehemently? What if she had put her crew's safety first? She took another sip of coffee.
That was what a captain did, wasn't it? Put the crew's safety first? But was that what she had always done? When she looked at her command decisions, she'd have to answer, no. What about her decision to leave them stranded in the Delta Quadrant? Had she been putting her crew first then? It had been about the principles... and pursuing Ransom had been about the principles, too.
But as soon as she thought that, she knew it wasn't true. Pursuing Ransom had been about her anger. Yes, it was true that he had intended to harm an innocent species, and that she would do anything to stop that. But she could have easily contacted the Ankari first, and gone after Ransom later. She could have listened to Chakotay.
The thought of her first officer stung her more than she anticipated. She had relieved him of duty because he had been trying to tell her the truth. That was something she had never done before, and something she hoped she would have the wisdom never to do again. One of the greatest things about her relationship with Chakotay was that he never hesitated to challenge her, to point out to her when she was wrong, to offer her a different perspective. More often than not, his perspective was one that was worth exploring. He balanced out her rigidity. He had the same deep dedication to principles as she did, but sometimes, he saw the bigger picture, while she was stuck in her own, narrow viewpoint. She knew now that relieving him of duty had been a mistake, and she hoped that the trust they had shared over the years had not, now, been damaged beyond repair. She had informed him, via comm link, of his reinstatement and asked him to join her in her meeting with the Equinox crew. He had been cordial, but she knew that her actions over the last few days must have hurt him, and she regretted that.
She glanced down at her chronometer, and set her half-finished cup of coffee down on the table. It was time to address the Equinox crew.
...
As the newest members of their crew filed out of the briefing room, Captain Janeway averted her eyes. "Repairs?" she asked, not looking at the man who stood behind her.
"Coming along," he replied, his hands on his hips.
She nodded, still not looking at him, and slowly exited the briefing room; he followed. "How's the crew?"
"A lot of frayed nerves," he replied, looking around at their badly damaged bridge. "Neelix is organizing a potluck to help boost morale." He looked up, examining a badly damaged conduit near Harry's station.
She stood near the conn, still not looking in his direction. "Will I see you there?"
"I'm replicating the salad," he replied, gesturing with both hands, trying to lighten the mood, to let her know that he was still here for her.
"I'll bring the croutons." Her words responded to his lighthearted tone, but her tone remained wracked with guilt. She turned and glanced back at him, finally allowing her eyes to meet his for a fraction of a second. She was unable to hold his gaze. "Chakotay," she said softly, walking over to one side of the bridge. Quickly, he moved to meet her. "You know, you may have had good reason to stage a little mutiny of your own," she continued, looking at the floor.
He was astonished by the admission, and his own eyes fell for a moment before he looked back at her. "The thought had occurred to me." He paused before continuing, "That would have been crossing the line." He looked at her, trying to offer support, forgiveness, but she wouldn't meet his gaze or even look in his direction for several moments.
Finally, she looked up at him, but her eyes settled on something beyond him, and she walked past him. "Will you look at that?" It was Voyager's plaque, laying on the deck amidst a pile of rubble. Chakotay walked over to stand at her shoulder. "All these years, all these battles, this thing's never fallen down before." She thought it was a metaphor for other things that had never failed until now, either.
Chakotay took the plaque from her in both hands, one of his hands brushing hers as he did so. He wiped it off with one hand and looked at her reassuringly. "Let's put it back up where it belongs." Finally, she had the courage to meet his gaze fully, and she was astonished at the acceptance and the forgiveness that she saw there. In some ways, that was harder to take than it had been to relieve him of command. She watched as he replaced the plaque on the wall, and then turned to look at her, as ever, unafraid to meet her eyes.
...
The mess hall buzzed with activity, as Neelix arranged the various dishes on a long buffet table. "All right!" he announced. "Thank you to all of you who brought a dish. We have a large range of Delta and Alpha Quadrant delicacies, including macaroni and cheese from Lieutenant Nicoletti, banana pancakes from Lieutenant Torres and caramel brownies brought by the Wildmans! I'd like to extend a special welcome to our newest crew members. Please, make them feel at home. Now, let's eat!"
Neelix had insisted on inviting the members of the Equinox crew to the potluck, even though they were to have limited privileges on the ship. He knew how important it was for them to begin to integrate into the crew and to begin to feel accepted. He had felt pretty out of place himself when he was first on Voyager, and the five new people might be with them for a very long time. He wanted to help them feel as comfortable as he could. He saw Noah Lessing standing alone in a corner, and went over to say hello.
Tom, B'Elanna and Harry had gathered together and were standing in line for the buffet, ready to enjoy their meal together. Tuvok had the bridge, as he generally preferred to avoid social functions Seven of Nine was speaking to the Doctor. "If every guest brings their favorite dish to the party, why do they not simply eat the food they brought, if it is their favorite?" she asked.
"It's fun to share your favorite things with others," the Doctor replied. "If you try other people's favorite dishes, you might find something you never knew you liked. And it's always fun to share things that you like with others. Humans get a great deal of pleasure out of doing that."
"I see," said Seven, although the Doctor was not sure that she did. She noticed someone standing alone in the corner, looking out at the stars. "Doctor, will you excuse me?" she asked.
"Of course."
Seven approached the solitary figure in the corner. "Captain," she said, drawing the other woman's attention, "you are not... enjoying the festivities?"
Janeway didn't even turn to look at her. "I'm enjoying them fine, Seven."
"I have observed that you have not sampled the buffet. The Doctor tells me that if you try other people's favorite dishes, you may find something you never knew you liked."
This comment made the Captain turn to Seven and give her a real smile. "Well why aren't you at the buffet then?" she asked.
"I was planning to investigate it," Seven replied. "Would you like to join me?"
At first, Janeway was about to refuse, but she knew that her participation in the party would help the crew... both the Voyager crew and the members of the Equinox crew... feel as though she had moved past the incident of the past few days. Whether it was true or not, it was important to her that the crew felt it was.
Chakotay watched her from a distance. He had not been watching her all evening, but he had been constantly aware of her presence and her location. He was bemused that it was Seven of Nine who finally got her to join the party. She had clearly been avoiding him all evening, so he couldn't be the one to make her partake of the festivities. He shook his head. Later. They would speak later.
It was about an hour later when he saw her making preparations to leave the party. He excused himself from the conversation he was in the middle of with Crewman Chell and Lieutenant Ayala and managed to meet Kathryn at the door. "May I walk with you?" he asked.
She nodded, but did not reply or meet his eyes, and they walked in silence to the turbolift. Once inside, she ordered, "Deck three." She still didn't look at him.
"Computer, halt turbolift," he ordered. At this, she looked up at him, surprised.
"Commander?" she asked.
"Want to tell me what's on your mind?"
"Not particularly. Computer, resume turbolift."
Chakotay felt the anger and frustration he had felt the day before in his boxing program rising in him once again. He followed Janeway out of the turbolift and to the door of her quarters. They stopped at the door and she looked up at him, crossing her arms over her chest. "Kathryn, we can't go on like this," he insisted.
Closing her eyes in conceit, she keyed opened the door to her quarters and gestured at him to come in. He followed her inside and she turned to him, hands on her hips. "What do you want me to say, Chakotay? That I made the wrong choice? Well, I did. I made the wrong choice."
"I understand that you were angry..." he began, but she interrupted him.
"I put the safety of this entire crew in danger because I was angry. I shouldn't have done that."
Her tone was strident and strained, but at the same time, he felt relieved at her admission. This was the Kathryn Janeway he knew. "You're right," he said softly. "You shouldn't have, but you did. And you can't go back and change it now."
She walked over to the window, turning her back to him and placing her hands on her hips again. "I should have listened to you," she said quietly. "You've always been my sounding board. Sometimes you can see things that I can't."
He walked towards her, so that he stood just a few feet behind her. "What are friends for?" he asked gently.
She turned around and looked at him, finally unafraid to meet his gaze, her hands dropping from her hips. "I didn't think you'd still consider me a friend after what I did to you." Her voice was almost a whisper.
"I think as long as you promise not to feed me to a bunch of inter-spatial aliens, we'll be okay," he joked. His attempt at humor had no affect on her. Guilt was a well-practiced emotion that ran deep for her. Adding one more thing to her list of things to feel guilty about wasn't difficult. Chakotay saw the serious expression on her face, and he took a step towards her, so that he stood only inches away. "Kathryn, we all make mistakes, even Starfleet captains."
She offered a half smile. "I guess I need to remind myself of that sometimes."
He smiled back at her. "That's what I'm here for."
She closed her eyes for a brief moment, and when she looked up at him again, a little bit of the guilt was gone from her expression. When she spoke, she spoke slowly and deliberately. "Thank you, Chakotay, for not letting me cross that line." She pressed her hand against his chest and now it was his turn to close his eyes for a moment, accepting the gesture. He placed his hand over hers for a brief moment and squeezed it. Then, sharing one final glance with her, he turned, and left her quarters, leaving her alone to think about all that had transpired.