She stared at her personal terminal. The letter glowed at her, demanding her attention, needing her. What could she say to Kaidan? She had to answer him, if she ignored his apology it would be worse than a slap in the face.
So, she sat and she tried to write back. The low hum of the Normandy thrumming through her body, the faint burble of her massive fish tank vying with the pitchless hum of the Prothean orb on her coffee table serving as just enough distraction.
"Commander? Mordin has something for you in the lab."
"Thanks Joker." She said grimly. Half wishing the call hadn't come, half grateful it had.
"Kaidan!" Alex grinned at Kaidan as he started to apologize.
"Relax Alenko, I know you would've called if you could. I already ordered for you."
"That's…efficient."
"Hey I'm an efficient guy. How was your day?"
"Uh complicated? But it's good to be here now. How was the clinic?"
"Weird, we had some high level Alliance brass come through, they were part of some kind of inspection and tour. "
"Bad memories?"
"No, not exactly. It was just strange. I may be technically a civilian but I still have pretty high clearance and I know people. You and…well the media may still be skeptical about the Reapers but I have to say the last time I saw that kind of brass discussing triage and supplies well, let's just say safe money says the Alliance may be presenting a calm face to the public but behind closed doors they're battening the hatches."
"Yeah there've been rumors…" Kaidan said glancing away hoping to spot their server.
"I didn't want to ask if you'd heard them. I know that's a tough topic for you." Alex said softly.
"Shepard…the Shepard I knew is dead as far as I'm concerned."
"So you don't believe the rumors? That her death was faked as part of some kind of cover?"
He saw explosions and panicked shouts, heard a final order and –
"Hey shit I'm sorry Kaidan this is the last thing I wanted to talk about tonight." Alex said and took Kaidan's hand.
"I…I'm sorry it's been a long week. What did you order?"
"Steak and a beer."
Kaidan laughed softly.
"Hey I may be able to ruin a conversation in seconds flat but I also know what my guy likes to eat." Alex teased and squeezed Kaidan's hand.
Shepard was alone in her quarters. The framed picture of Kaidan combined with the still ignored letter on her terminal conspiring against her. She needed her head clear for this, needed to be focused and sure so she could have her team's back, so she could recover the Normandy's kidnapped crew and stop the Collectors once and for all.
"EDI?"
"Yes Commander?"
"If I write a reply to Staff Commander Alenko, can you send it via a scrambled code burst?"
"You wish to say goodbye?"
"I want to explain some things but if we somehow make it through this I'd like to be able to recall it. Can you manage that?"
"Certainly Shepard, if you like I can set the message for a time delay before sending."
"That…that would be good EDI, thank you."
"Of course Commander, notify me when your message is complete."
The glowing knob of EDI's oddly sterile avatar blinked out of existence and Shepard felt alone again.
Kaidan,
I'm sorry I haven't replied until now. I wasn't sure what to say and I'll be honest I doubted you would believe me either way so I didn't see the point. But, I can't leave it like this.
I know you're right about Cerberus, you are. But we both know the Alliance has made serious mistakes in the past. If we hadn't mutinied and stolen the original Normandy the Reapers would already be here and every advanced sentient species in the galaxy would be dying, again.
They brought me back Kaidan. Me, the woman and soldier you knew and loved. It's really me in here but I know words won't and can't prove it. I'm okay with that.
I want you to know that you were the first and last things I thought about. When the Normandy was hit with that beam I was focused on saving our crew, after Joker's pod was jettisoned and I realized my suit was breached I thought of you and how much I was about to hurt you.
When I woke in a Cerberus facility only moments had passed for me, I saw strangers looming over me, pain and more panic and then I was out again but not before I wondered where you were, if you'd lived. When I was finally revived it was the middle of a war zone. By the time I finally realized what had happened to me, that I had been dead for over two years though it felt like minutes to me, I knew I had to let you go.
You're the strongest man I know Kaidan. You survived Vyrnnus, Saren, the Geth, Virmire all of it and more. I didn't know if you were alive but I knew that if you were you would have used your strength to continue the fight. knew I had to let you go, I had to give you a chance to be happy. I also knew that the odds that I would survive these next few weeks were almost nil. More than that I knew you could never compromise yourself and agree to work with me, not while Cerberus was involved.
But it was selfish; it wasn't my decision to make. I should have tried to contact you I should have sent you a video or a message. The news that I was alive should have come from me and not a classified report or Anderson. I can't apologize for that, can't take it back or fix it. I betrayed you to protect myself because I was afraid you were dead or with someone else and I didn't know if I could handle that. I knew you would say no when I asked for your help on Horizon but I asked anyway.
You're right about Cerberus Kaidan, I know you are but what's the alternative? Allow millions of colonial humans to be harvested by the Collectors to serve the Reapers' ends? I can't stand by while that happens, I can't wait while the Alliance and the Council ignore the Reapers Kaidan. I know you aren't ignoring them either. But this is something I can do; maybe I'm the only one who can. I know the cost is going to be high, even if by some miracle my crew and I survive no one will ever look at me the same way again. I'm willingly using the people that tortured Alliance soldiers and murdered an Alliance Admiral to serve our goal of stopping the Reapers. I know to most, hell many, people that makes me complicit in Cerberus' past crimes and I'll no longer be trusted.
I don't care Kaidan, I don't care about the court of public opinion or my profile in history books of the future. I care that we have that future. That Krogan, Asari, Salarian, Human, Turian, Volus, Elcor, Hanar, Drell, Batarian, Vorcha and every other species out there and every potential sentient species gets to have that future. If that means losing your trust and respect then it's a price I have to pay.
I'm sorry Kaidan, stay alive if you can, Earth and the Alliance will need you.
Shepard
She revised it for an hour before admitting defeat.
"EDI?"
"Yes Shepard?" EDI's voice was subdued.
"You okay? You sound off."
"I apologize Commander." She said in a more normal tone.
"EDI?" Shepard pushed.
"I have read your correspondence to Staff Commander Kaidan Alenko."
"What do you think?"
"It is a pity he would not join us on Horizon, his service record is exemplary. If I had not known you were a real person I would suspect he was a fictional construct intended to bolster the credibility of your own achievements."
"That's Kaidan for you, too good to be true." Shepard said wryly.
"You still care for him?"
"I can't just turn off emotions EDI."
"Will your performance be negatively impacted by your current emotional state?"
"We're going to our almost-certain deaths to buy this galaxy's people a little more time to prepare for an inevitable invasion by ancient genocidal machines. Knowing that I'm doing this to protect him and buy him more time to do what I haven't been able to yet…it gives me courage."
EDI was uncharacteristically silent.
"Go ahead and send the message EDI, put it on a three day delay."
"Right away Commander."
"Kaidan you're leaving already?" Alex asked sleepily.
"Orders." Kaidan said tightly.
"Right, look you've been different since those rumors about Shepard –"
"They're not rumors Alex." Kaidan sighed and sat on the edge of Alex's bed.
"What? How do you…that mission."
"I saw her, talked to her."
"Christ this has to be so classified –"
"It's common knowledge she's alive now. The Alliance isn't even bothering to deny it they're just refusing to comment on the details."
"I've seen that tactic before Kaidan. Look, I get that you have to go when called but you're a mess, tell me what's going on. I'm a good listener, maybe it will help you get your head together."
Kaidan sighed and slowly shook his head.
"I thought I was over her, I had just started to see you and I liked being casual but getting my life back and then…there she was. It was like a mirage, I'd nearly died, seen the civilians I was supposed to defend stolen. I was looking for survivors and then I heard voices and…and there she was. Just being impossibly alive and for a few minutes that was all I cared about."
"Did she explain anything?"
"It doesn't matter. What we had is gone and over with. "
"No, it's not Alenko." Alex said gently but with such grief that Kaidan rose to face Alex as he slipped out of the blankets. He was naked but the only light in the room was the glow of his personal terminal.
"Do you remember before you took that mission you said you would write every day?"
"I always write."
"I know, even though 75% of your letters end up redacted for security. You wrote every day until one day you didn't. I didn't worry, I know personal communications are low priority I assumed your messages were being delayed. You didn't write me for three days when you finally did your letters were different, lighter, more superficial. Come here I'll show you." Alex said leaning over his terminal, the diffuse light turning the flat planes and hollows of his physique into a modernist etching.
Kaidan rose and walked to the terminal, scanned the dates of the letters.
"But…that's almost a week before Horizon."
"I know. Look Kaidan you're not a casual guy, you don't pursue relationships – romantic or otherwise – casually. You loved her; believe me I know I've watched you work to recover from her loss. I never would have conspired to get your friends to agree to set us up for dinner if I wasn't sure she was dead. The way you felt about her it's more than just good timing or adrenaline, more than battle buddies with benefits. You care about me but you love her. I was okay with that, I knew you needed time and because you're you I could wait, in time love would come. But that won't happen now."
"Alex what are you talking about?" Kaidan asked bristling slightly and taking a step back.
"Hush let me finish okay? I care enough about you to know you won't be happy with me while she's alive risking her life for humanity."
"Bullshit, Alex she's working for Cerberus, the woman I knew would die before …"
"Bad choice of words," Alex said and smiled gently before continuing, "Besides Kaidan your head knows that and your head wins most of the time but your heart? Your heart only knows she's alive. So accept that okay? I care about you I do and I know you want to do right by me, by us. So listen to me okay? We're done, no hard feelings, I'll get over you eventually just like you were starting to recover from Shepard. But there's no point pretending we're going to get a house in B.C. and grow old together having beer and bratwurst on summer nights. It's just…not in the cards. Even ignoring the whole impending genocide by Reapers thing." Alex joked wryly though his voice caught and he had to clear his throat. "My point is when you didn't know she was alive some part of you did know and that part can't be out thought or reasoned with."
"Alex you can't just –"
"Give up? I'm not I haven't. How long has it been since you got back after seeing her? How often have we been together? We're pulling apart already Kaidan and honestly this would have happened naturally in time but we don't have time to waste. If you and Shepard are right – and I believe you are – then we have to make the most of what we have and fight to make sure we have a shot at a future."
"You're dumping me?"
"I'm letting you go. You don't need to worry about me. I'll be okay, I always am."
"Don't I get a say?" Kaidan snapped.
"What are you going to say Kaidan? I'm not wrong we both know that."
"You deserve better than this." Kaidan said fiercely looking up from the monitor, his dark eyes glittering.
"Sure I do, maybe one day I'll find it, but not unless you get your ass out the door to your mission. I mean it Alenko."
Then duty bound, solemn, cautious Kaidan pulled Alex close and kissed him long and hard. Silently Alex broke the kiss then Kaidan dressed and left the physician alone with only the glow of the monitor for company.
"I always pick the guys with the biggest hang ups, figures I'd get the guy with the undead super hero girlfriend." He sighed and laughed though the tear drying on his cheek in the blue light of the monitor told the lie of the laugh.
EDI and the Normandy took enough damaged escaping the Omega 4 relay with their battered - but intact and living - crew that non-essential functions and routines were shunted aside until critical repairs and damage control were completed.
Shepard, elated and relieved but exhausted retired to her cabin. A day and a half later the Normandy, still limping but recovering with the assistance of Engineers Daniels and Donnelly with advice from EDI, received a coded communique for Shepard's eyes only. Two hours later Shepard left the Normandy with standing orders to continue repairs until she contacted them.
Then a Batarian system was wiped out and Admiral Hacket arrived, the next thing the crew knew they'd been disbanded, Shepard, Donnelly, and Daniels were in cuffs and EDI was masquerading as a VI and the world had flipped upside down.
"-Not a war criminal!" Kaidan hissed.
"Major, this isn't up for debate. Shepard isn't facing trial because we all know what you know, she did what she had to. If she hadn't acted to destroy that relay and delay the Reaper invasion we wouldn't be standing here now. But that doesn't mean we can cut her loose and reinstate her status as an officer of the Systems Alliance Navy, it doesn't work like that and you know it."
"Yes Sir I just -"
"I know son, we all feel the same. But right now this is the safest place for her. We can prevent Batarian activists from attacking her here."
"For how long sir? And are you sure that's the best course of action? She willingly chose to work with Cerberus."
"Major, I strongly advise you to end this line of questioning you're overdue for debrief."
"Yes Sir." Kaidan snapped to attention, saluted, and about faced. Still seething he left the room intent on locating his debrief officer and getting some R and R while there was still time.
"Sir!" A burly lieutenant dressed in the Alliance's day to day battle blues said crisply and saluted. Kaidan returned the salute absently and noted the other officer's name, Vega.
"Are you ever going to read it?"
Kaidan glared at the debrief officer. As a special forces tactical leader Kaidan's debriefs often included psychological evaluations.
"I don't see the point."
"Really?"
"What could possibly be in the letter that would make any difference?"
"Well, if you never read it I guess we'll never know. Don't make me order you to read your damn mail Major." The debrief officer sighed and made a dismissive gesture.
Kaidan went for a walk with no real destination in mind. He was surprised to realize he was walking toward the Alliance secured docks where the Normandy was being retrofitted to serve as Captain Anderson's flagship.
When he took the time to think about how much his life had changed since his assignment to the Normandy SR-1 it shocked him. Now, seeing the familiar silhouette comforted him. Why was he being so stubborn about the letter? It wasn't like him. He was a master of his emotions and abilities, he had been accused of being cold and moralistic to a fault. So why couldn't he just read it?
"Major!" Specialist Traynor called. He had become friendly with her over the course of his semi-frequent visits.
"Specialist, any progress?"
"Some sir, this ship is amazing."
"Yeah, so was the SR-1"
"Have you had the grand tour sir?"
"No, maybe some other time."
"Well, it's good to see you sir." She said and returned to her work.
He started walking again still brooding until he returned to his temporary billet in the officer's dormitory. He sat at the provided terminal and carefully logged into his personal account.
The letter sat glaring up at him, unread for weeks. He sighed and selected it.
"How's the food?" Vega asked.
Shepard laughed and shook her head.
"Alliance rations, taste the same on the ass end of Ilos or in the heart of HQ."
"True that Commander."
"You know I'm not an officer anymore James."
"Yeah, maybe maybe not Ma'am."
"Rumor has it they've postponed my trial indefinitely."
"That's the scuttlebutt Ma'am but safe money says as soon as the Reapers show their scaly robot asses you'll be back in action."
"Scaly robot asses?"
Had he been wrong about Shepard all this time? Kaidan re-read the letter again though he had memorized it by then. He got to his feet and decided to head back to Alliance HQ, see if he could talk to Shepard one on one.
He was clearing security at the entrance when the first reports came in, some kind of large scale attack, stomach lurching and body tingling with the familiar rush of adrenaline, he immediately began focusing his biotics while hurrying through the controlled chaos rippling through the complex.
The time had come.