Life Without You
By Ezri-Candy
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Summary: Squall is being plagued by memories of the actions he took when Hollow Bastion was attacked. Yuffie tries to help him with his problem, which eventually leads to an argument between the pair where harsh words are accidentally said.
Warning: This story contains a suicide attempt so if you are sensitive to these types of things, there are plenty of excellent stories in the KH section for you to read.
Disclaimer: As much as I wish I owned Kingdom Hearts (especially all those hot guys…Squall, Riku, Cloud, Sephiroth…{Sighs}) I don't. That privilege belongs to Square-Enix and Disney but if they really wanted to give them to me, I wouldn't mind taking them off of their hands...hint, hint.
Note: This story
has been edited as of 6/14/04…mistakes have been corrected and if you find
more, please let me know.
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Part 1
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Yuffie hopped up onto the balcony after returning from her magic training with Merlin. and opened the sliding door to the room she shared with Squall, her fighting partner and long time companion. Her breath caught in her throat as she saw him sitting on the edge of the bed. He looked so handsome as he pushed strands of damp brown hair out of his endless blue eyes.
She slowly made her way over to him and sat on the bed next to him. He made no acknowledgement of her even being there as he stared straight ahead, deep in thought. Violet eyes continued to watch as drops of water fell from his hair onto his clean white t-shirt and a frown graced his perfect lips.
'Something must really be wrong if I can be this close to him and not have him notice.' She thought. 'I wonder what he's thinking about…I know he doesn't like me all that much, but maybe I can help him out.'
The ninja looked up at him with apprehension. 'I hope he doesn't get mad at me for botherin' him. Oh well, here goes nothing…'
"Squall?"
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Squall had stepped from the small bathroom moments ago, his hair still slightly dripping as his mind continued to race even after the cold shower he had taken to clear it. Many things had been running rampant in his mind for the past two weeks but in the past twenty-four hours, these thoughts had not allowed him a moments rest. His body was weary as he tried to push back the memories of Hollow Bastion that plagued him on a regular basis, yet this was not the only issue that had occupied a large portion of his mind.
'Yuffie.'
As of late, he had found his mind wandering back to the young woman more and more. She was his fighting partner, his friend and now that he finally deciphered his feelings for the young ninja, she was the woman he that he loved.
That last thought scared him the most; love. Over the years, he had lost so many people in his life that he loved or cared for, he began to believe that he was cursed. He believed that everyone he loved would be ripped from him because of the simple fact that he cared for them. For him, there would be no happiness to be found. Squall had decided that fate had determined that he wasn't worthy of anything…Maybe he was just destined to be alone.
Yuffie had turned into a beautiful young woman before his very eyes and he loved everything about her. He loved her sunny personality, her endless energy, and her caring nature. She was his polar opposite and he loved her but wouldn't dare voice that love fearing the tragedy would soon follow if he did.
She would never know. She was safer this way, wasn't she?
"Squall?"
He snapped his head to the side, slightly startled at the sound of her soft voice. 'How in the hell did she manage to do that?' He glared at the ninja and sighed. "It's Leon. What do you want Yuffie?"
She rolled her eyes. "Well, it just looked like you had a lot on your mind and I was…uh…wonderin' if you wanted to talk about it."
He gave a sad smirk. "You wouldn't understand."
Now it was her turn to glare at him. "I am not a child. I understand a lot more than people think." Her eyes softened. "Leon, talking 'bout it might help, and that's all I want to do."
He sat silent for a few moments. "Fine."
'Yes!' "So what's going on?" she asked gently.
"I was just thinking about the past." He said simply. 'And about you.'
"What about it?"
He looked down to her. "That's it."
She arched an elegant eyebrow. "What's it?"
'I don't even know why I bothered…She doesn't understand.' He shook his head.
"Come on Squall, you gotta be thinking about somethin' specific to make you zone out like you were."
He sighed at the use of his former name and knew she would not stop pestering him until he told her. "… …I was thinking about when Hollow Bastion was attacked…and I don't zone out." 'How does she get me to open up like this when no one else can?'
Yuffie closed her eyes. 'Not this again! He is always beating himself up over this!' From time to time, Squall had a tendency to go into periods of depression and self-loathing. "Leon, there is nothing that you could have done that would have changed what happen back then."
He stood and started pacing the room. "You don't know that. If I wasn't so weak, maybe we could have fought off the heartless and so many people wouldn't have died. You don't know anything." He said coldly.
"Why do you torture yourself like this? Squall, you need to stop living in the past! We all lost people in our lives that we're close to us. We," she said pointing to him and to herself. "have both lost our parents, Aerith lost her mother and Cloud, and Cid doesn't even know if the Gummi ship his wife was piloting made it out of there, but we don't constantly punish ourselves about what happened then. We know that nothing we do now can change back then and you need to realize it too! Please don't do this to yourself anymore. I can't stand to see you inflicting this pain on yourself." She pleaded.
"Squall, you have always been strong but you're too busy wallowing in your own personal hell to realize it. If you just think of all of the people that you have saved both here in Traverse Town and in Bastion you wou-
He sat heavily on a chair across the room and rubbed his temples. "Enough!" he turned that all too familiar glare on her. 'Why does she care about what I think and what I do to myself? She couldn't possibly love me, I have been a complete ass to her for the last few weeks trying to push her away.' He thought sadly.
She felt anger and desperation beginning to build in her. "No Squall, you need to hear this! If you, Cloud and the others hadn't fought as long as you did guarding the Gummi hanger, there would have been a lot more people that died that day! No one was prepared for that attack! Gods, some of the people who had made it to the ships still had no idea what was going on!
"I know you thought that you should have been fighting with the others on the streets on Hollow Bastion but even if you had been out there, the heartless would have still taken over our world and you would be dead!" She yelled, walking out of the balcony doors to hide the pain that was clearly written across her face at that thought. 'I don't know what I would do if you weren't here with me.'
"At least then I would have died fighting and not sitting here with you, constantly listening to your babbling!" He hollered back. 'Why am I saying this?'
'Am I really that bad? Am I that much of a nuisance to him? Can't he see that I care about him?! That I love him?!' Yuffie question herself before spinning around from the balcony of the green room, eyes that were once the color of ash covered lilacs were now black with fury and trained on the brown haired main glaring at her. "You know Squall, since I bother you soooo much, maybe you'da just be better off if I'd never been born!" She screamed at the man.
Squall stood piercing her with his steely blue eyes before speaking coldly. "My name is Leon and you know what Yuffie, maybe that would have made my life a whole lot easier." His eyes widened, not bothering to cover the shock he felt at his own words. 'I can't believe I just said that! I'm so damn stupid!'
The ninja felt as if her chest was caving in. Her eyes burned with tears that had yet to fall and her breathing became hitched. 'He truly hates me…'
Forcing away the tears and pain she was feeling and a blank mask fell over her face. "Well Leon," she said in a monotone whisper. "In all the years I have know you, I never realized my presence irritated you that much. You won't have to concern yourself with me any longer. I know when I'm not wanted." She said as she walked mechanically towards the door of their shared room.
He moved forward quickly and grasped her arm lightly. "Yuffie, I didn't mean what I said." His once emotionless tone was filled with sorrow.
"Take your hands off of me." Her eyes remained forward, not even sparing him a glance as she shrugged his hand off.
The gunblade specialist reluctantly released his grasp as she quickly fled the room. He walked over to the bed and sat heavily, placing his head in his hands. "I am such a moron!"
'How could I have said that to her when she was only trying to help? Every thing she said was true. I can't change what happened but I was being too self-centered to realize it. I've known her since she was a little girl, I watched her grow into the woman she is today. Even though I have never admitted it, she is the only one who truly understands me and what do I do? I tell her I wish she wasn't born!' He berated himself.
The damage was done; he had broken the ninja's spirit by allowing those vile words to spew from his mouth. He felt a crushing pain in his chest as his mind continuously replayed the pained expression that graced her beautiful face. "The one person that I care for the most, offers her help to me and what do I do? I turn away from her help and curse her very existence!"
He sat back in the chair and tossed his head back allowing it to smack against the wall behind him, but he felt no pain. His thoughts were on the young woman who stormed out of the room only moments before.
'Yuffie has stuck by my side through thick and thin.' He gave a sad smile that quickly slid into a deep frown. 'She never deserved any of the unkind words that I've said to her. She thinks that I hate her.'
He didn't hate her. There was nothing that could ever make him hate her, and as he looked back on their friendship, he realized that the insults and snide remarks had done everything to make her think that he did. 'I can't let her continue to think that. I don't want her out of my life.' He stood from his seat with a look of grim determination.
He just couldn't picture not waking up everyday to her bouncing on the bed to get him up with that beautiful grin pasted on her face. Or not hearing her playfully argue with Aerith about why she would never wear the pink clothing that older woman had given to her. He wanted to hold her in his arms and tell he how he felt even though he didn't know how she felt about him.
'I'm not going to let her walk away without telling her that I love her.' Fate be damned, he was going to tell her. He had to, despite the twinge of fear that came with telling her. He left the green room in search for his love.
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See authors notes at the end of this story…I couldn't post it as a one shot like I planned because ff.net is acting up again.