Schieße (A Twisted Glee FanFic)
I awoke one morning with a start. I was hallucinating and I had a rumbling feeling in the pit of my stomach. Ugh, sweet baby Jesus, what's wrong with you this morning, Blaine? I asked myself. Then the nausea hit me. I threw my hand over my mouth and I ran to the bathroom, nearly missing the toilet, hurling up the contents of my stomach. Did I eat something weird the night before? I went to the sink and rinsed out my mouth. I glanced up at my reflection in the mirror. My face was green and I was really clammy. My curly black hair stuck to my forehead. Speaking of my forehead, it felt as if there were mini jackhammers placed strategically inside of my skull. I held onto the sink and breathed deeply.
I put some toothpaste on my toothbrush and placed it in my mouth. Why was I feeling this way? I finished brushing my teeth and went back to my room to get dressed. I stripped off my now dirty night shirt and stared at my bare abdomen in the mirror. My usually toned stomach was starting to become a beer belly. I turned to the side. I had a little pouch. What the hell? I guess I have to hit the gym later this week. I put on some of my jeans and a stylish coat. Maybe this disgusting feeling would pass.
"I'm gonna marry the night; I won't give up on my life; I'm a warrior queen, live passionately tonight" My phone was ringing.
"Hello?" I answered in a groggy voice.
"Blainey-bear, what's wrong?" A chipper voice asked.
"Ugh, I just threw up." I told Kurt.
"Oh, my gosh. I'm bringing you some soup. It's organic. I've been dying to test it out on someone."
I chuckled. "Okay, Kurt. I'll be here. See you in a bit."
"Love you."
"Love you, too." I hung up the phone and tossed it on my bed. My lower back hurt and I thought to myself, screw it. I took off my jeans and coat and put my pajamas back on. I grabbed my phone and walked back down the stairs. I turned the television on and sat down on the couch. Suddenly, I felt really tired. Before I knew it, I was asleep.
…
I was awoken by someone shaking my shoulders. "Blaine, Blaine honey, I brought you some soup." Kurt was sitting on the couch next to me.
"Thanks, Kurt." I said with my eyes still closed. He put his lips to my forehead.
"You don't have a fever." Kurt brushed the hair out of my eyes. "Here, I'll get you the soup." He walked up and headed towards the kitchen. "What happened when you woke up this morning?"
"I ran to the bathroom and threw up. I have a headache, my back hurts, and on top of it all, I'm getting fat." I told him in a whiny voice.
"Maybe you're pregnant." Kurt joked.
"Not funny." I told him, grabbing the remote. I flipped it to Lady GaGa's Monster Ball and Kurt brought in my soup on a tray and sat next to me as I sipped on it.
"Sorry. Is it good? It's organic minestrone soup." He told me.
"Yeah, it's fine." I took another slurp. "Thanks, Kurt."
"No problem." Kurt chuckled. "Maybe we should get you a pregnancy test." He laughed.
"Why?" I asked him.
"Those things you just said, they are all signs of pregnancy." He laughed.
"Oh yeah, I'm most definitely pregnant. It totally makes sense, because I am a woman and have a vagina." I said sarcastically.
"It couldn't hurt to take one. It couldn't possibly come out positive so what's the harm in it?" Kurt told me, watching as Lady GaGa pretended to jack off in her silicone dress.
"Why not? I've peed more than Sea-Biscuit, today." I told him. "My mom has pregnancy tests upstairs." Kurt gave me a funny look. "They've been trying for another baby, okay?" Kurt just ran up the stairs and grabbed one.
Am I really gonna do this? What a waste of urine. "I've got it!" I heard Kurt call. He walked down the stairs and threw it in my lap. "Go do your business." I stood up and waddled to the bathroom, holding my back.
I pulled down my pants, standing in the bathroom completely naked. I read the directions on the package. There was like three steps. You would think there would only be one: Pee on stick. I stood in front of the toilet and held the stick in front of me trying to aim so the urine would hit the stick and not my hand. This is stupid. I flushed the toilet and washed my hands. The package said to wait a minute for the results. I pulled up my pants and sighed.
I walked out of the bathroom, stick in my hand and threw myself onto the couch. "What does it say?" Kurt asked with a chuckle. I looked down at the test and furrowed my brows in frustration. I shook it a little. This couldn't be right. Right in front me read a little pink plus sign. I shook it again but it wouldn't change.
"Well, Kurt, according to this test, you are gonna be a father." I said, my heart pounding in my chest.
"What?" Kurt grabbed the test and stared at it. He looked up at me. "This can't be right... can it?"
Kurt waited as I took three more tests. I was surprised I had enough urine for all of them but I did. I waited the required time and there it sat. That little bastard of a plus sign. "What the fuck?" I yelled. "I can't be pregnant! I'm a dude!"
"I knew we should've used a condom." Kurt said running his hands through his hair.
"Well, I didn't think it would matter. One: We are dudes with dicks. And two: we had anal sex! I know for a fact neither of us has a pussy so how could I possibly be pregnant?" I took the test and chucked it in the garbage. I put both of my hands on the counter and started to breath heavily. I put my head in my hands. "Kurt, what are we gonna do?"
"I don't know. We will think of something." Kurt walked to the counter and wrapped his arms around me. I accepted the hug gratefully. Kurt pulled his head back and pressed his lips against mine. He slowly slid his tongue into my mouth and I pushed away from him, feeling a bulge in his pants.
"You being too excited got us into this mess. Control yourself, okay?" Kurt blushed and sat down on my couch. "What do we do now?" I asked him.
"We'll just have to wait it out."
…Nine Months Later…
Kurt and I were sitting in the park at a picnic table, enjoying the virgin cosmos he had made. I rested my hands on my belly and felt a huge kick. "Oh, dear God." I hissed.
"Big kick?" Kurt asked.
"Yeah. This baby is gonna be the death of me." I said. All of a sudden, I felt a rush of liquid down my leg. My eyes widened and I stared at Kurt.
"Oh, my God, Blaine did your—"
"Get me to the hospital, now!" Kurt called 911 and I started to freak out. I jumped in the car and Kurt immediately started to drive.
It had been nine months already. I was so used to this baby bump. I know its weird 'cause I am a guy and all. I figured I was like the Blessed Mother. A miracle had occurred. I was like the pregnant man but I was never a woman. "Oh, my Rowling!" I screamed as another huge kick surged through my body. "How do women do this?" I yelled.
"Hold on, Blaine! We're almost there!" Kurt told me as he pulled into the hospital's parking lot. I ran out of the car door into the waiting room. "Someone help us! My boyfriend is having a baby!" Kurt yelled. Lots of people stared at me.
"That's not right." I heard an old lady whisper behind me. I turned around and flicked her off as a doctor pushed me into a chair.
"Jesus fucking Christ!" I screamed. Kurt held onto my hand as I was rushed into the room.
"Well, it looks like you are going to have to deliver this baby now. Do you want the epidural?" Doctor Wu asked me.
"Hell no. I can't afford that. Just get this baby out of me, please." I said as I shook in a sweat.
"Okay, well, you are my first male client. I guess there's a first time for everything. Ready, one, two, three, push!" Doctor Wu demanded. I grit my teeth and let out a grunt of anger and frustration.
"Good, good, now push!" I screamed again.
"I see the head! PUSH!" Wu yelled. I pushed with all of my might and then suddenly I was released. I felt free.
"Blaine! Blaine!" I started to black out. "Blaine!" Kurt called.
"BLAINE!" I woke with a start.
"Wh-what?" I pushed myself up and held onto my head. "Ow." My headache had gotten worse. "What happened?"
"You fell asleep. I brought you some soup." Kurt told me looking worried.
"Where's the baby?" I asked.
"Baby? What baby?" Kurt asked with a weird look on his face. "You called me saying that you were sick, remember? You said you threw up." I looked down at my stomach. My pouch was going away. I guess I was just imagining it.
Was that really a dream? "Oh, right." I sat up a little more. "I'm feeling a little bit better now. I just have a headache. I'll go get myself some aspirin." I stood up and walked to the kitchen. As I opened up my messenger bag to get my ibuprofen, a small bag of weed. Jesus, how friggin' high did I get last night?