Now or Never
by battousai24 (aka C. S. Raine)

Chapter 1: Now or Never

Elsa sighed as she looked out the window, seeing her next-door neighbor, Anna, playing with the kids from the other room down the hall. She watched as the strawberry-blonde help a little blonde girl build a snowman. They were almost finished. Frosty was only missing his two arms and a nose. It was soon fixed when a slightly older blond boy came up to them with a couple of branches. She couldn't help but smile herself when Anna smiled sweetly at him and ruffled up his hair. Unfortunately, the snowman was still missing a nose. They must not have found anything for it because the little girl pouted, while the boy went to hug his sister, probably trying to soothe her. The older girl, too, had knelt down and hugged the two children and gave them a reassuring smile. She must have promised them she'd do something about it.

Elsa turned away from a moment and scanned her room. On her kitchen table was a bag of carrots. She looked back out the window, as if considering her options. She often found herself wanting to join them. They seemed to be having a lot of fun. Those three had been out there playing in the snow since it started. She bit her lip. She really wanted to offer one of her carrots to complete the snowman, but she was unable to. She rarely left her room, and when she did, it was only for necessary trips to the grocery or other supplies, or when she had to go to her graduate school to submit requirements. Otherwise, she stayed in her room, drawing and painting whatever came to mind. She wasn't very comfortable interacting with other people. She was terrible at making casual conversation and physical contact terrified her.

She wasn't really anti-social. She'd talk to other people when she had to. She had small talk with Anna a few times, but she never initiated it. She was always nervous about meeting people, especially those loud and talkative types, like Anna, but for some reason, she wasn't as nervous with the girl as she was with most. Her acquaintances at school often just avoided her because she rarely talked to them, and when she did, she'd give as short replies as she could. Her professors did the same, but they could really care less about her reclusive personality as she was an excellent artist. She produced magnificent art for her classes and they'd leave her alone. She was happy with that arrangement. They had no complaints.

But with Anna, it was different. While she was still hesitant in engaging in conversation, Elsa found herself feeling somehow elated after speaking with her. They weren't friends. Elsa didn't really have any, but if she'd consider anyone, she'd definitely choose Anna.

Speaking of the other girl, she was now having a snowball fight with the children. They were all laughing together and Elsa couldn't help but feel a little jealous at the interaction. She truly wished she could join them, but she couldn't. Her fears were stopping her, like always.

Elsa was afraid to get close to anyone, for fear of getting hurt, and fear of hurting other people. When she was younger, she was close to her parents and her little sister. They were a very close family. She loved them very much. However, one day, they got into a car accident while on their way to her art class. She was only eight-years-old then, but her work was already being displayed in the art school's gallery. She had already been at the school so she wasn't with them when it happened. She blamed herself for her parents' and sister's deaths. She was devastated when she lost them and vowed she'd never get too close to anyone else. Her aunt and uncle took her in, and she was thankful for that, but she did not let them in her heart. She was too scared of the pain if she had to lose anyone important to her again.

Again, she sighed. Oftentimes, she thought that maybe she could try to let someone in again, perhaps someone like Anna. The younger girl was friendly and she had this wonderful glow to her. Everyone loved the freckled girl. She was sweet and thoughtful. She would often volunteer to watch over those kids when their parents were off at work, and Kristoff and his wife, Alice, were ever thankful. Even the somewhat snobbish man from the floor down, Hans, couldn't ignore Anna's morning greetings. And the couple upstairs, Eugene and Rapunzel, were here very good friends. Elsa often found them together on Friday nights or at some ungodly hour on Saturdays, coming home from a bar, swaying from a little bit of drunkenness. They would invite Elsa to join them, too, sometimes, but she never accepted their invitations.

Anna reminded Elsa a lot of her younger sister. They had the same bubbly personality. They were both a little hyperactive, but never annoyingly so. It was actually quite endearing, when she thought about it. The similar way the girls would both brush back a few strands of hair behind their ears when they felt nervous, and the way they would both gush out sentence after sentence when they got to talking about anything they were really interested in. That's pretty much why Elsa considered opening her door to Anna. She thought they might get along well. Perhaps they would be good friends. A few times, Elsa found herself blushing when she'd think about getting closer to the girl, but she never really understood why.

However, it was also because Anna was so much like her dead sibling that she was reluctant to start a friendship with her. She was afraid. She was always afraid. Sometimes, just when she's about to open her door to join Anna and the children outside, or join Friday night bar-hopping with Eugene and Rapunzel, she'd remember her family, and she'll remember the pain of their loss and the loneliness she felt when they were gone. She'd rethink her decisions and would remain in her room.

Anna had asked her once if she was lonely being all alone cooped up in her room. Elsa lied, shaking her head no. She couldn't tell Anna the truth. Judging from the girl's personality, she would be determined to get Elsa to come out of her shell if she had admitted she was lonely. Of course she was lonely. She had no one. But even when it was often hard to stay away from people, and longed for warm hugs and lengthy conversation, she couldn't bring herself to do so. Even though she was alone, even though she was lonely, at least she was safe. She felt secure, and that was what was important. At least, that's what she kept telling herself.

Elsa needed to feel safe. If she opened up to Anna, she'd feel vulnerable. She'd not only open up her heart to the warmth of companionship, but she'd also allow Anna to hurt her, and she wasn't sure she could take it. She wasn't sure she was ready for it. She couldn't give someone, anyone, so much power over her.

So while she sat by her window, watching Anna and those children enjoying themselves in the snow, and wanting to build snowmen and have snowball fights, and laugh along with them, she wouldn't leave her room. Not even to give that goofy-looking snowman his much-needed nose. She took a deep breath, blinking for what seemed like ages, and stood up. Maybe she could go down there. Maybe she could offer one of those carrots on her table to complete Frosty. Maybe she could be friends with Anna.

She walked over to the bag of carrots, picking the best looking one from the bunch. She went back to the window to check if those three were still down there. Deep breaths. She could do this. It was now or never.

It was then that Anna looked up, finally noticing someone watching them. She looked right at Elsa, smiled and waved. She was saying something, but Elsa couldn't hear her. She could see her mouth forming soundless words that she read as something like "come on down." Anna was gesturing towards the kids and then the snowman. She was saying something again, something like "Do you want to build a snowman?"

Elsa felt her heart skip a beat. Anna wanted her to join them. This was it. She even already had the perfect carrot for the snowman's nose. It was going to be the perfect nose for their snowman, her first snowman in so, so many years. She left the window and went for her door, carrot in hand. She reached for the doorknob, turning it ever so slightly.

But there it was again. Those memories, they're flooding in, her nightmares of during the day. She was finding it hard to breathe. Her heart was beating louder, faster. It was now or never. Now or never, she thought to herself.

She sighed, letting go of the doorknob. She placed the carrot back on the table and walked quietly into her room, not bothering to look back out the window. Maybe she'd join them some other time. Perhaps, she'd let Anna into her life someday. Maybe, she'd allow the girl to have the power to hurt her, to break her heart, to destroy her... but that day was not today.

It's now or never. Her own voice rang in her head. She closed her eyes in frustration, and tears rolled down her cheeks. She wasn't even aware of them welling up in her eyes until they fell. She lifted a hand to brush them away.

Anna. She thought of the girl's friendly smile, and how her eyes sparkled whenever they held each other's gaze, even if it's only for a split-second. She thought of those lovely freckles, and her endearing rambling. She thought of her nervous tick, that adorable brushing of her hair behind her ear. She didn't even think of her sister this time. She thought of Anna and tried to smile as she remembered how the girl had mouthed yet another invitation she declined. She frowned, unable to complete her smile.

'It's now or never.'

She let it go, let the tears flow as she softly sobbed to herself, as if finally realizing why she was crying in the first place.

Never.