Hey everyone. So here's the thing. I was working on the other stories I have and a friend of mine mentioned wanting some Nick/Warrick angst. Well that got me thinking. Then I heard the song and that was it. I had to write it. It kinda just sort of flowed out of me and this is the result. Let me know how it turned out.
Disclaimer: Don't own CSI seriously wish I did at times though.
Warnings: In case you hadn't guessed by now this is Slash as in boy/boy In this case it's Nick/Warrick. Not the pairing I usually write (I'm usually a Greg/Nick fan) but well this kinda hit me and needed to be written. That having been said. You don't like it you don't read it. It's that simple.
Song choice: The song choice is Long Way To Go by Def Leppard.
So now on with the story...
Long Way To Go
Nick Stokes sighed and looked up from where he was working and through the glass out into the rest of the lab. He felt like he was slowly fading away, fading into the workings of the lab as life seemed to float along without him. He'd been in this place before. He'd seen the darkness that came from letting life go on without taking part in it.
He'd been there and pulled himself out of it. Now though he had no idea how he was going to stop the darkness from sucking him under. And as much as it pained him this time he wasn't even sure he wanted to stop it. Life just seemed to have forgotten about him and he didn't know whether he had the strength to remind it this time.
He started at himself in the mirror everyday and he was finding it more difficult to recognise the man staring back at him. He'd actually openly gaped at himself the last time. He was starting to realise that he really had no idea who that man was anymore, or where the old Nick Stokes had gone.
You held my hand and then you slipped away
He knew there had to be something still there, something human, something that had feeling but he was starting to realise that his heart had decided it could only take so much. He had barricaded his heart and that soft feeling side of himself, the one he was known for was getting harder to find.
He'd hidden it in the hopes that if he barricaded his heart it would dull the pain that would not ease. But all it had done was make him feel less human and work harder to fight for the victims and their families that could not fight for themselves. But I hadn't driven away the pain, not even close. It was still raw and the pain remained. Still as raw as the day he found out. Found out that his whole world was about to fall apart.
Time was moving on now and he tried to tell himself it had lessened but he still felt the stab in his heart. Still reached for his lover to find him gone, still wanted to ring his cell number to hear his voice only to realise that he wasn't there. That still felt like a kick in the gut. Some days the loss would hit him so hard it was like he couldn't breathe.
And I may never see your face again
He had to believe it would get better. It had too. There was no way it could be worse. Nick knew he couldn't live like this more much longer he started to realise he was truly fading away.
Nick's life had brought its fair share of hardships. He had been though a lot in his life. Particularly since starting CSI although the troubles hadn't started. He'd been "A magnet for trouble" as his best friend would say, long before he had started at the LVPD. But he'd weathered those troubles and he liked to think he had survived them. More than survived them, he'd lived through them and grown stronger. Stronger and eventually he'd learnt from it. He'd overcome his fears and become a better person for it.
Or at least he hoped so. Once he'd started to understand himself, be sure of himself but now? Now he wasn't sure of anything anymore.
Nick had always known he often let his emotions rule when he should have locked them away.
But he'd never been ashamed of that particular talent. It made him good with people when a lot of his colleagues weren't. He connected with people, he knew it and he was good at it. And he put that to good use. He'd never been ashamed of it and still wasn't but now, now it was getting harder to fight those emotions and harder to keep them in check. Because he had too. Now was not the time. Because there was someone who needed him there was always someone else that needed him. And he wasn't selfish enough to not answer their plea for help.
Nick had to bite back a scream that was crawling up his throat at the mere thought of that day? Was it truly almost a year since his world had been turned so brutally upside down? Was it truly a year since his heart had shattered? Every day felt like a year in itself. Warrick was gone.
Warrick his best friend, his lover, his everything was gone. Nick still expected him to walk in the lab and see those beautiful green eyes laughing at him. Demanding a rematch on a friendly bet they'd made. Then he'd catch himself thinking it and realise that it was truly just wishful thinking. Warrick was gone, had died in Grissom's arms and Nick hadn't been there in the moment Warrick needed him most. Nick wanted to believe the pain would lessen but he didn't think he'd ever truly get over it.
He didn't see how he could.
So tell me how do to fill the emptiness inside
Nick wondered if he was losing that emotion that had always given him the edge, losing the ability to be human but then decided he couldn't be. He had to be human because it hurt to much to be anything else. He'd tried to put his life back together, he'd done it before, he could do it again. But it was so hard.
There were so many ghosts in his past to do that simply but he knew he would have to try. He couldn't keep going like this. He had done it before he would do it again. Without Warrick. He bit back another scream as he remembered the day his life changed forever. The day he lost the one person he loved most in the world. the day he had never felt so helpless. His lover had died and he hadn't been there.
His lover had died and just when they had started to believe they had forever. It was almost too much to bare. He hadn't been able to help. The thoughts still haunted him. Warrick had helped him, saved him and Nick hadn't been able to do the same thing when the roles were reversed. He felt sick and thoughts of his lover's final moments haunted his every step.
Nick had suddenly become one of the families that had to be told their loved ones would never come home again. He had been the victim but never the loved one waiting for news. He was used to telling families that their worlds would change.
That their lives were about to shattered. Used to being the one to breaking the news and being what the surviving loved ones needed in that moment. He was used to being the one to offer comfort and now he was among their number. Now he truly understood. He had felt so helpless unable to help and he never wanted to feel that way again. He would have gladly taken all of Warrick's injuries to stop him suffering. Nearly one year on and still his heart felt like it would never mend.
He remembered the first time he had seen Warrick in the lab. He'd only just moved to Vegas learning the beat of the city and Warrick had drawn his attention right away. Alive in the way the city was alive. He understood the city in ways many of the CSIs could only dream too and it was that energy that truthful pulse that had pulled Nick from the start. He'd started to fall before he had time to realise he had. But he'd let his ghosts shadow his every move. He'd been so scared to trust again and he'd hidden behind the reputation the lab had given him, making no move to correct it.
Without love, what is life?
He'd tried to give hints, and it wasn't as if Warrick hadn't known he'd cared they'd been best friends for years. And he had cared. A lot. More than he could have ever thought he could care. As scary as that was. Trusting people was easy for Nick but he was starting to learn that whenever he trusted people they threw that back in his face. His demons were slow to wake but once they were awake damned if he couldn't shut them up.
It had taken him and Warrick long enough to get to where they had been. So many things had been in the way. He should have known better. He, of all people knew how fragile life was, He should have been braver. He should have told Warrick more.
It wasn't like him to mess with emotion but after everything he had been skittish. He'd tired to show Warrick and he had said the words, just looking back he realised that it hadn't been enough. He'd let his demons cloud his judgement when he had promised himself he wouldn't. Warrick had been helping him through that. Understood Nick's demons better than anyone else and Nick knew he appreciated the effort Nick went to but Nick also knew that for once Warrick was the one ready for more, and Nick had the one unsure of how to give it to his lover.
And anyone who knew us both can see
The one person that meant more to him than anyone else in the world. He had wanted too, so badly but he hadn't been sure what to say, how to explain. He was good with emotion but he was slowly realising that after everything he wasn't good with his own. He could help everyone else as they shattered, but himself? After the Perspex box he had barricaded his emotions so he could function. He just wished he'd let Warrick know. That he'd taken down a bit more of the barricade.
Warrick had always been there, so patient and understanding and now he would never see his lover again and he had to close his eyes against the pain. He still remembered the funeral and he still wasn't sure how he had kept himself together without breaking down completely. He didn't know how he hadn't shattered into a million pieces when he was sure his heart had. He knew he had to keep the pain from rising otherwise he'd never control it and he'd never survive.
It hurt, even now. He missed his lover so deeply he couldn't find the words. It hurt because after everything they'd been through, everything they'd admitted to get to where they were, their time had been cut short. Their time together had been taken from them.
Warrick why did you leave me? Nick fought back tears and clamped down his jaw. Soon though he knew he would loose the battle. He was barely hanging on as it was. He still felt the helplessness of the day and knew now that he would taken all of Warrick's pain to save his lover having to bare it. Would have given anything to help him. If only he could have. He should have.
Woulda, Shoulda, Coulda… If Only…
We always were the better part of me
He shook his head feeling like the pain was going to drown him. His lover had died. He hadn't been there. All he'd had was his prayers and his despair when his prayers were unanswered. It wasn't enough he should have been there.
Catherine had asked him not two days ago about the chain she had seen hanging around his neck, something he wished he hadn't had to hide but never wanted to take off either. He hadn't really answered her, been deliberately evasive and changed the subject. He had a suspicion Catherine herself might know.
Few things got past her though he and Warrick had tried to be extra careful around her knowing that she had once had feelings for the dark skinned CSI. But as careful as they had been Nick was sure she had known, and more than that knew how important his ring was.
But now pulling out the chain with the beloved ring on it he knew it was more than that. After the shooting, after the case was done, after they had found Warrick's killer Nick had to face the fact that Warrick wasn't ever coming home again. He'd cleared out Warrick's things in a rage. A rage of despair.
He had known how unfair life was. He had faced the unfairness of life from the age of nine wondering what he had done wrong. And again stuck under the ground wondering if he would ever be free. Ever see the sky, ever be able to see his best friend again. His experience with the darker side of life had meant that his drive to help people was even more focused than before. He dedicated his life to helping others. He saw death on a daily basis his life revolved around it.
Warrick's had too but somehow he always seemed to shoulder the burden easier than Nick. He was the light in Nick's world. His shield against the darkness that often threatened to engulf him. And when Warrick hadn't come home it was like a damn had broken. His reason, his light had disappeared leaving only darkness. He had always known he would go on but he was in danger of becoming a shadow and watching his life pass by without him.
The only thing he had left of Rick, his lover, his life was a beach ball Warrick had once blown up, he couldn't bare to throw it out it had Warrick's breath in it. The last of his lover's life. The last breath in the world and the ring. The other half of a set. He had made sure the Mate to the pair had been buried with his lover. The last connection to Warrick and he couldn't bare to let go.
I never wanted to be this free
He looked down at the ring on the chain in his hand. His fist closed around it and he held it to his mouth and kissed it. It was almost a year. It didn't feel like it. He sometimes woke up in the night and reached for Rick's warmth only to go cold when he realised Rick wasn't there. Or woke up after a dream so real that he felt the loss like a physical blow when reality hit and the truth sunk in.
Wearing that ring would mean that a tiny part of the spark that Nick and Warrick had shared and the light Rick had once brought to his life would remain. He couldn't think of taking it off, not yet. He knew that if Warrick could see him now he'd probably be tearing his hair out. Warrick had always tried to live his life in the moment and had taught Nick to do the same. He would want Nick to move past the darkness, the demons that shadowed his every move. Logically Nick knew this wasn't what Warrick would want. Emotionally he just couldn't see past the pain to do anything about it yet.
Nick before Warrick had accepted Death for what it was and tried to move past that. He had strived to be the person people needed. Strived to live his life that way but then he had had Warrick and he never thought he'd have to loose Warrick either. Not now. The grief was like a sickness, a sickness that even a year on showed no signs of abating.
And if he wasn't truthful, and Nick always was he wasn't sure he was over it. He wasn't sure he would truly ever get over it. He figured it wasn't something that could just get over. It was something you weathered and faded with time. Always there but less painful. Nick just wasn't sure there would ever be a time that his heart would feel like it wasn't being ripped out. It certainly felt like it right now.
All this pain, does it go away?
It had taken him so long to admit that his feelings for his best friend were more than platonic and even longer to admit that he loved him. It had taken him so long to admit even to himself that that he had lost his chance. He had felt like he was finally ready after being buried alive. But then Warrick had changed the rules. He'd gone and gotten married. Nick had thought his heart had shattered.
But he'd been the friend his best friend had needed and done the same thing again when Warrick's marriage had started to fall apart even before it had begun. Still Nick hadn't made a move.
He smiled and remembered their first night together. Luckily for Nick Warrick had decided what he wanted and decided to take a chance. True to the gambling nature, He had pushed forward and gone for break. For that Nick was thankful because he knew he would have never made a move the role of best friend just too important for him.
Nick walked along the strip towards his ultimate destination and remembered his lover. He had been so happy. Then just as he thought he couldn't get any happier it had all crashed down around him. Nick pulled a hand through his short hair and looked around the strip. It pulsed with the life that had run through his lover. Despite some of his worst experiences being in Vegas Nick didn't regret moving here. He had the best friends he could want. And without the move he would never had met Warrick.
And Warrick would never be anywhere else. He pulsed in time with the city and Nick had always been drawn to the pulse. The city of sin was his home it had been Warrick's and the city suited them. Even if everywhere he looked he saw his lover's face and the striking green eyes. God, he missed his lover.
Then every time I turn around
The strip was the heart of Vegas and he and Warrick had used to come here on their time off before all hell had broken loose and now Nick walked the strip to feel the pulse. Feel the beat of the city when he was in pain. Where he could be in pain away from where people would be watching him. The strip absorbed his silent screams and no one was any the wiser.
There were times when he thought he was about to be ripped apart. There was an ache in his heart that refused to go away and no matter where he went it was always there.
He would be walking along the strip and he'd think for a moment he'd seen Warrick, his green eyes so intense they'd see right through Nick and then he'd be gone and the pain would be worse than before.
Rick had been his light. The one person that truly knew him. Saw his light and knew his secrets saw the darkness in him that he tried to hide and loved him anyway. The knowledge that Warrick would never again be with him was still hard to handle. He'd never hold his lover, speak to him, and see his smile again. He was gone forever and he wasn't coming back as much as Nick wished differently and wish he had.
They'd "celebrated" Warrick's life. Raised a glass for Rick but for Nick it wasn't enough. It wasn't nearly enough for the person who had stolen his heart and rode off with it. Now he had no hopes of ever getting back, not that he really wanted it back. Warrick could keep it. He'd collect it again one day.
He had stood stone faced at the funeral, watched as Warrick's ex-wife Tina and his small son Tyler received the flag and Horatio had promised himself he wouldn't cry. He would break down later, and he had. The moment Tina had given him the flag. Warrick had been an officer, a good CSI ad they'd given him a good send off, one he hoped that if Warrick could see it he knew he was well liked and respected. Although Nick was sure Rick wouldn't care about any of that. He never really had before.
He hadn't thought it possible to miss someone as much as he missed Warrick. He hadn't thought it possible to love someone as much as he had loved him. He'd never said it enough while Rick was alive but the pain proved just how much he had.
He was hurting but he refused to let himself feel the pain he couldn't afford too. This was his fault. He should have been there. He should have done so many things differently. Now it was too late. Now Warrick was gone.
Nick tried not to think of those last moments, of what Warrick must have felt and the fact that it had been Grissom and not him that was with him. He closed hi eyes and tried to think of him the last time they had been together at his house and they'd had kisses over wine and let the passion build slowly between them before letting it explode.
That was how he wanted to remember his lover but the knowledge that Warrick had died and he hadn't been there when his lover needed him. Hadn't been there like Warrick had for him weighed heavily on him. He had never felt so guilty.
And you're nowhere to be found
It was still so hard to think of his lover as gone. Even a year on he often found himself at Warrick's grave site talking to his lover or even in the bedroom they had shared. Talking about things that he could tell no one else. Warrick had understood more than anyone else.
"Hey Rick," He whispered when he finally finished the walk to Warrick's plot. A walk he could do blind folded. He brought his lover his weekly red rose. He placed it on the tombstone that marked Warrick's grave. In the early stages of their relationship Nick and Warrick had left trinkets and gifts all over for the other to find. Granted they generally weren't the best blood red roses but since they had done this before Nick saw no reason to stop. Even if the gifts had changed a bit it was still one of the things that made sense in a world that completely confused him.
"Brought another rose. It's the best. Don't roll your eyes at me I know you love them. Don't think I don't know you kept all the ones I brought you. Not that there were many. We were always more practical but I found them pressed." He smiled then sighed and knelt down by the gravestone touching the other flowers that were there. "I see Catherine is keeping the place tidy."
"Why did you have to leave me Rick, you know I'm lost without you." He said. "I thought we were going to tell them. I thought you wanted them to know. God knows I did. I'd have done anything for you."
"I know life isn't fair, but at the risk of sounding like a child this really isn't fair." He touched the tombstone and closed his eyes. He knew he wasn't the easiest person to understand but Tim had made it easy.
Even now he could see his lover stood with his hands in his jeans pockets and his head cocked to one side and looking at him saying, "You need a break Nicky. Come on let me take you out. We'll grab a drink at bar." Nick could see his smile and his hand held out to his Nicky as he offered him that break and often hot sex afterwards. God he missed the feel of his lover beside him. Around him. there were times when he didn't think he'd survive.
I know I got a long, long way to go
Before I can say goodbye to you
He smiled thinking about it and it eased the pain a little but. "So I'm still at the crime lab. I'm still holding it together. Trying to make sure Catherine doesn't run herself into the ground." He sighed. "Griss is gone. The new guy is okay. Not great but okay. But I guess things change. He missed you. He couldn't live with what he saw Rick. In the end he just… ran away. God how am I meant to hold it together when I feel like everything is shattering around me?"
"I'm still watching for G, he's been a rock and he says hi by the way." He touched the stone again. "Some things just don't change while other things will never be the same." He whispered.
"Catherine is coming regularly. I wonder what she'd say if she knew about us?" Nick shook his head. "I'm not sure she doesn't know already. I'm still waiting to be hit in the shoulder. I mean Greg just rolled his eyes when he caught us. He'll be by later did I already say that? Doesn't matter. He'll be by anyway."
He looked up at the sky. "It's such a clear day today. I've just come from the strip you always loved that buzz didn't you. I've been to see Tyler this week. I don't know what you were thinking talking Tina into making me Godfather but thanks. He's a good kid and I swear he won't ever forget you babe. He won't."
Oh, I got a long, long way to go
Before I can say goodbye to all I ever knew
To you, to you
He looked again at the clear blue sky and thought of all the things he had done with Warrick. He remembered how if they had time they'd watch the sun rise as they finished work. He remembered how Warrick's skin used to glow in the sunlight.
On their days off they'd sometimes rise to watch it, kisses hot and passionate under the rising sun. Warrick's eyes had glittered beautifully in the early morning sun and now, when he looked at it he was alone. It didn't feel right. His house was too big, too empty. Just like his heart.
Every little thing reminded him of Warrick and he had never thought he could love like he had. He never thought he could trust enough. But Warrick had known all his secrets and loved him anyway. He had had relationships before but nothing compared to what he had had with Rick. He never imagined that one day he would turn around and Warrick wouldn't be there.
Why had he never told Warrick enough? The words had been so hard to say. The thoughts filled him with anguish.
From memory, there is no hiding place
Turn on the TV and I see you there
He put his head in his hands in a rare show of emotion out in the open. Where he was alone. He had never told Rick enough, ever done enough to make sure he knew. He had been Nick's everything and probably always would be. He could never see the hole in his heart being filled. The pain was so intense Nick couldn't see how it ever could be right again.
He knew he would have to be sooner or later. Vegas needed him at the top of his game and right now he knew he wasn't there. He knew he would have too sooner or later. His job demanded it.
He knew he was the most social in the lab and his people skills were needed. He just wished that there was someone who had the people skills he did. He wished now he had cared less again Vegas and more about his lover. About how their next date was going instead of how he was going to solve the next case.
In every crowd there's always someone with your face
Everywhere, trying not to care
But really, if he allowed himself to think straight, in reality he knew Warrick had been the same. That was why when they had finally gotten together they had worked. They both understood the pull of the job and were able to pull the weight in their relationship and make it work. Still he found himself wishing he had spent more time.
He knew that his job was important; his job had made him everything he was today. He knew without it he would never have met Warrick. That meant everything to him despite the pain. He wasn't going to deny that being a level three CSI was a part of him, a part of him he could erase but now it was too late, now he had realised Warrick was more than that. He had meant everything and more.
He had known the dangers of the job the same as everyone else, more than anyone else. But he had grown used to the team managing to achieve the impossible. It hadn't seemed possible that this would ever happen.
The danger and the darkness that Warrick had helped chase away after his burial were now back again closer than before. God. He missed his lover. He should have been there and he hadn't been. He hadn't been there when Warrick needed him most. The pain nearly sent him to his knees.
The one person that had truly made him happy. Warrick had been the light of his life. Cashed the darkness away and made the life he had made in Vegas more bearable with him running from demons both long and recent past. Now Nick wasn't really sure what he was doing. His heart had died the moment Warrick's had stopped breathing.
How did you live when the person that give you life had had theirs taken from them? That was the struggle Nick dealt with daily. And if he was truthful it wasn't something he didn't have the answer too. He didn't think he would ever have a good enough answer. He had lost the one person he loved most in the world too soon.
Then every time I turn around
And you're nowhere to be found
Nick thought about Rick all the time. He thought about the day he had lost his lover, more than he knew he should. But the thoughts haunted his dreams and even when he was awake. He had not been there. He hadn't wanted to let go. Hadn't wanted to believe it.
He couldn't let go he knew he would always love Rick didn't think there would ever be a time he didn't think of him. Nick found himself wincing as he thought about. It had been almost a year and still sometimes it just didn't seem real. He still expected Rick to walk through the door of the trace lab and demand to know who had been messing with his evidence. It was all just wrong.
His heart felt like it was being ripped apart.
I know I got a long, long way to go
Before I can say goodbye to you
Oh, I got a long, long way to go
Before I can say goodbye to all I ever knew
He knew he would have to leave soon but it got harder to leave every time he came. He knew he was being idiotic but he felt like he was abandoning his lover every time he walked away. Standing by his lover's grave in the bright sunshine, and especially early morning, their time of day, and so Nick's favourite time of day, the pain didn't seem so soul crushing.
He regretted that he had never gotten the chance to tell their friends. At least to have them all know. To tell them that he was with the one person he planned to be with for the rest of his life. If he could he'd go back to that moment and stand in the way. He'd stand in the way or somehow get Warrick back to the lab. Rick would have been pissed but he'd be alive. Nick would take pissed over dead any day.
He had been pleased they had a case to run, a case to solve. It had kept his mind focused though it wasn't until afterwards it truly hit him. It wasn't until afterwards he faced what the end of the case had meant.
He would never see Warrick again. Would never touch him again. Never see him in the lab arguing good naturedly with Grissom and keeping Greg in line. And not forgetting the gentle but harmless flirting with Catherine. So much had changed. Nick's lover was gone and he wasn't coming back no matter how Nick wished differently.
To you, I wish you everything
And all the best that life can bring.
He'd never hear his lover's smooth voice or hear him mumbling to himself or cursing under his breath when piecing together the puzzle. But, the most important and most painful realisation he had had, that didn't happen until after the funeral was that Nick would never get the change to tell Rick just how much he had loved him. Just one more time.
He'd been such a fool; he knew more than anyone else that life wasn't definite. But he had been drunk on love and forgotten. Rick had his heart and he hadn't made sure that Rick knew exactly what he meant to Nick.
Foolish. One of the worst mistakes he had ever made. Rick had had his heart for so long and he wasn't even sure Warrick had known. Nick was so used to Warrick letting him take it slow. He should have said. Should have been braver, pushed himself. But he hadn't. Now it was too late. He prayed wherever he was now he knew and he was listening.
I only hope you think of me sometimes, oh
And even though I feel the pain
He still found it hard to walk along the strip, hell any of Vegas, and not find anything that reminded him of Warrick. Rick had truly left his mark on Vegas and on Nick. Vegas had been his sanctuary as had Warrick. Now he drove around it's streets and he couldn't stop the loneliness knowing Warrick wasn't there.
He saw other couples walking down the street and was almost jealous of their happiness. He wanted that back again. But he wanted it with Rick something he knew he just couldn't have. How could you survive with this much pain?
He closed his eyes and remembered the first time Warrick had approached him. It hadn't been long after his marriage to Tina as short-lived as it had been, had fell apart. Warrick had put his heart on the line and then practically jumped him. Nick hadn't known what to say. Not in a million years had he expected those turn of events.
He had always been content to be Warrick's best friend. He'd resolved himself thinking that was all he was allowed. Warrick had started to back away thinking he'd made a mistake and Nick had had to make a decision. If he let Warrick walk away now they'd never have another chance. Warrick hadn't made it to the front door.
They'd watched a game, had take away and talked some and then ended up making out on Nick's sofa. They'd quickly moved it to the bedroom and neither of them had looked back.
A year later Warrick had bought them the rings, just for them. He'd told Nick that as far as he was concerned this was it for him. Nick had felt the same way but he had been unsure how to bring it up. Warrick hadn't been long out of another relationship. Yet again his lover had surprised him and Nick had adored him for it. He'd never forget the look on Warrick's face when he had accepted the ring or the night that followed it.
Or the absolute elation he had felt when he had seen Warrick in the lab the next day and saw the glint of the ring on its chain the next day. Warrick had caught him half way through the shift and kissed him senseless in the changing rooms having seem the ring around Nick's neck. Nick had been more than happy to let Warrick have his kisses.
That was how he wanted to remember Warrick but sometimes the memories were so painful now Rick wasn't there. All he had now was yesterday. And memories. It wasn't enough. Would never be enough.
I know that I will love again
The time will come, oh, and Ill move on
I got a long, long way to go
Nick squatted down beside the grave stone not caring that he had been here far longer than he had wanted to be. He much preferred to talk to Rick on the strip or in the desert, now here, not where Warrick didn't being but he was here now. He'd stay a while.
He didn't really spend a lot of time at the cemetery it still seemed so wrong that Rick should be here. It was a good place to think though and he needed to be close to Warrick. He missed him so deeply. Needed to be close to him in the quiet away from the buzz of Vegas just for a minute.
He was at work later, he'd debated going in early but he knew he needed to be at his best. Something he was most defiantly not at this moment. He had to be what the victims needed, what they deserved. He couldn't be what they needed right now and he knew it. He also could be in the buzz of everything right now. He needed a minute and the house held no appeal for him.
Too empty, and too many memories. He'd tried to forget them for all the good it had done. He still saw Warrick everywhere and heard his voice, missed his touch. While the natural buzz of Vegas often helped Nick control the pain there were other times, like now that it was all too much.
Other times he'd go to the buzz walk along the strip go in the casinos, another way to be close to his lover, to immerse himself in the city that his lover had loved so deeply. That and flying along roads at top speed. He and Warrick had let rip in their cars along long roads and teased each other about their hidden speed demons.
Before I can say goodbye to you
Oh, I got a long, long way to go, got a long way to go
Before I can say goodbye, before I say goodbye
To all I ever knew, to all I ever knew
Nick sat down on the grass and looked at the gravestone. If he concentrated enough and pretended he was somewhere else he could almost feel Warrick there wrapped around him. He wished he'd told Warrick more. Wished…
He hadn't done it enough in Rick's life he knew that now. He had thought he had time. He had gone slowly. He knew how he felt but he hadn't made sure Warrick knew that. He tried to make sure that if Warrick could see he would not doubt it now. But it was too late now.
He still felt compelled to do it. Nick had never been a great believer in God, not easy growing up in a religious household. He had tried to keep his faith at first but now it was lost. Probably been lost in his bedroom at nine years old. Even when he tried to find it so many times afterward. Lost his faith when his pleas to God had gone to make it stop were unanswered. God expected too much from a nine year old boy.
Nick was young when he realised God must have given up on the Nick Stokes. He'd tried to re-find his faith so many times in his life but how could he believe in God when if there was one he allowed nine year old boys to suffer so terribly and keep suffering.
How could he believe in God when he had finally found the person he loved more in the world and now he had been taken from Nick just as he was finding his way. And that was why Nick always failed to find the faith he knew he had once had. There was no God. There was only destruction and those who choose to fight it.
Nick had never told anyone though he knew his father knew. Finding out years later when she had been caught and ended up in his father's court room. He'd been a freshman in college by then and his father had turned up at his college dorm.
He'd pulled Nick against his chest and it felt to Nick like he would never let go. His dad had explained what had happened. He never asked outright but he got Nick the help he needed to start and put the demons behind him. He had never been more thankful to his father, and so started the close relationship that lasted even now.
Nick had never talked about it but it was one of the reasons he had felt the need to leave Texas and another reason his father had never argued. And persuaded Nick's mothers and older sisters that this was what Nick needed to do.
He needed to find his way and find his own way of fighting the bad guys. And he had finding light in the dark. Warrick, his best friend, his lover had only added to the light first as a best friend and then a lover. Now he had lost him. The knowledge was almost too much to bare.
Nick looked down as he felt tears leaking down his face. His heart ached. Why was nothing simple? Why was he not allowed his happy ever after? After everything he had been forced to endure. Why did he have to loose Rick? He looked at the sun so serene a complete contrast to the rolling emotions of anguish, anger and loss inside of him.
Now as he looked at the same sun and he prayed, he prayed though he had lost his faith that wherever Rick was he was safe and he understood. Horatio had been full of Darkness with so many ghosts but he prayed that Warrick knew. That he had loved him with everything he had and that Nick was sorry he hadn't been able to protect him like he should have. That he hadn't been there when he needed him. When he should have been.
I got a long, I got a long, long way to go, long way to go
Before I can say, before I say, goodbye to you
Say goodbye, say goodbye
Oh, I got a long, long way to go
Nick looked up at the sky and then across the cemetery where the sun was beginning to sink. He closed his eyes and his heart ached.
"Tell him I loved him won't you?" He whispered to the angel that was stood by the gravestone. "Tell him I loved him with everything I was. Everything I had to give." The wind picked up and he lifted his face to the wind. He thought about it for a minute and said, "Tell him that I still love him and he can keep my heart. I don't want it back. Tell him I still live him with everything I have." He felt the wind pick up and he felt like almost like a caress on his face and sighed.
How was it possible to miss a person so much? It made his heart want to bleed with loss. He had never been someone to wish for the impossible but he had caught himself wishing so much over the last year he wondered if he would ever stop.
He watched as the sun began to sink further and knew he would have to leave soon but couldn't bring himself to leave just yet. He watched as the colours of dusk danced across the sky and knew it was going to be one hell of a sunset tonight. Warrick would have loved it and he remembered all the sunset's they had watched from their windows before hitting the strip for a night of mayhem.
Damn it everything reminded him of his lover. He drew a shaky breath. He would have to leave soon. "I love you Rick. I hope you know that." He whispered it to the wind almost inaudible though there was no reason for him to be so quiet.
He stood after a moment intent on making his way back to his car. "Remember what I said Rick. I meant it." He turned from the grave, dusting off any loose mud and making sure his sunglasses were in place. He really wasn't in the right frame of mind to be facing anyone without them. He had to leave, even if right now it was the last thing he wanted to do. His heart ached to much to torture himself by making himself stay.
He was almost out of the cemetery and back at the car when the light seemed to dance across the trees and the sun seemed to freeze in it's place just touching the top of the trees. The light seemed to dance across the cemetery bathing it in a beautiful purple light.
Nick looked around expecting to see the whole area covered in the light but that wasn't the case. He smiled as he saw the first tints of pink and purple dancing across the line of trees. The play of colours was truly beautiful. He smiled and continued to walk the sun covering the trees like a blazing halo.
At that moment he heard laughter. Deep voiced laughter. Nicky! Nick froze his eyes wide behind his sunglasses. It couldn't have been, it was just his heart playing tricks on him. He was just missing his lover far too much. It wouldn't be the first time. Today he was obviously feeling it more than before.
He started to walk forward again when he heard laughter again, and again he heard his name. Nicky! He shook his head. It couldn't be. But Rick's voice washed over him like a caress. He promised himself he wouldn't turn back but he found himself slowly spinning around anyway.
He hadn't want to he was too used to the harsh realities of life to believe in something but he couldn't stop himself.
Before I can say goodbye to all I ever knew
Girl, I wish you the best I know, oh and all of the rest, to you
His heart froze as he stared. Back where he had been sat, right by Rick's grace the sun glowed on the outline of a person.
"Nicky!" The person seemed to wave at him and a wave of happiness and longing washed over him.
He choked on the tears he'd tried to keep down all day. "Warrick." He whispered. He watched as the figure seemed to put his hands on his hips and nod. Then the voice came again, "who else? Where you expecting anyone else? Should I be jealous?" Warrick's laughter washed over him. "I love you Nicky." Nick swallowed the lump in his throat.
"I'm sorry." He whispered. "God, Rick. I'm so sorry. I wasn't there. I'm so sorry." Nick felt his voice break. "Don't feel guilty for something you couldn't have changed. This was not your fault. Do not ever think that."
Nick shook his head. "That doesn't make it easier. I should have been there. You were my life I should have helped you. I should…" He trailed off. Nick felt the tears he had tried to hold back falling down his face. "God Rick. I', so sorry I never told you enough. I never told you all of what I wanted to say…"
"Nicky," Warrick's voice was like a caress was like a caress across his cheek. "All that matters is that I love you. And I will be waiting for you. Always." Rick offered him a smile, the smile that made his green eyes dance like emerald. The smile that was just for Nick.
"I'll be watching you."
Warrick took a step towards Nick and the dancing sunlight caught something around his neck. Nick's heart leapt when he realised it was the ring. Warrick had it still. Nick gripped his own through his shirt.
"I'll be waiting for you, but it's not your time. I love you." Warrick took another step forward and said, "Please Nicky don't feel guilty. You could have not stopped it. I don't blame you. I would never blame you. I love you."
"Rick babe, I never told you…" "I always knew how could I not?" Rick said with a blinding smile. "You loved me with everything you were the same as I did you. I still do. And I'll wait for you." Then Warrick was gone but the Sun seemed to wink at him. Nicky turned and left the beach his heart lighter than it had been in weeks.
The pain of losing Rick would never truly go away, he knew that. But he also knew now that he couldn't dishonour Rick's memory by not living what life he had left.
His encounter with Warrick might not have been reality but it had felt real. That was what mattered. As he left the cemetery he felt his heart soar. He had loved Rick with all he had in life and he still did in death. And one day he knew they would be together again but now he knew it wasn't his time.
At least not yet.
Nick left the cemetery and returned to his family, a dysfunctional family that had so many arguments it was hard to keep up but they accepted him as he accepted them. And as night fell a star winked down at him from the sky waiting for the day he would see him again.
Warrick may have lost Nick now but he knew he would see him again one day. They would be together again one day. There was plenty of time for that. He had forever.
And for his Nicky, for his lover, his everything Warrick Brown would wait forever.
I got a long, long way to go
Before I can say goodbye to you