Disclaimer: The lack of hot PainKonan lovin' in canon should be conclusive proof that I don't own Naruto.
Pairing Warning: Implied PainKonan.
It's the Thought that Counts
"What is this?" Deidara examined the lumpy package that was sitting at his place on the kitchen table.
"It's a Christmas gift, Deidara-senpai!" Tobi's hands were clasped in front of his chest, and Deidara could have sworn he saw Tobi's eye sparkling through the hole in his mask.
Deidara glared. "I'm warning you, yeah, if this turns out like your attempt at a birthday gift..."
Tobi waved his hands frantically. "No, no, no, Deidara-senpai, I'm sure you'll like this one!"
Deidara's suspicious expression didn't change one bit, but he began to slowly unwrap the package. When he got all the paper off, he stared silently at the object within for a few moments. The other members of Akatsuki braced themselves for an impending explosion, but then a huge grin split Deidara's face.
"This is really high-end clay, yeah! The best art clay in the Five Countries! You guys are not gonna believe the quality of art I can produce with this, yeah!"
The other S-rank criminals glanced at each other in confusion. Deidara wasn't trying to blow Tobi to kingdom come? Deidara was actually happy with something Tobi had done? Clearly, the world was coming to an end.
Tobi bounced over to stand behind Hidan's seat. "I got you something too, Hidan-senpai!"
Hidan glared at Tobi as he ripped the paper off his gift. "Why the hell do you expect me to celebrate some stupid heathen..." His voice trailed off as he saw what Tobi had bought him. (Or stolen for him, more likely. They were a criminal organization, after all.) "Whoa. A tanto. I bet I could disembowel someone real good with this!"
Tobi practically glowed with happiness. "I'm so glad you like it, Hidan-senpai! Kakuzu-senpai, you should open yours next!"
Everyone else held their breath. Kakuzu was not a Christmas enthusiast. He was, in fact, the only person in Ame known to have said "Bah, humbug!" in real life. Last year, he had thrown Tobi out a window for serenading him with a rousing rendition of "Hark, The Herald Konan Sings". So it was understandable that the other Akatsuki members were making sure that they wouldn't be between him and Tobi when he opened the package in front of him.
Kakuzu's gift was small and rectangular, so he held out hope that it would be something sensible, like a stack of money. Carefully opening the package, he was rewarded by the sight of a soft leather wallet.
"Do you like it, Kakuzu-senpai?" Tobi was bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet. "I know you love money, so I thought you'd like to have a nice place to put it."
Kakuzu grunted. He didn't say "thank you," but he didn't try to kill Tobi either, which in Kakuzu-speak meant that he liked the gift.
Zetsu sighed and decided there was no point in putting off the unwrapping of his own gift any longer. However, he was confused to see that there was no gift at his place at the table. "Tobi, did you not get me anything?" his white side asked.
"You really shouldn't insult me like that. I might eat you," his black side added.
"No, no, no! It's not like that at all! I just couldn't wrap your gift, because it would die!"
"You got him a living gift?" Kakuzu asked in an incredulous tone. Horrible visions danced through his head of Zetsu being presented with a puppy. And then eating the puppy, because he was Zetsu.
"Yes, that's exactly right! Hold on, let me go get it!" Tobi sprinted from the room, then dashed back just as quickly, cupping a small potted cactus in both hands. "Do you like it, Zetsu-senpai? Do you?"
"Yes, Tobi," Zetsu answered, smiling with both sides of his face. "I like it very much." He promptly snatched the cactus out of Tobi's hands and began cooing to it, which the other Akatsuki members found very disturbing.
Next, Tobi moved to stand beside Kisame. Given the apparent success of the earlier gifts, the ex-Mist-nin was less apprehensive than he would ordinarily be. Ripping the paper open, he revealed...
"A sushi-making kit?"
Oh, that brat's done it now, yeah, Deidara thought to himself. He gave the guy who's basically half-fish a kit to eat fish with? That's gonna go over well, yeah.
To Deidara's surprise, Kisame grinned. "Thanks, Tobi!"
"What? How does that make sense? Sushi is fish, yeah, and you are a fish!"
"I share certain traits with sharks," Kisame corrected. "While sharks are a type of fish, fish is also what their diet primarily consists of. Sushi is actually one of my favorite foods."
"I still think it's weird, yeah," Deidara muttered under his breath.
"This from the guy with mouths on his hands," Kisame retorted.
"Guys, please don't argue!" Tobi pleaded. "It's Christmas! Besides, Itachi-senpai hasn't opened his gift yet!"
Now this, Kisame was apprehensive about. He didn't think anyone in Akatsuki would ever forget Tobi's attempts to train one of Itachi's summoned crows as a "seeing-eye bird."
Itachi turned the package (wrapped in red paper with green holly leaves printed on it) over in his hands a few times before meticulously unwrapping it. "Ah," he said. "It's a scroll of secret fire jutsu from the Wind Country. Thank you, Tobi-kun."
"You're welcome!" He hurried over to Itachi, who backed away slightly. Tobi had affixed a sprig of mistletoe to the front of his mask, and no one wanted to get too close to that. "I remembered you have an affinity for fire jutsu, so I figured it would be perfect!"
"Wait," Kakuzu interjected. "How did you get your hands on a forbidden scroll from the Wind Country?"
"I captured a Sunagakure spy and tortured him for the location of the scroll, of course!"
"Riiiiight," Hidan said. "Like you could ever be a competent shinobi. Moving on to the realm of reality, what'd ya get Pain and Konan?"
A single gift sat in front of the Akatsuki leader and his partner. "I hope you don't mind I didn't get separate gifts for you," Tobi said in a painfully earnest voice. "But you two are so close, I wanted to get you something you could enjoy together!"
The Akatsuki were, quite frankly, astounded. Tobi, who, as Deidara was quick to point out, could screw up making cereal, had actually chosen gifts for his comrades that they would enjoy. They were starting to wonder if this was really the same Tobi they'd all gotten to know and not quite love. Maybe they would actually have a normal holiday season, for once.
While they were contemplating this apparent paradox, Pain and Konan were busily unwrapping their gift. It was clearly a book, but none of the other members were properly positioned to see the title or cover picture.
"Tobi," Pain said, his face an emotionless mask, "why did you get us a copy of the Kama Sutra?"
"Well," Tobi began to explain, "I can't help hearing the noises from your room at night sometimes, and it seems like you really enjoy doing that, so I figured I'd get you something that would help you find new ways to enjoy it even more!"
An awkward silence descended on the room, and as always, Tobi considered it his solemn duty to fill it. "Besides, I think that some of the other members could get use from it too. It could help form a stronger bond between the partnerships."
"A stronger-what-" Deidara sputtered.
"I'm sure Hidan-senpai and Kakuzu-senpai could find some interesting ideas in there," Tobi chirped. "And some affection from his partner might cheer Itachi-senpai up too!"
And thus, the Akatsuki's hope for a peaceful Christmas staggered to a halt, coughed up a copious amount of blood, and keeled over dead.
"WHY YOU LITTLE-I AM GONNA TAKE THIS TANTO AND SHOVE IT-" Hidan's face was bright red and he was holding his new tanto high.
"What did you just say?" Kisame unsheathed Samehada, being careful not to accidentally meet Itachi's eyes, which were trained on Tobi.
Four angry Akatsuki members advanced towards the masked missing-nin, who quickly turned and fled down the stairs. Itachi, Kisame, Hidan, and Kakuzu set off in hot pursuit, while Deidara and Zetsu followed curiously in their wake.
Konan sighed. "I suppose I should go make sure no one actually gets killed," she said. Pain didn't respond, causing Konan to turn and look at him. "Are you...actually reading that?"
Pain smirked. "I never said that I didn't like his gift. I think he's right that it could be...useful...for us."
Konan returned his smirk and replied, "Well then, why don't we go and test it out." She cast a glance out the window, where she could see Tobi fleeing across a frozen-over river, with his murderous comrades close behind. "At least this time we won't have to deal with Hidan and Deidara listening at the door-I think our subordinates are going to be otherwise occupied for quite a while."
A/N: Happy holidays to all!