Mostly harmless?

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters.

"Arthur…"

"Mm?"

"Did you used to be taller?"

"Tall was never an adjective I considered using in connection with myself. I am, perhaps, slightly more vertically challenged than I used to be. It's one of the short comings the human aging process, which you would know if any of your co-workers had ever updated that entry."

"Oh Zarquon, you're not still bitter about that are you?"

"…"

"Well, you can hardly expect anyone to improve it now! They've got nowhere to collect the information from. In case you had somehow missed it in your tea-obsessed trance, the Earth, the universe's leading producer of the human species, has been destroyed to make way for a…"

"You could."

"What?"

"You could update it! You've got me and Trillion to study."

"Really?"

"Yes. Why not?"

"Among other things, you two have been significantly altered from your natural state by a great deal of time spent in space and frequent use of the improbability drive."

"We haven't used that thing for ages. Not since Marvin tried to explain to the ship's mainframe about oceans."

"Oh yeah, I'd forgotten. I don't think I've ever seen a ship actually strangle itself to death with its own jump leads before…It was definitely an interesting experience…"

"Interesting? It took us four weeks to get another cup of tea hot enough to restart the damn thing! And you remember what happened when it finally did start working?"

"I have to admit, being a brightly striped canvas bag wasn't really the high point of my existence but…well, that's just what I'm talking about! You can't tell me that you and Trillion have gone through things like that time and time again and be unchanged by it!"

"True…but we're the best you've got."

"Yes. I know. That's just what unmotivates me to write the damn article."

"What? I think I might be insulted!"

"You're not. That's just the effect of the hyperspace jump. And what I meant was that if I start trying to document you two then, by the time I'm finished, I will loathe the two of you completely and utterly. It's a sad fact of the universe but there it is. Q.E.D."

"That's nonsense."

"No it isn't. Look up –ology in the book."

"Which –ology?"

"Just –ology."

"Alright."

Ology – the painstaking process required to develop a deep dislike for the subject in question. The condition can sometimes prove fatal, for either the subject or the –ologist, and is substantially worsened by the addition of maths teachers or the genus Numerous Gitius. The symptoms of an ology can be treated with a course of humorous doodles and the development of spit-bombs and paper aerolanes.

"I never trusted that book."

"Why not?"

"Earth is not "mostly harmless"."

"No, you're quite right."

"…I am?"

"Yes. That entry does need changing."

"It…does?"

"Yes. It's gone back to just being "Harmless"…Ow! Throwing electronic encyclopedias at my head is not the answer Arthur!"

"No. The answer is forty-two. We established that already. Remember?"

"I try not to."

"Throwing books at your head is merely a useful distraction."

"Arthur…"

"Mm?"

"Shut up."

A/N: so…will Ford cave and write an entry about Arthur and Trillion? Well you'll just have to wait and see won't you. Next chapter won't all be dialogue. But I'm right in the middle of exams at the moment so the next chapter might take a while. Those who read and review can all have cookies and positions of command when I rule the universe:bribes: mmmmmmmmuniverse :thleurp!