To my readers - well I am back; just like I promised I would be :) I just wanted to thank you for being so patient with me. In the future I promise I will not be posting anything unless it is finished. I think that I have gotten back in to my groove - so here's hoping lol. I love you all to bits and I appreciate all of you for waiting around for me and sticking by me. With that said, I hope that you enjoy this new fic and that it was worth the wait. :)
DISCLAIMER - I DO NOT CLAIM TO KNOW THE HARDY'S OR ANYONE FAMOUS IN THIS FIC. So therefore; please do not take anything as truth in whole or in part. All character's belong to themselves, Drea and Phoebe are a work of imagination; any reference to anyone real is not intended. Thank you & Enjoy. And as always; please let me know if you want more :)
If you only knew!
Written By; Harley-Mac.
Date Started; 09/08/2009.
PROLOGUE;
A YEAR AGO; CAMERON, NORTH CAROLINA;
Drea's POV;
'My life as I knew it was over. Everywhere I turned there was reminders of everything that I had lost; photo's, little post it notes on the fridge, little nik naks that he had gotten me, his cloths were littered around the bedroom and the scent of his aftershave hung heavy in the air. Even his games console was still lying out where he had left it when he had headed towards his fate – a fate that no one could have foretold.
Why couldn't we have known?
Why couldn't we have been given some kind of clue that it was going to happen?
My husband, my confidant and my lover – Daniel, he had walked in to my life just when I had needed him. My life had seemed to spiral downwards; my feelings for my best friend were intense and scary but we had agreed that being friends was more important than being together as a couple. Hugging Daniel's shirt close to me; the scent of his Dunhill aftershave stuck to the shirt and my eyes were once again watering at the memories of when I had met him flooded my mind in a single wave so debilitating that it could have rivalled a tsunami.
My friends and I had been in City Limits in town, I was drowning my sorrows after having come to the agreement with Jeff about us remaining friends and nothing more. Daniel had been watching me from the minute that I walked in to the popular bar, he caged my mood and picked the right moment to come over and offer to buy me a drink. For the remainder of the night we had talked, laughed and spent the majority of the time on the dance floor. Without even knowing or trying; Daniel had taken my mind off the fact that my heart felt like it would never recover from the pain that shot through me when Jeff and I had agreed to just be friends. At the end of the night we exchanged numbers and when I got home – the phone rang; it had been Daniel saying that he couldn't stop thinking about me.
6 months later – we were married. It hadn't been a very big ceremony but that was exactly what Daniel and I had wanted. We weren't flash people and we didn't feel the need to be extravagant about what we shared. We went on our honeymoon to Aruba and had the most amazing time. Slowly Daniel took Jeff's place in my heart and I finally looked at my best friend as just my best friend. Daniel knew about me and Jeff and what we had felt for one another – he had never been bothered and as he always told me – he would make me love him. That was a promise that he had kept.
We had promised to love one another forever; we had claimed that we would never purposefully hurt one another and that we would always be supportive. I had kept all those promises – I loved him with all my heart, I never did anything that I knew would hurt him and I supported every decision that he made; even entering the army.
Looking back on it – it seemed funny that I had been so scared of him going off to war and getting killed – when I should have been more worried about him going out in our car in our home town. There was some form of lesson in there I was sure of it. My stomach began churning once again and I felt the need to be sick; but I just lay motionless in my bed with the covers over my head. The world held absolutely no interest for me anymore – there was no one out there who held the kind of love and support for me that Daniel had.
"You're awake," Jeff said from next to me and as I turned my head to look at my best friend; I could see nothing but concern flashing at me.
"Yep," I nodded sadly.
In one fell swoop everything that I loved had been snatched away from me and I couldn't understand the purpose of that. I didn't understand why Daniel had been taken away from me.
Had I done something bad to deserve this?
Was I really a bad person?
Question upon question seemed to press down on me so hard that I felt sick. My hands curled around the tiny bump that was mine and Daniel's first baby. My baby was going to grow up without a Father. I was going to have to raise my child alone and in all honesty I didn't know if I was really capable of managing something like that.
"Did you actually manage to get some sleep?" Jeff asked turning on to his side to face me and as I watched him; I couldn't remember his eyes being so green before.
"About an hour or 2 if I'm lucky!" I admitted honestly. "I just kept thinking about the funeral and how I am supposed to get through that – I don't know if I have the strength in me to -!"
"We're going to be right there sugar," Jeff replied grabbing my hand and holding it close to his heart where I was sure that I could hear the thundering beat of his heart.
I really didn't know what I would do without my friends – ever since we had been in school; Jeff and I had been best friends. Our connection had grown out of our love for wrestling and from there I was included in the OMEGA organisation that he and his brother eventually started. For years I would travel up and down the coast with them doing shows and wardrobe since they were men – they truly didn't understand the laws of fashion so I was the one in charge of all of that.
We had Matt and Jeff Hardy, Shannon Moore, Gregory Helms, Marty Garner – who was now known as the rapping wrestler or Cham-pain and Joey Matthews who was known as Joey Mercury. They were a great bunch of guys who always made me feel welcome – I had Shannon's girlfriend Claire with me, or his wife as she was now and that was how we met Matt's girlfriend – Brittany. In the beginning Britt and Matt had became friends in much the same manner as Jeff and I were; they were closer than anyone could have predicted. When we travelled they were together and I know that Matt helped her get away from her abusive ex.
Being Randy Orton's little sister – she was feisty and she had all the back up that she needed but when it came to her boyfriend she hadn't been able to tell anyone – except for Matt – what was happening to her. Matt had roped in Jeff, Shannon, Gregory, Marty and myself to head down to Missouri to get her things and get her away from the man. Matt was a good man and he had, had some bad deals when it came to women but it never made him give up and I admired that about him. Instantly he told Britt that she could live with him and they have lived together ever since but it had only been recently that they had gotten together.
Watching them together had been like watching something special from the beginning – because they had been so close as friends; the only natural progression in their friendship was them getting together as a couple. It was nice to watch them together – as a couple they had no secrets from one another because they were still best friends and they were so comfortable with one another that there was none of the awkwardness that comes from new relationships.
"Surely you have other things to do with your time -!" I began to object only to feel the soft touch of his finger on my lips.
My entire body caved in and I began crying again – I had thought that I had been completely cried out but no apparently there was still more inside me to come out and the minute that the sob escaped my mouth; I was being pulled against the powerful build of my best friend's frame. My head became buried in his chest as my tears seeped on to his naked chest and the tiny hairs began tickling my face but I was too far gone in my loss that I couldn't laugh like I usually did at how hairy my best friend really was.
"You know sometimes you can be completely dense," Jeff goaded me.
"Hey!" I scolded as I slapped his leg, which was about all I could move cos he had my arms trapped in the bear trap of a hug that he had pulled me into. "Cut me some slack – I have just lost my husband!"
"I personally think it's the blond hair!"
I had definitely shocked a lot of people when I had recently died my hair blond – after years of being darker than dark – it was a refreshing change to be honest. It was a new start for me – since I had just finished all my beautician studies and I had gotten my diploma in hairdressing too. I still managed to wrestle now and again but it wasn't as much as I would have liked – and now that I was pregnant I definitely couldn't be getting in the ring. I didn't want to risk losing this last part of Daniel that I had.
"Whoa – little tadpole is gonna be a wrestler – I can tell!" Jeff chuckled as the baby kicked at him.
I knew that he hadn't meant to upset me but my eyes clouded over again and the tears began to tumble from my eyes. Without saying another word, Jeff pulled me flush against him and rested his head on top of my own and remained silent; letting me get it all out.
I really couldn't have asked for a better friend – he had dropped everything and applied for personal time from his work so that he could be here for me, by my side and help me get through this. As always – he had managed to get under my skin and make me agree to him helping me out. Whenever there was something tragic going on with either one of us; the other would drop everything to be by each other's side. I wouldn't change that part of our friendship for the world; I knew that I could count on my best friend when I couldn't count on anyone else.
When I had called him – I had been so hysterical that I couldn't even talk to tell him what had happened. Last night he had told me that he had, had this feeling that I needed him and when I had called he had just been about to leave to come over to check that I was indeed ok. Our connection had always been as such – we were connected in ways that even Daniel had been aware of. Every time my husband went on deployment – he had said that he knew that if anything happened to him that I would be taken care of. At first it had hurt me to hear him talking like that because it made me feel like I was being unfaithful to him; but as time went by he had reminded me that it was more than ok because Jeff had been a part of my life long before he had and he never once gave me an ultimatum to chose.
"Little tadpole is gonna be a lawyer or a doctor I'll have you know," I whispered.
"Wow you've got high expectations of him already!"
"Who says it's gonna be a boy? -!"
"Coming from you – it has to be a boy or one hell of a tomboy just like her Mom!" He chuckled placing a light kiss to the top of my head.
There was no denying what he said – I had always and would always be a tomboy. I hung out with the guys because I felt comfortable and I didn't have to worry about any kind of backstabbing from them – what they thought – came out their mouths whether it offended or not. That was exactly the way I liked it. I much preferred the honest approach to beating around the bush anyway. What was I doing?
I was thinking about myself when my husband was lying on a cold slab in the morgue. I had yet to go and identify the body. That wasn't a prospect that I was looking forward too – it just made it feel way too real. I wasn't ready for that.
I couldn't admit that my world and life was over – I couldn't admit that he was really gone and that I had to go through the rest of my life alone and I couldn't admit that my child was going to grow up without a Father. It all seemed like something that I couldn't possibly ever get around to admitting. We had made so many plans and now those had been severed because he wasn't here – I couldn't possibly begin to do them alone because one of them included having a soccer teams worth of kids and we wanted to finally build our own home, we wanted to renew our vows and we had wanted to take another short honeymoon.
I was alone and I wouldn't ever get the chance to do those things – I just had to find a way to get through this and then worry about the rest of my life.
Jeff's POV;
I knew that this was the hardest thing that Drea had faced – she wasn't the type of girl who showed her feelings very often because she really was one of the guys but when she did – she only ever did it in front of people that she trusted and I had always been the one person that she trusted most in the world. And the feeling was very much returned on my part. I would trust this girl with my life if it ever came down to it.
It was hard to believe that fate had been so cruel and taken her husband away from her – and on their 2 year anniversary too. That had to be some kind of cruel cosmic joke – because there really was no other way to describe it or explain it.
For the past 2 days she had been lying in this bed refusing to get up – refusing to eat and talk. All she wanted to do was drink coffee, smoke cigarettes and cry. I was patient enough to know that it wasn't something that she could just get over – grief takes many forms and I guessed that this was the way that she was choosing to deal with her own. I could handle that – I had requested enough time off to be here with her and nothing would make me leave her alone.
I would be lying if I said that it had been easy watching her with Daniel – they had been sickeningly happy when it was supposed to be me that she was with. I didn't much understand why I had wanted to just keep her as a friend, especially when I had seen how loving and affectionate she was with Daniel. It had been a couple of months before she introduced us to him; which had given them plenty of time to get comfortable with one another and it had felt like a slap in the face as I realized that I had made the biggest mistake of my life in telling her that being friends was the best thing for us. For years I had hidden my feelings from her because I had thought for sure that she didn't look at me the way that I looked at her but when we met Brittany; she had mistaken us as being a couple because she said that it was in the way we looked at one another; which had just given me a sliver of hope that maybe she felt the same way.
Once Brittany had mistaken us as a couple – everyone else seemed to jump on the band wagon; teasing about how we were meant for one another and how perfect together we would be.
I knew that all of that had embarrassed Drea to the point where she had turned in to this shy creature around me – it wasn't something that I was used to seeing on her. Drea had always been very out going and opinionated about her believes. It was one of the things that I loved most about her. There was no stopping the energy that she had, there was no putting restraints on the woman that she was going to become and her Parent's had learned that the hardest way.
When Drea had told them that she wanted to wrestle – they had completely lost their patience with her. They had claimed that they were willing to put up with her tomboy tendencies but when she announced that she wanted to do something that could seriously hurt her – they had tried putting their foot down. Instead of her surrendering to their wishes and demands of what she was going to be; she had called me and asked if my Dad would be willing to put her up. Of course my Dad said yes; because he adored my best friend. I knew that he looked at her as one of the Family and she looked at him as if he were her second Father figure.
"Jeff?"
"Yeah baby girl?" Being younger than me, I had always called her baby girl – it was a name that she had hated when we were growing up but one that she loved now.
"I'm scared,"
"Of what?" I asked gently pulling back to look in her eyes.
It wasn't easy to hide the hurt and tears that were beginning to glisten. I couldn't even begin to imagine what she must be going through right now – all I could do was sit here with her and give her all the support that I could.
"Of doing this alone – what if I'm not a good Mother? What if I screw up? What if I can never get over his death?"
"Hey I don't want to hear that from you Andrea; you are going to be an amazing Mom; you have all the patience in the world; which you need to hang out with us, so a little baby is gonna be a walk in the park for you. And as for screwing up – that is so not gonna happen; you have all of us around to help you out and as far as getting over his death – it will take time but you'll get there I have complete faith in you,"
"I never thought that I would be left alone to deal with this – I never thought that I would lose him to something that we all do everyday. I had prepared myself for losing him when he was on deployment but just going out in the car; that hadn't even crossed my mind and now that it's happened; I'm scared that I'm never going to get past it -!"
At long last she was talking and it seemed to me that she wanted to say more, so instead of opening my mouth, I gently held her close and began rocking her back and forth supportively.
"For so long he has been my life and I came to rely on that; when I really shouldn't have. I can't think about getting through a whole day without him. It's like I can't breathe when I think about never seeing him again – it took me a long time to admit that I loved him but when I did; I knew that I did and I was glad for that but now it feels like I wasted too much time trying to make sure that I was sure about what I felt,"
In the beginning it had hurt like hell to watch Daniel touching her, kissing her, making her laugh, holding her, dancing with her and generally just supporting her – when deep down it truly felt like it was my job. It had been a job that I had been half doing up until that point anyway. We were always hugging one another, we were always holding hands, we were always one another's escape route if we were chatted up by some undesirable and we had always supported one another unconditionally. I hated Daniel for so long after I had first met him but then as Matt had explained to me – I had been the one who said that me and Drea were better off as just friends. I had absolutely no right to be acting like a petulant little child.
"I'm never going to wake up in his arms again – I won't feel the comfort that I always felt when I was being held by him. I'm never going to smell that aftershave that he wore again – well I will but it will only be on someone else or on his cloths. I won't ever wake up next to him again – I'll miss waking up warm and safe in the knowledge of him being there. I won't ever get to make love to him again – all I want is one last kiss; I just want to hold him once more – just one last time and I can't – I won't ever be granted that!" She sobbed into my chest.
Unable to say anything to make her feel better, I just rocked her back and forth. It pained me to hear her talking like this but I knew that she needed to get it out. The day of the accident; I had been pacing my house for hours because I had the strongest feeling or instinct – whatever you wanted to call it – to get to Drea's side. It was almost like I could feel the change in the air, something told me that something was happening to my friend and I needed to get to her side. Just as I had been about to leave the house, my phone had rang. I couldn't make out a word that Drea was saying because she was sobbing too hard and it was almost like she couldn't catch her breath. In a blind panic, I had driven like a lunatic to get to her side. The minute I saw her I knew that it had something to do with Daniel – at first I had been worried that he had just left her but deep down I should have known that he wouldn't even think about doing that.
Daniel had loved her like his life depended on it – there was absolutely nothing that he wouldn't do for her. All she had to do was smile and ask and he gave in immediately. Once I had accepted that they were going to be together, and I took the time to get to know Daniel; I knew that if I couldn't be the one who was with her – there really was no one better for her than Daniel. It was like looking in a mirror; I could see the same shine in his eyes when she was around, the same glimmer when someone just mentioned her name, I could hear the love in the tone of his voice and I could feel the love that he felt when he did things for her. There was no doubt that he would have been my choice for her. Drea deserved only the best from life and I would fight tooth and nail to ensure that she got that.
"I-I think that to-today is the-the day that I-I go-go to the morgue and Id-identify the body!" She suddenly said pushing away from me and sitting up; pushing the sheet back.
"You're sure you're ready for that?"
"I'm never gonna be ready Nero but I have to do it – so now is as good a time as any!"
There was rarely ever changing her mind when she made it up. Matt said that she was as stubborn as a mule; but I said that she was more stubborn than that. I loved that about her and instantly I was scolding myself once again – she didn't need me thinking about her that way right now. The loss of her husband was still fresh in her mind and here I was thinking about the things that I loved about her.
What a loser!
I just needed to remember that she was in need of a friend and I could be a friend to her. I could be anything that she wanted and I hoped that she knew that. I had no doubt that she would but as I watched her it was clear that there wasn't much else going on up in her head; other than the loss of Daniel.
I could understand that. I had to understand it because this was going to be an extremely tough time for her. She would need all the support that she could get and I wasn't going to let her down. I had always promised Daniel that I would take care of her if anything happened to him.
R/N - This will only be updated once a week until I have it finished :) I hope that you enjoy and want more :D
Harley
xoxoxo