Author's note: You will need a site to translate morse code at the end of the story because I'm evil and am going to make you translate for yourself ;)
All characters belong to Hasbro, no copyright infringement intended.
I wrote this in 2004 apparently but never posted it, so I'm throwing it up. Enjoy.
"Hellllllloooooo." A sing-songy voice came over the wrist com, it was unclear whether it was male or female.
"Sober Joe here." Breaker hated this duty. He swore to get Dialtone for beating him at ping-pong, thusly saddling him with the unenviable position of being the sober dispatcher on St. Patrick's Day when pretty much all the team was out carousing.
"Hey sweetcheeks, how about giving mama some sugah?" The same high pitch grated at his ears.
"Shut up Shipwreck. What do you want?"
"Well, there's a lot of things I want..." The sailor had obviously had a lot to drink, even for him; his words were clearly slurring. "But, I'd do wif just a ride to the next bar."
"Negative. If I'm allocating someone to pick your drunk ass up, you're coming straight back to base." Breaker's voice was no-nonsense, like a father scolding a child.
"No fair! You offer us chauffer service but now it comes with conditions? Of all the scabby, dirty tricks!" Shipwreck's voice was indignant, as if he were being wronged by the refusal to let him continue on his pub crawl into alcohol poisoning.
"Deal with it. You want a ride back to base or not?"
There was a pause, "Can I bring a date?"
Breaker rubbed his temples, "You know very well you can't bring a civilian onto base. I tell the greenshirt to take you both to a hotel."
Another pause. "'Don't ask, don't tell'. Can I just ask the driver to close his eyes or do I have to find a wig?"
A groan escaped him, he really didn't want to know that about Shipwreck, "Just get outside, someone will be by to pick you up soon."
The coms shut off and Breaker just sighed. This was going to be one hell of a long night.
"Hey sexy." Now this was a female, no doubt. He couldn't tell if it was Cover Girl or Scarlett. Hell, it didn't really matter. Either was fine.
"Sober Joe, at your service." He tried to sound suave and failed, at least managing to not crack his gum into the mic.
"What kind of services you offering a belle tonight, Breaker?" Definitely Scarlett. The southern accent was taking over now that she was drunk.
"Anything you want sweetheart." Gorgeous and unattached, just how Breaker liked 'em.
"What I really want is a cab back to base." Something about her accent just drove him wild.
"I can do better than that darling, I'll send a greenshirt over to pick you up, hell I might come personally!" He would just be doing his job, making sure she got home safely and that no bad men would take advantage of her drunken state.
A pause; he was really starting hate long pauses. "Uh. Ok. I have a teammate with me." She tried to sound professional, "He should get a ride home too." He heard a soft giggle and her whispering to someone, "Stop! We're going to get busted! Gotta play it cool."
Great, there went the available aspect of Scarlett that he always found so attractive. "No problem. Go out front, a driver will be there soon."
"Just how strict is the military on fraternization? I mean...Jaye and Flint," the words were muffled as laughter broke out in the background and someone tried to cover her com. There were sounds of a slight struggle and muffled conversation and then she was back, trying to keep from laughing, "Don't worry. Not an issue here. Fraternization bad. Just here with my buddy." He listened as she tried to shield her words from the com, "Stop kissing me there while I'm trying to lie! It's distracting!"
He couldn't help but snort out laughter listening to her end, only hearing deep rumblings of bass from her companion. He'd have to start a betting pool as to whom she was fraternizing with. "Don't worry Scarlett. I'm only using blind drivers this evening."
".... . .-.. .--."
"Sober Joe here, what do you need Snake Eyes?"
"... - ..- .--. .. -.. / .- ... ... . ... / - .-. -.-- .. -. --. / - --- / ..-. .. --. .... - / -- ."
"You better keep your hands off buddy! You're a lethal weapon and I don't want to have to bust you out of jail tonight!" Breaker's voice was threatening.
"-.. --- -. .----. - / -.-- --- ..- / - .... .. -. -.- / .. .----. -- / - .-. -.-- .. -. --. ..--.." A hand slapped the com in frustration and Breaker could hear the sounds of a bar cheering on a fight.
"I'm calling the police, you just keep dancing twinkletoes." He sighed as he contacted the police on another frequency. "Just get your ninja butt out of there without killing all the civilians, ok? Is that really too much to ask?"
".- ..-. - . .-. / .-- .... .- - / - .... . -.-- / -.. .. -.. ..--.. / -.-- . ..."
"It couldn't have been that bad, what did they do?"
".. / -.. --- -. .----. - / .-- .- -. - / - --- / - .- .-.. -.- / .- -... --- ..- - / .. - .-.-.-" Breaker couldn't hear tone in the beeps of Morse code, but he could feel the frustration of the ninja loud and clear. ".--- ..- ... - / ... --- -- . / -- . -. / .. -. / -.. .-. .- --. / .- .-. . / .-. . .- .-.. .-.. -.-- / -.-. --- -. ...- .. -. -.-. .. -. --. .-.-.-"
"The police are on their way. I'm sending a driver to get you too." He couldn't help but laugh a little at Snakes' predicament.
Breaker sighed as he leaned back and waited for the next call to come in. He wasn't sure whether to kill Dialtone or kiss him. At the very least he was going to end up with enough blackmail material to last him for years.