Everything seems to blur into one when you're addicted. Nothing matters but the next fix. Lovely feelings of numbness and euphoria, like nothing matters anymore and everything will be okay, fill your head. It feels like nothing will ever hurt again and you won't have nightmares. You love that feeling.
You hear a lot of voices, a lot of them that say that you're better than this. That you should be ruling over other trolls. That you should be killing everyone and crushing them to pulps and feeling their blood on your fingers. But you don't want to. You just want another pie, or maybe just to go out and stare at the ocean. You like this because it makes you look like you think deeply. Really you're just waiting hopelessly for your damn lusus that never comes home. You're not thinking about anything. You stopped thinking a long time ago.
When did you start feeling again?
You guess it started at the accident.
You and Tavros had been friends before then. Talking randomly every now and then and cracking jokes. Rhyming with each other. Looking back on it, that was probably a really happy time. Then, of course, that bitch of a spider had to go and throw him off a cliff. Saying something motherfucking ridiculous like "FLY, PUPA, FLY!"
You felt so upset for some reason when you heard. You never told anyone about it, but you had so many pies that you might as well have shoved your recuparacoon and drank until you drowned. The sadness didn't go away. You were so upset and confused. Why? Why weren't you numb?
You must have blacked out at some point. The next day you woke up by the ocean with big gashes over your arms. You were puzzled and kind of entertained. You called Karkat and thank god he helped. You didn't even hear his cursing and insults. You just sat there dumbly, staring ahead blankly. Things kind of meshed, words stopped making any sense. It was like he was speaking another language. Your head ached but at least you weren't upset anymore.
When you talked to Tavros again, he seemed so strangely upbeat about the whole thing. You wanted to scream and rip out all of Vriska's hair and strangle her with it. You ate a lot of pies again and passed out. You woke up on the floor curled up in a ball. Of course, he had no idea that these things were happening to you. He got used to your typing slowly becoming more unreadable, typos increasing, until finally you just stopped replying. He was really worried, and would always ask about what had happened, but you'd lie and say you fell asleep.
That was when you realized it. It was like someone just loudly honked a horn in your face right after you woke up. You were flushed. Red. You loved Tavros Nitram. It was kind of unsettling because you hated strong feelings, but this one felt so nice for a change. Did he feel the same way? Once, you even flirted with him. Of course his only response was a long, uncomfortable lack of communication. But that was okay, because you'd win him over…
Months go by. But they feel more like sweeps.
He is lying dead on the floor in a puddle of his own brown, shitty gutterblood, and you couldn't stop it. You're insane and pies aren't there anymore. Everything you knew was a lie. There are no miracles. You should have figured it out when Tavros lost his legs. Your composure is lost.
The voices are back. They sound sweeter now.
"Poor thing. Your poor gutterblood is dead."
"Why don't you go kill everyone? Teach them a lesson."
"Let us take over, dear. We'll fix everything."
"You'll never be upset again, friend, if you're alone."
You ought to have said no. You ought to have rejected the offer.
But you felt a surge of emotions again. You hated feeling. You succumbed.
You pick up Terezi's glasses from the floor. You begin to black out.
Honk.
You faintly remember sitting up somewhere high. Bows snap. People are dying. You don't know why they're dying. Your face stings because someone has cut it. Who's cut it? There are three dark lines of purple on your face. There is paint everywhere of so many colors. You don't know why, but there are three friendly looking heads of your friends following you around. You draw their faces all over the walls in the paint. Then you find more paint on your face and use that too. Honk honk honk honk honk honk honk.
:o)
Everyone is dead. You don't understand what just happened. You kiss Tavros's decapitated head's lips because you've never kissed him before. You always wanted to. But his eyes don't close- they remain rolled into the back of his head. His lips don't kiss you back- they are cold and unforgiving. You have gotten some brown paint on your face. All over your lips. How did that get there? Your hands are all stained. You kiss Tavros again. You tell him how much you love him. He doesn't listen. Why doesn't he listen?
You feel like crying or screaming or beating the shit out of him. But you can't do anything bad to him anymore. He's already dead. Kissing him again, you beg him to wake up. It isn't funny. You were kidding. You aren't flushed. No, you were, you totally are, you'll be together forever. Just come back. Please, oh god, Tavros, please. Please.
Tavros?
Tavros?
...Tavros?
You think you might have gone on the computer at this point. You don't really remember. You were mad again. You messaged someone. It was all their fault. Everything.
You have a hammer for some reason. There are heads everywhere. Heads heads heads. You think you might have hurt yourself but you don't know why you think that. There's paint absolutely everywhere. You ought to draw some more. You're wearing different people's things. Paint everywhere. You haven't painted in sweeps.
Suddenly everyone who isn't just a head is angry, and then they're not and Karkat is hugging you and saying it will be alright. You honk angrily at him. You want him to go away. He shooshes and paps your face. This is strangely comforting and then you feel okay again. Nothing matters. You are numb. You want a pie.
The scratch is soon. You know it is. You wait, with that lazy smile on your face, and pray with all of your heart that this is the end.
Tavros?
Tavros?
I'm coming, Tavros.
And I'll never let you go again.