Disclaimer: I believe I don't own Naruto in any way.
God of Cool.
Before we begin, I'm sorry if this causes any stir or upset in believers and worshippers of God. As you can see, I'm not religious in any way and I know next to nothing on the subject, but this story is pure and honest crack and irrelevant to anything – seriously!
hint: God of Cool is really a certain S.U (or U.S, depending on which way you look at it) in disguise.
A young girl sat at the long dining table on her own with only maids and butlers dotted around the room in preparation for her beck and call. This girl, Sakura Haruno, was the Princess and heir to a wealthy land. She was dining alone only because her father, the King, could never make it to join her for breakfast, lunch or dinner, but other than that, Sakura was enjoying her simple breakfast of a croissant and a cup of black coffee. She had so much choice: full English, jams, marmalade, yet she chose the easiest of them all.
Sakura picked at her croissant whilst dully flipping through the morning paper. She wasn't particularly paying attention, but she loved the black and white pictures that showed the going-ons of the outside world. But suddenly, a headline caught Sakura's emerald eyes.
GOD OF COOL WINS BID FOR VINTAGE DOC MARTENS AT A MILLION SQUID
She visibly perked up, her slouch suddenly becoming much more refined. She took another quick sip of her coffee before rushing out of the door, the doormen barely having time to open them for her. Her heels clicked on the marble floor as she excitedly made her way to the throne room.
'God of Cool!' she thought inwardly, 'He must be like, so cool…'
"Daddy, I've finally figured out what I want for my birthday!" A young Princess stormed into the throne room, pushing aside the guards who stood up-right in front of their King in order to protect him against assassins and the like. She ignored the protests by a flip of her hair and continued to stalk up to her father with an air of confidence (or cockiness…)
It may seem that this young girl would be like any other princess when it comes to appearances, but Sakura Haruno, despite residing in the Kingdom of Peace and Love, chooses to wear the apparel of a rock goddess – say 'Courtney Love' or 'The Runaways' any clearer? Shading her eyes were a pair of John Lennon styled sunglasses and her hair was a blonde, voluminous mess (but visible roots were growing out, hinting that her natural hair color was pink). She wore an oversized sheer shirt, black over-the-knee socks and a pair of killer Louboutins's with spikes protruding from each angle. She had heavy eyeliner circling her eyes and her lips were a dark red. She was beautiful in a twisted sort of way… but only if she hadn't that scornful expression adorning her dainty pixie face.
"Enlighten me, my daughter," her Father, the King, replied in a bored tone. He was sat on his throne, as was his job to do so all day, with his face resting on his hand. He was an old, graying man but his wisdom only served to hold a greater authority over the Kingdom. His golden crown was sat neatly on his head at a slight angle, and Sakura's matching tiara was… somewhere buried in her wavy, shoulder-length, puffed-up hair.
She cleared her throat confidently and listed all the things she wanted for her 16th birthday off on her fingers. "I want a moonbeam, sun set, unicorn and pixie dust for my birthday, daddy," she said confidently with an even sense of pride surrounding her.
"Well, that's fi-" her father started, but was intentionally cut off by his daughter.
"I'm not quite finished, daddy," she pointed a sharp glare at him, resulting in the King cowering slightly in his throne. "Please don't forget the main present – this one's the most important of them all... I want the God of Cool."
Her tone made it impossible for her father to say no. She hadn't asked for her present, she had demanded, be it only subtly, but the King definitely had not missed the undertone that spelt out 'if I fail to receive this present, very bad things will happen'.
The King visibly swallowed… hard. If anyone could cause the ruin of a powerful leader, it could only be their daughter.
"B-But, Sakura, honey, wouldn't you benefit further with something much more practical, say, i don't know... an amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, for example?" He was stuttering and falling short of breath – no matter how you looked at it, the King was scared of his daughter. After all, 'hell hath no fury than a woman scorned'.
"NO, daddy!" she almost, very nearly, screamed at her father. "I want the God of Cool for my birthday, and if you don't get me him right now, so help me, I will march right up to that god-forsaken throne and slap you to the next century!" She had immediately lost the poised attitude she had only moments ago, quickly replaced with one that had blown a fuse; red in the face, tensed shoulders and screwed up fists.
The King could barely do anything about it. He doted on her, and thought it would be unfair to say no to his daughter who just wanted that one thing so badly, even though she was being terribly spoilt about it all. She knew how hard it was to get the God of Cool to stay in one place for long, yet she still had to ask for him for her birthday, knowing this information fully well. The God of Cool was literally a celebrity, but just with so much more authority, super-natural powers and extra cool-ness in general.
The King closed his eyes for a second, rubbing his sore temples with two chubby fingers, before opening them again. He looked like he was sucked out of sleep and living just on caffeine. He breathed in, then out, before finally replying, "I'm sure I'll be able to do something..." meaning a big, fat, doubtful yes.
However, Sakura ignored the uncertainty and instead cried for joy, running up to her father and hugging him around the neck fondly. "You're the best, father," she squealed genuinely, kissing him on the cheek.
He smiled until she let go of him, running out the doors (with so much difficulty in her 4inch heels) and made a beeline to her room. Now, she could hardly wait till her birthday.
The King was in deep contemplation for a few good minutes. How the hell was he going to bring the God of Cool to their palace in order to give him away as his daughter's birthday present? He could try bribery, although what could the King of only one Kingdom get a GOD that he didn't already have?
But like all gods, if you pray to them three times a day, they have to listen to your prayers.
"Father, Son, Holy Spirit, God of Cool, please answer my prayers and come to the Kingdom of Peace and Love, and bring my daughter the one thing she really wants for her birthday: you.
Amen."
"God is great, God is good. Let us thank Him for our food… And let me thank you, in advance, for granting my only daughter's wish. Come to the Kingdom of Peace and Love and shower in our worship for you, especially my daughter's – I'm convinced by now that she loves you.
Amen."
"If you really care about all of your subjects, dear God of Cool, please bear in mind that if you do not answer the one wish that I pray for, you show that you do not care about me. Therefore, if you don't wish for me to be mutated limb from limb from my dearest daughter, please fulfill her birthday wish and come to the Kingdom of Peace and Love, even if only for a day.
Amen."
Somewhere in the star-studded, cloud-riding Mount Olympus, a God surrounded with sunbeams, haloes and the minions he likes to call 'Angels' is flipping through a very long list of names.
"Saint Naruto, the Archangel, who is this King from the Land of Peace of Love?" the God asked, as he nonchalantly rested his head on his fist, sitting comfortably in his large throne of cloud. He pointed at a name in the list and scrolled his finger down the page. Naruto looked over at what God was pointing at and found a long list of the same name, running for 15 pages!
"I don't know, Sasuk-, I mean, Sir," he quickly corrected himself, "but he seems to be praying extensively. I take it as 3 times a day, which shows he is an extremely loyal follower and worshipper towards you. Well, who could really blame him? You're the God of Cool after all…" Saint Naruto grinned at the young, glowing God.
Despite being all holy and glowing, the God of Cool was wearing the exact juxtaposition. His mainly black and leather attire was more Satan and sin than anything else.
"I'll check with the Fates to see if he's dying and just wants one last shot of coolness, or if he has some other reason." Saint Naruto pressed into his ear, where a discreet headset was lying beneath his messy blonde locks, and mumbled a few words into the small microphone attached to the one shoulder of his white exomis. After a few seconds, he returned back to his conversation with the God of Cool and smoothly informed, "The King of Peace and Love isn't dying, Sir, but he does have a request that only the God of Cool can fulfill…" He paused for effect, momentarily letting the God revel in the suspense.
"Well, speak, Archangel!" he ordered, bellowing out the command.
Saint Naruto gulped before quietly stumbling over his words again, "H-He wants you to… b-be his daughter's birthday present…"
There was an eerie silence that followed as the God of Cool failed to comprehend this immediately. But before he could speak, his secretary and friend, the Archangel, spoke again.
"And the Fates foretold that you would attend her birthday party, but they wouldn't speak of anything more." He nervously fidgeted and pretended to adjust the golden halo sitting on his head, making sure it was at the exact perfect angle he liked it at.
The God scowled before getting out of his throne and pacing round Heaven. "Archangel Naruto, pray tell, what does this King's daughter look like exactly?" he asked, scratching his hairless chin.
"She's apparently a lot like, well… you, Sir. You can count on it that she wears a lot of black, a lot of studs and a lot of leather."
"She…" God started, tripping over his words, until he had found the most fitting only seconds later, "sounds perfect. I'll look forward to meeting her." And across his handsome face was a devilish smirk and glinting eyes that spelled mischief.
Saint Naruto chuckled, albeit a bit nervously. He knew that his God was up to no good, yet he kept quiet lest he wanted to be under the wrath of the God of Cool. Zits, braces and bed head didn't sound like a punishment that the Archangel could withstand.
"I want you to send this King a message, telling him I'll be there for his lovely daughter's sweet sixteen," ordered the God of Cool with an air of confidence.
Saint Naruto saluted before taking off with his small wings flapping madly behind him in an almost comedic way. He was going to be able to step foot on human soil – boy, was he excited!
The King of the Land of Peace and Love rubbed his temples in a relieved fashion. A huge, huge, HUGE weight had been graciously lifted off his shoulders, as he had gotten the message from Saint Naruto, the Archangel, that the God of Cool would be able to make it as the Princess's birthday present. His prayers had finally been answered and now he could sleep easily at night. And now, hopefully, Sakura won't contemplate any longer on the thought of killing her father…
She was excited. Today was her big day – her sixteenth birthday and the whole of the Kingdom had been invited to witness her special day. She had just woken up in a perfect style – with her hair just as messy and voluminous as she like it, and her slip dress not a crease out of place. She pranced to her en-suite and slammed the door behind her, showering, applying make-up and getting dressed in the space of… 5 hours.
When she was pretty certain she was ready, she exited the bathroom, made her way over to a dresser in the middle of her room and picked up her diamond encrusted tiara, placing it gently in the mess of hair on the top of her head. Then, she slipped on her favorite pair of shoes – a pair of Dolce and Gabbana black heels with lace and ribbon crawling up the ankle in an oh-so-rock'n'roll way. Her party outfit was a little black dress, and fingerless gloves to accessorize with.
She made her way to the outdoor Palace courtyards where she was told that everyone would be waiting for her there.
And there everyone was. They immediately cheered and clapped at the sight of their Princess, which she returned with a grateful grin as she waved at them politely. Her doting father came out then and introduced him and his daughter to the crowd of waiting civilians, as they listened intently to their King. He then announced that he thought it was time for presents, in which Princess Sakura squealed and clapped her hands excitedly.
They came one by one, the first being her desired unicorn. She named it Princess Magic Sparkles and stroked her head soothingly. The next present was a moon beam, which the King had hunted for and caught in a glass jar. It was glowing and bright, like fireflies, but it was very dense when Sakura tried to hold it in her hungry hands. Her sunset that she wished for was next, but had to be reserved in a small, golden locket, but the orange glow showed through the small crack in the side. Sakura could choose to use these magical items whenever she felt the need, and that also applied to her pixie dust, which was sealed in a small sachet. She shook the small packet and heard the satisfying sound of the glitter grains hitting the metallic casing. She smiled up at her father and hugged him round the neck lovingly, but when she retreated, the King saw the expectancy caught in her eye.
The King anxiously smiled at her daughter. She was pleading for her main present, but The God of Cool had declared that he would be here at 5:30pm, sharp, and so far, he hadn't turned up. The King had only wished that the God had been purposely timing for when he should make his grand entrance instead of standing Sakura up.
"Daddy, he IS coming, isn't he?" the Princess asked, the face of innocence looking up at her father. She was anxiously twirling a piece of hair round her fingers and her feet couldn't stop moving on the spot.
"Well, sugar cakes, I think he's just running a bit late, but he will come. He gave his word." The King emphasized the last syllables, making it sound like it was a crime to forget a promise, but a God couldn't keep all his vows, no matter how hard you try to keep your eye on him.
But great timing couldn't get any greater, and just as the words left the King's mouth, a helicopter could be heard and seen in the cloudless skies overhead.
Princess Sakura gasped, holding down her hair and her dress. All the party guests stared upward at the helicopter now landing on the ground and gasped harder when a figure, clad in a black leather jacket and beautiful Doc Martens, stepped out, his aviator shades covering the most part of his face. After him, 3 figures also stepped out, surrounded in a bubble of glowing light and innocence – his minion angels. The one to the God's left was Saint Naruto, the Archangel, and to his right was Kakashi, Angel of Vision, and directly behind the God of Cool was Neji, Angel of Tolerance.
It wouldn't have been surprising if they simultaneously started to sing 'Backdoor Lover' by Dujour in the film 'Josie and The Pussycats'. The God and the Angels seemed to have that 'boy-band factor' perfected.
It was like they were walking out of flames as they neared the courtyard where everyone was waiting and staring at them. As the God of Cool got closer, many of the girls swooned and fainted in his mighty presence. He walked up to the Princess, ignoring all others, and appreciatively gave her a look up and down, signaling that he liked what he saw. Crouchng down on one knee, he heroically brought her dainty hand to his lips and pecked it, looking into her emerald eyes all the while.
"A little birdie informed me it was a certain Princess's birthday, so I thought I would personally drop by and see her myself, but I wasn't expecting one so beautiful and… rebellious," he silkily said and winked at her before standing up again.
She simply smirked instead of turning to mush on the spot. If anything, this Princess could keep her cool, and not let the heat completely swipe her knickers away with a glance.
"You're late," she calmly said, looking up at his tall form. She held no scorn, replacing her earlier impatience with amusement.
"And I'm deeply sorry, Princess. The high altitude on Mount Olympus froze the helicopter engine. It took us numerous attempts to finally take off from the clouds…"
She glanced at his shoes deviously, before plainly replying with, "I understand. Now come with me." She flicked her finger at him, and started to walk back into the Palace, leaving her party guests to entertain themselves. She didn't even realize she had just ordered a God around, but neither noticed, as the 3 angels fidgeted awkwardly in the background until their God signaled to stay with the other guests.
The God of Cool was intrigued in someone who wore so much black and had such a deep infatuation with studs and rock'n'roll. It wouldn't hurt a soul if he just investigated what she wanted with him before returning back to his home.
Princess Sakura made her way to her bedroom and shut the door behind her, leaving it unlocked, therefore unsuspicious. She turned on the God of Cool, with a sultry look on her face, her lips pouty and her body language unashamedly seductive, whilst he attempted to back away from the heated up woman in front of him. However, like most seduction plots, the God of Cool's back hit a wall. He looked around him, searching for some other means of escape, but the Princess kept getting closer and closer with the intentions of a good girl gone bad.
"You may be a god, but you're not THE God. Right now, you're… Eve. And I'm the apple," she edged closer, her eyes glazing over with lust. "Take your shoes off," she lightly demanded, keeping eye-contact all the while.
His face contorted to confusion but he felt compelled to obey such a frightening woman. He definitely was reluctant, considering that he was a god, but she was right on every level – she was definitely the apple.
He started to undo the laces on his vintage Doc Martens, which he had bet so much for, and slowly slid them off his feet, letting them drop to the ground.
'What's next?' he silently mused, 'my pants?'
Surprisingly, Princess Sakura licked her lips and leaned in closer to his ear. Elongating every syllable, she whispered, "Close your eyes."
His lids involuntarily closed, as he felt nothing, heard nothing and smelt nothing. He waited… and waited… Until all of a sudden, the loud slam of the door awoke him from his reverie, as he shot open his eyes, only to find no one in the room… and his shoes were also gone.
He inwardly cursed as he ran out the room, searching left and right, sliding across the marble floors from the lack of grips on his cotton socks. He reached a room with the door left open and peeked in, only to see the King of Peace and Love sitting in his throne at the far end of the room, and party guests dancing to Mozart. He swiftly entered, but as soon as he did, he wished he hadn't. The music stopped at his arrival; the band obviously shocked to see a God. And then the girls went wild and started throwing their bodies at him, much to his dismay. He clambered through the defensive wall of females and made a beeline to the King, ignoring the guards that stood in his way. He simply climbed the 3 steps and stood above the King, towering over his sitting form.
"Would you happen to know which way your daughter went, Sir?" the God of Cool politely asked, his impatience wavering thin.
The King looked up at him, with an unknowing expression, and plainly replied, "I believe I saw her make her way to the front door of the palace," he informed leisurely. "That's out the door, to the left and take a right at the fork, then you'll see 5 doors – go through the 2nd to the left, and then you'll find yourself in another corridor, in which you should walk straight ahead until you see a bright light at the end, which would be the hallway. To get to the front door from there, you should go right, then left, then right again, straight ahead, and then left. Hope you got all of that," the King said, unbeknownst to the God's obvious desperation at trying to remember it all.
He tried, and succeeded (just because he was a god), so he ran down each corridor and each pathway, following the directions carefully, until he got to the front door of the palace.
Taking large panting breaths, he laid his hand on the door knob and turned the handle, feeling a wash of relief as soon as he opened the door to find the Princess just about to mount on her… unicorn.
Willing his eyes to move down, he laid his sights on the garments currently covering her feet – his vintage pair of Doc Martens. He scowled and stormed up to her, his coolness disappearing altogether.
"What do you think you're doing, wearing my boots?" he hissed, grabbing on to her wrist in an attempt to drag her off her unicorn and force the boots off her. However, she was too stubborn, and latched her arms around the saddle.
"Not so godly now, are we," she mocked, kicking and lashing out at the male. "I've had my eyes on these babies ever since I read in the newspaper that you had won the bid against them. A million squid – not bad."
He rolled his eyes, and in that moment of hesitation, Princess Sakura took the chance to escape from his grip and took the reins to her unicorn. Clucking her tongue, Princess Magic Sparkles took off in a light run, successfully fleeing from the God of Cool.
He looked on in dismay, as he hung his head low in shame. He had been robbed of his shoes… by a girl.
As Princess Sakura rode on down a long yellow brick road, she looked down at her latest achievement – the beautiful boots. She took out a small sachet from her pocket and ripped it open with her pearly teeth. Then, expertly, she tipped it over her head, letting the pixie dust fall around her, covering her in a glittery powder. She coughed a bit, but quickly recovered, as she flicked her eyes over her body and grinned triumphantly, as she saw her change in outfit to perfectly compliment the boots.
She then pulled out the locket full of brimming sun set and threw it into the horizon, letting the locket break, and a flash of orange to illuminate in the sky, before settling down to a gorgeous pink sunset.
After that, she pulled the jar of moon beam from a mysterious location yet to be named, and opened it in the opposite direction to the sun set. It jumped out like a jack in a box, and sprang into the air, creating a picturesque night sky on the west side, and a sun set on the east.
She smiled to herself contentedly, and reveled in the cool atmosphere, before looking down, once again, to her stolen boots. Exiling herself from the Kingdom of Peace and Love and creating a name in the extensive list of the God of Cool's hit list was definitely worth the reward she got out of it.
And she simply thought to herself, if she could get away with stealing the God of Cool's vintage Doc Martens, she could get away with murder!