Author's note: This is strictly meant for the purpose of laughing. Do NOT take any part of it seriously. My friend and I wrote this at work after discussing some recurring themes in fanfiction. Trust me, we love it, but this was too funny a story not to share. Well, maybe it was funny for us…Anyway, she didn't think I'd do it so I had to, even if it's 4 months later. I really really encourage bad reviews, so please, if you hate it, feel free to throw me some hate.
Dedicated to Reed799-BTW I still hate Jasper/Bella Pairings, you sick puppy.
Rain. It was always raining. And it smelled like wet dog. Ugh. I look to my left and see Jacob sniffing his armpit. "and he won't let you sleep in the color yellow.." Oh yeah, he was telling me all Edward's faults…Again…they were getting more ridiculous as the day goes by. We've never discussed me sleeping in the color yellow…
I got a text.
I love you-E
Damn it. I left 3 minutes ago. Wtf. He's smothering me. He's so clueless sometimes-why can't he read my mind? I look up to see Emmett streaking across the yard screaming "ROSIE NOOOOOOOOOO!" And she's chasing him with power tools (?)…. Then I hear Alice, running at their heels, "Emmett, I told you not to put shaving cream in her shoes, I KNEW she'd be upset! I KNOW things!" Jasper had the decency to look merely bored, leisurely strolling behind them. Sometimes, I wonder if he should wear a helmet because Alice's exuberance surely makes him want to slam his head into a wall….How he stays so calm, I'll never know. Bzzz. Another text.
I love you-E
WTF? He is unhinged. I text back quickly
Baby-I love you too. Jacob needs me right now, Billy got a hangnail. It's pretty touch and go. I must comfort him while he discreetly tries to grope me. –B
Jake decides to speak again "Hey Bells, you know that I like, love you right? I mean, I may not be able to like, play the piano, or be like a doctor…." The rest of his words are cut off while I vomited in my mouth a bit. Bzzz. Fucking phone.
I love you-E
Is his shit on repeat? WTF. I text back
Edward, I thought you were a gentleman. Why do you go against my wishes? Im going clubbing tonight. Ask Alice if she foresees me meeting anyone named James, Mike, Tyler or Laurent. I fear they'll stalk me at some point if I do, then maybe I should avoid clubbing. Why am I so indecisive? Don't write back, I've been gone 7 minutes. Let me slowly let Jake down so I can get home and grind on you. –B
text. Wtf.
I love you-E
I'm going to kill him.
Edward, really? I left….8 minutes ago! Please give me some space!-B
Just then Alice pops up out of the bushes like a stealthy, tiny, pixie ninja and knocks Jake over. "Let's go shopping Bella!" I roll my eyes and bit my lip, which promptly falls off.."Aww poor innocent weak Bella, it's alright, I'll buy you a new lip!"
Bzzz. I swear to fucking God if that's Edward…
I love you-E
"THAT'S IT!' I step on Jacob's face in my haste to get to my truck. Before I know it, I'm speeding down the highway towards the Cullen home (i.e. mansion). I peel through the 19 mile long driveway halfway through, seeing a tree blocking my path. "DAMN IT!" I scream, jumping out of my truck, and promptly falling on my face. This has the makings of a fantastic fight. I turn and to my amazement, see Esme, Edward's mother pop lockin' and droppin' it in the front yard singing about apple bottom jeans and boots with the fur… Out of nowhere, Carlisle comes bolting out the front door, all decked out in his doctor attire and tackles his wife screaming "no one gets the goodies but meeeeeeeeeeee!"
I now have a headache. Bzzzz. FUCKING PHONE…FUCKING EDWARD! When I see him, I will put him in a headlock.
I love you-E
I pass Dr. Feelgood and Mrs. Bootay and run up the stairs following the sweet sounds of Edward's playing. I open the bedroom door quietly and see him immersed in the music he's making. Cymbals strapped to his knees, drum on his hip and keyboard strapped to his arm. Beautiful. I notice him looking at e with his piercing eyes, hooded with lust. He slowly disentangles himself from the one man band suit, and I step closer. Bzzz
I love you-E
What? He didn't reach for his phone? Before I know it, we tumble on to the bed, we're in the middle of our throes of passion, getting ready for the big finish when Emmett bursts through the door in a bear costume yelling "No nookie til you bake them cookies Bellsie!" WTF? Everything goes black. Great. I've passed out from the stress.
"Bella? Love, it's time for you to get up you put the phone on vibrate last night, you've already hit snooze six times. We have to meet my parents for brunch soon." What. The. Fuck? I bolt out of the bed "OH THANK GOD!" Edward looks puzzled. I told him about the dream I had and by the time I'm finished, he's gasping for air he's laughing so hard. I'm sort of wondering if he'll go into a coma or seizure by this point because of the lack of oxygen to his brain. I don't really think it's that funny…"Oh God Bella…That's….That's…." He can't finish he's laughing so hard and trails off…
"What do you think THAT means?" I ask him. He composes himself the best he can and looks serious.
" I think it means you shouldn't eat cake before you go to bed, craving or not-it's giving you nightmares."
By the end he's laughing again and I just walk through to the bathroom, trying valiantly not to smack him upside the head. Thank God it was a dream.
Bzzz.
I love you-E
Seriously?