Gravity
Sometimes the hardest thing to do is fall under the weight of something greater.
She could feel her throat tighten at the thought of what had become of her and Eli. Her heart kept pounding harder and harder until all she seemed to hear or feel was the obnoxious beat that seeped into her thoughts. The anxiety of giving all she had to him became too overwhelming to coherently understand.
Yes, Clare Edwards was madly in love with Elijah Goldsworthy and it frightened her.
Looking back on everything she had experienced with relationships, she didn't know how to interpret this realization. Despite her relationship with KC, she never felt that there was true passion. Eli brought something out of her that made her question her identity. She always felt to some extent she had acknowledged and accepted who she was and ensured that everyone else was to know of it.
And yet...here she was, sitting in the grass across from where Julia had passed away, reflecting about her relationship with Eli. Ha. How ironic. She couldn't figure out what inclined her to come to this location, but oddly all the negative baggage that seemed to taint the atmosphere was calming. Her eyes glanced at the scene before her, and she imagined what Julia was like, how she was around Eli; how perfect they were together. She mentally slapped herself, Julia was dead. Clare could never compare herself to Julia, she would always lose. Always.
The sudden realization of this predicament made Clare feel small and worthless. She had promised Eli she'd give him his space. They'd stay friends. She would bottle the whirlpool of emotions deep down, and everything would be much better. But why did it seem as though the strain of keeping the boundaries so high up seem too exhausting these days? Months had passed; Eli was opening up to her as a friend, and these small previews into his life gave her hope for the future.
Ha. Clare scoffed at such an idiotic thought. What hope? What future? They're only in high school and yet she desired the same thing every other girl in a cliché romance dreamed of: a prince charming, a soul mate, someone she could be with...forever. Clare knew better though. It wasn't about the fluffy fairy tale endings, it was being accepted by another person who'd take you as you are; faults and all. She wanted that, specifically, from Eli. He brought out all her imperfections in a way that made who she was easier to bring out to public view.
"Why do I put myself in these situations?" She whispered to no one in particular.
" You know, Edwards, they say the first sign of insanity is talking to one's self." A masculine voice claimed from behind. Clare turned around to see Eli standing before her, with a classic smug look on his face. She chuckled, Eli always knew how to humor her in any situation. The green-eyed boy promptly sat next to her, facing the roadway.
"Well, Mr. Goldsworthy, sometimes you need to get things off your chest, even if no one is there to hear your problems." Clare replied. Eli didn't respond, merely nodded his head and kept looking forward. She sighed, inwardly beating herself up about being in this particular location. She hadn't been here since Eli explained why he had become so isolated from her after their English project. 'Who knows how many times Eli visits this place' She thought. The next five minutes seemed to pass so slowly, and Clare could feel the awkwardness begin to seep into the particles of the air.
Eli broke the silence, "Why are you here?"
Clare couldn't find the words to answer him properly. She knew she couldn't just blurt, "Oh, well, I'm just sitting near the road your ex-girlfriend was killed on, trying to figure out how to tell you I'm in love with you." So for the first time, she had nothing to say.
"Clare, of all the places you could have gone to get things off your chest, why here?"
She didn't know where to begin. She couldn't. Her heart began to pound and the anxiety of being found out made it harder to be near Eli. Clare immediately stood up, and began to move towards the middle of the street.
Turning around, she replied, "...Because I can't compete with her. I can't go on pretending that I have no feelings for you Eli. I keep hoping and waiting that the time I've given for your heart to heal is enough, and I know that I'm being selfish, but I love you Eli. I just can't keep pretending that I like you as only a friend. I don't want to be second best. "
Clare hadn't noticed how emotional she had become letting the truth seep out from her being. She finally gathered the courage to make eye-contact with Eli. He looked emotionless. No sarcasm. No witty remark to make the situation less uncomfortable. He merely stared at Clare with piercing eyes, making his stance known without words.
"I need to leave..." Clare began to say hoarsely, the more she tried to make excuses, the more difficult it began to formulate sentences. She gave up, shakily walking towards Eli to gather her belongings. She stumbled past Eli, attempting to mask the breakdown that seemed to be spiraling out of control. Before she could gather her things, Eli stepped in between Clare and her purse.
"We need to talk, Clare." He demanded, reaching out for her arm.
"No, I-I can't have this conversation with you." She replied, backing away from his touch.
"You need to listen to me. I"m not going to let you leave after telling me all this." Eli grabbed her wrist, pulling her tightly to his chest.
He continued, "Stop comparing yourself to Julia. Julia will always be Julia. You, Clare will always be Clare. I wouldn't want that any other way. I have always cared for you, and no matter how much time passes, there will always be a part of me that will be Julia's. Nothing will change that."
Clare remained silent, trying to process all that was said. She knew she would lose to Julia, but to hear Eli say it aloud was rather hard to handle. She tried to squeeze out of Eli's grip, but to no avail.
"I'm not done Clare. Although I may not be at the same pace as you are emotionally, doesn't devalue the fact that I do care for you. I've been trying to figure out how to tell you this for sometime, but I'm ready to move on. With you. I just didn't know you still cared for me in such a manner."
Clare was speechless. She remained in his embrace, searching for the right words to say. She whispered, "I'm ready to take that step with you."
Although it wasn't the perfect romantic confession. It was real, and that's all Clare really wanted. Sometimes, love grows better within hardship, and this was something she was ready to take that step with Eli.
Fin.