Another little oneshot, pulled from the depths of my strange mind. It's based off of various conversations and banters that I just happened to remember.
Disclaimer: Dragon Age belongs to all the lovely people at Bioware.
"By Andraste's holy knickers, my eyes!" Avery Cousland howled, laughter spilling from her voice.
Oghren wasn't wearing pants. Again.
It probably shouldn't have surprised her so much. Oghren was drunk just about every moment he took breath, and with the inebriation came the bad choices. Like the decision to not wear pants, or passing out drunk in Alistair's tent and cuddling with his pillows. That incident appeared to have wounded Alistair so much, he no longer slept with pillows.
"I walked in, and he was rubbing himself all over them, calling them Branka," Alisitar moaned in horror. "I don't think I can eat anymore, let alone sleep. Darkspawn take me now."
"Come now Alistair," Morrigan had replied in her usual venomous tone. "Surely it wasn't much different from when you dream of Avery."
His ears had turned bright red, and that had been the end of that conversation.
"Oghren, why aren't you wearing pants?" Avery asked the dwarf, who was swaying slightly back and forth. She tried as best as she could to suppress the laughter that threatened to overcome her.
"Yer sodding dog ran off with them. Heh, but little does he know, I don't need pants!"
"No. You definitely need pants. Very much so. So much so, that if there were no pants left in the world, I'd pay a team of merchants to smelt you pants of gold."
Oghren belched loudly and then looked down at himself. "Well then you might want to get on that."
As if he had heard the conversation, the mabari trotted over and plopped on the ground next to Avery, his tongue lolling. He barked sharply.
"Sodding dog. I ought to hit you with my hammer. That'll teach you."
"Ser Pup, did you take Oghren's pants?" Avery asked the mabari sternly. The grin on her face did not match her tone.
Ser Pup barked twice, and sprinted in a few mad circles before sitting down again.
"See!" Oghren pointed at the dog. "I told you. No good pants stealing mabari. A dwarf can't even get falling down drunk anymore without a dog slobbering all over his trousers. What's next? My undergarments? Oh no, dog. I'll go sodding naked first before I'd let you steal those."
"Oh Maker, please don't let that happen," Avery prayed reverently.
"Heh, worried you'd like it too much?" Oghren snorted.
"Oh yes. You're such a dwarven stallion. I couldn't resist you," Avery said, her eyes wide with sincerity.
Oghren made like he was about to say something. Then his eyes rolled back into his head and he fell backwards into the grass.
Avery shook her head and put her hands over her eyes.
Ser Pup bounced up and trotted over to Oghren. He sniffed the dwarf, sneezed suddenly and then lifted his leg.
"Ser Pup, if you do that, you won't get any scraps for a whole week," Avery threatened.
The mabari whined, but lowered his leg.
"Good dog."
Sighing heavily, Avery left Oghren to sleep it off, and wandered to the fire. Leliana and Alistair were having a conversation about food.
Avery watched as Alistair stirred something in a large pot that was near the fire. "See?" he explained to Leliana. "You toss everything in and let it cook for hours. And once everything is a uniform gray color, you know its done."
Leliana didn't look impressed. "So, what is it supposed to be?"
"A traditional lamb and pea stew," Alistair answered her proudly.
"I see. So those big chunks of gray floating in there are…lamb?"
"Well, what else would it be? Griffon? I assure you, though I am a Grey Warden, I doubt any griffon would let me ride it."
"That could be said of any creature," Morrigan said snidely as she walked from her little camp.
Avery and Leliana snickered, and Alistair blushed fiercely.
Leliana, noticing Avery, went to join her, leaving Alistair to try to argue against Morrigan's wit.
"I don't think I'm very hungry anymore," Leliana confessed as she settled next to Avery.
"I'm never hungry on the nights Alistair cooks. Maker knows he tries, but his cooking methods leave much to be desired."
Leliana nodded and they both paused a moment to watch Alistair yelling and shaking his fist at Morrigan, while she coolly examined her nails.
"You know, have I ever told you that I like how you wear your hair?" Leliana asked suddenly, as she turned back to Avery.
Avery lifted a hand to her hair. "Really? But, it's so plain. I had to chop most of it off before I left home."
"No, it's very simple but pretty. It suits you. It's nothing like the elaborate hairstyles they had back in Orlais. Women were fond of weaving jewels or feathers into their hair. One woman, to get ahead of the fashion, even had live birds placed into her hairpiece!"
"Birds? That doesn't sound hygienic."
"Why would humans want to put birds on their head by choice?" a gravelly voice asked, horror and loathing filling its tone.
"I should have known you would have shown up the moment we mentioned birds," Avery muttered at Shale.
"It knows my hated of the small feathered menaces. I hope it doesn't decide to put birds on its head. I would be forced to crush it into a fine red paste.
"Wonderful, more head trauma. No, Shale. I am not going to put birds anywhere near my person. Or you for that matter. Your obsession with the death of birds is a little creepy." Avery raised a brow at the golem.
"It is perfectly normal!" The golem raged. "It has no idea the things I was subjected to. What's that? Do you hear flapping?" The golem whirled around, panicked.
Leliana giggled a little. "There are no birds here Shale. You have nothing to fear."
"So it says," Shale responded, but the golem hunched its shoulders and stomped back to the outskirts of camp.
"You're all going to drive me insane," Avery sighed, picking up a pebble and tossing it into the roaring flame.
Leliana put a arm around her friend. "Oh, I don't know that I will. But, I am sure between Alistair, Oghren and Morrigan, you'll be sufficiently busy."
She glanced over at Alistair and Morrigan, who were still arguing, and at Oghren who was muttering about oiling a mineshaft as he twitched on the ground.
"I think that is probably correct. But, to spare myself any further agony, I think I'll just go to bed." Avery stood, bid Leliana a good night and then walked to her tent.
"Wait, Avery! You haven't even tried any of my stew!" Alistair called after her.
Avery turned to say something, but Morrigan, riled up already, beat her to it. "One would think that it would have penetrated your oafish brain by now that no one wants to eat that abomination."
"Abomination? Abomination! Look who's talking!"
"Ser Pup, eat one of them if they don't calm down soon," she addressed her hound.
The dog barked and wagged his stubby little tail.
Avery slipped into her tent and shed her armor. Sliding into her bedroll, she sighed. She lay in the dark listening to the sounds of the fire crackling, of Morrigan and Alistair fighting and couldn't help but think it sounded like home. A slightly mad, and unorthodox version of home. But, home all the same. And with that thought, and a small smile, Avery turned over and went to sleep.