*This story takes place in an alternate universe, so there will be some English/Japanese names and places that don't normally exist*
SPOILER: The chick in the story DOES NOT get Sasuke
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Naruto in any way, shape or form. Or Gaia. Well, I have a Gaia, but that's different.
WARNING: This story is deranged and makes just about no sense at all. But people have told me it's funny in a stupid way, though!
Ok, so we all love Sasuke right? (I know I do) Well, this is how your life would be if you were a fangirl! And if you were crazy!
So there was this chick named Jessica. She was your average, weird girl that had an annoying obsession with Sasuke (like most of the girls and some of the guys did). Her reading level reached to a 7th grader's, and unfortunately, she was 14. She had a MySpace, and she usually typed in slang or text talk, you know "It wuz teh awsumest and it wuz al kewl and stuffz". She had a few close friends who tried their best to ignore her irritating manner. She also had a secret shrine of Sasuke in her closet and did a few bizarre rituals in it every so often. She had been lucky enough to obtain a tissue from the trashcan that Sasuke had used to blow his nose on. The snot was a little crusty now, though. But she had also had some gum from him, too. The actual shrine was a cotton doll sewn together and the hair was actual Sasuke hair that Jessica stole from his brush in the boys' locker room. The shirt and pants were also his, stolen, and she had a pair of used underwear (but she had that under her pillow and kissed it every night before she went to bed. How she obtained them remains a mystery. It might have it involved a coconut and some pancakes and olive oil.) Candles were laid in a circle around the doll and rose petals were littered the floor. There was also a picture of Sasuke sewn onto the doll's chest. So there's Jessica for you- your average stalker freaky fangirl.
One day, a love note had been slipped into Sasuke's locker. It was typed and read:
"Heyz. I realy lyke u. will u meet meh after skewl teh park 4? Pleez? 3 ill be waiting 4 u!" Sasuke was horrified at how illiterate this person was. Did they not have spell check on their computer? At least they typed it out- he probably wouldn't have been able to read her (or his. Ew) handwriting.
Sasuke decided to meet this person and settle the manner. So after school, he went to the park at 4 o'clock sharp and looked for anyone that looked as if they were waiting for someone. He saw Mr. Orochimaru (everyone called him that because no one knew his last name), the old pedophile of a teacher (he really wasn't a teacher, since he was a supervisor for studyhall. All he did was survey the students and have his hand 'slip' every now and again and touch boys and girls on their backs. Kabuto, the student teacher, watched over them as well with that creepy grin constantly plastered to his face.) He was sitting on a bench, looking around. He spotted Sasuke.
"I see you got my note!" he said eagerly.
"What note?" demanded Sasuke, his stomach sinking horribly.
"It said that if you came, your body would be cleansed by my…treasures."
"What? I never got a note saying that! And I will never let you 'cleanse my body' you old perv!" A creepy looking girl now walked up to them. Sasuke recognized this girl- her name was Gertrude. She had a really bizarre obsession with Orochimaru- why she did, no one would ever know.
"I knew you would finally return my feelings!" she cried.
"Get away!" Orochimaru screamed.
"I got your letter- it made me so happy!" She threw her arms around Orochimaru's waist and he squirmed.
"That letter wasn't meant for you!" he tried to say. But Gertrude wouldn't bother to listen. She threw him over her shoulder and carried him away.
"Um," said a voice, and a hand tapped Sasuke on his shoulder. He turned around and saw a cute brunette with a rather dopey expression on her face. Her hair was shoulder length and slightly wavy. He remembered this girl. He constantly caught site of her staring at him with a dreamy expression (Creeeepy!)
"I'm the one who put that note in you locker…?" she said.
"Oh yeah," he said. "It was horribly typed." Her face fell and she looked up at him.
"So uh, do you want to go out?"
"No," he said. "Do you know how many annoying girls ask me out every week? It gets old."
He turned and walked away.
"Find some guy that'll really like you and find a guy that you'll really like." She leapt onto his back, tackling him to the ground.
"Your rejection only makes me love you more!"
"You don't love me!" he snapped. He shoved her off. He got up and started walking away. Weird. Something felt wrong as he was walking. Later in the day, when he went to the bathroom, he realized he wasn't wearing underwear.
Jessica grinned at her prize back at her house and this time they were not tighty- whities no, they were boxers! And red plaid, at that! She began to laugh maniacally as she did often and her mom shouted up-
"Jessica! Stop laughing like a loony and do your homework!"
"Yes mom," she replied in a sulky voice. Homework? After this amazing day? Tsch-yaah!
She entered her shrine and started kissing passionately her rag doll of Sasuke. She turned on African jungle music and started to prance around in her undergarments. Unluckily, she didn't have her shades pulled down and her windows were wide open, and her house was placed on a busy street. Across her house was a party with many people, and they all saw her. One of them had a heart attack. And one of them was Sasuke. At least he knew which house to avoid from now on. After half an hour of doing so, she left for about 15 minutes and came back in a towel. Only then did she realize that her window was open.
She casually pulled them down, not realizing that everyone had seen her. She decided to go on her computer and go on Youtube. She was scanning recently added videos and saw one named "Crazy dancing girl". Hm. This could be promising. But as she started to watch, she realized that wasn't just any girl- it was her! And it had- HOLY CRAP! 1,256,843 views? She was horrified and slightly scarred. How did they get this footage…oh. Wait. Her window…it was open the whole time?
She bashed her head on the keyboard, and accidentally knocked herself out. She awoke a few hours later. The clock read 6 a.m. Uh-oh! If she didn't hurry, she wouldn't be able to spy on Sasuke as he woke up and dressed for school. She got dressed and slipped out of her house and ran to Sasuke's. Ah. Just in time- he was still fast asleep. 4 ½ minutes later he woke up and Jessica, hidden in the bushes outside his room stared. Apparently she wasn't hidden well enough, because as he turned to look out the window for whatever reason, he saw her head popping out of the bushes. He screamed and jumped out of bed, falling to the floor. Jessica gasped and ducked into the bushes; if he looked back out maybe he would think that he had imagined the whole thing. She didn't hear the sound of a window open; she thought that she was in the clear. As she turned her body to crawl out the bushes she found herself face-to-face with Sasuke.
Without thinking, she bashed his head with hers and started running away as fast as she could. She was hit by a biker (on a pedal bike) and she flew into a tree. She crawled back home, her body in agony- stupid biker- he hadn't even bothered to apologize! Come to think of it, he hadn't even asked if she was okay. Seething, she went into her shrine and stared at the Sasuke picture. How could she get Sasuke to like her? Then it hit her- he probably had a girlfriend, but told no one about it so no one would kill her and that was why he rejected every girl that asked him out.
She knew what she had to do- figure out who this girl was and eliminate her! At school, she suffered constant ridicule because of her video, and her friends left her. Some friends they were! Well, at least Naiya promised to come into contact with her once this had blown over. Whatever. When she got Sasuke, she would become super-popular and everyone would forget about it! She began to watch Sasuke even more now. Since he hadn't mentioned the incident of her head in the bush, she figured he had forgotten about it. Before, during, and after school she kept a constant eye on Sasuke. And she was stalking him now- literally! She followed him to school, and followed him home and staked out in the hedges across the street in some old guy's yard that was hopelessly clueless and wouldn't even notice Jessica living there. She called it her 'leafy headquarters'. Remember, her I.Q. probably didn't reach to 20. Perhaps not even 10. And she still hadn't done her homework like her mom suggested- she was failing, but she didn't care. She had almost been discovered at one point. Although getting her cover blown would probably have better than what had happened.
Some girl Scouts were selling cookies on the street and Sasuke was mowing the lawn. They had gone to the old man's house (he ordered twin mints) and then they stopped in front of her hedges and said,
"Hello Ma'am, would you-"
"No, I do not want your cookies!" she shouted. Unluckily, Sasuke had just finished mowing the lawn a few seconds before that and turned it off in time to hear a voice scream "Cookies!" He turned in the direction of the hedges and Jessica pulled her head back just in time. He rubbed his eyes and muttered, "Must be suffering from post traumatic stress. Next thing you know I'll obtain a fear of bushes." Jessica breathed a sigh of relief.
"Will that be charged or a check?"
"I said I didn't want any! Besides you're like what, 3? You can't accept credit cards!" she snapped. She started throwing Starburst and pennies at them and they ran away screaming. Jessica sighed. Good, she had gotten rid of the little monsters. Then she heard one of the little girl's voices say-
"That's her mommy! That's the one who that stoned us with fruity artificial goodness and copper saucers!" Her mom busted out her taser and started charging towards the hedges. Jessica jumped out of the hedges and ran as fast she could down the street, followed by the angry mom. You can already guess as to what's going to happen next.
Jessica lay in her bed, suffering from 3rd degree burns. Her mom let out a gusty sigh.
"I still can't figure out why you were attacked by an angry mom with a taser! What the hell did you do to piss her off so much? And where have you been for the past 2 days? And you still haven't done your homework, have you?"
"Mom, I can explain. Sort of. Not really. Ugh, you wouldn't get it! Can you just get me more Neosporin for these burns?"
"Yeah, yeah, just a sec," she said, and handed her a bottle. Her mom obviously hadn't noticed that she handed Jessica a bottle of rubbing alcohol rather than the ointment because she was busy folding some of Jessica's clothes. And Jessica, being an idiot, hadn't noticed the label, reading RUBBING ALCOHOL.
WARNING: WILL BURN. She also failed to notice that Neosporin is a CREAM, not a liquid. She poured the alcohol over her and started screaming as the alcohol, took effect. It was going to be a long night. Later on, she got out of bed and went to her Sasuke shrine. She sat on the floor, thinking. Was Sasuke really worth all this pain and suffering? Of course he was! How stupid had she been to even consider that thought! She hugged her Sasuke plushie (not the rag doll, she got this specially made for her 12th birthday). She went back into bed and turned on her T.V. It was the local news, and she liked to be able to keep up with the recent gossip. She turned it on to hear one reporter saying-
"Well, Ben, we have a funny story tonight- a crazed Girl Scout mother attacks a young girl with a taser! She was sent in for questioning for child abuse and harassment. An anonymous passerby caught the event happening on film- apparently they wanted it for their next Christmas video!" He laughed at his not-so-funny- joke. Suddenly, on the screen showed Jessica running away from the mom. The way Jessica had been running made her look really awkward. And the mom just looked like a maniac. The video ended.
"Well, that was funny, Ben," said the other reporter. "But I liked the crazy dancing video better!"
"And it hit over 3 million views today!" added Ben. "Let's play that number just for laughs, eh?" Jessica turned off her T.V. before anything else happened. She chucked her pillow at her wall before screaming into her mattress. She woke up at 5:45 a.m. the next day. After taking her shower she considered going to Sasuke's house, but decided not to. She went for a jog instead.
She opened her front door to reveal a pink sky and a few birds flying through. What was this? Sasuke was walking down her street with another girl? She had wavy aqua hair and was extremely pretty. All this constant watch on Sasuke had finally paid off! She ran into her house, got a bottle of arsenic (?), a long blue wig, and fake glasses. After putting on the glasses and wig, she walked out of her house and saw Sasuke and the girl disappear around the corner. She followed them, and had to jump behind a tree every so often.
Finally, she discovered their destination. They were going to Starbucks! She followed them inside. They were waiting in line when an idea struck Jessica. She snuck into the back entrance. Good, no one was present. After searching a closet, she managed to obtain a uniform and a nametag. The nametag read 'Bob', but because she was in such a hurry she hadn't noticed. She hid until she saw Sasuke come up to the counter. She walked up to the girl that was currently in charge of taking patron's orders and said-
"Hey, I can take it; since we're so busy we need more help in the kitchens."
"Thanks! Uh…Bob? Are you new here?" She looked at Jessica strangely. "I don't remember our manager hiring anyone new lately."
"Yeah…I just started yesterday! My name is… Bobalina, but they decided Bob would be the best, so yeah! Well, those orders aren't going to make themselves, so um-!"
"Yeah. Okay, right." She disappeared into the kitchens, and Jessica went up to the register. She had gotten there just in time; Sasuke was there, waiting to make an order.
"Hello! What can I get for you?"
"I'd like a cappuccino and- hey, do I know you? You look kind of familiar," Sasuke said, looking at her closely. Jessica's heart skipped a beat.
"Of course not! I've never seen you before…it's not like I'm some kind of stalker or anything! Like, I don't have a shrine of you in my closet or anything!" She began laughing hysterically and Sasuke looked Jessica with a rather frightened expression.
"Uhhhh…yeah. I'll have a cappuccino and a caramel latte." He quickly handed her the money, looking like the last place he wanted to be at that particular moment was in a café with a deranged worker.
Jessica successfully took the order and was able to get the right amount of money that was due and gave him his number ticket (the first and last intelligent thing she'd ever be able to do). She gave the order to someone in the back and waited. After the order had been completed, she secretly slipped the entire packet of arsenic and mixed it into the latte- that would teach the chick to mess with her! She called out their number and Sasuke took the drinks.
Jessica watched the girl gulp down the latte. Suddenly, the girl began to twitch uncontrollably and began to vomit up chunks of who knows what. Jessica slinked out the back door and ran to school. She disposed the wig and glasses in the nearest trashcan. She causally walked up to her friends, smiling cheerfully.
"What are so pleased about?" demanded Naiya.
"Yeah, you look real happy," said Rina.
"Rina, that's what 'pleased' means. 'Happy' is a synonym of it," Naiya said patiently.
"Oohhh," said Rina stupidly. Mizu snorted.
"Wow you're smart," she said. Rina really thought she meant it, and she took it to heart.
"You're so nice to me, Mizu! I don't know what I'd do without you," said Rina. Mizu, feeling half exasperated, half guilty, forced a smile.
"Well, answer us," commanded Naiya.
"I just woke up…with a really good feeling!" said Jessica.
"Ew. What, were you dreaming of Sasuke? You know what, I don't even want to know," said Naiya. "If you do, so help me I'll run away screaming."
Mr. Yakushi walked up to them, staring obviously at Naiya.
"Hello, girls," he said, grinning in a creepy manner.
"Hello, Mr. Yakushi," said Naiya. He chuckled in a hearty manner.
"Please, just call me Kabuto. Mr. Yakushi sounds too formal. So does Mr. Kabuto," he added.
"Can I call you Kabuto?" asked Anna, a fangirl of Kabuto, hopefully.
"No you may not," he said.
"Oh yeah, I'm all special," gloated Naiya. He ran his hand over her shoulder.
"Yes you are," he said.
"Get your hand off of me if you want your face to stay the shape it is," she hissed.
"Ah, a kidder as always!" he exclaimed.
"I'm not kidding," she said flatly. He slowly removed his hand and briskly walked away. Naiya glared daggers. Then she grinned and shouted at him in a falsely sweet voice-
"Bye, Mr. Yakushi! And next time, when you're trying to break into my house, use the front door rather than trying to break my window with a brick!" Kabuto looked frantic.
"How did she know my plan?" he muttered wildly.
"What was that?" Mizu called after him.
"I have to get to class," he said, and ran down the hall.
"But his class is the other way," said Rina, confused. Sasuke had come in the front doors in time to hear the conversation. He walked up to Naiya.
"Doesn't it creep you out knowing that some 20-year-old guy is hitting on you?" he asked.
"Not really. It's kinda hot," she responded bluntly. She noticed Sasuke's tired face, as well as the others of the group.
"Sasuke, why do you look so sad?" asked Rina.
"Did something bad happen?" asked Jessica hopefully.
"Yeah, my cousin, she got some coffee at Starbucks and she got food poisoning or something because she started to puke up some crap and she had to get sent to the E.R."
Jessica's face looked horrified, and lucky for her, it didn't make her look guilty.
"Your cousin?" she forced out. "Because, uh, who would do a thing like that? I mean really, that's sick!" She frantically began thinking. So, it wasn't his girlfriend, but his cousin. Oh, man! That poor girl- she probably had to get her stomach pumped. She felt afraid- what if Sasuke found out? What would happen to her? How would he react? She imagined Sasuke tying her to a bed and repeatedly stabbing her with a butter knife- that would especially hurt since force was needed behind it. She began screaming. Everyone looked startled. Naiya slapped her.
"Why are you screaming?" demanded Naiya, looking alarmed.
"Because of Sasuke!" Jessica. Rina let out a shrill scream of terror, then stopped.
"Oh wait, that's not scary," she said, looking slightly confused, as she always did.
"I hope you know Sasuke is standing right here," said Mizu.
"I uh- I hafta use the bathroom- I have chronic diarrhea!" she squealed. "Out of my way!" She pushed passed everyone and ran away.
"Where is she going? The bathroom is the other way," said Rina. Jessica turned around and ran in the right direction towards the bathroom. She spent the rest of the day in the bathroom, developing a deathly fear of Sasuke. When the end bell rang, she ran out the door and ran home. She ripped open the front door and crashed into her mom.
"Your teacher called- he said you were suffering from chronic diarrhea?"
Jessica barely heard her and said, "I need to lie down." She ran upstairs and jumped on her bed. Free from Sasuke. And then she realized she had pictures of him posted all over her room. She began ripping them down and threw them in her trashcan- everything Sasuke related that she owned was thrown away. She tied up the garbage bag and carried it downstairs to the garbage disposal in her garage.
Her garage door was open, revealing a starry sky and- Sasuke? She quickly tossed the trash in there and demanded shrilly, "What are you doing here?"
He extended his hand and in it was her math notebook.
"You dropped it when you ran to the bathroom after you said you had chronic diarrhea," he said.
"Well, thanks," she said, and quickly took the book from him. They sat there for a few moments more, and then Sasuke grabbed her and engaged her in a passionate kiss (Okay, that totally did NOT just happen, I just wanted something random in there. Sorry). They sat there for a few moments more and Jessica said, "I hope your cousin gets better. Can you leave now?"
"Yeah, sure," he said, and walked away. Well, at least her math notebook didn't have anything Sasuke related in it so he didn't see anything weird. But now she had to burn it so she could forget this moment! She ripped out a matchbox from her pocket and set it to fire. It now lay in a pathetic heap of ashes. And that is why Jessica is failing math.
She got a broom out and swept them onto her lawn. Then she went back inside and fell asleep in her room. She had horrible dreams of Sasuke torturing her by either burning her arms and legs or putting her in a cage and then kicking it to the bottom of a pool. She woke up screaming several times in the night, but not loud enough to wake up her parents. Then, her last dream frightened her the most- she was swimming in a giant Starbucks cup full of latte and Sasuke was pushing her head under repeatedly, drowning her, until she died.
After that dream, she was so afraid of Sasuke she couldn't bear it any longer. So she got a school transfer and her last day of school was the last day she ever saw Sasuke. Although, her Mom didn't really understand why Jessica wanted to move in the first place, but whatever. And after she started going to a new school, her life and mind went back to normal. So, what's the lesson? Obsession can lead to horrible actions, and your own personal fears. And what happened to Jessica? She decided to fall in love with another guy and she actually ended up dating him. Every night, she would call her boyfriend, tell him goodnight and kiss her pair of Sasuke's underwear (yeah, she couldn't part with that. It took too much effort to obtain.) And somewhere in her heart, Sasuke remained forever.