There she was. Lena was sitting there on the bed in their room, alone. How did this happen? Why did they always fight when they were away together? Could it be true, were they not capable of being alone together? However, this felt different. Lately, Stef had been more distant. It felt like she was building up a wall again, a wall Lena slowly had broken down over the years, a wall that was up when they met and started dating, but had a tiny space for Lena. And that was enough, enough for her to bring that wall down and for their love to grow.
At this retreat they were at, Stef and Lena had gone through the motions and participated in every activity, but to Lena it didn't feel like they truly connected. Although it felt extremely heteronormative that Stef was the husband and Lena was the wife, Lena had done her assignment and had written the letter she was supposed to. Actually, she had written two letters. An X-rated one as the assignment said, and a more romantic one. Lena had put on a sexy negligée for her wife and waited for Stef to come out of the bathroom. Then they started arguing and here she was, on their bed in a bathrobe with a glass of champagne, lost in her thoughts.
Lena was startled when she heard the door open and saw Stef come in. Stef looked scared and nervous, and Lena wanted to comfort her, but she was also angry. She was mad at Stef for not communicating with her about how she felt and how Lena could help. After all these years, how could that still be an issue?
Lena sighed and took a sip from her champagne, preparing herself for their talk, knowing they both weren't looking forward to it, and hoping that it wouldn't end in another fight or one of them walking away.
Unbeknownst to Lena, in the half an hour Stef had been gone, Stef had been through an array of emotions. The talk with her father felt so real and she felt that the pieces were finally getting into place again, she almost felt free. Almost, because the only thing to do was to talk to her wife and hope she would understand and still accept her. She felt like tonight, she might finally be healed. It already felt like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders.
Stef sat down on the bed next to Lena and she knew Lena was annoyed and upset with her behavior. She needed to apologize and explain herself. She needed to be the first one to speak and tell Lena everything that had been bothering her. She had come this far now, and needed to just do it. Her hands were slightly trembling and she nervously put her hands in her lap. She took a deep breath and started "when Tess moved in next door, uhm… It brought up this shame that I carry around in me, that keeps me from being completely vulnerable with you." Lena's eyes softened and she reached forward, holding Stef's hands, listening intently, having not expected this, something so deep and so raw of emotions.
As Stef continued, both their eyes filled with tears "that sometimes, when we make love", Stef looked at Lena, swallowing, knowing she was waiting for Stef to continue. "Makes me feel like what we're doing is not right. Like… Like I am not right."
Stef waited, looking for any sign of Lena of disgust or confusion. She didn't see any, she just saw sadness. "I love you and I am so proud of our family. And yet, you know, I carry around this fear that it could be taken away from us. Our right to love each other because we're not normal." Stef said that last word with an awkward laugh, because it felt ridiculous to say it out loud. But, that's how she felt inside, and it had to be said so Lena could know.
But, you know, I just power on through and act like I'm stronger than I know I am because I'm afraid to hurt you or scare you. I'm afraid you'll reject me because I'm not enough." Stef confessed, her heart pounding, not even knowing how she felt with all of these emotions coursing through her body.
Lena's heart broke after Stef's confession. She had to show and let Stef know that she was enough, she was more than enough for Lena. Lena often even felt like she wasn't worthy of Stef and of Stef's love. She held tighter onto Stef's hands and looked deep into her eyes. "After all these years, I see you. I know you. You don't think I know you? I know your struggles and your fears, and I love you for them, not in spite of them." With her words, she tried to make her point across. She loved Stef, and she wasn't going anywhere of wasn't letting go of her. "I want you to share your dark places with me. So I can help you heal, so we can help each other heal. So my love can show you that you're enough. 'Cause for me, you're everything." With those words, she ended her speech. Those were the most important words, and she hoped that Stef could believe them. Because she truly was her everything, she didn't want anyone else, and life without Stef wouldn't be a life she wanted to live.
Stef smiled and looked happy. She felt so relieved to hear Lena say that, and to be able to finally say everything she felt to Lena. She couldn't remember a time where she felt this happy or light, not burdened anymore with the heavy and dark thoughts. "You're my everything", Stef whispered, and Lena pulled her in for a hug.
They stayed like that for a while, eventually Lena falling back against the pillows and taking Stef with her, holding her against her chest, rubbing her back and stroking her hair, comforting her, and giving both of them time to process this. They both felt the change, there was a lightness and a change in the atmosphere between them, knowing they both connected on an even deeper level, now that they finally had this emotional obstacle out of the way.
Stef felt so loved and safe in Lena's arms. Usually it was the other way around, of Stef comforting Lena and having Lena in her arms. But this felt right, being vulnerable like this with Lena, and Stef needed it. They both needed it, reconnecting in a way that was beyond anything physical or small talk. Lena was right, they could help each other heal, and they did. And with that, they also healed their relationship.
As Stef felt herself drifting off, she forced herself to stay awake. She wasn't ready to lose this feeling of being aware how happy they both felt and how close they were. She looked up at Lena and saw her looking at her, smiling, looking like an angel, breathtakingly beautiful. "Shall we take a bath?" Stef suggested. Lena nodded and pushed them upright again. Lena stopped Stef from getting up from the bed, "but first", she said, and she pulled Stef in for a soft and tender kiss. For a few minutes, they slowly kissed and pecked each other's lips, caressing each other's lips and holding the other close. Lena pulled away first and took Stef's hand to lead them into the bathroom.
Lena sat Stef down on the toilet and turned the water on for their bath, heating it to a nice and comforting temperature. When she had felt if the water was the right temperature, she let it fill the tub as she stood up and took off her bathrobe. She watched as Stef was watching her every move. She threw her robe to the side, took off her negligée and took a few steps towards Stef. Stef was smiling an eyeing Lena's body, making Lena blush and smile. Lena pulled Stef into a standing position and started undressing her. First, she took off Stef's sweater and threw it to join Lena's robe. Next, she moved her hands to the hem of Stef's shirt and peeled it off of her body. Then, she kneeled down and pulled down Lena's pants and panties, watching Stef step out of them and leaving her also completely naked.
As the bath was now filled with water, Lena turned towards to tub and turned off the tap. She slid into the water and sighed contently as the warmth surrounded her. Stef also stepped into the bathtub and sat down between Lena's legs, leaning back until her back was touching Lena's chest and her head was resting against Lena's shoulder. Lena's hands immediately slipped around Stef's waist, pulling her even closer, their skin touching everywhere, their bodies against each other from head to toe. Stef lay her hands around Lena's legs, holding onto her upper legs.
"This is nice", Stef said.
"It is", Lena replied. "How do you feel, baby?"
Stef's face replied for her before she could say anything, wearing a huge smile. "So, so, so loved."
That made Lena smile too. "Good, I do too", she said, and she kissed Stef's cheek.
They were quiet for a while and enjoyed the water and each other. Lena spotted the letter for her assignment on the counter. It was the romantic letter she had written, and she couldn't think of a better moment to read it to Stef. If there was a perfect moment to let Stef know how much she loved her, this was it. As Lena slipped her hands from Stef's middle, Stef opened her eyes, sad about the loss of contact. She watched as Lena dried her hands and reached for an envelope on the bathroom counter.
As Stef turned between Lena's legs and straddled her, and Lena saw Stef's curious look, she explained "I want to read the romantic letter to you." And so, she began reading aloud.
Dear Stef, my love, my wife
Do you remember the first time I called you 'my love'? We had been dating for three months and that night was the first time we had made love. Previously to that night, I had been with a lot of women. I'd had relationships and had been with women whom I thought I loved. But when I knew that I loved you, when I felt your love for me, and when we made love that night, I knew that the love I thought I had felt for other women, didn't even come close to what I felt for you. The love I felt for you, blew me away. It scared me, because I didn't know that I was able to love another being so fiercely and unconditionally. Your love for me and my love for you made me the happiest I had ever been. When I felt that love between us, I knew we were made for each other. And during and after making love, I was even more strongly convinced that true love really existed and how lucky we were to have found each other, as soulmates.
So, that following morning, when you woke up and I stared into your gorgeous hazel eyes, and said "good morning, my love", you blushed and grinned sheepishly, and I knew you felt the same. That moment was perfect. You pulled me towards you and kissed me, deeply, tenderly, expressing your love with that one single kiss. And then you made love to me again, a few times actually. An activity of which I still can't believe that was your first time with a woman. I'll explain that in my other letter, more explicitly. But I guess the fact that I questioned it, also shows why we're so perfect for each other. It felt right from the start and with every move, and it still does.
My wife. I can never say that word without smiling like an idiot. It feels unreal that we're married. Even though it only adds a title, it created an even deeper and stronger bond between us. As I've said before, when we got married, both times actually, I felt like we were one, wrapped up in the same skin. When we had to get a divorce, even though it was only on paper, I felt awful. But I knew it didn't mean that we loved each other less. I think it actually caused us to love each other more, because we knew that we did it for our love, for our home and for our family to stay together in the place that was home and in the place that we loved each other. Then, when we got married a second time, my emotions were all over the place and you made me so happy that day, with your speech and by marrying me again. Also, we finally kissed in the rain, something I had always wanted to do, and you knew that. That was a great kiss, I didn't even care that the kids were watching us kiss like that, something we usually only do when we're alone. Every kiss with you is amazing. Even if it's a quick hello- or goodbye-kiss, it's always amazing. It feels likes home and you make me feel your love.
I love you. There isn't a word in the dictionary that can describe the amount of love I feel for you. It is only something I feel deep within me, and something I know you feel too. I can only show you how much I love you, and I will do so for the rest of my life. A life that I can't imagine spending any other way than with you by my side, by loving you and with you loving me.
Yours, forever and ever,
Lena, your love, your wife, your woman.
When the letter ended, tears of joy were rolling down their cheeks. Stef grabbed the letter to put it back on the counter and placed both hands on either side of Lena's face. She stroked her cheeks with her thumbs and looked deeply into her eyes. They looked into each other's soul and wanted nothing more than this perfect moment, to be right here with each other. Stef kissed Lena, trying to convey all of her love for her wife into that single kiss. They kissed until the water went cold and then Stef pulled back and leaned their foreheads against each other. Stef giggled when Lena tried to stifle a yawn. "Sorry", Lena muttered. Stef chuckled, "no worries. Come on", and she pulled them out of the bath to dry themselves off.
Knowing they both wanted the intimacy and touching of skin in bed, they didn't bother to put on any clothes. Not being intimate by have sex or making love, but another kind of intimacy. The kind where you hold each other and are so close that nothing can come in between.
Stef crawled into bed first and Lena immediately followed by spooning her from behind. Their legs entwined, Stef's ass against Lena's pelvis, Lena's head over Stef's shoulder against Stef's cheek and her arm around Stef. Stef took Lena's hand and slid both their hands between Stef's breasts, over her heart. This was her way of telling her that Lena held her heart. Like this, they drifted off to sleep, more peaceful than ever.