Setting: Immediately after Crush-my wishful thinking anyway!
Disclaimers: "Joss, can Spike and Buffy come out and play?" Oh, they're grounded. Guess we'll have to sneak them out, but since I don't get any money for this, it's gonna be some cheap fun!
Feedback: I crave it like Spike craves blood! Pretty please!!!
********
Spike stared through the beveled glass plates on the door. He could see Buffy's form moving away, up the stairs. He stared until he couldn't see her anymore. The reality of it had hit him when he saw her face as she coolly closed the door on him. She had never thrown such a powerful punch. Never landed one so hard and square. As he backed slowly off the porch, the aching began in his stomach. By the time he got to the sidewalk, it had climbed up into his throat. Walking down the dark street, he didn't fight the tears. But with a clinched jaw, he refused to cry out. Even though everything animal in him wanted to, he kept it at bay.
When he reached his crypt, his head was aching from all the thoughts racing around. 'Why? Why can't she admit the feelings I know she has inside? What else could I have done? Or am I just fooling myself? I knew I could never have her, but to hear it from her...she's disgusted with me...loathes me...'
"BLOODY HELL!!!" he shouted to no one as he slammed the crypt door shut. "What does it TAKE?! You bleedin' women are going to be the death of me! Dru, I gave you everything inside me. I let you rebuild me into the Big Bad I am today. I let you take my sodding SOUL, for God's sake! And then you LEAVE me!," Spike yells at nothing. He turns around fast, pointing a finger.
"And then YOU, Slayer. You nest in my heart while we're trying to kill each other. I didn't ask for it, that's for sure. But it's here, nonetheless. You set up shop and changed me. I mean, I can't even stand human blood anymore, because all I taste is the venom of your disapproval. I'm a SODDING VAMPIRE! And I can't feed on humans anymore, even dead ones, because *the Slayer wouldn't like it.* How's that feature, boys and girls? A vamp who's at the whim of a Slayer." Spike sighed loudly and fell into his chair.
'What does she want? What would it take? It can't just be because I'm a vamp. She had it bad for the big poof. Or maybe that's it. Maybe she doesn't want another vamp boyfriend. Maybe GI Joe made her want humans.' This thought made Spike roll his eyes and grab his bottle of scotch. He took a long drink, felt the pungent sting roll down his throat and settle in his stomach. 'No, there's no way she prefers humans. She does need a little monster in her man.' Spike smiled a little as he remembered telling Riley as much. And the gratifying look on Riley's face when he realized Spike was right. 'Even Captain Cardboard knew it was true. So why can't Buffy see it? What is it that keeps her from feeling *some*thing for me?'
Spike chuckled a little as he finished off the bottle. He knew what it was... 'A soul. Angel had a soul. Buffy said I didn't know what feelings were and that I couldn't love. She's wrong, dead wrong. She thinks I need a soul to love her. If I could only make her understand what I do feel. But no, she won't hear it. She's shut me out. But I have to know. I have to know if that's all that's holding her back from admitting...admitting maybe there's a small chance somewhere down the line...that I could be hers...she could be mine... But I'm just torturing myself. I can never have my soul back. And I certainly don't want it if it means I can never be with Buffy. And...if I get my soul back...will I change? Angelus was a bleedin' cruel son of a bitch. Didn't feel anything but malice, even for Darla and Dru. But evil mic gets his soul back and he's the biggest soddin' poofter I've ever seen. He was able to love Buffy with his soul. More importantly, she was able to love him. But I already love her. What will happen to me? Will I become William again? There was nothing slightly 'Big Bad' about him. And that's what Buffy needs. I can tell it's what she's crying out for inside. She feeds on the darkness. She got a taste of it with Angel and now she's dying for it. It's why her tin soldier could never touch her. Not inside. Where her own darkness lives. But if I had my soul again...would I still be enough for her? Or would it just push out every dark thing that's left...all that the Slayer's mere existence hasn't driven from me...Scared...scared to think about having a soul...scared to think about living the rest of my unnaturally long life without having her look at least once into my eyes with love and need instead of hate and disgust...Scared...' Spike's thoughts slowly gave way to sleep...with only her on his mind.
Spike woke with a start...he heard creaking...his door. He spun around and up so fast his head felt light, probably more from the booze than actually getting up.
"Buffy!" Spike said, quite surprised.
Buffy seemed very uncomfortable, looking everywhere but at Spike.
Spike's look of surprise melted into a softness not often seen in him.
"What can I do for you, Slayer?" Spike looked at her with anticipation.
"I just came to tell you...to apologize for earlier. I didn't need to be so mean to you. It's just...you really blindsided me with this, Spike," her gaze finally met his.
"I know, Buffy. I'm sorry. I didn't plan it like that. I wanted to tell you so many times...but I never really knew how. And I know you don't want to hear this, but I can't just give up...with you...," Spike's voice trailed off and he closed his eyes, searching for the right thing to say so she wouldn't run out the door.
A touch to his cheek made him open his eyes. She was touching him..looking at him... "Maybe you shouldn't...give up," Buffy said without smiling, but without the coldness of a few hours before. Spike raised his hand to touch hers on his face, but she pulled her hand away quickly. "Spike, I can't guarantee anything. And anything that happens...it's going to take a lot of time. I don't think I'm ready yet for something like this," Buffy shivered a bit and stepped away from Spike.
Spike's soft countenance was beaming now. "That's all I need, Buffy. That's all I've ever needed from you. Some kind of hope, some bleedin' meaning to my existence."
"Spike," Buffy called over her shoulder as she walked out of his crypt. "There's only one thing missing."
Spike woke with the word 'soul' on his lips. He grimaced that it was only a dream. But he was determined now. No matter what happened, he had to know. Had to try with her. 'She's probably on patrol right now.'
After trying two cemeteries, he found her at the Sunnydale Resting Grounds. She was sitting on a headstone, peeling bits off a stake.
"Slayer," Spike said softly.
Buffy turned with a start, stake at the ready. "Spike, what are you doing here? I thought I made myself pretty clear. Stay. Away. As in forever. Got it?" She glared at him as she turned away.
"Slayer...Buffy, answer one question for me and I'll leave," his voice was still soft with affection, he seemed not to notice her seething anger.
"I think I've put up with enough from you tonight. I can't believe you're here, trying to convince me to see something in you that doesn't exist. I mean, HELLO, you chained me up in a dungeon! It's not exactly the way to a woman's heart, ya know?"
"Then teach me. Teach me how to get into your heart."
"Oh my God, we are not having this conversation. Spike, I was serious. I want you to leave me alone."
"One question...answer and I leave."
"UGH! Fine, ask your question," Buffy's was red with anger and held her arms around herself tightly.
"If I had a soul-"
"You DON'T! You never will! Why are you doing this??"
"IF I had a soul...could you find some small amount of feeling for me inside? Is there any possible way-"
"NO! I've told you before and I'm tired of this. Spike...there will never be anything between you and I but my absolute hatred of your very existence."
"Why? Tell me why, if I had a soul, you could never love me? You want to know the things Angel did when he *didn't* have a soul? I think you've seen he can be a rather naughty little puppy. Remember that teacher lady, girlfriend of Giles, I believe?"
With that, Buffy punched him hard in the face. Spike reeled back, but then moved in closer to her. His head was swimming. He was in angry ecstasy. He loved it when she hit him...at least she was touching him. And if he knew he could strike a nerve with her, he knew that he had to matter a little to her...even just a little. Buffy punched him again, in the stomach. She began to walk away. Spike held his stomach and groaned.
"Angel never loved you half as much as I do," he called to her.
Buffy stopped and looked back at him incredulously. She couldn't believe he had the gall to say that. Spike sauntered towards her slowly, still holding his stomach with one arm. "He was a greedy bastard," Spike said as he ducked to miss another blow.
"You will never be as good as Angel was. You can never love me that much," Buffy hissed. She walked away, hoping that would shut him up.
"Oh yeah?" he called out to her. "If he loved you so much, how come he kept his soul to himself? If I had my soul back...I'd give it to you."
Buffy hesitated for just a split second and kept walking. That was all he needed. That one fraction of a moment when he could see her wonder if he was right.
"That's alright, luv. I've got time," Spike said after she was out of range. He lit up a cigarette, tilted his head and watched her walk away. The moonlight bounced off her leather pants and her blond hair and he hoped he was the only person in the world who could see it.
"All the time in the world."
Disclaimers: "Joss, can Spike and Buffy come out and play?" Oh, they're grounded. Guess we'll have to sneak them out, but since I don't get any money for this, it's gonna be some cheap fun!
Feedback: I crave it like Spike craves blood! Pretty please!!!
********
Spike stared through the beveled glass plates on the door. He could see Buffy's form moving away, up the stairs. He stared until he couldn't see her anymore. The reality of it had hit him when he saw her face as she coolly closed the door on him. She had never thrown such a powerful punch. Never landed one so hard and square. As he backed slowly off the porch, the aching began in his stomach. By the time he got to the sidewalk, it had climbed up into his throat. Walking down the dark street, he didn't fight the tears. But with a clinched jaw, he refused to cry out. Even though everything animal in him wanted to, he kept it at bay.
When he reached his crypt, his head was aching from all the thoughts racing around. 'Why? Why can't she admit the feelings I know she has inside? What else could I have done? Or am I just fooling myself? I knew I could never have her, but to hear it from her...she's disgusted with me...loathes me...'
"BLOODY HELL!!!" he shouted to no one as he slammed the crypt door shut. "What does it TAKE?! You bleedin' women are going to be the death of me! Dru, I gave you everything inside me. I let you rebuild me into the Big Bad I am today. I let you take my sodding SOUL, for God's sake! And then you LEAVE me!," Spike yells at nothing. He turns around fast, pointing a finger.
"And then YOU, Slayer. You nest in my heart while we're trying to kill each other. I didn't ask for it, that's for sure. But it's here, nonetheless. You set up shop and changed me. I mean, I can't even stand human blood anymore, because all I taste is the venom of your disapproval. I'm a SODDING VAMPIRE! And I can't feed on humans anymore, even dead ones, because *the Slayer wouldn't like it.* How's that feature, boys and girls? A vamp who's at the whim of a Slayer." Spike sighed loudly and fell into his chair.
'What does she want? What would it take? It can't just be because I'm a vamp. She had it bad for the big poof. Or maybe that's it. Maybe she doesn't want another vamp boyfriend. Maybe GI Joe made her want humans.' This thought made Spike roll his eyes and grab his bottle of scotch. He took a long drink, felt the pungent sting roll down his throat and settle in his stomach. 'No, there's no way she prefers humans. She does need a little monster in her man.' Spike smiled a little as he remembered telling Riley as much. And the gratifying look on Riley's face when he realized Spike was right. 'Even Captain Cardboard knew it was true. So why can't Buffy see it? What is it that keeps her from feeling *some*thing for me?'
Spike chuckled a little as he finished off the bottle. He knew what it was... 'A soul. Angel had a soul. Buffy said I didn't know what feelings were and that I couldn't love. She's wrong, dead wrong. She thinks I need a soul to love her. If I could only make her understand what I do feel. But no, she won't hear it. She's shut me out. But I have to know. I have to know if that's all that's holding her back from admitting...admitting maybe there's a small chance somewhere down the line...that I could be hers...she could be mine... But I'm just torturing myself. I can never have my soul back. And I certainly don't want it if it means I can never be with Buffy. And...if I get my soul back...will I change? Angelus was a bleedin' cruel son of a bitch. Didn't feel anything but malice, even for Darla and Dru. But evil mic gets his soul back and he's the biggest soddin' poofter I've ever seen. He was able to love Buffy with his soul. More importantly, she was able to love him. But I already love her. What will happen to me? Will I become William again? There was nothing slightly 'Big Bad' about him. And that's what Buffy needs. I can tell it's what she's crying out for inside. She feeds on the darkness. She got a taste of it with Angel and now she's dying for it. It's why her tin soldier could never touch her. Not inside. Where her own darkness lives. But if I had my soul again...would I still be enough for her? Or would it just push out every dark thing that's left...all that the Slayer's mere existence hasn't driven from me...Scared...scared to think about having a soul...scared to think about living the rest of my unnaturally long life without having her look at least once into my eyes with love and need instead of hate and disgust...Scared...' Spike's thoughts slowly gave way to sleep...with only her on his mind.
Spike woke with a start...he heard creaking...his door. He spun around and up so fast his head felt light, probably more from the booze than actually getting up.
"Buffy!" Spike said, quite surprised.
Buffy seemed very uncomfortable, looking everywhere but at Spike.
Spike's look of surprise melted into a softness not often seen in him.
"What can I do for you, Slayer?" Spike looked at her with anticipation.
"I just came to tell you...to apologize for earlier. I didn't need to be so mean to you. It's just...you really blindsided me with this, Spike," her gaze finally met his.
"I know, Buffy. I'm sorry. I didn't plan it like that. I wanted to tell you so many times...but I never really knew how. And I know you don't want to hear this, but I can't just give up...with you...," Spike's voice trailed off and he closed his eyes, searching for the right thing to say so she wouldn't run out the door.
A touch to his cheek made him open his eyes. She was touching him..looking at him... "Maybe you shouldn't...give up," Buffy said without smiling, but without the coldness of a few hours before. Spike raised his hand to touch hers on his face, but she pulled her hand away quickly. "Spike, I can't guarantee anything. And anything that happens...it's going to take a lot of time. I don't think I'm ready yet for something like this," Buffy shivered a bit and stepped away from Spike.
Spike's soft countenance was beaming now. "That's all I need, Buffy. That's all I've ever needed from you. Some kind of hope, some bleedin' meaning to my existence."
"Spike," Buffy called over her shoulder as she walked out of his crypt. "There's only one thing missing."
Spike woke with the word 'soul' on his lips. He grimaced that it was only a dream. But he was determined now. No matter what happened, he had to know. Had to try with her. 'She's probably on patrol right now.'
After trying two cemeteries, he found her at the Sunnydale Resting Grounds. She was sitting on a headstone, peeling bits off a stake.
"Slayer," Spike said softly.
Buffy turned with a start, stake at the ready. "Spike, what are you doing here? I thought I made myself pretty clear. Stay. Away. As in forever. Got it?" She glared at him as she turned away.
"Slayer...Buffy, answer one question for me and I'll leave," his voice was still soft with affection, he seemed not to notice her seething anger.
"I think I've put up with enough from you tonight. I can't believe you're here, trying to convince me to see something in you that doesn't exist. I mean, HELLO, you chained me up in a dungeon! It's not exactly the way to a woman's heart, ya know?"
"Then teach me. Teach me how to get into your heart."
"Oh my God, we are not having this conversation. Spike, I was serious. I want you to leave me alone."
"One question...answer and I leave."
"UGH! Fine, ask your question," Buffy's was red with anger and held her arms around herself tightly.
"If I had a soul-"
"You DON'T! You never will! Why are you doing this??"
"IF I had a soul...could you find some small amount of feeling for me inside? Is there any possible way-"
"NO! I've told you before and I'm tired of this. Spike...there will never be anything between you and I but my absolute hatred of your very existence."
"Why? Tell me why, if I had a soul, you could never love me? You want to know the things Angel did when he *didn't* have a soul? I think you've seen he can be a rather naughty little puppy. Remember that teacher lady, girlfriend of Giles, I believe?"
With that, Buffy punched him hard in the face. Spike reeled back, but then moved in closer to her. His head was swimming. He was in angry ecstasy. He loved it when she hit him...at least she was touching him. And if he knew he could strike a nerve with her, he knew that he had to matter a little to her...even just a little. Buffy punched him again, in the stomach. She began to walk away. Spike held his stomach and groaned.
"Angel never loved you half as much as I do," he called to her.
Buffy stopped and looked back at him incredulously. She couldn't believe he had the gall to say that. Spike sauntered towards her slowly, still holding his stomach with one arm. "He was a greedy bastard," Spike said as he ducked to miss another blow.
"You will never be as good as Angel was. You can never love me that much," Buffy hissed. She walked away, hoping that would shut him up.
"Oh yeah?" he called out to her. "If he loved you so much, how come he kept his soul to himself? If I had my soul back...I'd give it to you."
Buffy hesitated for just a split second and kept walking. That was all he needed. That one fraction of a moment when he could see her wonder if he was right.
"That's alright, luv. I've got time," Spike said after she was out of range. He lit up a cigarette, tilted his head and watched her walk away. The moonlight bounced off her leather pants and her blond hair and he hoped he was the only person in the world who could see it.
"All the time in the world."