Harry's Brilliant Invention

He touched his fingers to his forehead and felt the lightning-shaped scar embedded in his skin. Sighing, he reached into his jeans pocket and drew out his lucky sock. He even gave it a name – Teddy. It was passed down from his great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather, who passed it down to his great-great-great-great-great grandfather, who… well, you know. It was purple with pink and green hearts, and had a large hole on the spot for the big toe. He rubbed it against his face, murmuring. "Inspire me, inspire me!" His eyes widened and a light bulb appeared above his head, floating there.

"Harry? HARRY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Someone roared, which shook the attic. Harry quickly stuffed his sock into his boxers and clapped his hands. The light in the light bulb went off. "I'm coming!" He yelled, running down the stairs. There stood Uncle Vernon in the hallway, his flabby cheeks puffing up and down.

"Are you doing one of your experiments again?" The stocky man demanded, breathing heavily. He was gripping a sledgehammer with both hands and he had foam dripping from his mouth.

"Yeah," Harry replied matter-of-factly, inspecting his nails. "I've been inspired! I know that you've always had a problem in bed. That's why Dudley came out all wrong. Just let me work in the attic for a while and I'll hand over my fabulous invention to you!"

Vernon contemplated for a while, and agreed. "Oh, fine. But if it doesn't work, I'll practice my cutting skills on you." He stroked his sledgehammer thoughtfully. Harry gave a nervous grin and ran back into the attic. He clapped his hands again and the light bulb lit up. "Now to get to work…" He mumbled to himself.

"YES!" Harry screamed with joy, leaping up and down. "I DID IT! MY LASTEST, BESTEST INVENTION YET!" He gathered his invention carefully into his arms and ran down the attic. "VERNON! COME HERE!"

The stocky man appeared and raised an eyebrow. "Yes?"

Harry squealed excitedly. "This is a genital implant! I will call it Harry Potter's Mechanical Genital Implants, HPMIG for short! Instead of using plastic surgery, this is a mechanically powered version of a penis! All you have to do is attach these hooks to your area and ta-daaaa! Oh, if you want your penis to erect, all you have to do is press this button on this remote." He demonstrated, and the genital implant wriggled and stood up. It was vibrating just as excitedly as Harry was. "And if you want it to expand into a larger one, you have to send your genital implant in so that extra functions will be added in –of course it will cost more. Unfortunately, Viagra does not work on these genital implants but I will try to create something like it for these mechanical ones though." He paused dramatically, and continued. "It also comes in various sizes from 'microscopic' to 'god-like'. That's all!"

During Harry's enthusiastic promotion, Vernon had been secretly fascinated by his brilliant invention. "But if I already have my own You-Know-What…how can I attach this on?"

"Oh, I just knew you'd ask that," Harry piped up. "Well, you have to amputate your own penis off. I can do it for you – it's pain-free! I have my technique, you know, unless you want to do it yourself. Of course I'd have to charge for my extra services."

"And won't metal rust?"

"Well, it depends on what kind. It varies from copper to diamond types. The cost will also depend on which one you choose."

"Let me think about it for a while," Vernon said, and walked away.