Author's Note: So in the weeks leading up to the finale, I promised myself that this year I would not write a post-finale one shot. With having a second multi-chapter fic going in addition to Worth Fighting For and my determination to update more regularly this year, I didn't want the time or distraction of a one shot. Then after seeing the finale and Monica announcing that she was leaving the show, I was too depressed to write one. Obviously, I've changed my mind.
Do you guys remember my author's note I posted in the Of Trust And Secrets chapter that I posted the day after the finale aired? Back then Monica leaving was just a rumor, and I gave a theory about how I thought things would play out for Dawsey in season 7 is the rumor wasn't true and Monica did come back. Maybe it was a way of coping with the news, but I couldn't help forming a story around those ideas in my head. I tried to resist it. I couldn't get it out of my head though, and eventually I reached a point where I was ready to really craft the story and put it on paper. I wanted to fix the mess that the finale left us with and give Dawson a better exit that allows Dawsey to be happy off screen so that's what I did. And after the story, I'll explain why I think it works as an exit.
Now this isn't the entire storyline I had proposed almost two months ago. I've pulled pieces of it and added other things into it, including as I said a way to write Gabby out of the show. When I had imagined how 7x01 would go with Dawson still there, I never imagined the first scene would be something we would actually see but rather that it would be something that was ultimately alluded to in the Dawsey storyline. But if I'm writing a fanfic and not an actual episode, I might as well put in the whole story and not just the cut down version that would fit into a TV show.
At this point, I'm certainly not expecting something like this to be what actually happens on the show. In fact, I fully expect the worst. Obviously, I'd love to be wrong, but it seems to me that it's far easier on the writers to further destroy Dawsey than to have them work things out off screen and write around Gabby not being a physical presence on the show. Maybe I'm just still bitter about how the finale and the fact that it feels like they were trying to destroy Dawson and Dawsey on Monica's way out, but at this point, I have a hard time imagining the writers not just taking the easy way out even if I don't think it's in line with characters and story they've developed over the past six seasons. And I will forever maintain that Casey can be a lead without being a romantic lead. I'd also argue at this point it's better to expect the worst than hope for the best. With the former you get to be pleasantly surprised if you're wrong whereas with the latter you get to crushed all over again if you're wrong. That's just my take though.
And I was not intending for this author's note to be therapeutic. That's what this story was for so I'll stop now.
Anyways, on to the story. Despite the circumstances, I do as always hope you guys enjoy it, and when you get to the end, please let me know what you think.
Are We Gonna Be Okay?
Matt didn't remember the trek from the kitchen to the couch. Most of the morning, the time since Gabby had left really, was one big blur. He was pretty sure that at one point he'd cried though. He could feel the remnants of the tears on his face. Unconsciously, he grabbed his phone and started scrolling through the pictures on it. So many of them were of Gabby, and the sight of her looking happy on the screen had brought the closest thing to a smile to his face that he'd experienced since at least their fight in his office yesterday. He stopped on a picture of the two of them from barely a month ago. He had an arm around Gabby, and her head was resting on his shoulder while she had an arm around his waist. Both of them had huge smiles on their faces. They looked so happy and so in love. Of course, that was because they had been. How had they gone from there to here?
As tough as things had been at times, he'd never imagined that they would have wound up here. Never mind that it would have happened so quickly. Even a week ago life, their marriage, had seemed perfect. Not only were they happy and in love, but they were trying to have a baby. The future had seemed so bright. Since the doctor's appointment when they'd found out about the aneurysm though, it had just been one big emotional rollercoaster.
Was that the problem? Did they need to get off the rollercoaster?
"Hey," the sound of Gabby's voice pulled him from his thoughts. He was startled as she took a seat next to him. He hadn't even heard her come in, and now he couldn't help but wonder if the fact that she was sitting next to him was a good or bad thing.
"You said you'd be right back," he didn't mean to sound accusing but he knew he did. He wanted to blame it on the emotional rollercoaster, but he wasn't so sure. Her leaving after their fight instead of staying to talk it out had hurt, and while he wasn't sure exactly how long it had been, it had definitely been more than a little while.
"I know. I didn't mean to be gone for a few hours. I needed to time to think and clear my head, to feel ready to come back. I just didn't realize how much time I needed," Gabby replied. There was more to it, but she couldn't admit it. When she'd left, she'd been on the verge of tears. She was positive that if she hadn't gotten out of there, she would have broken down in front of Matt, and she couldn't do that. She couldn't let him see her cry. She couldn't let him see that she wasn't really the strong woman that she'd just claimed to be, that she wanted to be. She couldn't let him see that deep down she was really just a weak, terrified woman because in the moment that was exactly how she'd felt, but she could barely admit it to herself let alone Matt.
They sat in awkward silence for a few minutes, neither sure what to say, both afraid of making things worse, until finally Matt decided he had to say something.
"Gabby, I'm sorry for snapping at you yesterday and today. I know I hurt you, and I never wanted to, but you've got to see things from my perspective. Maybe I've got to see things from yours too, and neither of us can do that right now," Matt started.
"Does that mean you're choosing not at all?" Gabby asked shakily. She had to remind herself to breathe. As bad as their argument had been earlier, as much as Matt's words had hurt her, she didn't want this to be the end.
"What do you mean not at all?" Matt looked at her confused.
"Earlier you said that we were in this together or we weren't in it at all. You weren't just referring to having a baby, were you? You were referring to us, to our marriage. You don't think we can understand each other's perspective so does that mean you don't think we should be together? Do you want a divorce?" Gabby clarified.
"No. That's not what I mean. Gabby, I don't want to lose you to life any more than I want to lose you to death. You and me. That's still everything to me," for the first time in over twenty four hours, he reached for her hand. A sense of relief washed over him when she didn't pull it away. "When I went to the adoption agency, I wasn't trying to go behind your back. Every time I brought up adoption, you'd go back to how we lost Louie and not wanting to risk that happening again. I just figured that if that was why you were resisting the idea, then if I could get more information on adoption and present it to you calmly and rationally, maybe I could get you to see that that wasn't going to happen again, that adoption made a lot of sense. I realize now that you weren't ready to hear it. All you've been able to see is that odds are you'll survive a pregnancy. You've wanted me to see it too, but I can't right now. All I can see is that there's a chance you won't. Right now, neither of us are in a place where we can see the other's perspective. I think after the past few days, and especially this morning, that's obvious. But I think, or at least I hope, that eventually we'll get to a place where we can.
"Gabby, when the doctor told us about the aneurysm, it was a shock. Neither of us were prepared for that. I certainly never expected to hear something like that," he paused to gather himself and take a deep breath. All he could do was hope that what he said next didn't make things worse or start another argument. "I've done a lot of thinking since you left, and I think we should table the baby discussion for now, and before you say anything, hear me out. I'm not talking forever. I still want a family with you. I still want to be a dad to a child that we share. That hasn't changed. I can't imagine that ever changing. But I think since the doctor, we've both been running on emotion. Neither of us has really had a chance to process what she said, to let it sink and fully understand the situation. We've both just been reacting, and that's not any way to make a decision like this. We need time to digest the fact that you have this aneurysm and understand what that really means for you, for us, for any baby you were to carry. That's the only way we can make an informed, logical decision. Neither of us are being logical right now. We're just being emotional, and we're both stubborn. That's why we're fighting about this. At some point, we'll be ready to have this conversation, but right now I don't think either of us really are no matter how much we want to be."
"You know part of me wishes I'd never suggested going to see a doctor. That I'd just been patient and accepted that it takes time to get pregnant and let myself enjoy it instead of being my usual impatient self and trying to rush it along. I just want to be a mom so badly. In my head, I know it's probably better that we know, but in my heart, I just keep thinking that ignorance was bliss. If we didn't know, we'd still be happily trying," Gabby said.
"We can't go back Gabby. We do know," Matt told her.
"I know, and as much as I hate it, maybe you're right. Maybe neither of our heads are in a place where we should be thinking about having a baby. Maybe we do need time. Maybe we need space too," Gabby's voice got quiet.
"Space?" it was Matt's turn to start freaking out inside.
"When I left I hadn't planned it. I didn't intend to walk so far. I was in a daze, and I didn't even realize I had. But suddenly I looked up, and I was almost there, and something clicked in my head. It just made so much sense," Gabby paused and started playing with her wedding ring just like she had been doing when she made the decision.
"You're not making sense Gabby. What did you do?" Matt asked when it didn't seem like she was going to continue.
"The other day Chief Hatcher came to see me during shift. He's organizing a group of paramedics to go down to Puerto Rico to help out with the relief efforts, and he wanted me to join them. I told him no. In my head, we were still trying to have a baby, and I didn't want to put the brakes on that even though he tried to point out how good of a cause it was. When I was wandering around this morning, I realized that I was a few blocks from his office, and it hit me that maybe my going wasn't such a bad idea. We might need space and having that space would be easier and hurt less if we weren't always seeing each other on shift," Gabby explained.
"You're leaving me?" Matt timidly asked. He was afraid of what her answer was going to be, and the ache in his heart was not only back but worse than it had been this morning.
"No. God no. I love you so much, and the last thing I want is for this to be the end. I didn't commit to anything. All I did was get information," Gabby reached for her bag, which she'd thrown on the coffee table when she sat down and took out the pamphlets and papers Hatcher had given her. "It's a two month assignment, and if I take it, I'd have to leave on Tuesday."
"Tuesday?" Matt gulped. That was only five days away.
"Yeah. I know it's fast. It doesn't give us a lot of time. And I know we're not in a good place, but that's part of why I think I need to go. I don't want to be away from you for so long, especially not when everything between us is such an uncertain mess, but I truly believe we need the time and space. You need to figure out if you truly love and accept all of me, even the part that keeps trying to make decisions on my own, and I need to figure out if I can be who you need me to be without losing myself. I don't want to keep hurting you so we both need to do some soul searching and figure out what we really want. To think about how or…or…I," Gaby started to stumble. She didn't want to consider the next words to even be a real possibility, and they were so hard to get out. "I hate to say it but maybe…maybe….maybe if we move forward. I don't think we can do that together."
"Hey, I know what I said earlier, but for the record I love that you are a strong, independent woman and would never want that to change. I just wish you understood that our marriage is a partnership and that you can be that person while still leaning on me. I lean on you all the time, and you may think you haven't changed, but you used to lean on me too," Matt insisted.
"I know you love me, but you obviously don't love everything I do. And what you just said about me, I think that supports my point about needing to do some soul searching. If I have changed, I need to understand that. I don't want to go if it's just going to make things worse for us, but I'm worried that if I don't go, that's going to make things worse," Gabby replied.
"I don't want things to get worse either," Matt admitted. "You really think this is what we need?"
"I do," Gabby replied.
"And you truly want to go? You're not just thinking about it because I lashed out at you yesterday and this morning?" Matt followed up.
"Yeah. The only reason I didn't even consider it when Hatcher first approached me was because I was so eager to get pregnant, but if we're putting that on pause it's not holding me back. Under normal circumstances, the biggest reason not to go would be how long I'd be away from you so I can't necessarily separate why I want to go from what's happening between us but," Gabby's voice trailed off and she took a minute to collect her thoughts. "I know we can't just pretend that this past week hasn't happened, and yes its part of why I want to go, but it's not the only reason. If things were different and I told you that Hatcher had approached me about this, what would you say?"
Matt paused for a minute to think before speaking.
"I guess I'd say that even two months away from you might as well be a lifetime, but it's a great cause, and I know you'd be a big asset down there so if you want to go, I understand," he finally said.
"And after thinking about it, I think I'd say that I hate the thought of being away from you for so long and I'll miss you like crazy, but that I want to help. If I can do good down there, how can I turn it down?" Gabby told him.
"And in the end I'd make you promise that we'll talk every day while you're gone," Matt finished. "Look Gabby, if this is what you really want. If it's not you running away or us splitting up, but something that you think will be good for us, I won't stand in your way."
"It's not the end. I'm not running. I do want to do this, and I do believe it's what we need. We'll talk all the time. We may need space, but I don't think I could last even a week without hearing your voice or seeing your face even if it is just on my phone," Gabby replied.
"Good," Matt said.
They sat in silence again. Gabby shifting so that she could lean her head against Matt's shoulder. He automatically wrapped an arm around her.
"Matt," she said after a while.
"Yeah," he replied.
"Are we gonna be okay?" she asked.
"Honestly, I don't know, but I hope so," he replied.
"Me too," she said. "Me too."
One Month Later
Matt stood in 51's driveway supervising drills. The members of Truck 81 probably weren't his biggest fans right now, but while he knew he's been harder on them since Gabby left for Puerto Rico, that didn't really concern him. It had been a long month, and he found it easier to handle things if he was distracted. He'd filled his time off shift with as many construction jobs as he could find. While on shift, if they weren't on a call or he wasn't doing paperwork, he was often drilling his men or finding something else for all of them to do. It was too hard if it he didn't. Both at home and on shift, he felt Gabby's absence unless he could find something else to focus on. It was a constant reminder of how horribly they'd left things.
As they had promised each other, they did talk almost every day, but things were awkward. They had been since their fight. In the days before Gabby left, they hadn't seemed to know how to act around each other. During Gabby's last shift before getting on the plane, aside from announcing that she was going to Puerto Rico for a couple months, they'd tried to act like everything was normal, but at home things were definitely not normal. There was nothing personal or deep or meaningful to their interactions. They hadn't revisited their fight after that morning or discussed their relationship in any way. Instead their conversations focused on the necessary. Things like what to have for dinner and getting Gabby ready to leave. He'd had shift the day Gabby left, and she'd told him to go to work instead of taking time off to accompany her to the airport; they'd said a brief impersonal goodbye as he'd walked out the door. Since she'd been in Puerto Rico, their phone calls and video chats consisted mostly of what they'd done that day, what had happened or shift or how things were going at the clinic she was working at. An occasional I love you would get in there, but they never really talked about themselves or how they were doing. Neither of them had even said I miss you.
He missed her though. Of course, he did. If there was one thing he was even more sure of after a month apart, it was that loosing Gabby wasn't an outcome he would ever be okay with. He hadn't told her anything like that though. He hadn't tried to bring up their relationship or their future or anything close to personal at all. Gabby hadn't either. On his end, it was because deep down he was worried that if he did, he'd discover that Gabby didn't feel the same way. He thought, or maybe it was more hoped, that it was the same on Gabby's end. Still, it was clear that they were in going to remain in a state of limbo until at least Gabby came home in a month.
"Engine 51. Truck 81. Squad 3. Ambulance 61. Battalion 25. Structure Fire," a call came in, abruptly ending the drill.
"Saved by the bell," Otis muttered as he headed for the Truck. He tried to be quiet, but it was loud enough for Matt to hear.
"You don't think it's important to train and make sure everyone's prepared for whatever happens when a call comes in?" Matt questioned.
"Of course, I do Captain," Otis replied.
"Dawson can't get back soon enough," Mouch also failed to be quiet enough. No one knew what had led up to Gabby joining the volunteer group in Puerto Rico. They just figured that his attitude was solely the result of how much he missed her, not partly the result, and that he'd be back to normal as soon as she was home.
"Otis, Mouch when we get back, the bathrooms could use a good scrubbing," Matt ordered as he grabbed his turnout coat off the Truck door and put it on.
When they got back to the firehouse, the first thing Matt noticed was that an unknown man was sitting at the Squad table. Everyone else must have noticed it too because as he got out of the Truck and headed towards the man, he was accompanied by many of his coworkers.
"Can I help you?" Boden asked the stranger.
"My name is Marc Fitzgerald. My son Hunter said this firehouse responded to the accident he and my wife Linda were in this morning. A tree fell on their car," the man said.
"That was us. How are they?" Severide asked. It had just been Squad and ambo on the call.
"Hunter is going to be fine, but Linda she…she didn't make it," Mr. Fitzgerald replied.
"I'm sorry," Boden said.
"We were married for fifteen years, but a few months ago we separated. It wasn't supposed to be permanent. Just some time apart that we both thought we needed. You know you think you're going to have tomorrow. We took for granted that we had time to work things out. Now we don't, and I'll always regret these past few months," Mr. Fitzgerald's eyes had started to water and paused to wipe them. "I'm sorry. This isn't why I came. I…I wanted to thank you for being there, for saving my son, for trying to save my wife."
"Of course. I'm sorry it wasn't enough," Severide responded.
"Hunter's still in the hospital. I need to be getting back," the man tried to gather himself.
"If there's anything we can do," Boden offered.
"No. Just thanks again for what you did this morning," with that Mr. Fitzgerald was gone and the members of 51 were left to go about their business.
Matt headed towards his office, intent on completing the paperwork from the call they'd just been on. Considering Otis and Mouch's attitude earlier, his men could clearly use a break from the drilling, but he still needed a distraction. After taking a seat, he grabbed a pen and the necessary forms from his desk drawer. Only he couldn't focus. Instead he just stared blankly at the paper on his deck.
We took for granted that we had time to work things out. Now we don't, and I'll always regret these past few months. Mr. Fitzgerald's words from earlier replayed in his head and unconsciously his eyes drifted to the picture of Gabby on his desk. She was so beautiful, and even a simple picture of her was enough to remind him of how much he loved her.
We took for granted that we had time to work things out. Now we don't, and I'll always regret these past few months.
Wasn't that what he and Gabby were doing? Gabby had thought they needed space to figure things out, and he hadn't objected. He told her he was okay with it. Time apart. Just like Mr. Fitzgerald and his late wife. They were assuming that when Gabby got home, they'd figure things out, like they had all the time in the world. They were taking it for granted, but shouldn't they know better? It obviously hadn't worked out that way for the Fitzgerald's, and he and Gabby had both come close to dying at one point or another during the past year. Could they just be wasting precious time? If something happened before Gabby got home, like Mr. Fitzgerald this past month would be something he'd always regret. It would be his biggest regret.
His eyes drifted back towards the blank paperwork on his desk. Suddenly, it seemed so meaningless. He threw his pen down ad got up. Like a man on a mission, he walked out of his office, past the common room, and into the bullpen area. Ignoring Connie calling after him, he opened the door to Boden's office and walked in.
"Chief," he started not really caring or even noticing that the man was on the phone.
"Casey, give me a few minutes," the Chief put a hand up to silence him before returning his attention to his phone call.
Matt took advantage of the time, and headed further into the office, stopping when he was standing directly in front of Boden's desk.
"I understand," Boden said into the phone before hanging up. His voice sounded unhappy but like he was resigned to whatever he'd been told. "Casey, what can I do for you?"
"I'm sorry for just barging in like this," he managed to collect himself enough to realize that he'd probably been out of line. "But this was too important to wait. I need to leave shift. I may be gone a while. I don't know how long," he hoped he'd be gone for a month, but he couldn't say that to the Chief. "Something's come up, and I'm sorry to just barge in here and run off, but it can't wait. It's everything to me."
"Is this about what that man who was just here said?" Boden asked.
"What do you mean?" Matt questioned. Had the Chief figured things out? Had Gabby said something to him? Or was he thinking something different?
"I don't know exactly what's been going on with you or Dawson or why exactly she went to Puerto Rico. It's none of my business, and I would never pry. But don't forget Donna's not my first wife. I know firsthand what a man looks like and how he acts when he's not sure if his marriage has a future. That's what I've been seeing in you for a while now," Boden explained.
"I'm not even sure I understand it," Matt reluctantly admitted. "But I do know that I can't just sit around waiting for her to get back. I have to try to fix this."
"I get it, and I hope you'll be gone a while," Boden replied.
"Thanks Chief," Matt said as he started to turn to leave.
"Good luck Casey, but before you go, I need to talk to you about that phone call I was just on," Boden said before Matt could even open the door, forcing the Captain to turn back around. "You might want to take a seat."
The first thing Matt did when he got home was book a flight to San Juan, the one that would get him there the fastest. Unfortunately, he couldn't get a flight out tonight and had to settle for a flight at 9 the following morning. To make matter's worse, it had a three hour layover so he wouldn't even get there until late tomorrow afternoon.
With his flight booked, he decided he'd pack, heat up some leftover Chinese takeout for dinner, and go to bed. While he normally wouldn't have gone to bed so early, he figured that the earlier he fell asleep, the faster morning would come. It was at least a better than sitting around, waiting anxiously to get to Gabby. He'd do enough of that on the plane and hanging around the airport tomorrow.
That was how he now found himself haphazardly throwing clothes into a suitcase. He didn't care so much what he brought with him or how much. Sure, he wanted to spend the next month in Puerto Rico, but he was sure he would be able to do laundry or buys some clothes if necessary. And he thought, or maybe it was hoped, that Gabby would care more about the fact that he was there than what he wore.
Once as much clothing as he thought he could fit was in his suitcase, he headed into the bathroom to gather some toiletries. When he opened the medicine cabinet though, something caught his eye, something that belonged to Gabby. Of course, she hadn't brought it with her. She hadn't been using it before she'd left. Given everything that had been going on there'd been no reason for her to, and she probably figured there was even less reason for her to need it in Puerto Rico. Still, if things went the way he hoped they would, they'd at least need something similar. He'd have to make a trip to the pharmacy once he finished packing. Maybe before the Chinese food.
"Hi Mariana. What happened?" Gabby greeted her next patient at the clinic she had been working at since arriving in Puerto Rico. It had been a long day, but she tried to put a smile on for the young girl's benefit. This was the second time she's seen the girl since she started at the clinic a month ago. From what she remembered the girl's family had lost their home in Hurricane Maria, and her father had died in the aftermath. Mariana, her older sister, and her mother had taken refuge in a shelter while they waited for relief workers to build them a new home. Mariana's mother had also been forced to find a job to support the family, and her sister now accompanied her to clinic.
"I hurt my arm," Mariana sulked, reminding Gabby that the girl was sullen and angry. Last time she'd been here, it was because she got into a fist fight with another kid at the shelter. Given Mariana's circumstances, Gabby supposed she couldn't blame her.
"We were out in the park near the shelter. She was trying to climb a tree and fell. Landed on her left arm," Mariana's sister, Daniela, added.
"Alright. Can I see your arm Mariana?" Gabby requested.
The girl obliged. As Gabby lowered her head to start examining the arm, she thought she saw something, really someone, out of the corner of her eye. It looked an awful lot like Matt, and her head instantly snapped up to get a better look. Matt wasn't there though. No one was.
She missed Matt so much that it must finally be getting to her, and now her mind must be playing tricks on her, conjuring up images of her husband. She didn't regret coming here. She couldn't. Not when she'd seen the devastation firsthand. And she still truly believed that she and Matt needed time to figure things out and that their life together in Chicago wasn't going to give it to them. But she hated that they were a mess, and if there was one thing she was even more sure of after a month away from Matt, it was that her marriage ending would be completely unbearable. When they'd broken up before, she'd had the comfort of knowing in her heart that they'd eventually find their way back to each other. Now though, she didn't have any such comfort. If they didn't save their marriage, she was pretty sure there'd be no finding their way back to each other; they'd be over for good, and she hated the very thought. She just still had no idea how to make sure that didn't happen.
That wasn't what she should be focusing on right now though. She had a job to do. Shaking her head to try to force thoughts and images of Matt away, Gabby returned her attention to Mariana's arm.
"I want to get you some x-rays," Gabby told the girl once she'd completed her examination. A doctor would need to review the x-rays and confirm, but she was pretty sure the arm was broken.
"Hey Dawson. You have a visitor," Sarah, one of the volunteer nurses, called.
"Okay," Gabby called without looking up. Addressing Mariana and Daniela she added. "I'm gonna go put in the request for x-rays and see whose there. I'll be back in a few minutes."
"Thank you," Daniela said.
With that Gabby finally looked up. Either she was completely losing it or her mind hadn't been playing tricks on her earlier. Standing next to the cabinet where they kept the medical supplies was Matt. He had a smile on his face, and as they locked eyes, he gave her a small wave. Was he really here?
"Matt," she gasped as she raced towards him, the smile on his face seeming to grow wider as she did so. When she got there, she threw her arms around him and buried her head in his neck, basking in the warmth of his skin and the familiar scent that was only her husband. He quickly returned the embrace. She could only conclude that he was definitely real. Definitely here. And it took everything she had to hold back the tears that wanted to fall. She was just so happy to see him.
"Hey Dawson. I'm sorry to interrupt, but Mariana Cortes?" Sarah tentatively said as she approached.
"Oh right," Gabby felt bad realizing she'd gotten lost in having Matt here and essentially forgotten her job. "Her left arm needs to be x-rayed. I was going to put it in, but can you?"
"Sure," Sarah replied.
"Thanks," Gabby watched the nurse walk away before turning her attention back to Matt. "What are you doing here?"
"I needed to see you," Matt replied.
"You needed to see me?" she couldn't help getting nervous at his use of the word need. Why would he need to see her? What couldn't wait until she got home or be discussed over the phone?
"Yeah, I didn't want us to just keeping taking time for granted and wasting it, and I couldn't take another month without seeing you. Why, do you not want me here?" it was Matt's turn to get nervous. She had said they needed space.
"Trust me. I'm thrilled to see you. I never knew it was possible to miss someone this much. It's just you showing up here was the last thing I was expecting," Gabby explained.
"I wasn't planning on coming down here unannounced. I was on shift yesterday, and it just hit me that you were what I needed. I really wanted to get here immediately, but I couldn't find a flight that got me here earlier," Matt said.
"I like this surprise so," Gabby started but her voice trailed off as out of the corner of her eye, she saw a portable x-ray machine being wheeled towards Mariana, reminding her of where she was and why. "Look Matt, I am so glad you're here, and I would love nothing more than to just get out of here with you. But I have about an hour left in my shift, and I can't just leave. I don't know what your plans for the day or your trip are, but can you wait?"
"No plans. I didn't really think about anything beyond getting here and finding you," Matt admitted sheepishly. Truthfully, he hadn't even thought about where he'd stay or what he'd do if she hadn't wanted to see him. "I left the cab outside with the meter running in case you weren't here or didn't want to see me –"
"There was no chance I wasn't going to want to see you," Gabby interrupted. Although between their fight before she came down here and their impersonal but frequent conversations since, she did understand why he considered it a possibility.
"Then I assume I should get my bag out of the cab and send it away?" Matt surmised.
"Definitely," Gabby replied. "I don't know if you saw it on your way in, but there's a seating area around that corner. Why don't you wait for me there?"
"Sounds good," Matt told her.
"Great. I'll be over as soon as I'm done with my shift," Gabby smiled before getting up on her toes to place a kiss on his cheek. "I love you."
"I love you too," Matt smiled as he watched her walk back towards her patient before heading out to deal with the cab.
"Who was that?" Daniela asked once Gabby had returned to Mariana's bedside.
"My husband," Gabby answered. "He came down from Chicago for a surprise visit." At least she assumed it was a visit.
"He's cute," Daniela observed.
"Yeah. He is," Gabby smiled and automatically looked up to where she'd left Matt. He was already out of sight though. The next hour couldn't go by fast enough.
"So definitely it's not the nicest, but for a place to sleep it's fine," Gabby said quietly as she opened the door to her room at the motel where she and the other CFD relief workers were staying.
Matt followed her into the room and looked around, understanding what she meant. The walls were white, and the furniture was a dark wood, but it clearly hadn't held up well as he could see the finish chipping off some of the corners. Directly in front of him was a small desk and chair. The desk was abutting a set of drawers with a TV on top of them. On the far wall was a sink and mirror along with a mini fridge and a microwave. Near the sink was a door that looked like it led to a bathroom, and in front of the door was a closet. In front of the closet and across from the desk and drawers was a double bed and nightstand. The comforter was white and decorated with large palm trees. Based on the pillows, the sheets were a shade of green that roughly matched the palm tree leaves on the comforter. Next to him, by the entrance to the room, was a large window. The curtain, which matched the comforter, was closed, but it clearly had a very nice view of the parking lot.
Gabby hadn't done much to personalize the room despite the fact that she'd been living here for a month. He could see very few things that were hers. There were clearly toiletries by the sink, and her suitcase was closed and standing against the wall so she'd at least unpacked. Beyond that he noticed a book on the desk and a picture of him on the nightstand, facing the bed. He couldn't help smiling when he saw the latter; he was touched that Gabby appeared to be waking up every morning to his face, especially since he'd been do the same with a picture of her.
"I see what you mean," he commented once he'd finished looking around and dropped his suitcase on the floor near the window.
"It's certainly not home, but it does feel a little nicer now that you're here," Gabby said.
"Home hasn't been the same without you either," Matt admitted.
"I'm glad you're here. I know I said it before but –" Gabby started.
"Hey, I'm glad I'm here too," Matt said.
"As much as I tried to sound like everything was good here, being away from you has been really hard," Gabby finished.
"Well, you're not away from me right now," Matt pointed out.
They stood in awkward silence for a few minutes, neither really sure what to say next. You'd think it would be easy for them to just pick things up, but it wasn't. Maybe it was because of how they'd left things or maybe it was just how it worked when you've spent a month away from the love of your life. Neither of them knew which one was true. Eventually though, Matt spoke again.
"So dinner?" he suggested.
"I have a better idea," Gabby replied as she approached him.
Wrapping her arms around him, she pulled him into a passionate kiss. As Matt gave her tongue access to his mouth, she let one hand slink down below the collar of his shirt, enjoying the feel of his warm skin against her hand, while with the other hand she started playing with his hair.
"I think I like this idea," Matt muttered when they finally broke apart for air.
"Good," Gabby smiled as she reached for the bottom of his shirt and started to pull it over his head. He didn't resist, and she quickly relieved him of it. She couldn't help pausing for a moment to take in his bare chest. How she'd missed the sight of it.
Matt quickly followed suit, taking off her own shirt. As she watched his eyes trail downwards towards her chest, she silently cursed herself. Of course, she had to be wearing the least flattering bra and panties that she owned.
"I'm sorry. I would have worn something nicer if I'd had any idea you'd be here, or we'd be doing this," she said.
"Gabby, you look absolutely beautiful," Matt insisted and as if to prove his point, he pulled her into another kiss, slowly moving them towards the bed.
When her legs hit the bed, Gabby lay down, pulling Matt with her until he was lying on top of her. They made out for a bit, but eventually Matt started making his way down to her neck, making sure to pay attention to all her sensitive spots before lifting her into a sitting position. He took off her bra, and in an instant, his mouth was on her right breast. As he started to lightly suck, she pulled them back down on the bed, but this time, she made sure to leave his back arched just enough to allow her to play with his chest hair. Matt bit down on her nipple, and she found herself desperate to get his pants off. As soon as her hands hit his belt buckle though, he pulled away, leaving her confused.
"I need to grab something from my suitcase," Matt said as he sat up. Walking towards where he'd left it, he just hoped that what he was doing wasn't going to bring up the problems they'd been dealing with before Gabby came here, and he really hoped this didn't make things worse. He knew they couldn't just pretend none of it had happened, but right now, all he wanted was to enjoy a night with his wife. Still, he couldn't let that happen without this.
From the bed, Gabby frowned as she watched him rummage through his suitcase. Had she done something wrong? Did he not really want her anymore? Had he come down here hoping they could move past everything, but in the midst of their foreplay decided he couldn't? And if the answer to those questions was no, what could be in the bag that was more enticing than what they were doing? When he finally found what he was looking for and turned back towards her, she grew even more confused.
"Condoms?" she questioned as she stared at the box. It wasn't something they typically used. Sure, they'd used them when they first got together, but after over a year of marriage and an even longer period of believing that neither of them would ever want anyone else, she couldn't remember the last time Matt had worn one.
"I know," Matt said as he sat down next to her on the bed. "It's a little unusual. Before you came down here though, we agreed to wait to figure out how to have a baby though. We've basically spent a couple hours together since then. There's no way we're ready to figure out what to do let alone –"
"You're trying to make sure I don't get pregnant," Gabby interjected.
"Don't take this the wrong way but yeah," Matt confirmed. "It's not about your health or how we have kids. Just that I don't want you to accidentally get pregnant and then us to just wind up fighting again because of it."
"Hey, I get it," Gabby offered reassurance and squeezed his hand. "You're right. As much as I want your baby, now's not the time."
"Good," Matt replied. "Your birth control pills are still in the bathroom at home so I figured you weren't taking them. This is at least something we can use."
"For tonight, but I'll talk to one of the doctors at the clinic tomorrow about a prescription. I don't want to have to have anything between us," Gabby smiled right before Matt kissed her again.
When Matt opened his eyes, he couldn't help but smile at the sight of Gabby's sleeping form snuggled into his chest. Her hair was a mess and obscured almost all of her face, but it was still the best thing he'd woken up to in a month. And that was on top of the best night's sleep he'd gotten in over a month. Best of all that wasn't entirely because he'd been completely worn out by the time he fell asleep. Or because despite being in a motel room, the mattress was actually pretty decent. It was primarily because he finally had his wife in his arms again. He just wanted to bask in that knowledge. So he stayed in bed. His eyes not leaving Gabby, and the smile not leaving his face. At least until she started to stir.
"It wasn't a dream. You're really here," a half-asleep Gabby mumbled as she realized that the object on her back was hand and the warmth she was pressed into was really a chest. It was Matt.
"I'm here," Matt's smile was replaced with a chuckle.
"I was so afraid that I was going to wake up to find that yesterday had all been in my head. That it was really just some incredible, amazing dream," Gabby admitted.
"The sex was that good, huh?" Matt joked in an attempt to lighten the mood.
"It always is, but it wasn't just the sex. I was having a pretty crappy day. I got stuck with several difficult patients and was feeling extra homesick. All I wanted was to get back here so I could talk to you. Then suddenly you were here, and none of that mattered. All of a sudden it was just the best day. Seeing you and hearing your voice in person. Not just on a screen or over the phone. Knowing that you took the time and put in the effort to come down here and see me. You have no idea how much that means to me Matt. Even if we hadn't spent most of the rest of the day in this bed, it still would have been the best day. You being here is what made yesterday so incredible and amazing," Gabby explained. "And it's real. Nothing can ruin how happy I am right now."
With those last words, Matt felt his heart drop. Not that he wasn't thrilled at how happy she was, but her words about nothing being able to ruin it got to him. He knew something that could very well ruin it, and he had to tell her. After everything that had happened, it was clear that communication was still a big issue for them, and if he wanted to fix that, he couldn't go around keeping things from her. Besides, he'd already promised to tell her.
"What?" Gabby asked apprehensively when she saw the way his face fell.
"Gabby, there's something I need to tell you," Matt started. He paused for a moment to take a deep breath. He just hoped she wasn't going to blame him for this or think that he'd only come down here because he felt bad or guilty. "Do you remember how after we got married the department didn't want us working so closely together?"
"Yeah, but Boden fought it. Pointed out that our personal relationship and our working together had never been a problem before and that there was no reason to think us getting married would change that," Gabby recalled.
"And that CFD policy prohibited married couples from serving in the name company not the same house. Gabby, Boden's the only reason we've both been able to work at 51 for the past year and a half," Matt added before pausing again. "Since Grissom's been commissioner though, he's had it out for 51, especially Boden and me. He's pissed that Boden went after the commissioner's job when he saw it as rightfully his. Sees it as Boden trying to jump the line, and I think his pride was hurt when Boden came so close to getting the job. He blames me for it too since I pushed so hard for Boden and really helped talk the Chief into going after the job.
"When I went to ask Boden for the time off to come down here, he was on the phone, and after the call ended, he told me about it," Matt continued, wanting to make sure Gabby understood that he was going to come down here even before he knew what he was about to tell her. "Grissom's changed CFD policy. Instead of just not being able to work in the same company, married couples can no longer work in the same house or even under the same battalion chief."
"Which means we can't both keep working at 51," Gabby surmised.
"I hate it, but yes. And by the time Boden got the call, everything about how they were handling our situation had been decided. Boden tried to fight it, but Grissom had already issued the edict, and the new district chief made his decision before Boden even knew about the policy change. His hands are tied," Matt explained. "Gabby, they're transferring you out of 51. It's been decided that the floater whose been covering for you on 61 will stay there permanently, and when you get home, they'll figure out where to place you based on what's available at that time. You could get something permanent right away, or you could be forced into the floater pool. You have seniority so that should help, but only when there's a permanent spot open. It sucks, and it's not fair to you. You deserve so much better. I wish there was something I could do so that you could stay at 51, but no one let me have any sort of say in this."
"What could you have done Matt? Volunteered to be transferred instead. I know you would have hated that too, and they wouldn't have transferred you over me even if I wasn't part of the relief effort down here. I get it. You have the seniority with the CFD and at 51. There are a lot more paramedic spots than Truck Captain spots so its easier to find something else for me than for you. There really wasn't anything you could have done," Gabby calmly replied.
"Still, you shouldn't be punished simply because Grissom has it out for me," Matt pointed out.
"It is what it is. At least Brett will be happy," Gabby said.
"Huh?" Matt wasn't following. Nothing about Gabby's reaction had made sense. He had been so sure she would be upset, but she didn't seem to be. And that comment was particularly unexpected.
"I forgot I never told you about my fight with Brett. After our fight, it didn't seem worth bringing up, but she and I had our own blow out. It happened during the call I was on right after our fight in your office. Her head clearly wasn't in the game. She practically froze and definitely wasn't paying attention so I called her out on it. Then she stormed off, and when we got back to the house she told me that I didn't respect her and shouldn't ride on 61 with her. I know she was probably still struggling with the woman who died in front of her a few days before and our patient only had a broken ankle, but what if it had been a more serious call? People depend on us for their lives. She needed to get her head in the game. And it's not like people have never died in front of us before. Being able to handle it is a job requirement."
"I'm sorry that you felt that you couldn't talk to me about it," Matt said.
"Hey, that was never what it was about. It's just that compared to our problems, my problems with Brett seemed minor. I mean sure she's been my friend and not just my partner, but at the end of the day, most of our relationship has been based on working together. Not that it's not important but it's nothing compared to me and you. My relationships were falling apart, but the one that mattered most, the one I really needed to focus on and make sure was okay was ours. If another relationship had to fall to the wayside so I could focus on us, it sucks but better than one than you and me," Gabby explained. "I guess at least now I don't have to worry about whether or not Brett wants me on 61."
"Are you really okay with this? I mean this isn't the reaction I was expecting," Matt asked.
"Maybe what it really means just hasn't hit me yet. Maybe everything that's happened between us or being here or both has helped put things in perspective. Either way I think so. Right now at least," Gabby replied. "Don't get me wrong. I love 51. I love working with and spending time with you and the guys. It's just I feel like I can handle anything as long as we figure things out. That's really all that matters, and if I'm honest, working in separate houses might be good for us." She couldn't help thinking of one of the realizations she'd had over the past month.
"Speaking of figuring things out, have you given it any thought?" Matt questioned.
"Yeah. I don't think I have the answers yet, but I know we have to figure things out and that I will do whatever it takes to make sure that we do," Gabby replied. "I don't ever want you thinking that I don't care about you or your opinion again, and I don't ever want to feel like I did that morning or wonder if you truly love me. More than anything though, whether it's selfish or not, I don't want to lose you."
"I do truly love you, and I always will," Matt insisted. "And if it's selfish, then I'm selfish too because I don't want to lose you either or for us to wind up back in that place. After how much I missed you, how we don't get back there is the thing I thought about most during the past month."
"Any ideas?" Gabby questioned.
"Yeah. First, this wasn't something I'd really thought about before yesterday, but what would you think if I stayed here with you for the next month? I know part of why you came down here was because you thought we needed space, but being here together, away from our normal life, could be a chance to reconnect in a way we wouldn't get to at home," Matt suggested.
"And we wouldn't have to spend another month missing each other," Gabby pointed out.
"No we wouldn't," Matt agreed. "I may not have your medical background, but I've seen a bit of the island. I'm sure that someone with my carpentry and construction skills could make themselves useful."
"Definitely, and I love the idea of you staying down here with me," Gabby leaned in and excitedly kissed him. "I'll talk to the relief agency that runs the clinic when I get there later. They should be able to help set you up with something."
"Great," Matt said.
"You said first so what else do you think should happen next?" Gabby asked.
"Don't freak out at what I'm about to suggest. I know it's not something that's going to come naturally to either of us, and I'm pretty sure neither of us are going to be very comfortable with the idea, especially not at first. But I think we should go to marriage counseling. When I think back not just to everything that happened after we found out about your aneurysm but in the months before, it's clear that there are some underlying problems in our relationship and that we've just been trying to ignore them and pretend they're not there. If we don't address them, we're just going to keep ending up hurting each other though, and I'm pretty sure neither of us want that. Based on what I've read, I think marriage counseling will force us to address them. And it will give us a neutral third party to help deal with things and figure out where and when we're going wrong before things blow up. It's not a sign of defeat. It's us being willing to fight for our marriage," Matt started.
"Okay," Gabby said. Matt was right about her not being thrilled with the idea, but she meant what she said earlier about being willing to do whatever it took to fix them.
"That's just the first part," Matt continued. "I didn't just think about how to fix us. I thought about how and when we have a family too. I think that once we're back on really really solid ground and enough time has passed for us to show that we've both learned and grown from all this. I'm not sure how long that will take, but hopefully, we'll know. Once we're there, we should explore having a family again. And I mean explore and research together. We should consult another doctor about your aneurysm and really fully understand what the risks are and what could happen if you get pregnant, and we should look into adoption and any other options for how we can have children. Make sure we really understand how things work and what could happen there too. Then when know everything we can possibly know about all our options, including all the advantages and disadvantages, we make an informed decision together."
"Okay," Gabby said again.
"Okay?" Matt wasn't sure what she meant by that either time really. Was she agreeing that that was what they would do? Or was she just simply acknowledging what he said? All he was sure of was that now that he laid out how he wanted things to go, he needed to know if she was on board or not.
"Yeah. I told you before that I'm willing to do whatever it takes. If therapy is what it takes, then let's do it. As much as it freaks me out, my running from what I'm feeling and trying to pretend everything's okay clearly isn't helping so I guess its better than that. I don't know why I'm so insistent on standing on my own or why I stopped leaning on you, but I probably need to figure that out, don't I?" Gabby rambled.
"If it helps us heal definitely," Matt thought she was asking him a question. "And us looking into adoption and everything else and figuring out how we're going to have children together?"
"I think I can do that. I'll consider adoption as long as you'll consider actually getting pregnant. It may not be easy, and you may still have to fight me a little along the way. Maybe I'll have to fight you too, but deep down I know you're right about it needing to be something we're in together. I want our baby, not my baby, and it would be kind of hard to get pregnant with your child if you're not okay with it," Gabby replied.
"Kind of hard?" Matt teased.
"Alright. It would be very difficult if not impossible," Gabby admitted, relieved that they'd turned to normal banter, that despite all their problems, they could still be them. Although she knew there was still serious conversation left for them to have. "Matt, can I tell you something?"
"You can tell me anything Gabby," Matt responded.
"I know, and this is maybe the sort of thing that we'd discuss in marriage counseling or that a therapist would try to get me to talk about or realize, but if one of the things I need to work on is being more open with you and explaining myself to you, then I shouldn't wait for us to be in a counseling session to talk about it. Just know that I don't want to start a fight or try to force the baby discussion right now. I fully agree that we need to wait and figure things out together. But I've done a lot of thinking about why I've been so insistent on getting pregnant and didn't want to consider adoption, and I want to share what I think I've realized with you," Gabby explained.
"Whatever you have to say, this isn't a fight. This is us making progress," Matt reassured her while silently reminding himself to remain calmn.
"Exactly," Gabby agreed. "Matt, I know I kept falling back on what we went through with Louie. About how much loosing him crushed me and how I couldn't risk going through it again. I know it crushed you too. I was never trying to imply that you cared about him and loosing him less than me. I don't know if you took it that way or not, but I want to make sure you know that wasn't the case. And I'm not saying that what happened with Louie doesn't make the thought of adopting scary. The very thought of getting attached to another child, of seeing him or her as ours, and then having to let that child go is terrifying. I can't imagine either of us recovering if we went through it again. But it's not the only reason I didn't want to consider adoption. It's maybe not even the main one. It was there, and it was certainly part of it. I'm pretty sure that at the time, it was the only reason I could bring myself to acknowledge, but there's more to it. And logically I know being scared wasn't a reason to refuse to listen to whether or not those fears were justified, but admitting that would have forced me to admit why I really was so desperate to have our biological baby.
"When I was pregnant before, I know it didn't last long, but those few weeks were some of the most amazing of my life. I love you, and I love our life together, but there was something about knowing that our child was growing inside me that made me feel something incredible that I haven't felt before or since. I'm probably not doing a very job explaining it. It's hard to put into words, but I remember constantly looking down at my at my belly and thinking that Matt's and my baby is in there. In a matter of months there was going to be this little person, who was part you and part me, who was only going to exist because we love each other. And that meant so much to me. Accepting that the aneurysm means that I can't get pregnant meant also accepting that I'm never going to get to feel that way again and that that type of person, someone we make together, is never going to exist. I know no one could ever replace the baby we lost, but I so want that type of person to exist."
"I get it," Matt said. "That person would be pretty special, but Gabby, to me you're the most special and most precious person in the world."
"I know I am, and I also know now that that wasn't the only thing I was in denial about. There was another reason I've been so determined to get pregnant," Gabby continued.
"A year ago when you got trapped in that warehouse, between when you said goodbye to me over the radio and when they got you out of there, those were the longest moments of my life. The very possibility that you were dead or dying, I just I couldn't bare it. I couldn't handle it," she got choked up and her eyes started to water. "I tried to tell myself that I was over it or at least that I'd come to terms with it, and for months I thought I had. You made it out. You were fine. I still had you. Life seemed to get back to normal. You promised that you would always come back to me, and I believed it. I told myself that you saying it made it true because I needed to believe it.
"And for a long time believing it helped. Then Colonino died a couple months ago, and it was a wake up call. All of a sudden I was forced to confront the fact that it was a promise you may not be able to keep. I know you weren't trying to lie to me and that you'll always do everything you can to come back to me, but it was a stark reminder that no one goes into a call expecting it to be their last. Things happen that are beyond everyone's control. Things go wrong. And worst of all what happened to Colonino is a perfect example of what could happen to you. I mean he went back for Hermann because they got separated, and he cared about making sure Hermann got out okay. I know you. In his shoes you would have done the exact same thing. You'd do anything to make sure your men made it out okay. I don't fault you for that. I love you for it. But how can I hold onto us growing old together as if it's a fact when that's also a fact. It was such a scary reminder that firefighters die on job, and one day I might lose you to it.
"I know I did a better job hiding how I was struggling than Hermann did, but it completely ate me up inside. Everything that I'd tried to forget and not think about for a year was suddenly always in the back of mind if not the front of it. And I feel awful about this. I'm sure it makes me a horrible person, but you know what I thought when I saw Colonino's wife? I looked at her, and all I could think was thank God that's not me. Thank God it's not my husband whose dead. I'm not the widow who has to stand here greeting everyone and dealing with their sympathy as if it makes up for anything. One day it could be, but today it's not, and I'm grateful for that. A firefighter had just died, leaving behind a wife and two kids, and what I cared about most was that it wasn't you. What's wrong with me?"
"Hey. Come here. You're not a horrible person Gabby. You're human," Matt pulled Gabby, who was full blown crying at this point, towards him, letting her cry into his bare chest. He barely noticed the warmth of her tears against his skin. He was too busy kicking himself for not seeing beyond the front she was putting up and missing what really going on inside. She was struggling, and he had no idea. She'd been left to cope on her own, and she clearly hadn't. He'd completely failed her.
"There's more," Gabby managed to mumble between tears.
"It's okay. Take your time," he wanted her to be able to get everything out.
"You're probably wondering what that has to do with having a baby," Gabby continued when she'd calmed down enough. "Deep down I just figured that if we had a baby and the worst did happen, that baby would be part you and part me so a piece of you would live on in our child. I'd still have a part of you. It's not that I don't think we would love an adopted child any less than a biological child. I know we would. We did with Louie. But an adopted child wouldn't be part you so you wouldn't get to live on in the same way. And maybe I thought that if something did go wrong with the pregnancy, at least you'd still have a piece of me too."
"Oh Gabby," Matt leaned in and placed a kiss on her forehead. "I'm so sorry that you've been feeling that way. That I didn't see it, and that –"
"I didn't want you to see it. I did everything I could to make sure no one did, including you," Gabby cut him off.
"Yeah, but I should know you better than that. I should have been able to see through it and been there for you. Instead I left you to deal with it all on your own," Matt protested.
"Hey, I told you all that so you could understand why I was acting the way I was not so you could beat yourself up. I don't want you beat yourself up so stop," Gabby replied.
"Yes ma'am," Matt replied.
"I'm serious Matt. We've been a part for a month, and for today I just want to focus on the fact that we're together now. Not on what we could have done differently," Gabby insisted.
"I know, but first I'd like to respond to what you just said. No beating myself up, I promise," Matt paused for a moment to see if she would say something.
"Go ahead," Gabby said once she realized what he was doing.
"When I promised you that I would never say goodbye to you again, I meant it. I have every intention of spending decades with you, of growing old with you and hopefully, going peacefully in my sleep when I'm in my nineties," Matt started. "But you're right. As much as I want to keep that promise, I may not be able to. The job is dangerous, but life is dangerous too. We see that every time a call comes in. People with boring, mundane jobs get hurt or sick and die unexpectedly all the time. No matter what there was always going to be a chance that something could happen beyond our control that takes me away from you. My being a firefighter could increase the ways that could happen, but it's not the only reason I may not be able to keep that promise."
"I'm not trying to say that I wish you weren't a firefighter or want to you to quit," Gabby cut in.
"I know. I wasn't trying to imply that's what I thought you were saying," Matt reassured. "I was trying, and I guess not doing a very good job of saying that, that you can't live your life or make decisions based on the fact that something could go wrong. If people did that, then no one would ever really get live. I understand that what happened to Colonino reminded you that you could lose me, but you're not any more likely to lose me to the job now than you were before he died. And if the worst does happen, and I will do everything I possibly can to make sure it doesn't, but if it does, you will always have a piece of me. I'll always be here," he reached out and touched her heart. "My love for you will never die. That is something I can promise you.
"I get what you're saying about how if we had a biological child, no matter what I'd have a piece of you, but Gabby, I'd much rather have all of you. The actual you. And how you feel about the possibility that I could die on the job, that's how I feel about the possibility that you could die in any circumstance. That's why the thought of you getting pregnant absolutely terrifies me no matter how low the odds are, there's still a chance," Matt finished.
"Oh Matt," Gabby nuzzled closer to him. "Thank you."
"For what?" Matt asked.
"For calmly listening to me and calmly telling me how you feel," Gabby answered.
"I should be thanking you for telling me everything," Matt responded.
"I think you were right about us needing time before we talked about all of it, but I still think both of our instincts are where they were a month ago," Gabby pointed out.
"I'm sure they are, but that's one of the reasons why we're not making any sort of decision right now," Matt replied.
"I know. I just hope we can still be like this when we do make a decision," Gabby said.
"This has to be a good sign, right? We just made a lot of progress," Matt insisted. "We're not just emotionally arguing. We're talking logically about why we feel the way we do. And we now have a better understanding of where the other is coming from on this. Neither of us have been trying to hurt each other; we've just been trying to protect ourselves. When it comes time to make a decision, that has to help us figure things out. This all fits into our plan for how we handle things going forward. It's part of the information we both needed, not just facts about you getting pregnant or adoption. We needed to see each other's side, and I think we do now even if it hasn't changed how we each feel."
"I do get why you feel so strongly about adoption," Gabby agreed.
"And I get why having a biological child is so important to you," Matt pointed out. He paused for a couple of moments to place a kiss on her forehead before speaking again. "After we talked about you coming down here, you asked me if we were gonna be okay. I didn't really have an answer for you then, but now I do. I know it might not be easy, and we probably have a long road ahead of us, but we are going to be okay Gabby," after this morning he truly believed it.
"We have to be," came Gabby's reply.
Author's Note: As promised, here's why I think transferring Gabby out of 51 works as a way to write her out of the show. As much as we see Chicago Fire as a show about these characters we love and care about, I think it was developed as a workplace drama focusing on those who work second watch at Firehouse 51. Move Gabby out of 51, and there's significantly less reason to have her on the show. She'd really only come into play as Casey's wife, and characters' wives have a significantly smaller role on the show. Obviously, unless Monica was willing to make an occasional appearance, it wouldn't be quite the same situation as Cindy and Donna, and the writers would have to write around things. They wouldn't really be able to show Matt at home unless they also built in explanation for Gabby being out, and it would be strange to never see her working at Molly's or hanging out there with everyone, including her husband (I guess she'd basically have to be permanently assigned to Molly's North with Matt still going to the original Molly's regularly because that's where most of the guys go or something), but I think it is doable. They have written recurring characters out of the show by having them switch houses or shifts so its not like there isn't precedent for that even if it hasn't been done with a main character, and especially one of the leads, before. And Matt told Severide that Boden was the only reason he and Gabby were both able to work at 51, which is of course the thread I jumped off of, so it's not like there wasn't groundwork laid in for something like this. As I said though, at this point, I don't have enough faith in the writers to expect them to do something like this.
As for Worth Fighting For and Of Trust and Secrets, I feel like I should mention that I've worked almost exclusively on this story for the past two or maybe three weeks. It was just flowing so better than the others when I would sit down to write, and I really didn't want to spend the whole summer trying to juggle all three stories. Now that this is finished and published, I will turn my attention back to my other stories. While I make no guarantees, I do hope to be able to update at least one of them in the next several weeks.
Anyways, now that this story is all wrapped up, please let me know what you think and if I successfully managed to clean this mess up and give Dawsey an ending they deserve.
Until next time :)