1
"All these people want to know," a voice carried over a live audience as they applauded, "Where in the Fuck is Carmen Sandiego?"
Four men in matching mullets and suits stood before the audience and rocked in step as they performed the acappella theme song of the hit TV show that combined crime solving with educational entertainment.
What a circus.
"Doo wah do do do doo wah
Bad um doo wah do do wah
Where in the fuck is Carmen Sandiego?"
Catchy songs aren't going to bring Carmen to justice.
Ripster grunted. The clang of metal echoed through the air.
For years ACMEnet gumshoes have been on Sandiego's trail. She has been ACME's most wanted women for as long as the organization was founded and she was the criminal mastermind that ran VILE and perpetuated almost weekly thefts of priceless artifacts.
The liberal media naysayers insisted that ACMEnet wasn't getting any closer to her and that the arrests of VILE agents wasn't worth the ACME gumshoes killed by roadside bombs or the political opposition faced by the ACME's presence in cities around the world. They even blame the current economic recession on the costs of the mission to capture Carmen Sandiego. Do they talk about how ACME is building schools in these dirt people nations and teaching them geography? No. Or about the free t-shirts and CDs that they give out? The media just want to sit there and bitch. Well, sharks don't bitch. They bite.
Ripster the Great White sharkman wasn't going to think about it any more - it just got him angry. He tried to ignore the TV and focus on his reps. He was stacking the lat pulldown machine and had an extra fifty pounds of plates hanging off of the adjustable weights.
But then the Chief's voice sounded on the TV, "Carmen Sandiego has done it again…"
Maybe they're right. The Chief's been at it for years and she still can't catch Carmen. Ripster's brothers in fins, a gang of muscled shark guys known as the Street Sharks, were working out along side him in the Sharks' secret underground headquarters.
Streex the tiger shark, always an endurance freak, was alternating between the skip rope and the speed bag. Slammu the whale shark was doing deadlifts with every weight available. He was pressing enough weight to lift a large car. He actually used to exercise with cars but was laying low to avoid unneeded attention.
Jab the hammerhead was sitting at the pec deck eating a donair.
"Hey," said Streex to Jab, "the only thing you're working out is your gut."
"Go fuck yourself," Jab said.
"Me I got to stay lean for the ladies," Streex said, "I am a ladies man."
"…She stole Shiro Ishii's bioweapons data that he obtained by experimenting on POWs in World War Two," the Chief spoke, "America needs that data back – they had to pardon a lot of war crimes to get it."
Maybe ACME's doing everything wrong. But this shark wasn't the type to just sit there and complain like some simpering college student - all Ripster knew was action. Ripster let the weights fall and there was a deafening ring like a hammer hitting and anvil. The other sharks looked at Ripster as he stood up and got off of the machine.
"Guys, do you ever get tired of just hearing about stuff in the news like how criminals are just running around doing whatever they want?" he said, addressing his brothers, "Do you get fed up of not being able to do anything about it? And all these pencil necks just sitting around talking instead of doing something about it. Well I'm doing something: I'm going to catch Carmen Sandiego."
Leena, their human companion, stood in the doorway as Ripster spoke. On her face she had a look of utter hurt. "You can't leave us," she said.
"I don't want you to lay a fin on her," Ripster said to Streex as the two of them faced each other in one of the tunnels that radiated from the underground base.
"Hey," Streex said, trying to mobilize charm that he clearly didn't have, "She doesn't belong to you."
Ripster leaned in closer such that their noses were almost touching and they could feel each other's breath blasting from the nares at the tips of their rostra. Ripster was thankful that he had pants on to hide his raging shark erections – the challenge to his dominance enraged him, but that very frustration was fed from the same passionate energy dripping from his raw animal impulses. But if Streex knew what his defiance did to Ripster's libido, the Great White would lose face immediately. Ripster sensed the bulge in his pants getting bigger and he desperately needed an exit strategy.
"I'm a ladies man-" Streex began.
"You're a shark man. You're not supposed to do human babes," Ripster said, "Maybe you'll meet a mutant babe one day -"
"You can't tell me what to do," Streex said as he turned and began to skate away on his rollerblades, "You have fun chasing Carmen Sandiego."
Ripster adjusted his pants and sighed.