"Cat, Hey Cat." I called after her in front of the school. Finally catching her at the bike rack. "Why are you ignoring me?" I demanded.
"Jade," She said, standing and turning in my direction. "I had a music box when I was a kid. When you opened it, a little ballerina would twirl and it would play a song. One day my brother crushed the ballerina. She was all twisted and bent, but I could see if I tried to bend her back she would just break apart. You remind me of that poor sweet ballerina, Jade. Whenever I see you and Tori together you're just crushed. And if you try to put things back the way they were you are going to fall apart."
"I don't like Tori." I said. "Just because I broke up with Beck, doesn't mean I like Tori."
"Obviously not. You liked Tori a long time before you broke up with Beck." Cat said.
"I've been in love with Beck since eighth grade. The reason we broke up is because we both decided we were too young to be this serious." I explained.
But she came right back with, "I saw how you were sophomore year. When Beck was even friends with Alyssa Vaughn. Then, when you were broken up and you thought they might be dating; you were beside yourself. Now the two of them are properly dating and last week when she stopped by school to have lunch with him. She was sitting on his lap. You were civil to her and friendly to Beck. You treated her every bit as well as you treat Sam. Which means you don't care about Beck in that way any more than you're into me."
How frustrating. "So now that you're in a happy relationship you know what everyone else is feeling. Is that it?"
"You have been weird around Tori since the first day she was at Hollywood Arts. That was years before I even met Sam. So our love didn't give me the power to see your heart. It must be because you wear it out in the open if someone knows where to look. The moment she came in you were acting weird and showing off for her like a teenage boy. The second day when she was late you were all floppy and disappointed. Then when she showed up after all; you clearly sat up straight and took an interest in class. I remember. I was looking right at you."
"I don't know what you're talking about!" I yelled. But I kinda did. It's not like I had some love at first sight moment with Tori though. It was more a 'liked as a person at first sight' moment. But even that doesn't often happen to me and I didn't know what to make of it.
The general all encompassing affection that means she can do no wrong, because anything she does is right by definition because she did it. The feeling that I feel for Cat came pretty quickly too. But she at least is strange and broken like me. We have an equal friendship.
Feeling something very similar for Tori practically from the moment I met her. That scared me, which made me angry. Which I took out on her. I think I was testing her. Seeing what my anger meant to her. Nothing, of course was the answer. She just saw me as that angry dark strange girl like everyone did. Apparently this connection that I felt was one sided. Which made me even madder at her. Which made me a little mad at Cat those first few days. Why is she the only one who sees through my chiz.
But I knew the answer to that. Beck taught me that the 'norms' are like a whole different species. Not intentionally. By being my first 'norm'.
Those of us with scars, however we got them; Cat with a brother who performed more sick experiments on her than a Nazi medical class or my own experience with a father who still referred to me as 'young Miss West' at home and only called me by my first name in public because my mother said it was customary or my mother herself who when I asked if she loved me, when I was five, said, "Clearly I have some affection for you. It stands to reason." People like us, the twisted, whatever twists us also skews how we look at things. Like calls to like.
But Tori, Tori didn't care beyond 'too bad, so sad'. that I was angry with her or didn't like her. Cat would have been begging forgiveness or savaging me with her nails and teeth, depending on whose fault she decided it was, if I treated her like I treated Tori.
But within a month of her coming to Hollywood Arts I tricked Tori in a stage fighting class and made it look like she hurt me. And she took the punishment for it even after she found out it was a trick. That was when things stepped up a notch between us.
That whole first year things got a bit up and down. Because I didn't know what to make of her. I'm in love with Beck and that's not going anywhere. Cat's my best friend and that's not going anywhere either. I'm scared by how much I like Tori and I don't know what to make of it. But she clearly likes me too so nothing to be scared of so I just tease her because she's a goody goody Miss Sally Peaches and we have fun. I know I'm playing. And I'm pretty sure she knows I'm playing and if she's not one hundred percent sure; she deserves it because she has a charmed life and deserves a little bit of the business just to make it even.
It was all fun and games until we were at that fancy restaurant and she was singing, "Tell Me That You Love Me" and she touched my shoulder, and suddenly she was singing to me. I looked at her like I was vexed but suddenly not only was she wearing my dress, she was wearing my stockings. A moment later I was looking up at her a little shyly. The next week she was dealing with Cat dating her old boyfriend. And I was in love with Beck, and I wasn't questioning my love for Beck, I was just questioning my feelings for Tori, and they were different.
So it went, for years, I cared about her but I didn't understand her. She volunteered to help me even though I was mean to her. I depended on her in a way I couldn't depend on anyone else. And that was how I fell in love with her. She was the only person in my life who consistantly came through for me. Starting with not getting me busted in stage fighting. Then getting me Beck back. Saving us at the fancy dinner then saving us at the kareoke singoff. She was the one who got my play produced even if it was a fiasco. She was also the one who gave me one perfect performance.
By the end of that first year I was in love with her, I was just in love with Beck too and I was confused and as usual for me, angry. Then we had a year of confusion. A year of back and forth. Because if I'm going to be honest I didn't want to be in love with Tori. I didn't want to be in love with Beck. I looked at my parents and the life of a soulless drone honestly looked easier. and if not easier at least more predictable, because I honestly didn't know if I had it in me to be there for a real person. I knew I had more love, more spirit, more everything than they did. But I didn't know if I had enough for a real relationship. when I was broken up with Beck and I said I didn't care what he did because we were broken up, sometimes I was lying to cover my feelings but sometimes I honestly felt nothing, it honestly was because I didn't care. Sometimes I didn't care what he did when we were together. Same could be said for Tori. Sometimes I didn't give a warm waz balloon what she did. and that wasn't love, was it. normal people cared what their lovers did. Didn't they?
So then I thought, in our third year, that we'd found a happy balance. Beck was my boyfriend and Tori and I were learning to be friends. My feelings for them were still pretty interchangeable. and if I'm being honest there were times when I had to be careful not to call them by each others names. But there were societal conveniences to just letting sleeping dogs lie. The triangle was there but I was the only corner who specifically liked to go against convention and the other two were without a doubt pro-normalacy.
There was a day when Sikowicz sent us on that stupid date. When he said those words, that we'd have to date my heart jumped as it totally crystallized what I wanted. And I could see Tori was asking the same questions I was. 'Could a teacher make us go on a date?' and 'how did we feel about that?' Of course he couldn't and he wouldn't if he could. He just meant a friend date.
But afterwards, I couldn't help myself and I came clean to her. I don't know why. I think I was drunk on the shame we dished out to those stupid pogs at Wazu. I kissed Tori full on the mouth. Parted lips with no tongue. Just a touch of lingering and said to her. "I'd do anything for you. If you gave me some signal. If you said the word."
She looked into my eyes for maybe thirty seconds before she said. "You and Beck have only been broken up for a few weeks." She said, "But it's not even that. I feel what we have. But I'm not Beck. And even he got sick of the conflict and the chaos. I don't want the constant petty debate. But I suspect he will miss it, I suspect he will come back. With me, I want it to be me and you against the world. When you are ready to put your shield down when you are in my arms, I will snatch you up and I will hold you so tight and I will never let you go. You can bicker with everyone else in the world; till the cows come home if thats how you want to play it. But either I'm on the same side of that last wall with you. Or I'm on this side with the rest of the world."
I couldn't have expected anything different. It was the one place her and Beck were different and I wanted to be pissed but at the end of the day it was what I wanted and it was why I said what I said. It's just when faced with it I couldn't take her offered hand, and I backed off. The next day when we did our play and we said our 'I love you's at the end we both knew we both meant it and we both knew with bittersweet certainty that it wasn't enough to really make a difference.
But there's no question that was a turning point with her and I. Even though I didn't take her hand. Even though I did take Beck's when he offered it again. Even though I still treated her like a grunch. That was the turning point.
Because that was when I started to hate myself for how I treated her. That was when I started to really judge myself because I couldn't just sweep her up in my arms and be her loving partner and admirer regardless of what face I showed everyone else.
And in that crazy knot of self disgust was a little bit reserved for being disgusted with myself because I couldn't hold it against her that she didn't understand why I couldn't do it. A part of me wanted to hate her for not understanding (to hate her for being healthy and sane)and of course I couldn't, which only made me hate myself more.
There were other milestones, but things didn't really get moving until the summer before Senior year when I broke up with Beck permenantly. Somewhere along the way we got to where we were in that first year with Tori in reverse. Now I was in love with Tori and just very fond of Beck as a person. Sadly it happened in a moment. And it was a moment Beck and I were in bed together. Suddenly it was like kissing my brother. Rather than pushing him off me with an 'Ewwwhh.' Which I wanted to do if I'm being completely honest. I faked a severe muscle spasm that wouldn't go away and the pain ruined the mood. Then I made sure the mood didn't happen again for a few days, and I let him down easy. Because this wasn't a fight, or a power play, or a spur of the moment thing. I was really done with him forever. But he still meant the world to me, and I honestly hoped he'd be in my life for the rest of my life. Not in an 'I know him an consider him fondly way' but in a 'we go on holiday vacations together' way. I would be thrilled if his kids married my kids.
That was Phase Two. Phase One was when I realized I once thought I'd be happy to argue with Beck forever. Then I realized I wanted to find a way to never argue with Tori again. Phase Two was for two years I pictured me and Beck spending our lives together two unmarried artists who don't have to follow society's rules. But when I thought of Tori I wanted to marry her and have kids and a nice house and peace and love and warmth. It's not that I didn't want those things before, it's that I didn't think I could have them. I used to think the best way I could rebel against my ghastly parents was to have a life that they would hate to see me in. But I was beginning to realize the best way to rebel was to be happy. They didn't know they did anything wrong; plus they would never believe it. And honestly, if I just wanted to make them unhappy while being happy myself, being a lesbian would be enough.
Halloween of senior year. Obviously Halloween is an important day to me. I took Tori to a nice dinner before we went to the Halloween party we were due at and I told her I wasn't sure if I could give her what she needed and deserved. I wanted to make promises, but I wasn't sure I could. I suggested that she give me until the holidays as her friend. To stop picking on her and starting meaningless arguments. To treat her like someone I respect and admire and if I could do that, we could date. If I couldn't. I would bite the bullet and seek counseling. She cried a little and agreed.
Since then we have had to reset the clock twenty-six times and it was not looking good.
Halloween was right about the same time Cat finally sat Robbie down and had the 'I've tried to be nice, but this is never ever ever ever ever ever going to happen. and if you think that's too many evers it's not, because that's how much it's not happening.' talk that she had been putting off. She wasn't official with her girl yet but she was feeling strong enough and her very obvious hints just were not landing with him.
It wasn't even a week before he started creeping on Tori. Who also tried to be nice-ish but she wasn't even as careful as Cat had been. Rex thought this was hilarious and was openly mocking of Robbie. But then one day the tables turned and Rex was talking about how "All you ganky grunches are gonna pay for how you treated my boy."
And the next day Tori was gone. In the morning Trina and Mrs Vega had found her missing when they went to investigate why she hadn't gotten up for school. There was no note. Only a handful of Tori's hair nailed to the wall with a hatchet.
The police didn't know what to make of it. They asked if Tori had any enemies. But of course she didn't. She was Sweet Sally Peaches, nicest girl in the world. The police told us to just go to school and try to live normally. But of course I wasn't going to do that.
I not only had a pretty clear idea of the inside of the criminal mind, I had a perky red velvet sidekick who knew it even better than I did.
"Sure I'll help," Cat said when I asked her. "My brother's kidnapped heaps of teenaged girls. My dad always smoothed it over, because he's a wealthy businessman."
"They let the sons of wealthy businessmen get away with abducting teenage girls?" I asked. I wasn't laughing, but I think it was obvious even to her that I didn't believe her.
"Oh Jade, sweet silly Jade." She said, like I was the idiot. "They let the sons of city mayors get away with kidnapping teenage girls. They let the sons of state senators get away with kidnapping teenage girls. Teenage girls are the collectibles of the modern criminal. There is a worse solve rate for kidnapping teenage girls than there is for any crime worse than shoplifting. Made worse because they don't know who was stolen and who left willingly. and the hatchet and hair changes nothing. Too many runaways with a taste for the dramatic have done the same thing. The authorities will look slightly harder for her than they would for a rich woman's dog."
"But her dad is a cop." I said.
"That actually will work against her." Cat said, "He can't work the case, because he's too close to it. And the department can't be seen to be showing favoritism. So all the kidnapping cases will get extra manpower to mask the fact that this one is. But in the end it will all balance out to nothing. Unless someone gets lucky. "The only positive, is while we snoop around we will basically be above the law. Because the department wants the word on the street to be if you mess with a cop's family you will be caught and punished.' so whatever we do will be retconned after the fact to have been in fact legal maneuverings made by officers of the law."
"Boy you're cynical." I said.
"I'm a realist. All you people who act cynical are hoping you're wrong. So you get so bitter and disappointed when a realist who has direct information comes along to tell you you're right." Cat said with a sad half smile. Her phone beeped then and she glanced at it and then said. "Robbie didn't come to school today, but that doesn't come as a surprise to anybody."
"You think Robbie took her?" I asked, a bit surprised.
She stared at me for a moment. Her mouth actually opened a little bit. "Was there ever any other suspect in your mind? Honestly?"
"I guess I just assumed it was a stranger." I said.
"Seriously Jade? Get your head in the game. This is Tori's life for Criminy's sake! It's almost never a stranger. Plus Robbie's a known creeper. Plus every one of us has treated him as subhuman for years." Cat was basically yelling at me. "I'm sorry to lose my chiz but this isn't a buggin' game."
"No, you're right. But what do we do now? Is it even worth going to his house?" I asked.
"Not at all." Cat said. "But he had a house up at Big Bear Lake that was owned by his aunt and uncle that he used to like to take people to play pirates. That's our smart first stop."
As we pulled onto the freeway my little friend decided to add to my stress. "So, Now that she's in danger, are you suddenly filled with golden love? Do you suddenly see the error of your ways and you're going to sweep her up in your arms when we find her and never stop kissing her?"
For a moment I couldn't even answer her. Because the idea of doing exactly that, sweeping Tori up into my arms, kissing her and never stopping sounded so perfect.
Cat jumped into the silence to say. "We've got a two hour drive to the lake. So don't try to push me off with your normal stuff. I've got all the time in the world."
"Yes I love her. Fine, I love her. I love Tori Vega, is that what you want to hear?! I snapped at her and then scowled going silent. After just enough for the silence to get uncomfortable I continued. "And yes I'm scared that I'll lose her. And that that puppet molesting weirdo has already done something to her. But that's nothing compared to the fact that two years ago she told me that she was mine for the taking if I could get my chiz together enough to have a real relationship with her instead of whatever hostile negotiation I had with Beck. Six months ago I told her on the down low that I wanted to show her what a good friend I could be to her in preparation for showing her what a good girlfriend I would be. How would you say I'm doing in that endeavor, Cat?"
Cat looked completely shocked and said, "Holy waz sister, you're hosed."
"Indeed," comforted to be proven right but of course wishing I wasn't.
"But where you're wrong, sister, is Snorey Tori Boring Pants, who I love and is not boring at all but I was just just enjoying a rhyme."
"Get to the point." I said.
"Tori, is a teenage girl." Cat said.
"Obviously." I replied with just a little growl in my voice.
"She's been raised healthy and loved." Cat said. "She's not like us, so we don't know what to make of her. But she's the one who took detention rather than turn you in for lying about her hitting you in the face that first month at Hollywood Arts. Yes, part of that was because she wanted to get all up in your chilli. But it's also because she was acknowledging that you are the Alpha bitch and you can push her around. That's the reason you have been allowed to reset the friend meter a hundred times so far this year. And a million times in the time you've known her. She'll let you do the same with the girlfriend meter. Make an effort, apologize when you screw up and she'll be following after you so close her nose will be in your bum. Which brings me to the most important point. You fought with Beck because you were using sex to control him so you weren't getting enough, which put you on edge. Now you are getting none so you are mean. If you get with Tori. Don't play games and just enjoy each other. She will be your pretty princess and you will be her jagged jade queen.I promise if you teach her how to keep you satisfied and then allow her to do it, you will have no desire or reason to fight with her. You will see her through the same golden glow I see Sam through."
"Boy you've thought about this a lot." I said.
"Not much. It's been goin on for four flappity-flack years. It's impossible not to form opinions in that time. Sure there were a few missing pieces that you just filled in. But most of it's been sitting there for a long time."
"So you know Robbie best, do you know what we're walking into?" I asked.
"I don't think he'll have killed her. His biggest goal is acceptance. if he thinks there's some way he can get her to accept him that will be what he's working on. Our biggest ally is the fact that he is completely divorced from reality. He still tries to get me to play pirates he still tries to get any of us to date him. the fact that we think he's gross doesn't enter his mind as a reason that would prevent it. Yet he knows we think he's gross. He knows I'm scared to play with him. He just doesn't make the connections literally anyone else would make. Because he thinks he's normal, so he sees other people having normal lives with normal interactions. And he has all these crazy desires , but he thinks he's normal so he assumes we all have them and he disregards anything he sees that tells him differently."
As we started to get near the cabin Cat told me to just follow the signs to Big Bear Lake and she'd direct me when we got close.
"How many pairs of scissors do you have?" Cat asked.
"Four on me." I replied. "Sixteen total in the car. Are you packing?"
"I've got a scalpel with a thermometer cap on it in my ponytail, Some cuticle scissors in my bra and a straight razor taped to the small of my back. Growing up with my brother taught me the value of an edge or two, you know that."
By then we were close enough that she was directing me turn to turn.
Finally we came to a large but weather beaten home. Not even a cabin strictly. More a country estate. A hunting lodge, perhaps. Which was fine with me. Because I was more than ready to do a little hunting.
We managed to break into the house and combed slowly through it room by room. It was quite a nice place, if a little rustic. Well maintained and homey. Clean, but completely uninhabited. We found Rex in the basement gameroom, on the couch by the pool table. But no sign of Tori or Robbie. When we were sure the house was clear, Cat suggested we go take a look in the surrounding forest.
We searched for half an hour. We heard noises more than once. But never saw anything. Then I saw curly brown hair between branches at a place it was a person or a bigfoot and in one movement I had a pair of scissors out and in the air. And since they were scissors in my hands, they flew perfectly where I wanted them, hitting the tree with the handle part and bouncing the blades into his head.
"Ow! Fubster!" We ran up to him. I tackled him to the ground kneeling on his back. My knees between his shoulders. "Jade, is that you?" He asked. "What did you do? Throw scissors at me? My head is bleeding! Pretty bad it feels like. Why'd you do that? How'd you do that?"
Cat laughed and said "Do you remember that time at the beginning of the year, when she juggled fifty pairs of scissors of different sizes and made a giant talking head out of scissors. I think she can do a bank shot and hit you in the head from thirty feet away. The girl can do anything in the world with scissors. She's the scissor queen and that's not just a lezzie refference." She giggled while I got my tiny Swiss Army knife scissors out, bent over, put them near Shapiro's eye and said, "Where's Tori, Shapiro?"
"It's Rex. Rex has her." Robbie cried.
"Your doll kidnapped Tori?" I asked.
"Yes, He took her. I came up to get her. I'm here to help her." Robbie was weeping openly as the tiny blades moved closer to his eye. "Please don't do that. I'm here to help."
"So Rex took Tori, with no input or assistance from you?" I asked.
"No Rex is alive. How many times have I tried to tell you that he was alive?" Robbie gasped.
"Never actually." I said. "You have thrown a fit when we say puppet and acted like he was alive, treated him like he was alive, made us treat him like he was alive. Pouted like a toddler when he wasn't treated like he was alive. But actually said the words 'Rex is alive' you have never said those words; in my hearing, to my recollection." I said.
"Of course he's alive." Robbie said. "How else could he have different plans than me at night. How could he go on dates with Northridge girls? How could he pick on me so mercilessly?" He stopped talking and just cried for a minute then he continued. "If you lift up the back of my shirt, Jade, you will see the bruises I have from… Rex's… from Rex's fists."
I looked up at Cat. "What do you think?"
"Do I think Rex is alive? I definitely think it's possible. Do I think he took Tori? I don't know. The one and only situation I could see Robbie Shapiro playing the hero and saving Tori is if he knew Rex had taken her."
Then she hauled back and almost kicked him in the face but unfortunately he'd gotten lucky because I'd shifted my weight for a second and I guess he felt me do it. Because right before she went for him he threw himself to the side and up toppling me off him. Then as I recovered and came at him with my scissors and Cat pulled what looked like a pen out of her ponytail and uncapped it showing it to be a scalpel and Robbie reached behind his back pulling out a little girly two shot purse gun, but still enough stopping power for the situation.
"I don't know why you girls have to have such deeply symbolic chiz, this isn't an epic poem." Robbie said in Rex's voice.
Cat reached out nonchalantly and slashed him shoulder to elbow. "Blades don't draw the attention of bystanders, Roxy."
"You want to be cutesy Cat Valentine, you just signed Tori's death warrant how's that for cutesy?"' It was so weird to hear Rex's voice coming out of Robbie's mouth.
"Before you bleed out? I wouldn't be so sure about that." Cat said.
He pulled a little hand triggered cooking torch out of his pocket. I immediately assumed he kept it in there for torturing purposes. But he just turned around and walked away from us backwards speaking to us as he ran the torch up and down his wounded arm burning the wound shut with soulless precision. "As I was saying, I'm just a wooden boy. and I want to get to Tori so I can put two bullets in her pretty face. But first I have to seal up this cut wouldn't want all my sap leaking out before I do that."
I flipped another pair of scissors at him and these flew even better than the other ones. Stuck right into the top of his shoulder like a dart. But he couldn't have paid less attention to them if he had been made of wood. Didn't even glance over. He just turned on his heel and ran.
"So obviously you were correct, but what tipped you off?" I asked Cat.
"Even if Rex was alive, and somehow kidnapped Tori. How would he get her up here? He's two feet tall. He can't drive a car."
"Should we go back to the house and try to head him off?" I asked.
"I don't think he went back to the house. He didn't seem to be going in that direction."
"But that's where Rex was, remember, we found Rex." I reminded her.
"Rex is in Robbie now." Cat said in such a creepy little voice it chilled my blood.
We followed him to where a cellar door had been broken open. I honestly believed he was going in there to kill the woman I loved, so I wasn't really that interested in playing sneaking games. I ran up on him, landed on his back and since he was already headed down I rode him down the steps like a sled.
Cat ran down the steps behind us. Then while I tried to tie him up she ran past and started searching the what looked like an unused gameroom. I heard Cat opening cupboards and crawling under things. "She's wasting her time." Roxy said. "I wasted that grunch hours ago. after I was done with her. And Robbie was done with her. And this stray dog we found was done with her. Too bad that drive took you and Little Red so long. You could have caught the videos of the dog using her. I uploaded them to The Slap, about an hour ago. Made her watch 'em right before I shot her in the face."
I started pounding his face into the concrete floor and screaming. Made so much noise I didn't hear Cat the first couple times she called. "Jade! Jade! I found her. She's here behind the water heater, she's unconcious, but she seems fine. No blood. No visible injuries."
"Roxy seems out, but you never can be sure. You come watch him, while I check her out." I said.
"Kay, kay." Cat replied.
I made sure she sat directly on his head so she would be absolutely sure if he moved before I checked on my girl. She was sweaty from being in the hot water cupboard but did seem totally fine. I'd called 911 as soon as Cat had said she'd found her. I covered her face with kisses and honestly secretly hoped that she'd wake up but she didn't.
Cat and I had a quick discussion about quickly slitting Roxy's throat while we had the chance. But decided out of respect for Sweet Sally Peaches we would let the authorities handle things. We did make sure the authorities took Rex too, just in case he might be a little bit alive or something.
We went straight to the hospital with Tori and when she woke up two hours later even though we were both with her, she only had eyes for me.
"I've done this all wrong for four years." I told her. "I know you've been through a lot and what you need to do now is rest. But I love you and I am going to do everything I can to make you happy for as long as you'll have me."
She looked into my eyes, licked her lips, and said, "What I need right now is for you to climb into this bed and spoon me."
So that is exactly what I did.