An Empty Flat
Taggart
Ships; Jackie and Robbie - Jackie and Brian
Spoilers: Set between Death Trap and Fire, Burn.. References: Fearful Lightening, A Death Foretold….
Rating: M for language and sexual scenes but not explicit.
This maybe a series…
I parked outside my West End flat and I sat there, willing myself to get out of my car.
The place that I called home was looking cold and empty, as I looked at the dark windows. I needed a place of warm refuge and this wasn't it.
I had buried my best friend, my heart was in tatters and my face stained with tears.
The absence of my husband was an extra stab of pain, my phone had not rung, no text message waited for my attention, I had never felt so lonely.
When Brian and I were first married, I took a leap of faith in him, though I had strong doubts at the fast development of the relationship, doubts about marrying him. He had just taken over my life, left me reeling and I was longing to be loved and wanted.
Brian seemed like my chance for a home life. He was to be a shelter from the horrors that I see on the streets of Glasgow, day after day. An end to the endless years of relationships that go nowhere and of longing to be noticed by Michael. For him to see me as more than a loyal sidekick and not one of the boys. For him so see my as a woman, without the need to be possessive and po-faced if I should spent time with Robbie. I longed to feel sexy and attractive not the one that got overlooked for someone else, invited to dinner only to find that I am the interrupting Robbie's sex life with someone else.
Now I am facing the rest of my life without Michael and I ache inside of his friendship, to go to the pub with him, to grab a takeaway after a long shift. I long for his acceptance of me as a cop, for his help and guidance in a case. Above all I long for the chance that we could ever become something more, that he did not know that I loved him and it burns me now, he was still my best friend and I did love him so much.
A few days ago, I had worked hard to ensure that Michael's death was not written off the suicide of a suspended cop. I knew it was a murder, I fought and won the fight to find his killer. I went home to the flat I share with Brian. It was empty as I knew it would be. I had sat at my desk swallowing tears of disappointment when he insisted that he had to work. Under the concerned, quiet gaze of Stuart, I told Brian that I understood, that it was okay.
Since we had been married, the magic of our honeymoon in Rome had faded fast. It was now a relationship of two ships passing each other in the night. Brian is away so much and I still work long hours at Maryhill CID. We are only really a couple at weekends.
The passion had become more routine sex and what I kindly call comfortable silence but are really yawning gaps in communication, broken up by dinner parties with his friends.
I was utterly drained when I got home; in our cold dark bedroom, I stripped of my clothes and got under the covers of our bed. With tears silently falling down my face I waited for the phone to ring. I emerged from sleep to the sound of my doorbell. I rolled over, I never, ever wanted to get out of bed again. My mobile rang too and I picked it up but it was Robbie.
" Jackie, I didn't think you should be alone tonight. Come on let me in" said Robbie, with a slight slur in his voice.
I was surprised that I was relieved to hear Robbie. He had been my rock in the hours since I saw Michael's body. He gallantly supported Stuart and I on The Mudflats, he held me as he led me away and held my hand, which gave me more comfort that he will ever know.
I threw on my dressing gown and let him in and Robbie stood in my hallway with a fine Malt in his hand, wrapped in his wool coat, which was damp from the cold, misty night air. I felt a little exposed and self-conscious standing before DI Ross in my dressing gown and messy hair, until he touched my face with silent tenderness.
I took his hand and led him into the kitchen.
I had barely eaten in twenty-four hours, I had functioned on coffee and tea with sugar.
Now fine Whiskey burned my throat and warmed more belly, heat and life poured into my veins. Robbie was standing there looking sad and lost; a need filled me.
I felt a deep hunger that no food could fill. I kissed him, my lips scorched his. Robbie kissed me back, hard and insistently, my fingers in his hair. He tasted of cigarettes and whiskey, he tasted of danger and passion overtook us both.
I lay naked on the kitchen floor, still entwined with Robbie, I was aching from the hard, fast, needy sex we had just had. I wrapped myself round him as sudden tears swam in front of me, I buried my face in his neck, while he quietly said me name, I felt his tears too.
I don't remember how I got into my bed, I just found the empty Whiskey bottle on the kitchen floor. I just remember waking up feeling so warm, wrapped tight in strong dark arms.. I turned very slowly as my body and head ached terribly. And Robbie kissed me. And I woke up at once. Blind panic took over and I leapt out of the bed, my heart was racing as I saw what and who I had done. Robbie Ross lay naked in the bed I shared with me husband.. Shit, shit, shit.. I could not speak
I was standing naked in front of Robbie, I grabbed the blanket off the bed and hid myself, turning my back I was burning with shame.
Robbie's hands rested on my shoulder's..
"I know, Jackie. It's OK." Robbie whispered; while planting a kiss on the back of my neck, I sat on the bed in shocked silence and watched as he dressed and walked out of me flat.
In the days that followed Robbie and I have never talked about what happened. My mind was on Michael mostly and so was his. The guilt at my betrayal drove me to attempt to be a better wife. However when he did come home I clung to him like a lost child. I spend much of the time curled up on the sofa and I was grateful that Brian allowed me the space to grieve. He didn't insist we go out and it was a peaceful weekend with him.
On Monday morning, I watched in horror as Brian packed once more..
" Sorry, Darling. I can't take the time off….this is a big chance for me to shine."
He told me.
My legendry strength and control left me and tearfully pleaded with him to stay, I told him that I really needed him, the funeral was the next day. He pushed me aside and went out to his waiting taxi, leaving me with a quick kiss on the forehead. And he closed to door. I completely feel apart, screaming at him to come back.
My world seemed to cave in, my best friend died, my husband had walked away from my pain and had not felt so alone since my Mother died. I didn't even try to go to work that day.
After the funeral, as I sat outside my apartment, and another lonely night beckoned.
I knew what I needed to do. I switched on the ignition and drove to Robbie's flat, praying to a God that barely believe in that he would be alone.
He said me name in surprise, my eyes swam with tears before he had even shut the door. I wrapped my arms around his waist and together we stood in his hallway holding each other. Taking my hand he lead me to his living room and took my coat.
As I sat on his sofa he handed me a tumbler of scotch, which I threw down my throat at once. Sitting down beside me, he ran his fingers though my hair and I moved into his arms. When we kissed this is he was gentle and hesitant. He pushed me back on to the sofa and began to unbuttoned my white shirt and I willingly let him.
This time we took explored each other's bodies. This time he took my to his bed and we made love, we were sober and we both need this connection.