Author's Note: Well how's this for random? This fic kinda popped into my head and the only way to get it out of my head is to write it down. I hope you enjoy. :)
Disclaimers: These four hot guys do not belong to me . . .although sometimes I like to think otherwise. :)
Chapter One: 'Tis Only the Beginning
The morning started like any other. A clear blue sky overhead, a soft wind at their backs and nice level ground. The day was perfect if you wanted to travel to the west.
All of a sudden . . .
BOOM
Thanks to Hakkai's horrible driving skills, Jeep managed to crash into a rock and smoke erupted where there once stood a mountain.
"Sanzo! Gojyo! Hakkai!" Goku shouted frantically.
"Shiver me timbers!" Gojyo yelled as clambered out of the debris.
"My, my that was an extreme collision!" this came from Hakkai, who was busy dusting himself off.
"Mutherfuckingshittinghellish . . .Hakkai's license should be suspended," Sanzo said as he angrily brushed off his robes. Goku heaved a sigh of relief.
"I'm hungry"
"Where's the rum?"
"If you two bitches don't shut the hell up I'm gonna bust a cap on you!" Sanzo growled at Goku and Gojyo.
"Aye, aye Captain tightass!" Gojyo saluted Sanzo.
Out of nowhere, Gojyo got a flask. It was filled with a special green liquor called absinthe(1). Gojyo started to chug the bottle. The bottle, of course, was out of the fourth dimension, which means that Gojyo could never chug it dry.
"My fine fellow, I suggest you stop excessively consuming that alcohol."
"Yeah bitch, sit down before you fall, ai't?" Sanzo scowled. Gojyo started talking to himself, or rather his "invisible" friend next to him.
"Uhh, Gojyo? Who're you talking to?" Goku asked.
"The green fairy. Duh," said as he pointed to his right shoulder.
"There's no one there." Goku said. Sanzo and Hakkai just started at Gojyo. Gojyo turned to the green fairy.
"Goku doesn't think you exist."
"The sad life of an absinthe fairy. Gojyo, you keep drinking that absinthe and I will never go away."
"Aye, aye," Gojyo answered before he and the green fairy went off in a corner to discuss how they were going to take over the world.
Eventually, with much coaxing from Hakkai and a gun to his back, Gojyo was put into the now magically restored jeep. As the four hellions rode into town, Hakkai suddenly gained a British accent and started chatting with everyone, Sanzo was busy giving himself a manicure and Gojyo was drinking himself into obscurity and frequently discussing heated topics with the absinthe fairy. All his companions' new strange dialects left Goku more confused than he was already.
Soon enough, the Sanzo-ikkou reached a town . . .
"Hey, where are you guys going?"
"With my mad flow(2), I'm going to get some bling-bling," Sanzo said nonchalantly as he went off in search of a suitable store.
"I'm going to get more absinthe - in different flavors and pretty colors, savvvvy?" Gojyo said before he swashbunckled his way to the nearest liquor store. Suddenly, Goku fell on his ass.
"Hey! Hakkai, what gives?"
"I'm sorry my dear fellow, but I'm afraid I'm in need of some gloves," Hakkai said as jeep landed on his shoulder. Goku was left alone . . .and hungry.
POOF
"Son Goku! We have come for the Seiten Sutra!" Kougaiji yelled as he pointed a finger at Goku. The smoke cleared to reveal Yaone, Dokugakuji and Lirin.
"Oh man! The others aren't here . . .wait. Kougaiji, why are you in a playboy bunny suit!"
"I told you it looks like a playboy bunny suit."
"SHUT UP Dokugakuji!" Kougaji seethed before turning to Goku.
"LOOK!" Kougaiji yelled. "For the last time, this suit is from last year's Easter bash! And thanks to YAONE!" Kougaiji paused to glare to Yaone. "Our normal clothes are getting washed thanks to Laundry day!"
"Oh."
"….."
"….."
"Don't you have a wedgy?"
"….."
".…."
"Well . . .I can't say this costume is exactly comfortable."
"Oh."
"….."
"….."
"Where are the others?"
"I hope they're coming," as if on cue Gojyo, Hakkai and Sanzo show up.
"FINALLY! What took you so long! Let's fight the Kou-tachi!" Goku yelled with enthusiasm.
"I'm sorry, old chap, but that won't be likely. I have just purchased a suave pair of gloves which I so not wish to take off. I also do not wish to get them dirty by fighting. Maybe next time" Hakkai answered as he inspected his nice white gloves.
"Aye, Matey, I just found a new RED absinthe fairy!" Gokyo announced happily as he now moved his head from right to left in order to talk to both of the fairies.
"Like hell, G-dawgg. Fo shizzlemy nizzle but I ain't about to fightizzle. Besides, I just got my bling - I wouldn't want to dirty it now, would I?" Sanzo said as he admired his new medallion.
"The HELL!" Kougaiji exclaimed.
"The absinthe fairy . . .I've hear of it. I used to have a blue fairy," Dokugakuji informed everyone. "But then he went away . . ."
"That's because we took away your flask and put you in a padded room . . ." Kougaiji stated.
"It took us a while to get you off of that stuff," Yaone interjected.
"Is that why you drank my blue perfume?" Lirin asked.
"Gojyo and Dokugakuji. You were MEANT to be brothers," Kougaiji said as he shook his head.
"I do admire Hakka's nice white gloves, though," Yaone said as he went over to Hakkai and started to inquire about the gloves.
"OOOOOOOHHHHH Sanzo's jewelry is so shiny!" Lirin yelled as she bounced off to play with Sanzo and his new toys.
"Am I the only one here who wants to fight and actually COMPLETE our mission!" Kougaiji yelled.
"I wouldn't mind fighting you."
"Really, Goku?"
"Yeah, but first get rid of the suit. I don't feel comfortable fighting you in that."
"It's not like you're the one wearing it."
"Yeah, but you remind me of those women Gojyo goes out with."
"….."
And so that's how they stayed. Goku and Dokugakuji fought over the absinthe. Sanzo and Liring fought over the bling. Yaone admired Hakkai's gloves. And Goku and Kuwaiti . . . just stared at each other.
End Notes:
(1) Anyone seen Eurotrip! If not . . .just smile and nod.
(2) "Mad flow" "A lot of cash" Sanzo's golden credit card.