Harry Potter awoke, and instantly came to the conclusion that something was right. It was a disorienting sensation, for a young man who had spent the previous decade and a half decidedly not. He blinked his eyes, and with clarity of thought matched by a new clarity of sight, marveled at his surroundings. His glasses were missing from his face when he awoke, but the sound and tickling of the slight breeze on his skin, as well as smell of dirt and the grass he lay on was like all of his senses had been cranked up to eleven, with his vision restored to at least perfect 20/20. He sat upright with a groan, the ache of sore muscles and a bruised and battered body doing nothing to diminish his grin. It was as if a pressure he had been under his entire life had been lifted while he was unconscious, and now he was free to run and jump and expand. He felt like Moody's magical trunk- that there was more of him now, on the inside, than could fit within the barriers of his skin. He silently climbed to his feet and stretched, perfectly content and relaxed to have awakened alone in a field when the beautiful sky and tree line were all he could see under the warm rays of the morning sun. A rustling in the grass behind him turned Harry rapidly around, only to trip himself and land flat on his back before he identified the new arrival.
A giggle helped to identify the witch smiling down at him, swaying back and forth innocently to a tune only she could hear. "L-Luna?!" He stuttered, getting a long look up her body from laying on the ground. "Where are your knick... I mean, where are we?" He blushed up at her, catching glimpses up her skirt as he tried and failed to keep eye contact with his blonde friend. Naturally blonde, he confirmed, more than a little bit distracted from her response. He focused his thoughts as she finished, face burning in embarrassment at what he had seen and thought, and tried to keep himself together. "Sorry, Luna, I don't think I got that. What did you say?" He asked again as he stood, trying to keep his eyes from betraying him again.
"I said, 'it's good to see you've awakened, Harry Potter.' And in good health as well, though you seem to have a bit of swelling there." Luna focused her gaze on Harry's crotch, his trousers tenting out in reaction to his view moments ago. "But I have a few questions, before I can explain what happened. How much do you know about time, the universe, prophecy, and the Deathly Hallows?"
Harry's blush had intensified when Luna had commented on his erection, and then quickly dissipated at her abrupt zig in conversation topics. "I'm no Ravenclaw like you, Luna, and I've never heard of the Deathly Hallows. But apparently there was a prophecy that Voldemort was after down in the Department of Mysteries, and that was the reason he needed me down there. I didn't hear what it said when it was destroyed, but Dumbledore seemed to think it was important somehow."
They started walking south, as good a direction as any to find out where they were or what had happened. Luna began, "So, the universe is like a bowl of soup. Imagine, if you will, that you could take a picture of the whole universe. You would have to be outside the universe, of course, in order to get the whole thing, and you don't really have to take the whole thing at once, because until you have it all at once, there're parts that don't interact and therefore have no impact on one another…"
"Luna!" Harry interrupted. "The universe is like a bowl of soup. How?"
"Right!" Luna blinked, a rarity for her, and started again. "So imagine, if you will, your average person. If you were to take a picture of every moment that person was alive, you would have a whole lifetime of pictures, all stacked together like an infinite page book. Or a noodle. Now, involving multiple dimensions and consciousness and free will are all a big complicated clusterfuck to throw in there too, but you kinda have to take those as just how the universe works. So what happens if the average person over the course of his life, gets into a situation with a choice. Does he want pancakes or oatmeal for breakfast? He can't decide, so he flips a coin. That coin flip could be considered a branching of reality- in the choose-your-own-adventure-novel-noodle of your life, go to page 87 or 225. Pancakes breakfast goes off to the left, gets in a car crash, and ends up in a wheelchair for the rest of his life. Oatmeal takes the bus, goes to work, and does the same thing that day he had been for the past decade, continuing on with his life. So if his noodle has split into two separate paths, and each decision or coin flip or anything could have split off his reality from another, in which something else had happened."
"So the universe is like a bowl of soup because everyone has a noodle of their life, and what? Lumps of meat and the veggies are natural disasters? Earthquakes and hurricanes and the like?" Harry tried to wrap his head around Luna's explanation, and for all that it made a sort of sense, he couldn't understand why she was telling him this.
"Yes! Exactly!" Luna beamed up at Harry, her silver eyes sparkling in excitement despite walking in Harry's shadow in the early morning sunlight. "So that's the universe. Time, for all its value, is constant, immutable, and irrelevant here. The universe travels ever onwards, one second per second until the end."
"But what about time travel? Hermione had a time-turner two years ago, and she went back in time for her classes all year." Harry asked, still uncertain of where Luna was taking him, both in conversation and their walk.
"That's simple, it's just like tying a knot in a string. She went along, doot de doot de doo, and when she was in two places at once it was just a bump. When she caught back up to herself, it smoothed out to a normal strand again. Like the breakfast coin flip, but with a double-handled spoon instead of a fork. But where was I?" Luna explained. Harry smiled at her; for all her genius and madness, she was incredibly flighty, and jumped from topic to topic with little semblance of order.
"You've got the universe, and how time doesn't matter. You said something at the start about prophecy, but if I've learned anything from Divination, it's that the more you know, the worse it will be for you. So as long as you don't think there's something I NEED to know, I'd rather not. The last thing you mentioned I've never heard of before, Hello Death or something?"
Luna erupted with laughter. More than just a mere giggle, she erupted with abandon, shaking and collapsing to the ground. Hardly able to breathe, she rolled on her back in the grass mumbling out "Hello… hello death…" between bouts of laughter. Harry stopped walking to stare, confused at her seemingly excessive reaction. "The Deathly Hallows, as they have been called by those who quest for them. The Tale of Three Brothers is where it comes from, but like many legends, it is more than just a children's bedtime story." Harry helped Luna to her feet, and as they started walking again, Luna began the tale. "There were three brothers, long ago. Antioch, Cadmus, and Ignotus Peverell, and they were wizards of no small talent. Cadmus had recently lost his wife in childbirth, and his daughter did not survive either. In an attempt to cheer him up, the other brothers decided for them all to travel to far away lands, and explore the world of magic. They came to a river, deep and swift, with the crumbling remains of a bridge, and no other way to cross. The brothers paid little heed to the trouble, and with a few quick spells they had a brand new bridge, and crossed safely to the other side. As they stepped onto the dirt on the far side of the river, they were stopped by a mounted being, darker and more powerful than anything witnessed before or since. Hidden in shadows beneath a hooded cloak blacker than night and sitting calmly atop a thestral, a voice spoke to the brothers. 'Congratulations, wizards. Long has it been since any have crossed this treacherous passage with their lives. As testament to your success, I will provide each of you with a boon of your choice.'
"The first brother, Antioch, was a proud and powerful man. 'I would have a wand- more powerful than any other, that would make me undefeatable in combat.' Death, for who else could it possibly have been, dismounted his thestral, and walked to the side of the road. It snapped a branch from an Elderberry bush and returned to the side of its mount, taking a thestral hair in its other hand. With a twisting of shadows, Death handed over a wand. 13 inches, Elder and Thestral hair, it has the longest and bloodiest history of any magical artifact, even now. Cadmus, the second brother, was still not over the loss of his wife and child. 'I want my wife. To see her, speak with her again, after she has been taken from me too soon.' Death stared at him for a moment, before sweeping around the brothers and gliding to the riverbank. It grabbed a small stone from the riverbank, black as night and the size of a thumbnail. With a screeching, cracking sound that sent shivers down the Peverell's backs, Death etched a mark into the stone, and handed it to the second brother. Ignotus, the youngest brother was the most cautious of the three. 'Power, you have granted my brother. And closure as well, for the brother we could do nothing more for ourselves. But though you have granted great boons, I must fear the terrible cost we have yet to see. A cloak, I request. A cloak of invisibility, so that nothing can find me when I am underneath, hidden from any and everything.'
"Death paused at this, if only for a moment. It straightened up in front of the brothers, stretching and growing until all they could see was the black cloak and dark shadow. With a quick jerk, it removed its own cloak from its shoulders and handed it over, returning to normal size as the garment traded hands. Death's appearance remained unchanged, still wrapped in shadow and featureless. And before the brothers could move, Death returned to the saddle of his thestral and disappeared."
"There's more to the story, of course, but what you need to know is that those three items, the Deathly Hallows, are truly creations outside of human comprehension, and that they are verifiably extant." Luna finished the tale as they came to a dirt road leading towards the woods in one direction and off to the open horizon in the other.
"Okay Luna," Harry said as they paused for a rest at the roadside. "So I think I understand what you were saying about the universe, and the Deathly Hallows. But how does that explain where we are?"
"It doesn't, of course." Luna replied, smiling at Harry's confused look. "It's all just the background information. What's the last thing you remember before you woke up with me this morning?"
Harry blushed at her phrasing, vividly remembering the look up her skirt earlier. "Well, we got the prophecy from the Department of Mysteries, and then got in a huge battle with Dumbledore and his Order of the Phoenix, Voldemort and his Death Eaters, the Aurors, and us from the D.A. I remember… I accidentally cast expelliarmus at Dumbledore in the back when Bellatrix Lestrange hit me with the cruciatus. And then Neville… Neville had broken his dad's wand, so I threw him mine as I fell and Dumbledore's was in the air headed towards me. Neville killed Bellatrix, which released me, and then… Everything after the cruciatus is blurry and confusing. The sword of Gryffindor, Voldemort collapsing and melting without his hands, and… He did something. With just hatred and his red eyes, I'm not sure what. But I didn't like it, and wasn't going to let it happen. After that, nothing until there was a curtain waving in a breeze and then an explosion." There was something in Luna's eyes at that revelation- a hint of sadness? A waver of fear? And then it was gone, fast enough that Harry wasn't even sure he noticed anything. "And this morning, when I woke up… I felt great. Better than great. Like I was miserable before, and didn't know it, but it's all so obvious looking back at it. And…" Harry reached up to his forehead, with a confused look on his face. "My scar is gone!? It's gone, Luna! Gone!" And he leaned over and kissed her, before wrapping his arms around her and spinning them around in circles.
They both blushed crimson when Harry stopped and let go, his ear to ear grin dwarfing her small smile and pink cheeks in exuberance. "So what did I miss, then? Is Voldemort really dead? He must be, if my scar is gone too, right? And I still don't get where we are, much less how we got here."
Luna's small smile hadn't diminished in the slightest, but she continued the violent tale. "You disarmed Dumbledore, so Voldemort spent a few minutes taunting and gloating while Neville killed Bellatrix behind him. When he realized that and turned to curse Neville, you somehow summoned the Sword of Gryffindor and cut off both Voldemort's hands with one swing. Voldemort started screaming and melting, so you grabbed Voldemort's detached hands, one of which was gripping his wand, and the Deathstick that you had just captured from Dumbledore. Most of the Aurors and Order members had finished with the Death Eaters by then, and even Minister Fudge had shown up and seen Voldemort laying there dying. Voldemort glared at you, Harry Potter, with such hatred that it was almost a spell itself. The magic in the air was almost tangible- foul, cruel, bloodthirstiness oppressing everyone around, so much that most of the onlookers were frozen in place. And you, Harry Potter, you glared back. For what may have been seconds, or may have been hours, you and the Dark Lord were locked in a contest of wills. Your scar broke open and seeped blood and some foul black ichor, but you did not relent, did not give in. Your own magic pulsed against him, in time with your heartbeat. Lub-dub, we could feel it, pulsing outwards ever so slightly, pushing back against the Dark Lord's, and then fortifying itself, steadying. You fought back, with everything that you had, and when Voldemort finally realized that he could not win, he tried to flee."
"You cast something with the Elder Wand. I've no idea what it was, and nobody else seemed to recognize it either, but with it in your left hand, you unleashed some kind of black net. It tied itself to the archway in the center of the room, wrapped around Voldemort, and then came back and covered you as well. Now, this is where things get interesting."
"Get interesting?" Harry interrupted. "I've been interested the whole time, and I was there!"
Luna smiled. "The Magics, silly. So you Harry Potter, possessor of the three Deathly Hallows, fired some sort of spell with the Deathstick between a necromantic construct Dark Lord and the Veil of Death. I grabbed on to you from behind, because you're my friend and I didn't want you to get swept through the archway. Moments after that, the curtain detached from the stone archway and ate Voldemort, and then the rocks and curtain both exploded, at exactly the time that we winked out of existence and reappeared in the field back there. If you want to continue with the soup, I'm pretty sure it just got stirred quite vigorously and we are someplace that is emphatically somewhere else. You were unconscious for about half an hour, but I haven't seen anything more than the trees in the distance, and the grass we're walking through."
"Luna?"
"Yes, Harry Potter?"
"Fuckin' hell." They both stood quietly for a moment, with Harry finally caught up to as much as Luna knew of where they were. "Thank you, Luna. I don't know what else could have happened if anything was any different, but I'm glad that you're with me, wherever we are. It looks like Earth, but I can't remember any grasses like this anywhere in England. So unless we can somehow find another portal to the land of the dead and recreate the circumstances, which I highly doubt given the presence of some sort of prophecy, we can't go home."
Luna stepped closer and grabbed Harry into a hug. "Fuckin hell is right, Harry Potter. I'm glad you're here. Do you still have the Hallows?"
"Er… I dunno. There was nothing around us when I woke up, but I haven't gone through what I've got on me. Might wanna give that a once over, right?" Harry detached from Luna, and quickly rifled through his pockets. "The Elder Wand, Voldemort's wand, the resurrection stone set into a ring, Voldemort's detached hands, the handle to a knife, my D.A. galleon, and a sack lunch from the Hogwarts House-Elves. Though knowing the elves, it's probably enough for a couple days for us. That's useful. I've got my shirt, trousers, belt, cloak, trainers I'm ditching as soon as we find a road, but no Sword of Gryffindor. Unless…" He held his empty right hand out, and closed his eyes. After just a moment of concentration, the sword appeared in his grip, as though he had been holding it all along. "Awesome! If I did it the once like you said, I was hoping I could do it again. You have anything besides your shirt and skirt?"
"Wand and boots!" Luna said cheerily, gesturing to the wand holding her hair in place, and the sturdy combat boots on her feet. "I was dressed for combat efficiency, and left everything else behind before we left Hogwarts." Harry put the resurrection stone on the pointer finger of his right hand, and noticing Luna's nipples through her shirt concluded that yes, she only had the handful of worldly possessions and they the solid dozen between them. Luna's butterbeer-cork necklace went without mention, as it was the last memento of her mother and never was removed. He packed his things back into his pockets, grateful for the expansion charms that allowed him to carry so much, and reduced the weight to almost nothing. He transfigured his socks into a sheath for the Sword of Gryffindor and strapped it to his hip, his holey trainers abandoned in the dirt.
"Well, which direction do you think we should go? I'd like to find some signs of something before we break into the only food we have. Let's split this noodle with a coinflip, yeah?"
"Dragon towards the forest, Ship to the right." Luna declared, and catching the glinting gold coin, slapped it down on the back of her hand. "Ship! Towards the horizon, and that flighty temptress, adventure!"