Disclaimer: Firefly and its characters belongs to Joss Whedon, Tim Minear,
Mutant Enemy and FOX.
Author's Notes: I've never posted here before. Feedback is shiny. bats
eyelashes Pretty please?
###
It was a dark and stormy night. Except for the storm part. And the night part. Because it was space. But it was dark, which was why Simon Tam, doctor, Alliance fugitive and most importantly, well-toned hottie, tripped over the box in the cargo bay. Simon had been on his way to the infirmary when the lights had gone out, leaving him stranded in the dark. As he groped his way back to the corridor, he stumbled over the box. In the dark he could hear quiet footsteps getting closer to him. "Ow!"
"Mal?"
"Simon, is that you?"
"What's going on?"
"I'm sure Kaylee's trying to fix whatever went wrong with the lights. Just wait, and try not to break anything."
"Thanks," Simon muttered, rubbing his bruised shin. It was a short wait. Simon blinked as the lights came on, his watery vision clearing to reveal a long box in the middle of the cargo bay.
"What's with the box?" Mal asked.
"It's not mine," Simon replied. "I don't even remember it being here before the lights went out."
Mal lifted the lid and peered inside. "Huh." Inside the box lay Saff--that is, Bridge--um, Yo--a woman with large breasts and red hair.
Simon lifted her hand and let go. It flopped back down with a thwap. "She's dead, Mal," the doctor said.
"Of all the ships in all the verse, how the hell did she end up back on mine?" Mal walked over to the com and ordered everyone to the cargo bay.
It was the work of a few minutes to explain the strange scene to the rest of the crew. Eveyone denied knowing anything about the dead woman or the mysterious box. Mal turned to Simon. "How'd she die?"
"I'm a doctor, not a C.S.I.," Simon snapped.
"CSI?" River, his highly intuitive, but heart-breakingly fragile waif of a sister asked. Her cheeks flushed as a smile broke out across her face.
"Crime scene investigator," Simon answered.
"Oh," River said, looking oddly disappointed.
"Someone has to say it," Wash said.
"Say what, honey?" Zoe asked.
"Someone among us is a murderer!"
Kaylee raised her hand shyly. "Um, haven't more than one of us committed murder at some time or another?" she asked.
Wash rolled his eyes. "All right. Someone among us murdered her!"
"And?" Zoe asked.
"Well, what are we going to do about it?"
"Celebrate?" Jayne suggested.
"Maybe we should figure out who killed her first," Book said.
"It could be any of us," Inara replied. Uneasily, everyone stepped back from each other. Simon searched their faces wondering which one them was guilty of cold-blooded murder.
"I don't mean to be a pest, but didn't Simon say he didn't see Mal or the box until after the lights went out?" Everyone turned to look at Mal expectantly. Mal was a world-weary, reluctant hero not above breaking the law, but even he wouldn't murder someone in cold blood, Simon thought.
"I may be a world-weary, reluctant hero not above breaking the law, but even I wouldn't murder someone in cold blood," Mal said. "Besides, I'm not the one she callously used for her own selfish pleasure and then heartlessly abandoned after impregnating."
Everyone turned to Jayne. His lip began to tremble. "Why'd you leave me, Saffron?" he wailed. "I thought you were going to love me forever."
Inara patted him on the back. "There, there," she said awkwardly.
Jayne wiped his eyes, and tried to calm himself. "Sure, I was mad," he said, caressing his belly. "But I'd never hurt my baby's mama. 'Sides how would I have snuck her aboard? But Wash, now he could've landed the ship somewhere while we was all asleep."
"It wasn't me," Wash exclaimed. "I was with Zoe all night. Yesterday, however, Book asked me to give him some privacy while he sent a wave. Maybe he was making secret plans."
Everyone turned to look at Book. "Why's everyone staring at me?" he asked.
"It's your turn to deny you killed her and accuse someone else," Jayne said, crossing his legs. "Hurry up, Shepherd, I got to piss. The kid's kicking me in the kidney."
"Sorry," Book replied. "Um, who's left?"
"River, Simon, Inara, Zoe and me," Kaylee helpfully answered.
"Eeney, meeney, miney mo," Book said, his finger landing on Kaylee. "Uh, I can't think of a reason why Kaylee would murder Saff--Bridge--Yo--that woman with the red hair."
"You forgot her large breasts," Mal said.
"I'm a shepherd," he replied. "I don't notice these things."
"Or maybe all that manly bonding and weight-lifting with Jayne has turned you sly," Mal suggested.
Book looked at Mal. The captain's hand was hovering close to Simon's butt. "People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones," the shepherd sniffed.
"Booook," Jayne whined, desperately dancing.
"Sorry," Book said. "Um, I didn't murder Saffron. Kaylee probably did it to keep Saffron from exposing her deep, dark secret."
"What secret?" Kaylee demanded.
"How should I know? It's a secret," Book answered.
"Move on, Kaylee," Jayne said.
Mal slapped his hand to his forehead. "Just go to the bathroom, Jayne," he said. "We'll wait."
"Uh uh, no way," Jayne said. "I've seen those cortex vids. Whenever someone goes off by themselves with a murderer loose, they wind up dead." He patted his stomach. "I gotta be careful for two now."
"Fine. Someone go with him."
"Don't look at me," Wash said. "You don't pay me enough to watch Jayne go potty."
"I believe it's traditional to send the person who will seem most suspicious and guilty when the two of them inevitably get separated and Jayne goes missing," Book explained.
"That'd be me," River said. "Let's go, Jayne."
"Wait," Kaylee stopped her.
"What?"
"You have to say something creepy and ominous first that we'll all remember later when we get suspicious of you."
"That's not true," Book said. "She also has the choice of saying something seemingly innocent, but rife with dramatic irony when viewed in hindsight."
"Oh, yeah," River said. "Okay, Jayne. Let's go. I promise nothing will happen to you."
Jayne burst into tears again. "Are you trying to get me killed?"
###
"Well, I guess that makes River the one who did it then," said Inara a short while later.
"Now don't you go jumpin' to conclusions 'Nara," Kaylee said. "Jayne ain't even gone mysteriously missin' yet!"
"He's only been gone....hmm, how long has he been gone? Anyone got a watch?"
"No" "Nope" "Not as such" "I surely don't have one" "I think...no"
"This is space, little meimei Kaylee," said Mal. "No need to tell time out here."
"Then how do you know you've arrived on time to finish a job Mal? Huh?"
"I don't recall you having a timepiece either, Inara. You just run on whore time?"
"All right! That's it!" Simon yelled. Someone was being mean to his Captain. That just wasn't right. Also, his sister seemed to be missing.
"I think I know how to solve this. Back in the Core the best parties were about just the kind of situation we're in now. I'm sure that if River weren't oddly and suspiciously missing she'd agree that this is the only way to figure out who killed ah...um..that woman!" Simon declared, pointing at the buxom figure still resting in her metal box.
"Now Simon, you've told me about these shindigs and I ain't letting any law on my ship."
"I told you?"
"You talk in your sleep."
"Oh."
"Yeah."
"But there wouldn't be any law, Mal, we could play the parts ourselves. Now we need a sheriff, a preacher, and a dead whore."
"Well, I think I could more then adequately fill the position of the preacher," Book spoke up with.
"I'm not so sure Book, you seem more like a sheriff to me. You can be that guy"
"Who's the preacher then, Doc?" asked Zoe.
"Hmm," Simon pondered. "Wash would be good for that. It's a real serious role."
"And we already got the dead whore," Mal laughed pointing to Yo...no, Saff...nah, ...Bridg--the red head.
"I don't know Mal, you really think she fits the part? The whores at these parties were always so classy."
"We could kill Inara."
"Mal!" Inara gasped. (Who knew Mal thought she was classy?)
"That does seem a bit extreme, Mal," Shepherd Wash said in a calm and counseling-type manner.
"The dead whore isn't really dead, just acting but I guess since we already have a body..."
"I can still kill the one we got," Mal offered pulling his gun on Inara.
"Hey!" Inara called out.
"Maybe you could just lend the dead whore some clothes, Inara," Simon cajoled. "Then she would be classy." Simon aimed this at Mal.
"No way!" Inara yelled. "I like my clothes dead-whore free."
"You better get out of yours fast then," Mal leered, clicking the safety of the gun he had trained on her off.
"Ahh!! Going going!" Inara yelped, running off to get some clothes for YoBridgeSaffLargeBreasts.
"Well, I guess as soon as Inara gets back with some classy, yet whorish clothes we can start." said Simon.
Just then River ran back into the Cargo Bay. "Gone! Gone!" she cried, her hands covered in blood.
"Uhh...anyone else want to be the doctor this game?" Simon asked before passing out.
###
It was a dark and stormy night. Except for the storm part. And the night part. Because it was space. But it was dark, which was why Simon Tam, doctor, Alliance fugitive and most importantly, well-toned hottie, tripped over the box in the cargo bay. Simon had been on his way to the infirmary when the lights had gone out, leaving him stranded in the dark. As he groped his way back to the corridor, he stumbled over the box. In the dark he could hear quiet footsteps getting closer to him. "Ow!"
"Mal?"
"Simon, is that you?"
"What's going on?"
"I'm sure Kaylee's trying to fix whatever went wrong with the lights. Just wait, and try not to break anything."
"Thanks," Simon muttered, rubbing his bruised shin. It was a short wait. Simon blinked as the lights came on, his watery vision clearing to reveal a long box in the middle of the cargo bay.
"What's with the box?" Mal asked.
"It's not mine," Simon replied. "I don't even remember it being here before the lights went out."
Mal lifted the lid and peered inside. "Huh." Inside the box lay Saff--that is, Bridge--um, Yo--a woman with large breasts and red hair.
Simon lifted her hand and let go. It flopped back down with a thwap. "She's dead, Mal," the doctor said.
"Of all the ships in all the verse, how the hell did she end up back on mine?" Mal walked over to the com and ordered everyone to the cargo bay.
It was the work of a few minutes to explain the strange scene to the rest of the crew. Eveyone denied knowing anything about the dead woman or the mysterious box. Mal turned to Simon. "How'd she die?"
"I'm a doctor, not a C.S.I.," Simon snapped.
"CSI?" River, his highly intuitive, but heart-breakingly fragile waif of a sister asked. Her cheeks flushed as a smile broke out across her face.
"Crime scene investigator," Simon answered.
"Oh," River said, looking oddly disappointed.
"Someone has to say it," Wash said.
"Say what, honey?" Zoe asked.
"Someone among us is a murderer!"
Kaylee raised her hand shyly. "Um, haven't more than one of us committed murder at some time or another?" she asked.
Wash rolled his eyes. "All right. Someone among us murdered her!"
"And?" Zoe asked.
"Well, what are we going to do about it?"
"Celebrate?" Jayne suggested.
"Maybe we should figure out who killed her first," Book said.
"It could be any of us," Inara replied. Uneasily, everyone stepped back from each other. Simon searched their faces wondering which one them was guilty of cold-blooded murder.
"I don't mean to be a pest, but didn't Simon say he didn't see Mal or the box until after the lights went out?" Everyone turned to look at Mal expectantly. Mal was a world-weary, reluctant hero not above breaking the law, but even he wouldn't murder someone in cold blood, Simon thought.
"I may be a world-weary, reluctant hero not above breaking the law, but even I wouldn't murder someone in cold blood," Mal said. "Besides, I'm not the one she callously used for her own selfish pleasure and then heartlessly abandoned after impregnating."
Everyone turned to Jayne. His lip began to tremble. "Why'd you leave me, Saffron?" he wailed. "I thought you were going to love me forever."
Inara patted him on the back. "There, there," she said awkwardly.
Jayne wiped his eyes, and tried to calm himself. "Sure, I was mad," he said, caressing his belly. "But I'd never hurt my baby's mama. 'Sides how would I have snuck her aboard? But Wash, now he could've landed the ship somewhere while we was all asleep."
"It wasn't me," Wash exclaimed. "I was with Zoe all night. Yesterday, however, Book asked me to give him some privacy while he sent a wave. Maybe he was making secret plans."
Everyone turned to look at Book. "Why's everyone staring at me?" he asked.
"It's your turn to deny you killed her and accuse someone else," Jayne said, crossing his legs. "Hurry up, Shepherd, I got to piss. The kid's kicking me in the kidney."
"Sorry," Book replied. "Um, who's left?"
"River, Simon, Inara, Zoe and me," Kaylee helpfully answered.
"Eeney, meeney, miney mo," Book said, his finger landing on Kaylee. "Uh, I can't think of a reason why Kaylee would murder Saff--Bridge--Yo--that woman with the red hair."
"You forgot her large breasts," Mal said.
"I'm a shepherd," he replied. "I don't notice these things."
"Or maybe all that manly bonding and weight-lifting with Jayne has turned you sly," Mal suggested.
Book looked at Mal. The captain's hand was hovering close to Simon's butt. "People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones," the shepherd sniffed.
"Booook," Jayne whined, desperately dancing.
"Sorry," Book said. "Um, I didn't murder Saffron. Kaylee probably did it to keep Saffron from exposing her deep, dark secret."
"What secret?" Kaylee demanded.
"How should I know? It's a secret," Book answered.
"Move on, Kaylee," Jayne said.
Mal slapped his hand to his forehead. "Just go to the bathroom, Jayne," he said. "We'll wait."
"Uh uh, no way," Jayne said. "I've seen those cortex vids. Whenever someone goes off by themselves with a murderer loose, they wind up dead." He patted his stomach. "I gotta be careful for two now."
"Fine. Someone go with him."
"Don't look at me," Wash said. "You don't pay me enough to watch Jayne go potty."
"I believe it's traditional to send the person who will seem most suspicious and guilty when the two of them inevitably get separated and Jayne goes missing," Book explained.
"That'd be me," River said. "Let's go, Jayne."
"Wait," Kaylee stopped her.
"What?"
"You have to say something creepy and ominous first that we'll all remember later when we get suspicious of you."
"That's not true," Book said. "She also has the choice of saying something seemingly innocent, but rife with dramatic irony when viewed in hindsight."
"Oh, yeah," River said. "Okay, Jayne. Let's go. I promise nothing will happen to you."
Jayne burst into tears again. "Are you trying to get me killed?"
###
"Well, I guess that makes River the one who did it then," said Inara a short while later.
"Now don't you go jumpin' to conclusions 'Nara," Kaylee said. "Jayne ain't even gone mysteriously missin' yet!"
"He's only been gone....hmm, how long has he been gone? Anyone got a watch?"
"No" "Nope" "Not as such" "I surely don't have one" "I think...no"
"This is space, little meimei Kaylee," said Mal. "No need to tell time out here."
"Then how do you know you've arrived on time to finish a job Mal? Huh?"
"I don't recall you having a timepiece either, Inara. You just run on whore time?"
"All right! That's it!" Simon yelled. Someone was being mean to his Captain. That just wasn't right. Also, his sister seemed to be missing.
"I think I know how to solve this. Back in the Core the best parties were about just the kind of situation we're in now. I'm sure that if River weren't oddly and suspiciously missing she'd agree that this is the only way to figure out who killed ah...um..that woman!" Simon declared, pointing at the buxom figure still resting in her metal box.
"Now Simon, you've told me about these shindigs and I ain't letting any law on my ship."
"I told you?"
"You talk in your sleep."
"Oh."
"Yeah."
"But there wouldn't be any law, Mal, we could play the parts ourselves. Now we need a sheriff, a preacher, and a dead whore."
"Well, I think I could more then adequately fill the position of the preacher," Book spoke up with.
"I'm not so sure Book, you seem more like a sheriff to me. You can be that guy"
"Who's the preacher then, Doc?" asked Zoe.
"Hmm," Simon pondered. "Wash would be good for that. It's a real serious role."
"And we already got the dead whore," Mal laughed pointing to Yo...no, Saff...nah, ...Bridg--the red head.
"I don't know Mal, you really think she fits the part? The whores at these parties were always so classy."
"We could kill Inara."
"Mal!" Inara gasped. (Who knew Mal thought she was classy?)
"That does seem a bit extreme, Mal," Shepherd Wash said in a calm and counseling-type manner.
"The dead whore isn't really dead, just acting but I guess since we already have a body..."
"I can still kill the one we got," Mal offered pulling his gun on Inara.
"Hey!" Inara called out.
"Maybe you could just lend the dead whore some clothes, Inara," Simon cajoled. "Then she would be classy." Simon aimed this at Mal.
"No way!" Inara yelled. "I like my clothes dead-whore free."
"You better get out of yours fast then," Mal leered, clicking the safety of the gun he had trained on her off.
"Ahh!! Going going!" Inara yelped, running off to get some clothes for YoBridgeSaffLargeBreasts.
"Well, I guess as soon as Inara gets back with some classy, yet whorish clothes we can start." said Simon.
Just then River ran back into the Cargo Bay. "Gone! Gone!" she cried, her hands covered in blood.
"Uhh...anyone else want to be the doctor this game?" Simon asked before passing out.