Author's Note: I am Elizabeth, Jen (spacelover) is my friend, Draco does not belong to me, Voldemort does not belong to me, Harry does not belong to me. I own everything, and that is everything you don't recognize. [The dialogue, the plot, the 'humor,' the Cheese, etc.]
Scene: Basically just someplace, nobody really knows where.
Draco appears. So does Harry.
"Muahahahahaha!" cackled Elizabeth. She glared at Harry. Harry glared at Draco. Who did Draco glare at? (Guess)
"Liz!" Jen said.
"WRONG!" replied Elizabeth. Draco glared at Harry.
In the midst of all the "action," the Cheese appeared. Jen glared at the Cheese.
"What is so bad about the Cheese?" asked Elizabeth.
"I dunno," replied Jen. Jen glared at Harry.
"What?" asked Harry.
"We Know," Draco replied. (Yes, capital letters.)
Harry gasped. "How could you Know?" he asked frantically.
"We Know," Draco replied.
"Well, I want to know how you knew that I knew that I was gay!"
Everybody gasped.
"You're gay!" Elizabeth giggled, "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Pansy Parkinson appeared.
"Oh, like, my, like, God, like, Harry, like! I, like, can't, like, believe, like, that, like, you, like, lied, like, to, like me, like!!!!!!!!!" she exclaimed.
The Cheese was angered by the likes, so Harry was punched by Pansy, who then disappeared to Somewhere.
Harry said, "ow. that. hurt."
"Too bad!" Draco chirped happily, "Because we Know! YAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Yes," agreed Jen, "We Know. YEEEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!"
Happily, Draco summoned the Lightning Dragon while the Cheese summoned the Cheese Dragon while Elizabeth summoned the Fire Dragon while Jen summoned the Air/Wind Dragon while Harry TRIED to summon the Cheese.
The Cheese refused to respond, saying, "I don't respond to retarded gay summoners, because I Know."
The other Dragons arrived.
Cheerfully, the Lightning Dragon summoned lightning that struck Harry, while the Cheese Dragon summoned cheese that smothered Harry while the Fire Dragon summoned fire to burn/melt the cheese/Harry while the Air/Wind Dragon summoned air/wind to make Harry into a big mess... he looked like something the Cheese had vomited, and that wasn't pretty. Draco, Jen, Elizabeth, and the Cheese celebrated in Joy until the Harry mess stuff exploded and Harry was left in the center of the mess.
"Darnit, Harry, what else do we have to do?" they demanded.
"Mutilate me, burn me, drop me into a hole, decimate me, and decapitate me!" Harry screeched happily.
With a sigh of lost patience, the Dragons and Draco, Jen, Elizabeth, and the Cheese were very angry and mutilated, burned, decimated, and decapitated Harry. Then, they dropped him into a ditch. Celebrating, they were happy... very happy…
Until Harry came back to life [somehow]
"You didn't drop me into a hole!" he complained.
The Cheese was angered by this statement and dropped Harry into the biggest hole he could find in his backyard. The world Celebrated with a capital C because the stupid Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, was dead.
Voldemort was very disappointed. "HOW DARE YOU KILL HARRY?!" he roared, "THE PLOT SAYS I'M SUPPOSED TO KILL HARRY!"
The Dragons and Draco, Jen, Elizabeth, and the Cheese pouted and complained, "But it was fuuuuunnnnnnn...."
Voldemort replied in a thundering-voice-type-thing, "I'LL BET IT WAS!!!! HOW DARE YOU LEAVE ME OUT?!?!?!"
Meekly, the aforementioned sinners apologized. Except for Jen. She didn't want to. Voldemort chose to ignore this because he didn't want to waste time thinking of a clever and evil-sounding response.
"I know!" he exclaimed, "Let's have a hair-braiding party!" Everyone except Elizabeth cheered. Elizabeth realized what was going on and began to cheer. (yay.)
So everyone sat in a circle and tried to braid each other's hair, despite the fact that only Jen and Elizabeth had hair long enough to braid. Voldemort Transfigured his hair into long hair. Draco followed suit. The depressed Dragons remained bald. So did the Cheese. (awww....)
"Hey Jen!" Elizabeth exclaimed, "Look at Voldemort with long braided hair!"
"Nah," Jen replied, "YOU come here and look at DRACO with long braided hair!"
"OK!" Elizabeth shrieked happily and skipped over to see Draco with long braided hair. Jen was laughing hysterically, but Elizabeth thought that Draco was hot no matter what, even with long braided hair. Voldemort, on the other hand...
Voldemort cleared his throat. "I'm here here, you know!" he shouted.
[Jen: DRACO SUX! DRACO = LOSER!]
"Hey…" Draco said, "I am right here, Jen."
"So?" Jen asked.
"It's not nice to call me a loser," he said.
"I'm not trying to be nice to you!" Jen replied.
Elizabeth, the narrator and major author of this story, asked Jen, "You're just asking for something bad to happen to you, aren't you?"
"Maybe, maybe not!" Jen replied.
Draco scowled and looked at Voldemort, who still had his long braided hair. "You look... uh... cool, Voldemort." he managed to say.
"Thank you oh so much!" exclaimed Voldemort, river dancing in a circle in his ecstasy.
"Gee, Voldemort," Elizabeth commented, "You sure have interesting ways of displaying your emotions!"
The others agreed wholeheartedly, as did Voldemort. Of that, he only said, "I like being interesting... much better than being... normal." Voldemort shuddered as he said the word, "normal"
"Well, that's understandable," Elizabeth said as the others agreed.
"Jen?" Draco said suddenly.
Jen jumped and said, "what."
"Could you please not say I suck and then call me a loser? It's not my fault Harry has a better broom and always catches that [censored] Snitch before me! Besides, I don't ever want to touch that Snitch again! He almost choked on it! He almost ATE it for crying out loud!!!!" Draco said.
Jen didn't happen to remember Draco's original request, so she just made some agreeable friendly noises and stuck a butterfly clip into Draco's long braided hair.
Draco said, "Oooo! A butterfly clip! Butterfly... butterfly... come here, butterfly!"
Then, he realized that... there WAS no butterfly. So he chased his hair until he stopped, which was when he stopped.
The world was filled with joy as Draco stopped chasing his hair and they dedicated millions of shrines to him and offered him position as "Wannabe Ruler of the Applesauce." Draco didn't want this position, so he just accepted sacrifices.
~Finis~
~For now~
Author's Note: (I have nothing against gays, that was just to torture Harry, and I couldn't think of anything else weird he would be keeping secret, so, I'm sorry if I offended anybody… all in good [or bad] humor…)
Dearly Beloved Readers,
MERRY CHRISTMAS! This is my Christmas present from me and Jen (me, mostly, since I wrote most of it and Jen just sat there and laughed *cough cough*) And if you don't celebrate Christmas, then it's a Hanukah gift (only I'm not giving you 8!). And if you don't celebrate Hanukah, then it's just a gift. Enjoy!
Love,
Your beloved authoress,
VenusSaturnalia,
a.k.a. Elizabeth