a/n: Ok so this for CheekyBrunette's challenge. Just for the record, soul searching is hard. I initially started as having no clue as to what I was doing. I didn't know how to soul search. Was it sitting on your couch in your living room, curling up into a ball and squeezing your eyes shut until it comes to you?... No because then your Mom is going to consider sending you to the crazy shack. But yeah I searched after hours I found it. Hours later, my story was ready… and here it is.
Disclaimer: I don't own BTR, just the plot and my inner demons.
Warning: Very slight language. (And lots of italics)
Inside Out
On the outside, you see a happy-go-lucky Latino. Always laughing, smiling and cracking jokes for friends. His million-watt smile is constantly on his face, never leaving. He acts dumb, naïve- completely clueless to everything. His attitude though is wholly confident-so much so that when people are around him they feel more confident themselves. That is the Carlos Garcia the world sees.
On the inside though, the boy is completely different. When alone, lost in his thoughts, he feels sad. He feels morose, depressed and more than anything- angry. He wants nothing more than to curl up into a deep hole and sob until he can't breathe. He is so different then how he acts.
He isn't always happy. In all honesty he's only genuinely happy about 52% of the time. He's not that friendly either, because he feels that no one knows him; the real him. He's certainly not carefree. If anything, he's always cautious about doing things. He's scared, because maybe, if he does the wrong thing, people won't care for him anymore. Honestly, he wasn't confident at all. As said before, he was scared. He was shy, and his self-esteem was barely there. He's hesitant to meet new people, afraid that once he's attached they'll cut themselves off, tired of him once again.
When people think of the four boys that are in the band BTR, you immediately think of the four best friends. With that thought, you go on to thinking that they know everything about each other. But Carlos knows that this is completely, 100%, untrue. The other three might think that they know everything there is to know about him, but Carlos knows that incorrect.
His friends don't know that he's a bastard. Not in the sense of insulting someone, but in the actual definition of the word; his parents weren't married when he was born and conceived. Logan, James, and Kendall don't know that. They also don't know that he has 6 siblings.
3 are from his Dad and step-mom
1 from his step-dad and other step-mom
And 2 are from his Mom and step-dad.
They didn't know that his step-sister Kylie visits every summer from Venezuela, and that she's going to move into his home next summer after her graduation.
They don't know that none of his siblings are full siblings. Only half or step siblings. And they'll never know.
They'll never know the intelligence hidden beneath him. Nobody knows that Carlos has always been one of the top 3 scorers in class, just below Logan. No one will know because they're used to the Carlos that they've molded and shaped. They're used to him cocking his head to the side, a confused "huh?" escaping his lips. Everyone is accustomed to shaking their heads and repeating what they said in simpler terms. But they don't know he understood them the first time. Carlos knows that he could easily get an 'A' on a science test he didn't even study for. No one else knew that he has memorized a quarter of the numbers after Pi. No one knows that he can read all the Twilight books in one day and summarize easily in 2 minutes. No one knows that he has been getting straight 'A's since he was 8. No one is aware that he studies endlessly at home to get away from all the crap he has to deal with. No one knows, because this is what they've made him: Impossibly stupid.
His friends don't know that back in Minnesota when he wasn't able to play hockey those weekends wasn't because he busy. He would be visiting his Dad, step-mom, younger sister, and younger brother. If he was lucky though, his older sister Sharon would be there too. But this was a very unlikely event, because she's in Texas with a basketball scholarship.
Only Carlos knows how much he misses his Father. He feels like he doesn't know him anymore. Before, when he was younger his Dad would ask for him to visit every weekend, and when Carlos came over they would play together constantly. That was before his Father got sucked into the horrible world called "Work". When Carlos was 10, his Dad started to become more focused on his work. When he visited he only saw his Dad early in the morning and not again until late at night. That's why he doesn't come over anymore. Not that his Dad, cared; he didn't even call anymore. They don't know that he doesn't feel that his Dad is really his Father anymore.
That's why Carlos loved his siblings more than anything. The ones from his Father and step-mom were awesome. Jacob and Jasmine called every week to check up on him. They talked about everything- school, friends and more. Then, abruptly, the calls stopped. He got none at all; not even on his birthday! Did his Dad tell them to stop? Did they realize what a screw-up he really was? But he thought it didn't matter, they've stopped caring, so he will too. But yet, he knows this is impossible, he loves them way too much.
It's a secret to everyone how many demons he's battling inside his head. The demons that tell him to just pick up that razor and quickly slash it against his skin, like on T.V. they say. But just once. Just quickly, but slowly enough for all the pain and emotions he's been feeling to leave his system. But the tiny, evil demons always say, "Just once".
On particularly bad days though, they tell him to go buy a gun and point it at his head. "Just shoot," they say wickedly. They tell him that no one would care- if they noticed that is. They tell him that he's useless, ugly, a waste of space on earth, worth nothing, and absolutely repulsive. He tries to ignore them, block them out. It usually works, but sometimes they manage to get past the invisible barrier in his mind and harass him once again. He's never done what the imaginary demons tell him to, but he has come close. Multiple times.
No one knows that the real reason he agreed to come out to L.A. was to get away from the Hell he calls home. He felt as if he needed to get away from all of the freaking drama he had to put up with. They don't know that he thinks if BTR doesn't work out he can still stay in Los Angeles to become a choreographer or something. He wants a fresh, new start. He needs one.
Only Logan and Carlos know how close the two of them really are. They have been best friends since the day they met back in 2nd grade when Logan fixed Carlos' boo-boo. But Logan still does not know of the real troubles Carlos deals with. The trouble that is far worse than a "boo-boo". They two boys have been through so much with each other: bullies, school and so much more. But the things that really matter are what Carlos would never let him know. Carlos would never let him help with the demons...Or his family disconnection.
Music is Carlos' outlet. He loses himself in the song he sings or listens to. It's no secret that Big Time Rush's songs aren't exactly… in-depth. But singing is his only way to escape his thoughts and demons. Before moving out to L.A. Carlos listened to music 24/7. The fact that people write songs that he can personally relate to amazes him. And now that he can write music that others can relate too, he feels amazed all over again. Carlos still has his iPod at his side at all times, but no one knows why. Carlos keeps it there because music is the only thing that relates to him and keeps him sane.
Carlos is scared as Hell. Why? Because he thinks that if someone figures out about his inner demons and that he's been verbally arguing with them, they're going to put him in a strait jacket and in a Mental Institution. He's scared that if they find out he's been having suicidal thoughts they'll help him or put him in therapy- and he does NOT want that. He's afraid that if his friends find out about his invisible relationship with his family they'll hate him for not telling him sooner- or worse… they'll help. Most people like help. Most people enjoy having others to assist them when they need it, but Carlos is different that way. He thinks that if he lets them help everything will be worse. He can't have things worse. He just can't.
Sometimes Carlos just wants to tell everyone what's wrong. He wants to get a bullhorn and yell about his demons. He wants to be able to tell Logan, James, and Kendall. He wants to be able to tell his Mom how feels. He wants to confront his Dad and siblings. He just wants to talk.
This is the real Carlos Garcia. The one that is scared, sad, angry, and suicidal. The one that has 6 siblings, 3 of which hate him. The one with a neglectful Father. The Carlos that is extremely intelligent. The one that is constantly battling demons that don't even exist. The Carlos that lives and breathes off of music. The boy that has a best friend that can't help him. The Latino that is scared to get help. The person that wants to tell everyone what's wrong to get it off his chest. This is the real Carlos Garcia.
a/n: Wow. This is just… whoa. Sorry if it was sloppy and fast but I put so much emotion into this that I was just to blind to see it or care. So yeah this is me, take it or leave it. If you leave it… suck your mouth with sock!
But I just wanted to thank CheekyBrunette for thinking up challenge. If it weren't for her I wouldn't know of my true feelings, and I wouldn't be able to confront them. So thanks Cheeky. Thanks for helping me soul search. :D
Thanks to everyone else who read it and Virtual Snuggies for those who review!
That's all for today.
Later peepz.