A Confession

or

Be a Man

I, Ensign Pavel Aleksandr Chekov, of the USS Enterprise, Starfleet, United Federation of Planets, do here and on this day, Stardate 6063.5, make a private confession:

Yesterday, Stardate 6062.4, I vas on the bridge, as usual. It vas about 0800 hours, I think, vhen the Captain received an urgent call from Starfleet. I heard something over the speakers about "terminate in forty-eight hours," vhich naturally alarmed me. Vithout thinking much, I asked, "Terminate vhat?"

The Captain vas wery angry vith me. He glared at me and said something like, "Your head, Pavel Chekov, if you don't keep your mouth shut!" This made me feel terribly guilty. Even though Miss Uhura gave me a nice smile, I vas wery upset. Feeling a bit like crying, and not vanting the rest of the crew to see it if I did, I excused myself and stumbled off the bridge and into the turbolift.

I vas feeling even more like crying now, since a couple of drops that happened to roll down my cheek at the moment made me think of tears. "Pavel," I scolded myself, "if you are going to vork on a starship, you are going to have to be a man." However, being scolded again only made me more miserable, and I blindly rushed out of the turbolift vhen it stopped, looking for somevhere to hide.

It vas only then that I realized I had gotten down to engineering. Everybody vas vorking hard, so I snuck around behind a big, blue, round thing in the corner. I sat there, viping my eyes and my cheeks for a few minutes, then I clenched my fists and said, "I am an officer on a starship, and I am able to handle anything that happens vithout getting upset. Nothing can upset me. I am Ensign Pavel Chekov. I have brown hair and eyes, and a yellow shirt." I threw in the last few things because I knew they were true, and if I believed them I might make myself believe the rest also. To show myself I meant business, I jabbed my fists out decidedly.

A crash on my right startled me, and I turned to see vhat had happened. I had knocked a whole bunch of vires and things out of place on the big thing I vas hiding behind, and I heard an alert start going off somevhere else in the room. I jumped out qvickly and rushed back to the turbolift before anyvone saw me.

Vhen I got back to the bridge, I sat down vithout making eye contact vith anyvone, and got right to vork. Though things vere a bit tense, nobody vas taking any notice of me. Everything seemed to be going alright.

Until the time vhen, a few minutes later, there vas a huge jolt that sent me and many other crewmembers flying to the floor. As ve began standing up, the Captain called down to engineering and asked vhat in the name of Andromeda vas going on down there. Scotty explained that the inertial dampeners vere non-functional. I gulped. That hadn't been caused by my little mistake in engineering - had it?

The Captain told him to do his best, and ve started on our vay again. But I vas so distracted that I didn't have the sense to prepare myself for the second jerk that came moments later. I hit my eye on the console in front of me, and got a black eye. That vas vhen Doctor McCoy called up and informed us that there vere patients getting hurt because of vhat vas happening. I kept my eyes on my controls, not daring to look up. I vas sure that if I made eye contact vith the Captain, he vould know that this vas all my fault, and decommission me on the spot.

I fell out of my seat several more times too, getting many different bruises. Now I vas feeling more like crying than ever, between the many pains and the guilt. I vas becoming more sure that this vas all my fault. All these terrible things vere happening because of me.

Doctor McCoy kept yelling for us to stop, and the Captain had a huge bump on his head - the size of a phaser, Sulu said - and Scotty vas vorking as hard as he could and…

That vas the last thought I knew before the ship jerked again and my head hit the floor, this time making everything turn completely black.

Vhen I voke up, I vas in sick bay, vith people running around vorking, and Miss Uhura sitting beside me, smiling comfortingly. I felt the back of my head and vinced. It didn't feel good. Vhen I asked her vhat happened, she explained that I had hit my head and she and Sulu had carried me here. She said I had a mild concussion.

I think I muttered something like, "Serves me right," feeling like I had been paid off for my terrible folly in accidentally breaking the inertial dampeners. But vhen she asked vhat I meant, I couldn't bring myself to tell her. I just said that I shouldn't have interrupted the Captain earlier.

Scotty got the dampeners vorking pretty soon, and things calmed down. I thought I vas through thinking about it, but as I vas laying in bed tonight, I just couldn't stop thinking about all the trouble I'd caused. I felt like if I didn't tell somebody I vould explode, but if I did tell somebody, I vould start crying. And if I cried, I could never be a strong leader, a man like Captain Kirk. So I decided to write this confession. Maybe it vill make me feel better, maybe it von't, and I'll end up telling the whole thing to Sulu tomorrow. But if not, and if someday I die heroically and this paper is found among my possessions, then whoever you are, please give it to Captain Kirk and tell him I'm sorry for all the trouble I caused, and I vill never do anything like it again.

Signed, Ensign Pavel Chekov, Stardate 6063.5.