Hate to See Your Heart Break, a criminal minds fanfic

There is not a single word in the whole world that could describe the hurt. The dullest knife just sawing back and forth, and ripping through the softest skin there ever was. How were you to know? Oh, how were you to know?

Emily sat in her apartment, waiting for Spencer to stop by. There were several mornings and nights after work where Spencer would show up, asking if the two of them could talk about anything, and he meant anything. It seemed to her that he wanted to keep himself distracted, but from what she wasn't sure. When her phone rang, she knew Spencer was downstairs waiting to be buzzed up. She pressed the button and walked over to the door, unlocking it. He walked in a minute later and closed the door behind him, walking to the couch and sitting beside her.

"What's the topic for discussion tonight?" she asked, handing him a cup of coffee. At first, she started offering him wine, because she felt it helped with honest discussions. However, every time she offered, he'd immediately refuse and clam up until he was ready to say something.

He sighed, stirring sugar into his coffee and looking into the mug, swallowing. "Can I tell you something?"

She raised an eyebrow. "Of course you can. I think we pretty much have an unspoken agreement for secrecy, considering…"

He chewed on his cheek. "First, I want to thank you for allowing me to come here for several nights and talk. I really appreciate your friendship and there's nobody else on the team that I feel would do the same, so, as I said, thank you."

"Of course, Reid. I know you'd do the same thing for me, if the tables were turned." She straightened up. "What is this about?"

He took a deep breath before taking a sip of his coffee, setting the cup down. "I just came from Derek's apartment."

"…Okay? Did you two have a disagreement or something?"

He quickly shook his head before sighing, screwing his eyes shut. "No, we didn't. I um," he cleared his throat, shaking his head. "I've actually been at his apartment several times before. More specifically? I've been at his apartment, or he's been at mine, every time before I show up at your apartment."

"So you two have a relationship?"

He shook his head again. "I think, maybe, I don't know. We have a few drinks together, and we don't really talk, but we do spend a lot of time together, in a sense."

"…I can't say I'm following you?" she said, eyebrow raised.

He bit down on his lip, wringing his hands. "Derek and I have been together for the last few years."

"Together?" she looked at him, confused. "Of course you have, you've been on the team, unless of course you mean together as in sleeping tog-" she saw the look on his face and nudged his arm, "you and Morgan? Go, Reid."

He smiled slightly, continuing to wring his hands and looking down at them.

"But you don't seem very happy about this," she observed, moving closer and rubbing his back. "What is it?"

Swallowing, he sighed. "We drink wine, we keep the conversation to a minimum, and before long we're… together."

"But?"

"But… I wake up the morning after and he's not there, and when we see each other at work, it's as if nothing happened. There's no pet names, no cuddling, no mentioning the relationship, which is the part I understand considering the bureau's rules on fraternization between agents, but, I don't know." He shifted uneasily in his seat. "I don't see how we can be together intimately, and then it's so easy for him to pretend that nothing happened. I just, I don't understand how I can cease to exist after we do something so personal."

Emily chose her words carefully, not wanting to say anything to set him off or make him want to pull away from her. She ran her fingers through his hair before rubbing his back.

"I know how bad it feels, Spencer," she started, rubbing his back and trying to calm him down. "I've been in your shoes and believe me when I say that it sucks, but I promise you, there is a turning point where you realize that it can be better than this."

"I enjoy it," he quickly defended, "but I can't help but wonder why it's so short-lived."

She instantly knew exactly what was going on, but didn't know how she'd be able to break it to Spencer: Derek was using him for sex, and letting Spencer think it was more than that.

He sniffed, trying to keep his voice strong. "Why is he never there when I wake up, Emily?"

She sighed, moving his head to lean on her shoulder and continuing to rub his back, trying to calm him down.

There were so many mornings and nights where she had to sit there, dealing with the pain in his eyes, and now that she had an explanation for why, she wasn't sure how she could help him. She had been there for him since it started, it seemed, without really knowing it. For the first time through all of this, Spencer cried in front of her, and all she could think to do was rub his back and attempt to calm him down the best she could. She ran her fingers through his hair and sighed, humming softly, hoping it would help. She knew this would be one of the nights where Spencer would fall asleep on her couch, and she was ready for that. What she wasn't ready for, however, was knowing the truth about this and not being able to do a single thing about it without somehow hurting him.

And I, I hate to see your heart break. I hate to see your eyes get darker as they close, but I've been there before. And I, I hate to see your heart break. I hate to see your eyes get darker as they close, but I've been there before.

Emily had hoped that after this confession, Spencer would be able to keep calm and not let everything get to him. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case, and it only seemed to get worse. Morning after morning, Spencer would show up at her apartment or meet her at the coffee house, completely silent and void of any emotion. She knew it was a front, and on the inside, he was hurting. The reason she knew was the fact that she'd been there in the past, far too many times for her liking. Spencer was being used and tossed to the side on several occasions, but he was blinded by the fact he cared about Derek. The one thing she wanted to do was reason with him, but there were so many failed attempts at it that she just had to continue being an emotional sounding board for him.

She agreed to meet him at the coffee shop one morning, and she hoped it was because he wanted to tell her that he ended it, or there had been a turning point in the relationship. She was up at the counter, getting their drinks, while Spencer sat at a table. Setting the drinks down, she sat across from him.

"Was he there this morning?"

He gave her a small grin before shaking his head, distracting himself with pouring the sugar packets into his coffee and sipping it.

She reached over, taking his hand and squeezing it, assuring him that she was there for him. "Spencer, you're worth more than a casual fuck once in a while-"

"Once a week," he corrected, before distracting himself with his coffee again.

She exhaled before groaning in frustration. "Have you tried talking to him about this?" This was a question she often asked, and she always received the same response, but each time she asked, hoped for a different answer.

He shook his head again, setting down his coffee and exhaling. "I don't want to ruin what we have."

What you have? Spencer, he's using you for sex, you have absolutely nothing except a bruised ego. She squeezed his hand again. "Honey, I hate to be blunt, but you have nothing. He's using you for sex. He doesn't even have the decency to be there the next morning, even if it's in his apartment."

He sucked his bottom lip into his mouth, biting it softly. "I don't know, maybe he's just stressed or something. I'm sure he'll come around."

Having been there before, she sympathized with him, but knew it wouldn't end well if he kept up the delusion that Derek could care about him. Before the conversation took a more negative turn, she put the lid on her coffee, sighing. "Come on, we're late for work."

Without another word he nodded, putting his satchel over his shoulder and grabbing his cup, following her out to her car.

On the drive, Emily looked over at him several times, hoping to get some sort of reaction. Instead she saw Spencer, suddenly fascinated by the things she drove by on the way. At one point she reached over, taking his hand and squeezing it, to reassure him that she wasn't mad at him, and that she would still be there for him, no matter what. Putting her own emotions aside, she needed to be there for him, because it's what he needed more than anything.

"You're a highly intelligent person, Spencer," she started, squeezing his hand again, "and I know you're going to be able to handle this correctly."

He swallowed, nodding and squeezing her hand back. She knew that it wasn't much, but she took it as a positive sign that he didn't pull away or try to get away from her.

When they arrived at work, there wasn't a word from Spencer in the elevator, nor when they arrived on their floor. He simply went to his desk and threw himself into work. Emily noticed that this was a habit he picked up shortly after he and Derek had started casually hooking up. The relationship meant more than that to Spencer, that was obvious, but it would never be more than just sex to Derek. There were several points where she attempted to get it through to him, but it was never successful. Instead, every single time, never fail, she would pick up the pieces and attempt to make Spencer feel better after Derek had made him fall apart again. There were several mornings of him showing up at her apartment, teary-eyed and an emotional wreck, and every time, she would make him coffee and breakfast and try to get him to talk about something, anything really, so long as it would keep his mind off of Derek. To be completely honest, she would much rather see that version of Spencer than the numb mess sitting across from her at work that morning.

She noticed that, throughout the day, Spencer's eyes would wander from his work and over to Derek. The night before last, Spencer had come to her apartment to talk, and they stayed up most of the night, Spencer choosing to discuss what really happened with Derek. The two of them would rarely talk, and they'd just sit there, drinking wine while watching television. Spencer noted that Derek would lean in to kiss him, and before long they'd end up in bed together. Spencer told her how much he wanted that to change, but didn't want to bring it up to Derek and upset him.

"Sweetie," she started, rubbing his back, "if you want things to get better, you need to tell him, or it's going to keep ending up the same way."

He swallowed, nodding. "I know, but, I just, I don't want to upset him and set us back, you know?"

Internally, she wanted to roll her eyes and slap him upside the head, but the friend in her just wanted to comfort him and tell him everything would end up okay, even if she didn't really believe it. "Trust me, I get it more than you understand."

"You know he's been home twice since the start of our relationship and he's yet to mention me to his mother or his sisters? I'd think after being with somebody for over two years, that sort of thing would come up." He shrugged, sipping his coffee and setting it down on the table. "It's just unusual to me. Is he embarrassed by me or something?"

She bit down on her lip before sighing. "I don't know. He really shouldn't be, because in all honesty, he could do so much worse than you. Anyone could really, because I don't think anyone could do better than a multi-degree, high IQ doctor." He smiled slightly, the first smile she was able to see that night. "There we go. You seriously need to smile more and be happy, you deserve it."

He shrugged slightly and sighed, before picking up his coffee again and focusing on it. That night, Spencer ended up crying again, and she ended up attempting to calm him down until he finally cried himself to sleep. Shaking her head, she tucked him in on the couch, before going to bed herself.

She looked at Spencer across her desk and sighed, seeing him getting visibly upset. He soon collected himself and shook it off, looking back at the case file on his desk. To say this was the first time she'd seen this out of him would be a lie: after every single night he'd be with Derek, he'd look at him longingly, whether it was his intention or not, and hope for some attention from him. When he realized what he was doing, or knew he was getting upset, he would shake it off and compose himself the best he could. She wasn't sure if he'd ever catch on, and unfortunately, she couldn't break it to him, so she'd just have to continue being there for him as much as she possibly could.

Love happens all the time to people who aren't kind and heroes who are blind. Expecting perfect scripted movie scenes. Who wants an awkward silent mystery? How were you to know? Well, how were you to know-oh-oh?

Garcia walked up to Emily's desk, leaning against it.

"Out with it."

"…Excuse me?" Emily asked, looking up at her with a raised eyebrow.

"There is something going on with you, and I want to know what it is."

She shrugged. "I didn't have coffee this morning because I was running late?"

Garcia gave her a look before grabbing JJ as she walked by. "What are you up to tonight?"

JJ thought to herself before shaking her head. "I don't have anything planned, why?"

"I am calling an emergency ladies' night. Tonight."

"Emergency? Why, what's wrong?" she asked, looking between Emily and Garcia.

"One, the fact that we haven't had one in at least six months, and two," she pointed to Emily, "she is seriously bummed out and we need to turn that frown upside down."

JJ looked at her, rubbing her back. "You okay?"

She nodded. "I'm fine, but I'm not one to object to a night of ice cream and bad movies."

Garcia clapped her hands together. "Then it's settled! Tonight, Emily's apartment, I'll bring the ice cream and an overnight bag."

Emily gave her a thumbs up. "I can't wait."

This seemed to satisfy her and she took off back to her lair.

JJ looked at Emily. "She's gone. Do you want to talk about it over lunch or something?"

She eyed the break area, where Spencer was fixing himself a cup of coffee and quickly glanced back at her, shaking her head. "It'll be fine."

"Are you sure?"

She nodded again. "I'll see you tonight."

When Spencer came back to his desk, Emily shifted in her seat before looking across at him.

"Everything okay?" she asked.

He raised an eyebrow before nodding, stirring his coffee. "Yeah, what was that about?"

"Just Garcia being her usual invasive self." She cleared her throat. "I have plans with them tonight so I won't be able to… talk. Is that okay?"

He thought about it before nodding. "As far as I know, I don't have any plans tonight, so I should be fine. Thank you, though."

"For what?"

"For checking on me, I guess." He shrugged. "It's somewhat comforting that somebody cares about my well-being, so thank you."

"In that case, you're welcome."

That night, Emily cleaned up her apartment and made room in her freezer, as well as putting several blankets and pillows out on her couch. Luckily, it was large enough to accommodate the three of them if they fell asleep watching movies, and they could all sleep comfortably without waking up sore in the morning. She heard the buzz and walked over, buzzing them up to her apartment. When there was a knock on the door, she walked over, pulling it open.

She saw Garcia in a pair of butterfly pajamas and smiled to herself. "PJ party with PG?"

"You bet. We'll set up while you go change."

She moved to look around Garcia and saw JJ dressed in pajamas covered in puppies. She shook her head, holding the door open as they walked in. "There's room in the freezer for ice cream, and you know where everything is. Just give me a few minutes to get dressed and I'll be right out."

"Sounds like a plan to me!" she took the DVDs out of her bag before walking over to her TV. "Do you mind if I plug in my phone? It died on me at work today."

"Yeah, go ahead. Pick a plug, any plug."

Emily came back out a few minutes later, slippers and all, sitting on the couch between the two of them. "Is this mine?" she asked, pointing to a bowl of ice cream.

JJ nodded, setting her own in her lap. "Half mint chocolate chip, half peanut butter cup, or as PG calls it, mint chocolate deliciousness."

She picked up her bowl before turning to Garcia. "Are we ready?"

"So ready." She reached over, flicking off the lights, before pressing play on the movie.

They watched several cheesy romantic comedies, and JJ had fallen asleep in the middle of their third.

"One down, two to go," Garcia whispered, picking up the ice cream bowls and putting them in the sink. She walked back and sat beside Emily. "Did you have fun?"

She nodded, smiling. "I really did. This was just what I needed."

"Who's the lucky guy?"

"Excuse me?" she asked.

"Answering a question with a question, I see."

She shook her head. "You're not a profiler, PG, don't even try it."

"It doesn't take a profiler to see that there's a man in your life. You're acting differently, you're not answering questions right away, you're nervous and jittery. Either there's a man in your life or you're pregnant, or both."

She scoffed. "I am not pregnant, believe me. What's required for pregnancy to happen hasn't happened, and there's no possibility."

"Okay, so you're not pregnant, which leaves only one thing. Who is he?"

She ran her fingers through her hair, sighing. "It's nothing. He's so far from interested that even if I stood in front of him naked, he wouldn't even notice."

"What, is he gay or something?"

She shrugged. "I don't know, maybe? He's been with women in the past, so I'm guessing he's not 100% gay, but… that could've changed. I don't know."

"Have you told him?"

"I may be older and wiser, but that doesn't mean I can deal with rejection if he doesn't feel the same way." She cleared her throat. "I just don't want to mess up our friendship by pushing him, you know?"

"Believe me, sweetie, I get it." Garcia rubbed her back. "If you ever need to talk about him, or rant or scream your head off, my lair is always open."

"And don't think I don't appreciate it."

They'd fallen asleep not long after that conversation, and Emily was the first to wake up the following morning. She folded up the blankets before putting on a pot of coffee. She'd offered to drive them in that morning, and they were the first to arrive of their time. She was surprised to see Spencer's desk was empty, but shrugged it off, figuring that he stopped at the coffee shop for a drink.

When he finally did show up, he leaned back in his chair, sighing.

She looked across at him. "Everything okay over there, genius?"

He ran a hand over his face before looking at her. "Yeah, it's fine. It's just…" he looked around the room before leaning over his desk, lowering his voice, "last night I tried to talk to Derek, and I mean really talk to him, and Garcia called and interrupted. Afterward he just laid back down and went to sleep."

She raised an eyebrow. "Garcia called him last night?"

"Yeah, why, did I say something else?" he asked, confused.

She shook her head. "I was with Garcia last night, all night. It was ladies' night and we watched movies, then fell asleep at my place. Her phone was charging the whole time."

"But… he answered the phone 'Baby Girl'. It had to be her."

She thought about it for a minute, and then her heart broke for Spencer, more than it already had. He was in yet another predicament: not only was he a casual fuck, he was the other person.

She didn't have it in her to tell Spencer about this, making him feel worse than he already did about the situation. Instead of talking to him, she waited for him to go to the bookstore on his lunch and shot up from her desk, walking to Derek's office and closing the door behind her.

He looked up at her. "…Can I help you?"

"You have some nerve," she started, leaning against his desk, "what the fuck is wrong with you?"

"And by that you mean…?" he said, confused.

"Spencer Reid is worth so much more than being a casual fuck when you're lonely, but that's not why I'm mad at you. You're making him the other person while you're already in a relationship?"

"Excuse me?" he asked, setting down his pen.

"You heard me! You know how messed up he is after his withdrawals and how paranoid he is about becoming schizophrenic. He's vulnerable and he's scared and he needs to be able to lean on his friends and coworkers for support. You've taken that and you've twisted it and turned him into an object for your personal use. Does your girlfriend know about him?"

He straightened the folders on his desk. "I don't think that's any of your business."

"It became my business the second you started hurting Spencer."

"Why do you care?"

She groaned, practically gritting her teeth. She cared about Spencer, and he was just using him for personal gain, tossing him to the side afterward. This left her to pick up the pieces time and time again, and he didn't even care about Spencer's feelings. "Because he's human. Now, does she know about him?"

"Why would she? He's nothing."

"Nothing? You've known him for years, slept with him for two and a half, and he's nothing?"

"The whole situation, it means nothing."

She could feel herself getting pissed off and made a frustrated noise before turning back to him. "You could've told him. How long have you been with her?"

He thought to himself. "Two and a half years."

"…So you've been with her as long as you've been with Spencer?"

He shrugged. "Yeah, it's been about that long, why?"

She groaned. "You are such an ass, Derek Morgan. You need to choose: do you want Spencer, or do you want this girlfriend?"

He got out of his seat, picking up one of his case files and walking out.

She followed him. "I wasn't done talking to you."

"Well, I was done listening."

She could feel the rage boiling inside of her. "Hey!"

He turned around to face her. "Yes?"

The last thing she ever wanted to do was get violent with a co-worker, but she couldn't help herself at this point. She was done seeing someone she cared for getting his heart broken, time after time, and him being manipulated into sex all the time, however it was Derek kept convincing him. Without another thought, she swung at him, hitting him directly in the eye, giving him no time to move out of the way.

"Stop being such an ass," she hissed out, glaring at him.

He winced, reaching up to cover his eye. "What the hell, Prentiss?!"

Hotch stepped out of his office. "Both of you in my office, now."

She knew she crossed a line the second she swung at him, but couldn't bring herself to give a damn. Given the chance to go back in time and changed what happened, she wouldn't.

She watched as Derek walked into Hotch's office and eyed Spencer walking in the bullpen before stepping in after him, closing the door behind her.

"What happened?" Hotch asked, looking between the two.

Derek cupped a hand over his eye before motioning toward Emily. "Ask her, I'm the one that got the fist."

She balled up her fists, counting to ten in her head to try and calm herself down. "I lost my temper," she admitted, before opening her eyes and looking at her superior. "He said something offensive, I lost my temper, and I hit him."

"You couldn't just report it to Human Resources?" he asked. "We teach you hand to hand combat, but to use on unsubs, not each other."

She took a deep breath and shrugged. "In the moment, I didn't think, it was an automatic reaction."

He eyed Derek. "Do you want to tell me why this happened?"

He moved the hand off his eye, wincing slightly. "We were having a private conversation, I said something she didn't like and walked away, thinking I ended the conversation, and she came after me and swung."

"Is this true, Prentiss?"

"Yes, but-" she started, trying to justify it in her superior's eyes.

"Did he insult you?"

"Not me personally, no, but-"

"Did he hurt you?"

She exhaled. "No, as you can see, he's the one that ended up hurt."

Hotch looked between the two and sighed. "Morgan, go put something on that eye and go back to work."

He nodded before getting up from his chair, walking out and making his way to the break room.

Hotch's attention turned back to Emily. "I'm sure you understand I can't have my agents going after each other, no matter what reason."

She nodded. "I understand, sir."

"And if he said something that insulted you in any way, you should've brought it up to me or Human Resources, before taking it into your own hands."

"I understand."

He sighed again. "I'm going to have to take your badge and suspend you for a week, and when you return, I expect you to apologize to Morgan."

She bit her cheek, but nodded, standing up and taking her badge off of her belt clip, setting it on his desk.

Without another word, she walked out of the office, walking over to her desk and pulling on her coat.

"I'll see you guys on Monday."

"…What happened?" Spencer asked.

She shrugged, going through her drawers. "Week's suspension, but I'd say it was worth it."

"What was that even about, Em? I've only ever seen you that pissed off in the field, and it's not very often."

"I was just sick of his piss poor attitude, that's all. I probably shouldn't have hit him, but I can't take it back now."

Spencer bit down on his lip before looking at her again. "Emily…"

She gave him a slight smile. "Reid, it's fine. How about I buy coffee tomorrow morning? I'll even get us breakfast."

He smirked. "That sounds great."

She waved to both of them, leaning against JJ's desk on her way out. "Let me know how that thing shows up," she whispered, motioning toward her eye.

She gave her a quick thumbs up and watched as she walked out toward the elevators.

Emily didn't regret what she did for a single second, because she was raised to not take anyone's shit, whether it was something insulting her or somebody she cared about. All she could do was hope that this would do one of two things: turn Derek around from being such an ass to Spencer, or give Spencer the strength to stand up to him and get the truth out of him. As she walked to her car, she contemplated texting Spencer the truth, but shook her head, knowing she couldn't be the one to make him hurt worse than he already did.

Emily wasn't surprised when her phone rung the next morning. She expected Spencer to call and ask for details about what really happened between her and Derek, and he'd be the one person she'd ever tell the truth of the situation to. She sat in the coffee shop and checked the clock, noticing that he was running late. She shook her head and smiled, answering the call.

"You're late, Reid. Your coffee's getting cold," she taunted. She heard labored breathing and sniffling, immediately knowing it wasn't the time to be joking with him. "What's wrong?"

"Emily, there's someone else."

She gasped, face falling, trying to make it seem like she didn't already know the truth. "No…"

"He brought her to the house, knowing I was there. He introduced me to her."

"Spencer," she started, trying to think of the right thing to say.

"Just my luck, right? I find someone that matters to me, and he's in love with someone else, who's much prettier and much more his type."

The story of my life. "Maybe they're not sleeping together?" she suggested, attempting to make him feel better.

"Her things were under the bed, Em. She's slept there before. He's slept with her in that bed."

She sighed. Derek Morgan, you really are the biggest ass on the face of the earth – I should've given you two black eyes. "Spencer, do you realize how much you matter now? You're better than that. He's heartless and you're a lover. This wouldn't work out."

"No need to rub it in, I'm already feeling like an idiot," he said, walking into the coffee shop and over to her table.

She hung up and stood up, wrapping her arms around him, hugging him as tightly as she could and rubbing his back. "Do you know what you have to do?"

He sniffed, nodding against her shoulder. "I have to stop," he whispered, wrapping his arms around her waist, sighing.

She sat him down, rubbing his arm. "What happened?"

He swallowed. "We talked last night, and he told me the truth. He told me that this relationship meant nothing to him and it was just sex. Apparently it was one of the conditions in the beginning, and I was just never informed." He sipped his coffee, biting down on his lip. "So I kept a straight face and did my best not to let him know how upset it made me. I told him I agreed, which I didn't, and I lied."

"About what?"

He bit his lip. "I told him I'd actually found someone, and that I understood that it was just sex."

"What did he say to that?"

"He proceeded to tell me all about his girlfriend, Cameron," he said her name with disgust, "and how she was pretty and funny and interesting, and essentially everything I'm not. I asked if he liked her, and he said he saw their relationship getting serious, not in those words, so I faked being happy for him, even though I should've told him to shut up and given him another black eye."

"So there is a black eye?" she asked.

He smiled slightly, nodding. "Couldn't be more noticeable."

"Fantastic."

He exhaled, before continuing his story of the night before. "He suggested a double date, and before I could control myself, I kissed him. I don't… I don't know why I did it. Sleeping with him was my way of keeping a grip on who I really was, as stupid as it sounds. I didn't cry in front of him, and instead, I channeled all of my anger into sex. It definitely wasn't my smartest decision, but obviously smart isn't something I excel at as of late."

She shook her head. "That's not true. You're always smart, Spencer. I've said it before and I'll say it again, trust me when I say I've been in your shoes and it sucks worse than any other pain out there. All you want to do is hold onto what you can't have for yourself, and it hurts."

He sniffed. "I held onto him last night, tighter than ever, and he still found a way to get away from me."

"Spencer," she whispered.

He bit his lip. "I woke up to an empty bed and a room that stunk of air freshener. I looked around for my clothes and pulled one of her bras from under the bed." He cleared his throat. "I tried to take a shower and get out of there as quickly as possible, but I couldn't. I had a panic attack in the shower and I only pulled myself out when I heard his front door slamming. I got dressed, walked out, and there she was – I'd never met her, but she was the person I most hated in that moment. He introduced her, waved her in front of me, showed me how much better he could do than me."

"So what happened?"

He cleared his throat, shaking his head. "He said I was there to use his shower because mine broke, she introduced herself, I introduced myself, and I took off. Next thing I knew, I was on the phone with you, and well, here I am."

She rubbed his back, eyeing the clock. She knew she only had a few minutes before Spencer had to leave for work, so knew exactly what she had to say to hope she could get through to him.

"You aren't stupid, Spencer. You matter."

He gave her a shrug. "It doesn't feel that way right now."

"Talking from personal experience, I can say that it feels so much better when you cut the ties. It stings, at first, and it hurts worse than anything, but with time, you realize that it was the right decision, and you'll wish you'd done it sooner, believe me."

He swallowed before sighing. "How do I do it?"

"You're a genius, I'm sure you can figure it out." She nudged him. "I'm kidding. You do what feels right for you. If it's a big 'fuck you' so be it, and if it's an easy let down, more than he deserves," she shrugged, "whatever you think is going to be most effective."

He looked at his watch before standing up, putting his bag over his shoulder. "I have to get going to work. Thank you again, for this. I really appreciate your help."

"Do you think you can do it?" she asked.

"Isn't about what I 'can' do, Emily. It's about what I 'need' to do. This is a toxic relationship, and I need to get out of it for my own good."

She smiled, standing up and pulling him into a hug, rubbing his back. "There's my genius Doctor Spencer Reid."

He patted her back before pulling back. "I should get going. Don't get addicted to any soap operas."

"Believe me, I'm not planning on it."

She watched as he walked out and sighed, hoping he could stay true to his word and stay strong enough to effectively end this 'relationship'.

For all the air that's in your lungs. For all the joy that is to come. For all the things that you're alive to feel, just let the pain remind you hearts can heal. Oh, how were you to know? (How were you to know?) Oh, how were you to know?

It had been several days since Spencer had come to her, either visibly upset or uncomfortably numb, and she took that as a good sign, though if he'd ended it, she would've thought he would tell her. Shrugging it off, she didn't prod and let him continue doing whatever it is he needed to do to end what he had with Derek.

She was lying in bed when her phone started ringing. She reached over on the nightstand, squinting at her phone and attempting to read the caller ID. She saw Spencer's name and sighed, answering it.

"Hey, Reid," she mumbled, head still buried in her pillow.

"I'm sorry if I woke you up."

She yawned, shaking her head. "It's fine, what else do I have to do at," she leaned over, checking the time, "1:28 in the morning?" She knew he wouldn't catch the sarcasm and rolled her eyes. "Come on over, we'll talk."

"I'm downstairs right now, I just need you to buzz me up."

Of course he is. And of course when I look like bride of Frankenstein. She got out of bed and stumbled over to the buzzer, pressing the button and buzzing him up. There was a soft knock on the door moments later and she took a deep breath before reaching for her robe, wrapping it around herself and pulling the door open.

He walked inside, dropping his bag on the couch and kicking off his shoes, curling up.

She sat beside him, rubbing his back. "Tell me about it."

He sighed, wiping his eyes. "I broke it off with Derek tonight."

She gasped, feeling overwhelming pride for him. "That's fantastic. How'd you do it?"

He shook his head. "Then I ended up at his apartment and it happened again."

"…Beg pardon?"

He sniffed, pulling his knees to his chest. "I told him off, telling him that I was worth more than what he was treating me, and I mentioned how he's only able to be with me when he's slightly intoxicated, and it's not fair to me."

She raised an eyebrow. "Okay, I'm with you so far."

"And after he left, I fell for it again. I fell back into his trap and I went back to him and I slept with him."

She reached over, rubbing his back. "I'm sorry. Trust me, I've been there before, and it sucks."

He sniffed, leaning against her. "How do you make it stop?"

She wrapped her arms around him, running a hand through his hair. "You just have to stop it. It's going to be hard, and it's going to hurt, but in the end it's the right decision. From now on, he needs to only be your coworker, nothing more."

He sighed. "How do I do that?"

She smiled slightly. "You end it and you don't go back. You can't fall for the Derek Morgan charm anymore. You just need to realize your self-worth, boost it up, and know that you matter more than casual hook-ups."

He rested his head on her shoulder. "Why is all of this so complicated?"

"Because you'll do anything to fit in and feel like you matter, even if it sets you at an all time low in the process."

He let go, crying against her shoulder. She sat there and rubbed his back, letting him get all of his emotions out. She could only hope that this would be the last time she had to put the pieces back together.

He pulled back, wiping his eyes. "I'm sorry."

She shook her head. "Don't be."

"I loved him, Emily. He's the first person I've ever really loved that I thought loved me back."

Believe me, I feel your pain. She sighed, rubbing his back. "I know how it feels, and I can't say it doesn't suck, but I can tell you it gets better with time."

He sniffed, grabbing a tissue. "I hope so, because I don't know how much more of this I can take."

"Where is Derek, anyway?"

He bit his lip. "I turned the tables and I left him alone for a change."

She gave him a slight smile. "Spencer Reid, you little badass. Aren't you worried about his reaction?"

He sighed. "At this point, I can't say that I care."

She pushed his hair back, taking a deep breath. She needed to say something and get it off her chest now, while she had the guts to do so. "You know you deserve better, right, Spencer?"

He nodded slightly, biting his lip. "I do now. I deserve someone who's going to be there in the morning, somebody who's going to treat me like I actually matter, somebody who wants to talk to me, somebody who doesn't need to drink to be interested in me."

So, someone like me? "Have you ever had that?" she asked, running a hand through his hair.

He shook his head slightly. "Lila never returned my calls when we went back to Los Angeles, Austin and I only lasted a few months, and, well, you know how Derek went." He sighed. "I'm beginning to think I'm just destined to fall in love and deal with failing relationships for the rest of my life. I fall for the people who have no interest in me or just want something. I never have somebody who actually likes me for me."

"What if you did?" she looked him in the eyes, giving him a slight smile, hoping he'd catch on.

"Then I guess I'd be extremely grateful that somebody cares about me, and wants to know what I have to say, and puts my feelings into consideration." He shrugged. "If that would ever happen, but-"

She cut him off, pressing her lips against his, allowing an arm to slip around his neck. She pulled back a few moments later, looking him in the eyes. "You are worth so much more than what he's done, and you deserve to be happy, Spencer. I don't care who it's with, but I can't stand to see your heart break again."

He paused, before looking at her. "Emily-"

She checked the clock and sighed. She should've known she'd regret it before she even tried anything. "It's late, you should get some sleep before work in the morning." She got up, walking to the closet and taking out some blankets for him, setting them on the couch. "If you need anything at all, I'll be in my room. Good night."

He set the pillow against the arm of the couch and kicked off his shoes before lying down.

She watched him relax and finally fall asleep, relieved. She was also kicking herself for doing what she'd done. Spencer was in an extremely emotional place, and was obviously upset. She shouldn't have taken advantage of that and just let him cry it out again, before getting him to relax enough to go to bed. Wiping away the tears she didn't notice she had, she exhaled before walking to her room, lying down on her bed. She leaned back on the pillows and sighed, staring up at the ceiling. There were a lot of things she could've done in the situation, and she was almost positive she had just done the wrong thing. Groaning, she shook her head and tried to sleep, hoping to erase the memory of what she'd just done.

It had been a week since she'd kissed Spencer, and she hadn't heard a word from him since. There were interactions at work, but that was just asking each other about case files and if there was any coffee still left in the pot. She didn't get any text messages from him, and she didn't send any, because she wasn't sure what his reaction was to the situation. One night, she was sitting in her apartment, looking for Sergio so she could verify he was in the house and not hiding on the fire escape. She'd finally found him and picked him up, walking over to close the window. Her phone rang and she leaned over, grabbing it. Seeing Spencer's name on the caller ID, her eyes widened, immediately answering.

"What's up, Reid?" she asked, setting Sergio down on the floor.

He bit his lip, grinning. "I did it."

She raised an eyebrow. "How long before he texts you and you end up back there?" She knew it was a low blow, but it was an answer she was going to need before she continued the conversation. She heard something and rolled her eyes. "Reid, you're lucky I'm a profiler and could hear that headshake."

"Sorry, it's not going to happen. I ended it, I yelled at him, and I threatened him. He seemed genuinely shocked, and ran out of here like a dog with his tail between his legs."

"And his ego?"

"Thoroughly bruised, especially with a nice, burning red handprint on the side of his face."

She gasped. "Spencer Reid, you total badass! Come over with your go-bag, we're drinking tonight."

"Em, we have to work in the morning. I still have to finish my files from the case we just got back from, and-"

She shook her head. "Don't worry, just some celebratory shots."

He sighed dramatically on the other end. "I'll be there in 20."

When there was a knock on her door, she nervously walked over, taking a deep breath before opening it. Before she could even get a word in, Spencer crushed his lips against hers, wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her closer to him.

She pulled back, smiling. "I was just expecting a hello."

He stepped into the apartment, closing the door behind him and running his hands through his hair. "I was an idiot, Emily."

She raised an eyebrow. "Excuse me?" When Doctor Spencer Reid came to mind, the last thing she thought was that he was stupid, and it was definitely the last thing word she expected to come out of his mouth.

"I ranted to you and I talked and whined about Derek, and all along I didn't notice what was actually here. This isn't just a friendship, and I was too blind to realize that, and I'm extremely sorry that it took me this long to actually realize it. I'm sorry that I was blinded by stupidity, and I hope you can forgive me for being completely oblivious to your feelings."

She couldn't believe this was actually happening. Hiding her elation, she shrugged. "You're no worse than any other man."

He blushed. "So do you forgive me?"

She thought about it before leaning in, kissing him again.

"…So is that a yes?"

She smirked, nodding. "That is most definitely a yes. Now, I think a celebration is in order." She walked to the kitchen, looking through the cabinets and pulling out a bottle, along with two shot glasses.

"Oh?" he asked, following her to the kitchen.

She poured a shot and slid it over to him, and he picked it up, sniffing it cautiously.

"…Is this coffee flavored vodka?"he asked, setting his go-bag on the floor, watching as Sergio made himself comfortable on it.

"I was saving it for a special occasion, thought you wouldn't mind." She held up her own shot glass. "To new beginnings and giving Derek Morgan a big 'fuck you'."

He smirked. "New beginnings?"

"Just take the shot and we'll discuss this later."

He shook his head, emptying the glass into his mouth and swallowing, wincing slightly at the sting of the alcohol.

She smiled after taking her own shot. "My little lightweight genius. Should I expect this anytime we have drinks?"

He rolled his eyes, filling his glass again. "I can hold my alcohol just fine, thank you."

They had stayed up most of the night, just talking to each other. There was no longer a big, bad Derek issue, and nothing in the way of the two of them admitting feelings for each other, though Spencer hadn't noticed his while he was blinded by 'his own stupidity', in his words. The next morning, Emily woke up to Spencer beside her in bed. She smiled, moving closer and kissing his cheek, before getting out of bed and making the coffee for them. He emerged a few minutes later, scratching his head.

"Last night we didn't, did we?" he asked.

She shook her head, holding out a coffee mug to him. "Trust me, you'd remember a night with me," she said with a wink.

He took the cup, blushing, as she pushed the sugar bowl toward him. "I'd hope so." He put the sugar into his coffee, stirring it and taking a sip. He cleared his throat. "About last night, Emily, I'm sorry-"

"You're sorry for making out with me, or you're sorry for the three hour honest conversation we had, or you're sorry for demanding cuddling afterward? Because, to be completely honest, I regret… none of those."

He smiled. "If you'd let me finish. I'm sorry for taking so long to act on those feelings. I was so wrapped up in the world of Derek Morgan that I didn't even consider your feelings while I was venting to you for months about him, and I'm sorry. I may be a genius in some aspects, but when it comes to other peoples' emotions and feelings, I guess I could use a little work. Do you forgive me?"

She sighed, giving him a dramatic pause before leaning in, resting a hand on his cheek and kissing him softly. "I guess I could teach you a thing or two."

He smirked. "I'd be happy to learn."

After a stop at the coffee shop, Emily drove the two of them into work. When she parked, he turned to her.

"Do you mind if I go in first?" he asked.

"What, are you embarrassed to be seen with me?" she asked, smirking.

He laughed to himself nervously. "No, not at all. It's just, I don't know, this is approximately, what, twelve hours old? I don't want it to be jeopardized too early on by someone finding out, you know?"

"It makes perfect sense to me. I'll give you a five minute head start."

"Thank you." He leaned over, kissing her cheek, before picking up his coffee and grabbing his bag, getting out of the car.

She watched as she walked away and bit down on her lip, smiling to herself. True, it had taken too long, but now that she had him, she wasn't going to let him go over something stupid.

She walked into the office after Spencer had settled in and sat down at her desk, setting down her coffee and looking at her pile of case files, exhaling. Spencer gave her a quick smile before starting his own work.

When Derek walked in, the side of his face was obviously swollen.

Emily gave him a look. "…Please tell me that was you."

He nodded proudly, sipping his coffee.

She gave him a quick thumbs up. "Getting more proud of you by the minute."

It had been a few months since then, and the two of them were still doing well. They were able to spend time together without there being something else, or someone else, on Spencer's mind. It was just about them, and that's the way she liked it. It seemed like she was what mattered most to Spencer, and it felt like he was making up for lost time, constantly making conversations about her and trying to get them involved in different dates and activities. When they were together, it was as if nothing else mattered, and she made a vow to Spencer to be in the bed every morning when he woke up, never leaving him alone.

Garcia had pulled Emily into her lair, sitting her down.

"Yes, Garcia?" she asked, crossing her arms.

"Don't you 'yes, Garcia' me! There has been a pep in your step lately, and I want to know what's going on."

"First thing's first," she said, putting up a finger, "I am not pregnant."

"…I wasn't going to ask, but great to know."

She smirked. "And second? I finally acted on those feelings, and let's just say they were successful."

"My favorite badass has herself a boy toy?" she asked.

She nodded. "Indeed."

"Are you happy?"

She bit her lip, trying to hide her smile and failing miserably. "I am."

Garcia patted her back. "Then I hope you and Boy Wonder are happy together."

"Thank y-" she paused, turning to face her, "how did you-"

"It doesn't take a profiler to recognize love," she said matter of factly, patting her back. "I just want you two to be happy, because you both deserve it."

Emily had to admit, she was happier than she could ever remember being. Her relationship with Spencer was no longer about fixing his broken heart. Instead, it was about repairing it, and never letting it break again. She was more than ready to take on that challenge, and to show him what a relationship could really be.