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Parody:

Tess Of The D'Urbervilles

By Thomas Hardy

Phase The First: THE MAIDEN

Parson Tringham: Oh look, a drunk on the road. How pleasant.

John Durbeyfield: Urrr….?

Parson Tringham: Oh, it's Durbyfield! What a delightful happenstance! I have some news for you, Sir John.

John Durbeyfield: Wha… what you talkin' bout Willis?

Parson Tringham: You're nobility!

John Durbeyfield: No wai!

Tringham: Yes wai!

John Durbeyfield: Well I'm just going to believe you straight away! And scream it from the rooftops! Modesty, who needs it? I R ROYALTY!

Tess: Tra la la, I'm an innocent girl! Just look at my clean white dress! Obviously, nothing could ever happen to such a pure young sprightly thing such as myself.

Hardy: Oh ho ho!

Tess: Let's dance, oh womyn!

*bunch of women in white dresses dance around the maypole*

Angel and some other dudes: Hey, dudes. Let's join this group of womyn uninvited and dance the night awwwwaaaaayyyy!

Angel: *dances with everyone but Tess* Aha, main character? Who cares about her?

Tess: *watches Angel*

Angel: Time to leave, ma homies!

*men start to leave, but Angel sees Tess watching him*

Tess: *sad to not have been asked to dance*

Angel: *regrets not asking her to dance*

Reader: Woah, they're both surprisingly upset about this seeing as they've never met.

Hardy: It's going somewhere, trust me.

Hardy: Lol, I'm the only person who can get away with using the word "nosegays"

Tess: I'm home to my family of peasants! Woe is us, look how poor we are.

Joan: Not for long, pure and simple daughter of mine!

Tess: Excusez-moi?

Joan: We're suddenly related to a rich noble family - The D'Urbervilles! I, like your father, am accepting this without question!

Tess: Wow, in father's drunken state, he must be telling the truth! But I am going to proceed with being rather less surprised and enthusiastic than one would expect. Where is dad?

Joan: Oh, BTW, your dad's gonna die. He's too fat.

Tess: I am not going to worry about his imminent death and be more concerned about where he is at this exact moment.

Joan: He's at the pub.

Tess: Oh, well that makes sense. Told you're gonna die if you don't stop your gluttonous ways, so go and get drunk!

Joan: Don't worry, untainted daughter of mine! I'll go find him.

Tess: I'll go.

Joan: NO! I insist.

Tess: …You just want to get drunk too, don't you?

Joan: …No. *goes to door* Don't wait up!

Tess: Oh, woe is me, now I must take care of my mother's shit-load of children.

*Hours pass…*

Tess: Hmm… they're not back yet. I know, I'll send my little brother to trek, alone, in the middle of the night, alone, in the wide open countryside, alone, where he is TOTALLY SAFE from robbers and drunks even though they're known for laying about the street. And I'll send him to a pub, full of drunk people! Yes, this is logical.

Abraham: Yaaaaaaay! *leaves*

*Later still…*

Tess: Don't say that Abraham's drunk too! *sighs* I must go myself and leave my mother's shit-load of children all alone. What was the point of sending my brother anyway? Ah well *leaves*

John: *is wasted beyond belief*

Joan: John? Hello? *waves hand in front of his face*

John: …Do I know you?

Joan: *facepalm*

John: Anyway, can I get any money out of this new revelation of nobility?

Joan: Husband… I had an idea. Let's send Tess alone to meet with this stranger possibly with the name D'Urberville who I heard of. Unprotected. Completely alone.

John: What a good idea, wife!

Abraham: Then we can get a lot of money!

Joan: …We have obviously corrupted that boy. How old is he exactly?

John: What're you doing here, boy?

Abraham: Tess decided to send me alone to trek, alone, in the middle of the night, alone, in the wide open countryside, alone, where I am TOTALLY SAFE from robbers and drunks even though they're known for laying about the street. And she sent me to a pub, full of drunk people.

John: Sounds logical.

Hardy: *writes phrase in dialogue "Tess is queer"*

Reader: LOL.

Hardy: Oh, grow up.

Tess: *arrives* Oh dear god, why was I cursed with a family of alcoholics?

*Tess proceeds to drag her father home*

John: Mind the goods, darling.

*Next morning…*

Tess: Where's father?
Joan: Hangover.

Reader: What a surprise.

Tess: I'll go do whatever with the bees, if we can force my little brother who needs his sleep for his proper development and health to go with me at night!

Abraham: *Sadly for him, he is woken up and taken with Tess*

Abraham: You happy you have an arranged marriage?

Tess: What is this madness?

Abraham: Madness? This is… wait, no, parents were talking about it when they were drunk.

Tess: Oh great. Who is it?

Abraham: This kinsman who you're going to meet for us. It's all about the money, sista *snaps fingers*

Tess: Hmm… I think I will ruin this young boy's mind and throw him into a premature depression. Abraham, we live in a 'blighted world'. People get drunk and die.

Prince the horse: *dies with dramatic irony*

This: *is surprisingly depressing*

Tess: *cries cries cries* It's all my fault!

Reader: *sniffles*

Hardy: Ha ha, this is just the start, peons!

Joan: Tess, go meet this kinsman of ours. I can't do it cause… er… look over there!

John: *looks*

Tess: Don't wanna go.

Joan: You will.

Tess: Shan't.

Joan: You will.

Tess: No.

Joan: Yes.

Tess: No.

Joan: Yes.

Tess: No.

Joan: John, back me up here!

John: I don't like the idea of my daughter going and making herself known to these strangers. I'm the head of the house, I should do it.

Reader: OMG! Is someone finally making sense here?

Tess: No, I'll suddenly change my mind. I killed the horse, I'll do it.

John: Yes, I agree!

Reader: …That logic streak didn't last long. When did she kill the horse? I must've missed that.

Tess: *proceeds on a ridiculously long journey, to someone who may or may not be a relative and may or may not help them, all alone*

D'Urberville Mansion: Unexpected modern-ness is unexpected!

Tess: I am surprised at the unexpected modern-ness of the mansion!

Hardy: I will now tell the back-story to how the D'Urbervilles became the Stoke-d'Urbervilles.

Reader: Nobody cares.

Alec: *has mouldy lips*

Reader: *hates him already*

Alec: Why hello there unprotected young girl! I will be your creepy relative this evening!

Tess: *is alarmed* I want to see your mother.

Alec: She's an invalid.

Tess: Wow, what a nice family.

Tess: I'm your relation.

Alec: Are you poor?

Tess: How'd you know?

Alec: I assume anyone but me is poor.

Tess: We use your family crest to stir the pea-soup.

Alec: I will proceed to flirt outrageously with my new relative!

Tess: Um… *backs away slowly*

Alec: *throws fruit into her mouth*

Tess: I don't want your fruit, I want your money!

Alec: Eat it out of my hand! It creates good imagery of seduction.

Tess: *reluctantly does so*

Hardy: *sets up foreshadowing for rest of the book*

Reader: Something is rotten in the state of Denmark.

Joan: Tess! Tess! I've got a letter! Mrs. D'Urberville is accepting you as a relative!

Letter: *actually says Mrs. D'Urberville is accepting Tess as an employee.*

Joan: You must accept!

Tess: Don't wanna!

Joan: Not this again.

John: I don't like my children going away from home, these people should come to us.

Joan: Oh, come off it, we all know you'll give in at the slightest push.

Tess: I will begin to whine about the effing horse again which I am delusional enough to honestly believe I killed, which none of you are denying.

Shit-load of children: *wail annoyingly*

Tess: *Shows her bipolar side by suddenly changing her mind again* I'll go.

Tess: *starts the ridiculously long journey again, but by cart this time*

Alec: *joins Tess and drives manically fast*

Tess: Slow down!

Alec: Since I'm trying to woo you, I'll do the opposite!

Alec: And now I'll tell you horror stories about the horse you're now sitting on!

Tess: This is supposed to make me want you, how?

Alec: *keeps going faster*

Tess: *finally flips* Slow down you maniac!

Alec: If you kiss me.

Tess: How does that make sense?

Alec: Who cares? It's a plot device.

Tess: *lets him think he can kiss her, but dodges at last minute*

Reader: Lol! Owned!

Alec: Fie fie! You'd go back on your word?

Tess: Humph.

Alec: *kisses her*

Tess: *wipes mouth with handkerchief*

Reader: Tess is awesome!

Tess: *has been employed… to whistle… to chickens*

Tess: Oh great… this town is full of drunks too. Wait… I might join them. *joins town in long pilgrimages just to wet their whistles*

Alec: Aha! Tess! What a surprise to see you here!

Tess: …Are you stalking me?

Alec: *pauses* How dare you! I would never *shifty eyes*

Tess: Uh-huh. I've just got here, but I am going to constantly ask to go home.

Dancers: *change partners to find one to satisfy them, and dancing becomes more passionate. Couples start to fall down*

Hardy: Symbolism, bitches!

Alec: Hello, My Beauty. You still here?

Tess: Obviously *eye roll*

Alec: I'll take you home, Cousin.

Tess: No way, creepy bastard.

Alec: Very well, Miss Independence!

Tess: Must you always refer to me by some stupid nickname?

Alec: Whatever do you mean, Coz?

Tess: *sighs*

Hardy: "It was a three-mile walk…"

Reader: Hold up, they walked three miles for THAT?

Hardy: …Your point?

Reader: I suddenly am very grateful for cars and pubs being every few yards.

Car: *back gets covered in treacle*

Everyone: *laughs*

Car: *To Tess* Dost thou laugh? How darest thee! Hussy!

Tess: Well, my night's pretty much gone down the pan.

Hardy: FORESHADOWING FORESHADOWING FORESHADOWING!

Alec: I will wear a thin disguise of your knight in shining armour!

Tess: *escapes with Alec*

Car: *starts to laugh*

Reader: …Huh? Is this the alcohol?

Car's mother: *laughs knowingly* Out of the frying-pan, into the fire!

Reader: …Shit.

Hardy: Exactly *sighs sadly* Prepare yourselves, readers. Though with the insane amounts of foreshadowing I've given you, you should be ready for anything.

Alec: Why don't you like me kissing you?

Tess: If you hadn't noticed by now, you're a moron. *speaks slowly* I – don't – like – you.

Alec: But don't I dazzle you?

Tess: …Excuse me?

Alec: I saved you from the pack of alcoholic beasts! Are you not grateful?

Tess: I suppose I should be.

Alec: SCORE!

Tess: But I'm not.

Alec: We're lost.

Tess: What kind of saviour are you?

Alec: A thinly disguised one. We seem to be in the woods.

Tess: Thanks, Captain Obvious.

Alec: Hey, nicknames are my thing! Anyway, I'm going to leave you, all alone, in the middle of the woods, while I 'look for a way out', and just hope you don't get mauled by any wild beasts or anything.

Tess: How gracious of you.

Fog: Aha, I blind you! I blind you senseless!

Alec: Uhh… could this be some kind of symbolism again?

Hardy: Got it in one!

Alec: Tess? Where are you?

Tess: *sleeps, unhelpfully*

Alec: *somehow, magically, his head appears right beside hers so he hears her breathing*

Hardy: I am now going to bombard you all with so much symbolism, it is hard to tell what is actually happening!

Alec: Surprise sex!

Reader: No way! He's not… this is so sad. Poor Tess *cries*

Hardy: Alas, I have now confirmed this novel's place in the classics section! Just call me 'Thomas Hardy: Depressive Author Extraordinaire'!

End of Phase The First

A/N: Please review!