A/N: Hello. This is a little humor piece about River Song. In reality, it's me being exasperated about some of the crazy rumors that have been abounding around the various websites that I've been visiting lately. Some make a little sense, others are just completely insane. Anyways, this was originally an idea that I suggested to my friend Eleni C for her own story 'How to Kill a Doctor.' But she's been having a bit of writers block lately (and isn't that inspired) so she suggested that I do it instead so here we have it. Please enjoy, and then review!
The River Delta
The Doctor sat in the seat, listening to the married couple bicker gently about something. He'd lost track a while ago now.
His eyes wandered over the TARDIS, examining every inch of his wonderful, beautiful, magnificent time machine. Everything was perfect, completely in place. How boring.
As if the psychic paper had read his mind, he felt it take on a message. Not that Amy or Rory noticed, no, they never would. Human minds could never detect something so… subtle. That was the word.
He flipped open the leather wallet and stared at it. 2011 Earth, London. Please come as soon as you can. X.
His grin grew. He leapt to his feet, and strode to the consol. "Come along, Ponds, we've got a message!" he crowed, cheerful. It was about time they had a good adventure. River Song… a shiver went down his back.
"You're going to find out very soon. And I'm sorry. Because that's when everything changes." River's voice echoed eerily in his mind. Could this be it? Could this be when everything changes? The Doctor actually paused with his hand on the lever that would (with luck) take them to 21st century London. Should he do this?
"Doctor? A message? From whom?" demanded Amy, who had decided that now was a good time to forgive Rory for whatever he did, since Rory had his arm wrapped around her.
"River Song," he said, pulling down on the lever, feeling very impulsive.
"That's great!" said Amy, beaming at him. "It's felt like forever since we've seen her."
"Um… we just saw her the other day," pointed out Rory. "Remember? The casino, the fight, the hostages, the explosion, nearly dying… ringing any bells?"
Both Amy and the Doctor ignored the sensible nurse. The TARDIS jerked, sending Rory skittering into the console, wincing. The lights started to flash, and the TARDIS gave an even mightier jerk, sending Amy crashing into the Doctor.
"Amy!" protested the Doctor, shoving her off him. "Rory, what did you do?" He reached out and started stroking the TARDIS. "What did he do?" he muttered, caressing the buttons of the typewriter.
He then checked the console. "Nothing. You did nothing." He almost sounded as though he were complaining. "Rory, if you're going to crash into the console, at least do something interesting." He led the way towards the door.
"Are you sure that I didn't do anything?" said Rory, a bit nervous.
"Of course you didn't, Rory! Don't you think I wouldn't know if you had?" said the Doctor with a laugh, pushing open the door.
They stood out on an open street corner. Big Ben was to their left, and cars were rushing by. Amy walked towards a bench where she had noticed a newspaper spread out, and picked it up. "January 15, 2011," she called out.
"Right about on time then!" exclaimed the Doctor cheerfully.
Rory made a suspicious sound that sounded like "For once!" The Doctor glared at him.
"Doctor!" yelled a familiar voice, distracting his attention away from Amy's husband.
"River!" he yelled with a grin. River Song was walking down the street, wearing jeans, a t-shirt, and a pair of trainers.
"Who?" asked the familiar woman with a frown, stopping in front of him. She was distracted by his face. "You regenerated again," she said, looking at him.
"Yes, well, maybe, well, who are you?" said the Doctor, feeling very confused. If she wasn't River Song, then who was…?
"You got my message, didn't you?" said the woman, confused.
"Yes, but I thought someone named River Song had sent it. She looks a lot like you…" said the Doctor, looking around, hoping to see the real River in order to get things clarified. Rory and Amy stood to the side, just as confused as he was.
"It's me, Doctor," said the woman, staring at him. "It's me, Rose."
The Doctor did a double-take. "What? Rose?"
"Who's Rose?" demanded Amy, looking at River/Rose and the Doctor with curiosity.
"An old friend of mine, used to travel with me," whispered the Doctor, staring at her. "Rose… what happened to you?"
"I regenerated!" she declared, beaming at him.
"What? How? That's impossible!" he yelled. Another thought struck him. "How did you even get here? I left you in the parallel world with the other me!"
"So?" she asked him. "All that matters is that I'm here now! As for how I regenerated—"
A loud, familiar voice bellowed "Oi! Spaceman!"
The Doctor flinched. "Donna?"
If it was Donna, Donna had changed… into River. River/Donna walked up to him, a scowl on her face, hands on hips. "Yes, it's me, Spaceman. Don't stare." She then slapped him.
"Ow! What was that for?"
"For wiping my memory!" said River/Donna. "I'll have you know that it is not fun having to go back to old me, when I was just getting used to new me!"
"But how can you be River Song? River Song didn't recognize you when we met her at the library! That is just a complete and utter paradox, and you are, were, are human! How can you regenerate! That is completely not even possible!"
"Dad!" yelled a new voice. The Doctor went white.
A new River Song walked up, this one dressed in a green t-shirt, and with her hair pulled up in a ponytail. "Hello Dad," she said.
"Who are you?"
"I'm Jenny!" she said with a grin.
"Jenny! But, you died. How can you be here?"
"Um… who's Jenny?" asked Rory.
"My daughter," replied the Doctor, still looking back and forth between River/Rose, River/Donna, and River/Jenny.
"What?" demanded Amy. "But River's your wife. Or at least I think she is. She flirts with you! She calls you sweetie! She talked about kissing you! That's disgusting! Incest much?"
"Theta!" yelled a new River, walking up the street. This one wore a ridiculous outfit that looked vaguely like the ones that used to be worn on Gallifrey.
"And who are you?" asked the Doctor wearily, as Amy slipped back into the TARDIS behind him.
"I'm the Nurse! Surely you remember me, Doctor! We went to the academy together!" said River/Random Time Lady Who He'd Never Met Before.
"Rory, I think something is very wrong here," muttered the Doctor, adjusting his bow tie.
Another River walked up to him, looking surprised. "Something is very wrong here," muttered the newest River.
"You noticed? Who are you?" said the Doctor, examining the new one who was wearing… oh no…
"I'm the Doctor!" said the River who was wearing a bowtie and the remains of a tweed jacket.
"Doctor, how can she be you?" demanded Rory, who was now well and truly scared.
"I'll tell you how!" said Amy, emerging from the TARDIS with something hidden behind her back, "This author is completely insane!"
"Amy, you can't just break the fourth wall," admonished the River/Doctor. "That completely violates the laws of time."
"Doctor!" yelled yet another River, rushing forward. This one threw her arms around the Time Lord's neck enthusiastically.
"Who are you?" demanded the Doctor, extracting himself from this River.
"I'm your sister, of course!" said the new River.
"No more incest!" yelled Amy, revealing that she'd hidden a cricket bat behind her back and swinging it around dangerously.
"Amy! No!" yelled the Doctor, ducking. "That's incredibly dangerous!"
"Amy," said Rory, ducking and wrapping his arms around her, trying to restrain her.
"Doctor!" yelled…Mickey.
"Mickey! Thank God!" said the Doctor, relieved to see someone without curls.
"Doctor, you've got to help me," pleaded Mickey, looking at him. "Martha's been acting weird lately."
"That's right, you two got married, didn't you?" said the Doctor, looking mildly impressed. "Nice work! What's wrong?"
"Well…" Mickey began, but then another River Song walked around the corner.
"Doctor!" yelled the newest River, grinning broadly.
"Oh no… how did this happen?"
"Plastic surgery," said Mickey grimly. "It's driving me mad. She's completely different!"
"I don't get why you're so worried," said River/Martha, wrapping her arms around her husband.
"You come home one day, and tell me you're going to get plastic surgery for no particular reason! Of course I'm worried… Um… Doctor? Why are there so many new Marthas around?" demanded Mickey, who'd just noticed that they were surrounded by Rivers.
"Long story, and I'm still confused," admitted the Doctor.
"Here comes another one!" shouted Amy, who was still struggling to get loose from Rory.
Sure enough, another River Song was walking up towards them, this one wearing a black hoodie and muttering to herself.
"Hello. Which one are you?" asked the Doctor, resigned.
"You mean you don't recognize me?" asked this River, a large, maniacal grin spreading across her face. "This is a very good regeneration."
"Who are you?" said the Doctor, starting at the mention of regeneration. Then he noticed the way this River was tapping her leg. It was almost as if it was… a sequence of four. "Oh no."
"Oh yes!" said River/Master with a grin. "Isn't it great? I've never been a girl before! It's an entirely new experience!"
"This adventure just keeps getting weirder and weirder," complained Rory, who was still struggling to maintain his grip on Amy.
"Adventure?" demanded Amy, who was a bit disgruntled. "All we've done is stand around and talk! This is kind of boring, in a drive-you-insane way!"
As if on cue, a very bright portal appeared in front of them, and yet another River Song stepped out.
"Hello. And you are?" said the Doctor as he stepped forward, really hoping that this would be the real River, saying things about 'Spoilers,' and carrying around a blue diary.
This River responded by grabbing his throat, upon which he realized that this one was made of metal.
"The Doctor must be destroyed," droned this River.
"Now, there are several reasons that you really shouldn't," said the Doctor before breaking off as his air supply was cut.
"The Doctor must be destroyed," repeated River.
"Leave 'im alone!" demanded River/Rose, hands on her hips.
"The Doctor must forget Rose Tyler and be destroyed," said River/Random Android Assassin Who Apparently Wanted the Doctor to Forget about Rose.
"Why would he need to do that?" asked Rory.
"HI-YA!" yelled Amy, bringing her cricket bat down on River/Random Android Assassin Who Apparently Wanted the Doctor to Forget about Rose's head.
"Thank you," rasped the Doctor, who was promptly surrounded by every River (except River/Master, who was examining the TARDIS lock.)
"Are you alright?" demanded River/Donna, helping him up.
"Can you speak?" asked Dr. River/Martha, looking him over.
"Did you miss me?" demanded the River that was apparently his sister, only to be hit by the cricket bat as well.
"What's going on?" asked a new River, who was wearing a blue coat.
"Who are you?" chorused everyone.
"Captain Jack Harkness, and who are—"
"What? Jack? How?"
"Who are you?" demanded River/Jack.
"He's the Doctor," said River/Jenny, smiling at River/Jack.
"Oh, hey Doctor. You should really tell people when you go around regenerating," said River/Jack, grinning.
"What happened to you?"
"I needed a change, so I changed genders," said River/Jack absently, eying up Amy and Rory.
"Don't," said the Doctor, seeing where he was looking. "Just… don't."
A/N: So here we have it! My first actual one-shot. I do hope you enjoyed, but whether or not you did, please be kind (or mean, if you hated it) and leave me a review. I am open to constructive critisism.
Thanks a ton!
Hinn-Raven