"I don't need help from filthy little mudbloods like her!"

His stomach was lurching. His skin felt rather cold, and yet his face was hot as though stricken with a fever. Humiliation was throbbing in his temple, and yet there was something icy cold running through his veins. Resentment. He paced wearily outside of Gryffindor Tower, his eager black eyes darting to the portrait of the Fat Lady every time he passed. His heart was drumming loudly in his chest, and yet his stomach was rather sick. It was no longer the pleasant tickling of butterfly wings when he thought of seeing her beautiful smile. Now it was the swiveling coil of regret gripping at his insides. The pale young man stopped when he thought he had heard-... no, it was only the tired yawn of the Fat Lady at this unforgivable hour. The usual sour frown creased his lips as he looked away, his nervous pace a bit twitchy. As much as he prayed to see Lily, to confess desperate apologies to her for ever uttering such a name, there was thick unease about him.

Severus Snape released a long withheld breath of air, parting his lips as he stopped his weary walk. Instead he fixed his eyes on the portrait, reminding himself of the event. O.W.L.S had been a breeze, he had his usual dedication to his studies. Confidence radiated from him while perched in a book or with quill in hand. His lips twisted into a pleased smirk when Lily would praise him, and he would often feel a bit of pride when she succeeded as well. Even with a quiet, often bitter demeanor at times, even in face of her, she never seemed to really know the feelings she incited inside of him. But now it would end, wouldn't it? He looked forward to this summer, somewhat. It meant he would be returning to his wretched home life, but it also meant he would be able to spend time with his red headed Lily, almost exclusively. Those pleasant expectations were ripped from him when in the heat of fury and humiliation, he lashed out at her. What had he done? For once, he really did feel slimy in his own skin. Severus released a quiet groan of displeased desperation. All of those memories he had created with her, his life; it had revolved around her.

It had all begun at the mere age of nine years old. A boy, living in Spinner's End, gazing longingly at the girl he had come to admire, to want. She lived in what seemed like sunlight, and he seemed to thrive in shadow. It was an awful torture, but a child wants, what a child wants. At the opportunity given he seized it, perhaps too hastily at first. That pretty little girl, upturned her nose with long fiery hair swaying and stalked away to find refuge by her older muggle sister. But he was persistent, and somehow, they had managed to become fast friends.

Afternoons of intrigue filled their summer. Sprawled in the grass, his dark eyes hovering over her pretty face, those shimmering green eyes. She would smile so much, and was so curious about the magic he saw in her. Veiled in a green tint from the overhang of the trees on bright afternoons. Even he, managed to strike a smile and somehow seem magnificent in spite of his hand me down careless clothes. Severus cherished these memories. Each one a perfectly painted portrait in his mind, though wishing to be something more. Wading in a small brook not far from their neighborhood, enjoying fireworks on the fourth of July. While he was not always so fond of such things, Lily managed to make them seem brighter, and bathed in their glow, she was the only view that really made him smile. Watching her from afar, these years of being friends, no, best friends were becoming steadily down trodden, weren't they? Lily was increasingly upset with him over his choice in company. In his choices towards the future. Severus scowled as his sweet memories were suddenly spiraling, topped off with his mistake made today. Why did those moments seem so far away now?

June, this month usually had him in a stranglehold of emotions. He did not particularly like the heat, and he dreaded leaving Hogwarts for the miserable life he had in Spinner's End. But every chance with her, just so long as he could be near her, made him happy. The tall Slytherin boy seemed mesmerized as he stood in front of the Fat Lady, who was now snoring softly, sinking deeper into his thoughts. His sweet Lily, these past six years of loving her... More memories flooded back to him. Secretly helping her in potions while he scribbled down his own notes wearily, enjoying an occasional stroll in Hogsmeade. Hell, as a child he was invited to sneak into her room once or twice, if only to show off some magic in the dark to an excited Lily.

Slowly, his black eyes traveled up. He couldn't let those days end. Severus' thoughts were becoming more frantic as Lily refused to speak to him. His fists clenched, though it felt just a bit foreign to his long slender fingers. His heart began to pound again, no longer comforted by the memories he was surrounding himself in. This was now, and Lily wasn't coming. But he wouldn't leave. He'd even told that Mary girl that he would stay out here all night if need be. How long ago was that? An hour? Two hours? His lips were twisted in a frown, one that was more worried and sad than his usual bitter outlook let on. His brows knit together. He felt what little shred of hope he had been clinging to fading. Letting his shoulders fall from their usual tight position, Severus hung his head, a curtain of inky black hair veiling his pale face.

There was a soft creak. Severus jerked his head upwards, staring with wide hopeful eyes. The portrait swung open, and what stepped out was beautiful Lily. His heart leaped up. She was here! Severus' black eyes drank her in, as if this would be the last time he could see her up close. Fair skin, lips that were rosy, long fiery waves of hair, and... those green shimmering eyes he held so dear. But he could read her easily, those lovely emeralds were much glassier than usual, a peculiar shine he could not mistake. Her cheeks were flush, and she had not bothered to change out of her bed clothes. Her slender arms were folded over her bosom. Lily, she'd been crying. His heart sank a little further and his stomach twisted in knots. The first words out of his mouth were "I'm so sorry."

Lily seemed as though she was holding a deep breath. Severus stared at her intensely, wishing so much to make what had happened vanish. The girl before him, one he could tell he had grown taller than now, as they stood so close, wasn't even thinking of redeeming him. He could see it in her eyes. But he was frantic, he was angry at himself. As if hoping she didn't hear him, he spoke again, and this time, a little more loudly than his usual soft whisper.

"I'm sorry." his black eyes searched her, imploring for an answer.

"I'm not interested." she told him, voice trembling. That was not the answer he was hoping for.

"I'm sorry!" he couldn't help the desperation pushing the volume up just a tad.

"Save your breath." she retorted just as coolly.

Severus felt his fingers curl. These words were so useless to her. To him, as well. But his mind was searching for anything he could grasp onto, normally rather well versed, in the glassy green eyed stare of his scorned beloved, he couldn't help but splutter in silence.

"I'm only out here because Mary told me you were threatening to sleep out here..." she added, as if defending her reasons for being out here. Her eyes even retched away from his.

"I was. I would have done so." he answered quickly, trying to reassure her of his loyalty, of his secret need for her. Lily was silent, her breath while quiet, was a little shallow, he could easily see the rise and fall of her shoulders. Her eyes refused to meet him, determined to stare at the stone cold ground. Determined to keep from looking at him at all.

"I never meant to call you Mudblood, it just-"

"Slipped out?" Lily finished his sentence without a hint of pity. Severus felt his chest grow tight, his skin felt cold. His lips parted, desperate to find the right words, but nothing came out.

"It's too late. I've made excuses for you for years... None of my friends can understand why I even talk to you." Her eyes were on him now, glimmering with remnant tears. But her lips were set into a frown. She was furious with him.

"You... and your precious little Death Eater friends..." she went on. Her voice choked a little, her tone cautious. But Severus said nothing, he couldn't lie to her. Severus swallowed hard, his throat was too dry, and his fingers were trembling. Lily released a frustrated sigh, one that stung him.

"You see? You don't even deny it! You don't even deny that's what you're all aiming to be! You can't wait to join You-Know-Who, can you?" Lily finally unraveled her arms, and Severus could see the slight jerk in her motion. His skin, if possible, turned even paler. This was ending... Lily was turning away from him, those precious green eyes were giving up on him. "Lily..." his voice was less than a whisper, he felt as though he could not summon it in the time he needed most.

"Please..." he added, trying to stop her.

"I can't pretend anymore... You've chosen your way, I've chosen mine."

"No- listen, I didn't mean-"

"To call me Mudblood? But you call everyone of my birth Mudblood, Severus. Why should I be any different?" She paused by the portrait, one hand gripping the frame. She was prepared to leave, and this last glance back was all he had. Severus struggled on the verge of speech, his heart was pounding frantically in his chest, his stomach was tight. Too many thoughts were making his head spin. Why was she different? That was obvious, wasn't it? And yet he'd never had the courage to sum it up in words. Not to her. Fear of rejection, of loss of all he had ever had pressured him into silence. Longing silence. Her piercing green glare was rendering him speechless, frozen on the spot with so much to say. But she was slipping right through his fingers. A heavy sigh crashed through her lips and her eyes drifted away, climbing back up into the portrait hole...

Something suddenly overcame him. A realization wracked his senses as he desperately reached out, all else leaving him. Tact to the wind, heart rounding its hundredth lap by the second, Severus caught her wrist without any intent of setting her free. "No, Lily, please-" he was begging now, something he would never hope to do again.

"Sev!" she cried out, tugging back, trying to escape him. Surprisingly, his gentle hold was enough to keep her, at least for now. He quickly reached up, pressing a palm to her other shoulder, hoping to convey what he meant. He didn't know what he was doing really. This was madness, this was desperate and fueled by panic. He could only imagine in his worst nightmares the fate that awaited him should he lose Lily. On pure instinct he knew this was his only chance. His last chance, lest he give her up. The girl of Gryffindor shot him a contemptuous look, her lips pursed into a pout.

"You are different." his voice was hoarse. Lily's eyes were glittering with what may have been tears now. Severus swallowed, trying to force the lump in his throat away, trying to ease the tears he could feel glassing over his own dark eyes. "Lily, I..." his words were next to breathless. His face was hotter than before, he could feel the back of his neck burning. He leaned over her just a slight, as if trying to encase Lily in his shadowy pale form. His long black hair curtained his face, leaving only her to view him. His black eyes, while eager and worried, were soft and intense. The utmost gentle whisper escaped him, so close he knew she had to have heard it.

"I love you."

Severus searched her emerald green eyes in that instant. Fear was gripping him, his shoulders slightly risen as if in defense fingers only gently clamping onto both of her shoulders now. The rush of her porcelain skin under his own hands was still in the thickening, though he was so preoccupied with her reaction he could do little but look into her with his wondering pleading gaze. For a moment, her brows were lifted in surprise, and even now, the intensity of his stare paired with those words made her blush. She was stiff in his hold. But what happened was not quite the reaction he was expecting. Lily's lips suddenly pulled into a quivering frown, and she jerked back, her palms shoving into his chest and forcing him away. Severus stumbled, taken aback by the sudden outburst. "How can you say that?" she shouted at him. Tears were bubbling over and streaming down her cheeks. Severus quieted the gasp as he stared at her, brows knitted together and confused. Lily shook her head, quickly enough to make her crimson tresses spill a little more.

"How can you say that, Severus?" she cried, not bothering to dry the tears dampening her cheeks. "How can you say that when you hang out with Death Eaters? And call them your friends? They hate people like me! They want to kill people like me! And you want to be just like them!" Lily tried to refrain the soft sob, but failed. Severus stood frozen, his stomach coiled in unpleasantness while his fists balled tightly.

Why... why did things like this seem to dawn on him now? Why did it come to this, having to rip himself apart from her, and be forced to see his future for what it really was? These things he passed off as pranks, the dark magic he mentioned and studied fervently with a loving caress, though it paled in comparison to the feelings he held for this one girl; it was all slowly plucking at the threads keeping them together. And when he finally took a courageous leap, and admitted his unending feelings to her, he plummeted. Like serpents winding their way around his heart and squeezing until it stopped, Severus was disconnected from the one that had ever made him feel anything more than hate, fear, or anger. For all that he was, Lily was his happiness. If he lost her... would these things still hold their magnificent glamor? Could he turn away from the cruel intentions his likely friends held dear? For his only dear... dear, Lily. The empty corridors seemed to be listening with bated breath, the silence was too much to bare against her accusations ringing in his head.

"You have to believe me. I've loved you since..." he took a breath, his eyes searching the dimly lit corridor around them. She needed to know he loved her. They'd been so close for all of these years, his eyes had never strayed from her, in almost any sense. But he was blushing, Severus stammered quietly, this embarrassment and dwindling hope rendering him incoherent. Lily stared at him, her demeanor somehow calmer, though the frown on her lips unwavering. Exasperation left her, and for some reason, there was a hint of hopefulness touching at her eyes. However, the red haired girl shook her head, making his heart flinch and his attention peak. Lily stared up at him, her green eyed gaze strong and probing as she found his black eyes.

"Prove it."