The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is out cold. Just another bit of madness running through my tiny mind. I just wanted to write something about Mallory being Mallory. On Mother's Day.
One Coma Mother To Another
Mallory was sitting by Archer's side in his hospital room reading a newspaper. "I admit this Sterling," Mallory sighed. "While your coma has taken up so much of my time, it has allowed me to catch up on my reading. I can't remember the last time I read a full book or a newspaper."
"Of course, you only read the comics in a newspaper. And I don't even want to know what books you've read. I suspect they have a lot of nudie pictures in them."
Mallory read a news article. "Listen to this. The population of Los Angeles has declined ten percent over the past five years. Studies show that it will decline another fifteen in less than three. Well if that's true why the hell is there so much traffic?"
Mallory looked at the paper some more. "I swear the more I read the paper the more I am convinced the world is going to Hell in a flame retardant handbasket. Listen to this one. Some idiot fell off another cliff while trying to take a selfie. Apparently, they never heard of this new invention called a zoom lens."
"Oh, here's another idiot that drove into another building," Mallory read. "I swear this happens every day now. I never heard of so many people driving so many cars into so many buildings. You could be sitting at home in your living room, minding your own business when BAM! Another moron drunk ass driver plows into your house and runs over your sofa."
"I'm just saying I don't remember this many careless idiots driving into buildings back in my day. I don't even remember this many careless idiots when you were growing up. Even you made it at least a couple months without driving a car into something when you were learning to drive!"
"Like the time you plowed my Cadillac into that pool. All right. To be fair, you were only 12 at the time and couldn't see that well over the dashboard. And we were trying to dodge those Cuban assassins. But still…My new fur got all wet. And covered with blood!"
"Here's another one," Mallory read. "Contractor sued after misspelling 'school' on public road. My god. I can imagine what his grades were like. Is this country getting dumber by the hour? Stupid question."
"Then again I can't really be smug about it. Considering your grades. Seriously, how the hell did you get a 123 on your SATs? Even Pam got a higher score! And she grew up in Wisconsin! To them higher education is a school with more than two floors!"
"Maybe those quacks on TV have a point about paying for higher education doesn't insure a quality education?" Mallory admitted. "It didn't in your case."
"That reminds me. Your daughter has another day off from school today. I forget the reason this time. I think that's the problem why people are so dumb today. They don't spend enough time in school!"
"Then again, if fifteen years of boarding school couldn't make you a good student…"
"Let's see what else is in the paper?" Mallory sighed as she looked at it again. "Another store I've never heard of is closing. Mostly in the Midwest so who cares? Thousands die from some storm in some country I can't pronounce its name. Who cares about that? Democrats are complaining about Republicans. Republicans are complaining about Democrats, blah, blah, blah…Another car drove into a police station! See? It just keeps getting worse!"
"Although I must admit it probably was an easy arrest."
"Oh, speaking of arrest," Mallory read. "New York heiress pleads guilty to crimes involving theft, embezzlement, tax fraud and involvement in a sex cult. Son of a bitch! I know that woman! She's the one who convinced me to buy into that time share scheme! Judge gives out twenty years for…Damn it! Well there's twenty grand I'll never see again!"
"Although I admit she did have a fabulous apartment. I wonder if it's for sale?"
Mallory looked again at the paper. "Twenty people die from tornadoes in Kansas. And yet nothing happens to Trudy Beekman. The human tornado. Spewing garbage from her mouth at 200 miles per hour."
Mallory read some more. "Another high-powered former government agent died…Oh no! Not him! Damn it! There's another contact I can't use anymore. Not that I could use him before. What with the stroke and everything. And that bitch of a second wife of his."
"I admit," Mallory sighed. "I'm starting to see the point about people who only read the comics section in newspapers. It's the only part of the paper that doesn't make you want to blow your brains out."
Mallory sighed. "I know. I'm rambling. It's just so hard sitting here. God, I can't count how many times I used to wish for you to shut up while I was talking. To not interrupt me with one of your stupid ramblings or blurting out 'Danger Zone'! But now…It's just too quiet. Careful what you wish for I guess."
Just then there was a commotion. "What the hell?" Mallory did a double take.
The door burst open. "Move! Move! Move!" A female nurse called out as several nurses rushed in a man on a gurney. He was attached to several different machines.
"What the hell?" Mallory shouted.
"Okay people we only have half a second before the system fails," The Head Nurse, a tall black woman shouted. "We have to transfer power quickly!"
"Excuse me!" Mallory snapped over the nurse's directions. "This is a private room!"
"Anything less than a few seconds will cause the patient to flatline!" The Head Nurse said. "Three two one…"
"Hang on!" Mallory shouted. "What the hell are you doing in my son's room?"
"CC Stats are stable," Another nurse said. "All vitals are functional."
"HANG ON!" Mallory shouted.
"Ma'am please!" The Head Nurse said. "We have a seriously ill patient here."
"Yes! Right here!" Mallory pointed. "This room is already occupied!"
"And it's going to have another occupant," The Head Nurse told her. "Okay everything looks good…"
"Excuse me!" Mallory snapped. "This is a private room! I'm not paying all this money so my son can shack up with someone! I did enough of that when he went to college!"
"I'm sorry but we need the room," The Head Nurse said.
"What do you mean you need the room?" Mallory snapped. "What happened to all the other rooms on this floor? I know for a fact that just yesterday somebody died in one of those rooms! I could hear the family wailing like a group of strangled cats down the hall! What about one of those rooms?"
"Apparently the patient who died did so of a very contagious disease," The Head Nurse explained. "We're having that room and the other rooms surrounding it scrubbed until the tests come back negative. And since the hospital is at capacity, we're bunking people up."
"Well how long is that going to take?" Mallory asked.
"A week," The Head Nurse said.
"A week?" Mallory shouted. "Do I at least get a discount on my bill?"
"No," The Head Nurse said. "Okay things look stable here we can leave him."
"No, you can't!" Mallory snapped. "This room is for my son! And my son only!"
The Head Nurse looked at Archer. "Well he doesn't seem to be complaining." She and the others left the room.
"You are so not getting a tip!" Mallory shouted after her.
She looked at Sterling. "Can you believe this? If I wanted socialist medicine, I would have taken you to Canada! I have half a mind to take you to Canada!"
An older woman with white hair and a prim blue dress with a tan coat walked in. "Oh Filbert…" She sniffed.
Filbert? Mallory mouthed as she looked at her son.
"Oh Filbert," The older woman walked up to her son's bedside. "Filbert. Filbert."
"And I'm Mallory Archer," Mallory spoke up. "And this is my son Sterling. I know he can't speak but I can…"
"Oh, I am so sorry," The older woman saw Mallory. "I'm Enid Higgenbloomer. This is my son Filbert Higgenbloomer."
"Charmed I'm sure," Mallory said.
"Sorry about this," Enid said. "Damn those sick people. Who goes to Africa in the middle of mosquito season?"
"Oh my god!" Mallory gasped as she got a good look at the man for the first time. "What happened to your son? Traffic accident? That explains why he looks so horrible! He was maimed wasn't he?"
"No," Enid said. "He had a stroke during a heart operation."
"You mean that's his real face?" Mallory pointed.
"He's been in a coma for five years!" Enid snapped. "And he's fifty-seven! Of course, he's not going to look that great!"
"Five years?" Mallory gasped. "Five years?"
She looked at Archer. "You'd better not do that to me! Oh no! No way mister!"
"What happened to yours?" Enid asked.
"Shot several times and drowned in the pool of some actress skank," Mallory waved.
"By the actress skank."
"He looks really good," Enid said.
"Well technically he's also detoxing," Mallory admitted. "At least he's lost a few pounds. He was starting to get a little soft."
"I see he's not hooked up to a breathing tube," Enid said. "That's really good."
"Yes, only a feeding tube," Mallory sighed. "The doctor says there's brain activity. A lot of it apparently. He just won't wake up."
"I wish Filbert had that problem," Enid sighed. "He can't be off that machine for more than a second and a half. Otherwise…Poof. You have no idea how many close calls I have had over the years because some idiot doctor didn't put the plug in right."
"So, your son is completely brain dead?" Mallory asked. "Funny, that's what people say about my son. Especially the whores he's dated. Which is ironic considering their collective IQ is slightly lower than a sponge."
"Ugh tell me about it," Enid sighed. "My son has been married three times and had one girlfriend who had a child out of wedlock. The mistress and the second wife are kind of pills but the kids are all right. It is a comfort to have six grandchildren."
Mallory did a double take. "He had six children with four different women? What were they all blind?"
"No, but two of them are tramps," Enid admitted. "And the third wife is just really dumb."
"Yeah I can see that happening," Mallory admitted.
"Does your son have any children?" Enid asked.
"Two," Mallory frowned. "That I know of. The way my son catted around it's possible there's a whole litter of bastards somewhere. Probably in the South Pacific."
"Mine preferred his in Nevada," Enid shrugged. "Apparently he got a discount at the Kitty Kat Cathouse."
"Was he on the Platinum Member service?" Mallory asked.
"Yes," Enid said.
"Sterling was on that," Mallory admitted. "Until they revoked his card after the incident with his valet, the goats, the whipped cream and the fire."
"I know my boy wasn't perfect," Enid sniffed. "But he's still my baby. I know I should let him go but I can't. I just can't. I can't. I can't. I can't."
"So, you can't?" Mallory sighed.
"Well could you?" Enid pointed to Archer. "If your son was actually brain dead?"
"Ehhh…" Mallory admitted. "Look I'm not saying I wouldn't miss him but…This hospital room is pretty expensive. And he's been milking it enough as it is."
"He was such a good boy…" Enid sniffed. "Such a darling little boy…"
"Oh God," Mallory rolled her eyes and muttered under her breath. "She's one of those."
"Oh yes he was a bit hyper as a child," Enid said. "Always breaking windows with baseballs for when he had practice. But what child didn't break a few windows?"
"My son once burned down his aunt's garage," Mallory remarked. "It had windows. Does that count?"
"It's just been such a hard five years," Enid sighed. "Sitting by my son's side day and night."
"I know," Mallory sighed.
"Just five years of waiting for him to wake up," Enid sighed. "Or give some sign of life."
"I know," Mallory admitted.
"Five years of not going anywhere but to the hospital," Enid went on. "Missing out on friend's parties and birthdays and special occasions…Not even going to the theater. Or out for a drink at a bar."
"Well let's not go that far," Mallory remarked. "What did your son do for a living?"
"He used to be a broker at Nieman Brothers," Enid said.
"That company that pretty much started the biggest financial meltdown in history?" Mallory gasped. "Maybe it's just as well he's in a coma?"
"That's how he got in the coma," Enid said. "He had a heart attack the day of his arraignment. Just as the judge was reading the indictments. All one hundred and fifty-nine of them."
"Yikes," Mallory shuddered.
"It was also the day his third wife filed for divorce," Enid admitted. "I'm not saying that day didn't have it's moments but…"
"You know, why don't you take a walk?" Mallory suggested. "I'll watch them both."
"Are you sure?" Enid asked. "I know it might be difficult watching two people…"
"Well it's not that difficult," Mallory said. "They're both just lying there. It's not like they're running around…"
"I could use a trip to the little girl's room," Enid said. "And to freshen up."
"Down the hall to the right," Mallory pointed. "I'll watch them."
"Thank you," Enid said. "I must say, out of all the other coma parents you're the nicest one." She left the room.
Mallory waited a few beats to make sure she was gone and closed the door. "That woman obviously doesn't get out much."
That was when Mallory walked over to the life support system and unplugged it. "It you want something done right around here…" She grumbled as she went back to her seat. "No way in hell I'm putting up with that for a week!"
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPP!
Mallory sat and listened as she looked at her phone. "Trained staff my ass…" Mallory grumbled. "There's nobody even at the desk…"
A few more moments went by as the patient flatlined. Mallory cautiously looked out the door. "Nobody coming…Okay that should do it…"
She quickly put the plug back in but by now it was too late. "I could have pulled several plugs by now…" Mallory grumbled as she went back to her seat.
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!
"Oh my God…" Mallory looked at her watch. "How long is this going to take?"
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!
Mallory went to the door. "Excuse me! Excuse me! There's a noise in here! Could someone please come in here and take care of it?"
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!
"Seriously, it's very annoying!" Mallory shouted.
"Ma'am," The Head Nurse came in. "We are very busy and…OH SWEET JESUS! CODE RED! CODE RED!" She screamed as she ran to Filbert's bedside.
"It's about time," Mallory snapped as some more nurses and a doctor ran in to work on Filbert. "I know you're all getting ready for your next golf game but seriously…"
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!
"He's gone," The doctor sighed.
"Then turn the damn machine off!" Mallory snapped. "I don't want to get tinnitus!"
"What's going on?" Enid walked in. "Filbert?"
"I'm sorry Ma'am," The Head Nurse apologized. "He's gone."
"No, he's right there," Enid pointed.
"No, I mean…" The Head Nurse paused.
"He died," Mallory said simply.
"WHAT?" Enid shouted. "I was only gone for a few minutes!"
"That's how long it took," Mallory said.
"OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH!" Enid cried out in agony. "FILBERT!"
"Oh, for God's sake!" Mallory snapped. "Your son has been in a coma longer than mine! What I said couldn't have been that much of a shock!"
"How did this happen?" Enid shouted.
"We're not sure," The doctor admitted. "But these things do happen…"
"Of course, they happen," Mallory said. "When nobody's at the main desk monitoring things."
"We're understaffed okay?" The Head Nurse snapped.
"Obviously," Mallory said.
"OHHHHHH!" Enid cried out. "I mean I knew this could happen but…OHHH!"
"Typical isn't it?" Mallory said. "You wait for five years and the minute you take one second for yourself, that's the time your son chooses to go! How selfish!"
"I can't believe it…" Enid whimpered. "How could I have been so selfish?"
"No, I meant him," Mallory pointed. "He was being selfish. Not you."
"What?" Enid asked.
"He just couldn't have done it before you left could he?" Mallory asked. "Or hung on a few minutes until you came back? I mean, he took up five years of your time…"
"And he couldn't wait a few measly minutes?" Enid snapped. She turned to her son's body. "You always were a selfish little bastard, weren't you? Always had to be the center of attention!"
"Testify sister!" Mallory nodded.
"And don't think I didn't know that you were breaking my windows on purpose!" Enid shouted. "I know your bastard father encouraged it! I can't believe I even gave up an Alaskan cruise for you!"
"Trust me Enid," Mallory waved. "You didn't miss anything."
Mallory looked at the staff. "What are you, hourly? Get that body out of here!"
"Right away," The doctor coughed. The staff took the body on the gurney out.
"That's one way to get the room back," Mallory muttered under her breath.
"Oohh!" Enid sobbed. "What am I going to do without my son? How will I go on?"
"Think of it as life after death," Mallory said. "Now that he's dead you can finally have a life."
"But what am I going to do?" Enid wailed.
"How about coming with me to get a drink at a bar?" Mallory said.
"Okay," Enid said calming down. "Do you know a place that makes a good Tom Collins? One that doesn't have too much ice so the alcohol doesn't get watered down?"
"Enid," Mallory said putting her arm around her. "Something tells me this is the start of a beautiful friendship. I know just the place."
"Good," Enid sniffed. "Oh, I have to call my son's ex-wives and his whores. Admittedly those categories overlap. And his children."
"They've waited five years," Mallory said. "They can wait at least a couple more hours."
"That's right," Enid realized. "I'm the only one that's been visiting. Those selfish vultures can wait. I need time to figure out where I'm going to hold the repast anyway."
"You've had five years to think about this and you haven't a clue?" Mallory asked.
"Well what would you suggest?" Enid asked.
"Well the Grand Tuntmore is a lovely place," Mallory said. "But I've heard that Le Formosa De Terre is fabulous for funeral repasts. Let me show you."
Mallory took out her phone and showed Enid. "See there's the function room…"
"Oh that's lovely," Enid said. "How's the menu?"
"Well…" Mallory showed her. "The prime rib looks excellent. And I hear the sea bass is to die for."
"Oh, I love sea bass," Enid said. "It looks expensive though."
"Just do what I do," Mallory waved. "Say you're on the Tunt Corporation payroll and you get a thirty percent discount. Trust me. They never check."
"Really?" Enid asked.
"You'd be amazed how many places that works," Mallory said. "It did last week when I went to their bar. You know, they make a good Tom Collins too. You can set it up while we're there."
"It is still expensive," Enid frowned.
"Well it is your son," Mallory said. "Plus, why can't some of his girlfriends or baby mamas pay a little?"
"That's right," Enid said. "They've made me pay enough! It's time they paid up! And this buffet looks wonderful. Would you like to come to the funeral and repast? I know we just met…"
Mallory said. "What the hell? It will get me out for at least an afternoon. Us coma mothers should stick together. I'll even help you set it up. And what to say when nobody else in your family wants to pay their damn share."
"You are the nicest person," Enid said.
"Let me just say goodbye to Sterling and we'll go get that drink," Mallory told her. "They probably want you to pay some stupid bill out there anyway."
"Ugh don't remind me," Enid said as she left the room. "At least it will be the last time."
"Oh, don't look at me like that," Mallory snapped at Archer before she left. "Your social life may be dead but mine isn't! This is what you get for dragging it out!"