Title: So Why Don't You
Author: Daeleniel Shadowphyre
Feedback: darkone2813 at mindspring dot com
Fandom: Gundam Wing
Genre: Angst, Romance, Supernatural
Rating: PG
Pairing: (3x5x3)x4, 3x4x5
Summary: Would you do anything you ever dreamed to be complete?
Warnings: Dreams and head-trips.
Disclaimer:Gundam Wing and related characters and themes belong to Yoshiyuki Tomino and Hajime Yatate, Bandai and Sunrise, and the Sotsu Agency. This is a non-profit work of fiction.
Notes: Written for the SDQB 444 Challenge Prompt #13: Slide. When I first saw the prompt, the only things that went through my head were lyrics from the song "Slide" by the Goo Goo Dolls, and the meditation/spirit-guide scenes in Fight Club. Not something you really expect to be able to work with. Thankfully, I've made it a hobby to defy expectation.
Dedication: To Inanna-- what you feel is what you are, and what you are is beautiful.
Distribution: Ask, and ye shall receive.
The last time Trowa had felt this blank and confused, he'd had no memory. He stood at the top of a grassy hill, just under a gnarled old tree that he'd never seen before, with no recollection of how he'd come to be there. The coat and scarf he wore were too big and nearly swallowed him, but they were familiar the way a song you heard as a child might be familiar.
Where was he? There was something tugging at the back of his mind, something important that he had been doing. Someone he had been with who was in pain... and someone else who had pulled him out of that same pain. Why couldn't he remember?
You shall remember.
He turned, looking up into the tree. The great cat lounged decadently along one thick branch, teal eyes gazing at him with gentle wisdom.
'Where am I?' he asked.
A turning point, the cat said, his tail flicking back and forth in the air.
Trowa nodded as if he understood, but the answer only left him more confused. He turned again and looked down the hill at the distant lights. 'What's down there?'
Pain, the cat replied. Death. But there is also life. And there is change.
'What am I supposed to do?' he asked, knowing he must sound very lost.
Choose.
Trowa whirled to stare up at the cat, shocked and uncertain. Choose? Choose what? He didn't understand why he was here or what he was supposed to be choosing. What were his choices, if choices he had to make? The cat ignored him, studiously cleaning his left paw with long flicks of his tongue, the black fur glistening wetly in the fading light.
'You said... down there is death and pain,' Trowa said.
Yes.
'But there is still life, too?' he pressed.
Of course.
'So... if there is no one without the other, if both can exist together,' he said slowly, 'why should I have to choose?'
But can you bear to confront both at once? If not, then turn away from both and do not look back.
'What will happen to them?' he asked, even though he did not know whom he spoke of. The cat regarded him thoughtfully, those unusual teal eyes solemn.
They shall fall.
Trowa remained silent, turning his gaze back towards the distant lights at the bottom of the hill. Far below, he could make out two figures standing. He could barely see their outlines in the hazy twilight, but he just knew that one would have golden blond hair and the other would stand straight and stiff and proud. He wondered why they were just standing there. Were they waiting?
Yes.
'For me?'
Yes.
'...Then I shouldn't keep them waiting, right?' Trowa asked, a smile tugging at his lips.
Then choose.
Trowa shook his head, eyes fixed on the distant figures. 'There is no choice.'
Something hit him in the back, hard, pushing him off-balance. Claws ripped through his coat and bit into his skin as he fell forwards, unable to do anything but stumble, fall, and then slide down the hill faster and faster and faster...
Wufei knew he was dreaming. He was standing on the porch of his childhood home on L5, wearing the traditional black garb he had put aside first when he became a Gundam Pilot and then again when he left his mourning behind and embraced life. The air was thick with the scent of flowers from a half-forgotten field where he had held his wife once and only once.
He had been so angry then. Was he still angry? He wasn't sure. Anger had been a part of him for a very long time, so long that sometimes it was hard to remember that he had set it aside. Why had he, again? He knew his reasons for turning away from anger as a shield against pain had been good ones, but he could no longer remember what they were.
You shall remember.
Wufei glanced back and down at the dog sitting patiently in the doorway of the house, staring up at him with warm green eyes.
'What is this place?' he asked, half wondering that he would question a dog, but knowing that he must ask.
A turning point, the dog answered promptly, grinning up at him with tongue lolling out the way only a dog can grin.
Wufei nodded, thinking that perhaps he could understand. This was the place where he had made one of the biggest, and perhaps the greatest decisions of his life-- the decision to take his wife's place and pilot a Gundam to Earth. He must be facing another decision he would have to make. 'What awaits me if I should leave here?'
Pain, the dog said, ears lowered. Death. But there is also life. And there is change.
Wufei turned and knelt on the porch before the dog. 'What would you have me do?' he asked.
Choose.
Wufei was silent, thinking. To choose implied that there were options, but on the surface the only options he could see were to leave or to stay. There must be something else, some hidden question he was missing. Life and death? But they were inseparable. Pain or ease? Perhaps, but there must be more to it than that. The dog was ignoring him, scratching behind one ear, his left forepaw raised to balance himself, blond fur shining golden in the low light.
'Change,' Wufei murmured softly, turning to look out at the field, 'brings pain.'
Yes.
'But it can also bring joy.'
Of course.
'Such is the balance of existence,' he mused. 'Pain and pleasure; despair and joy. Death and life.'
But can you bear to confront both at once? If not, then turn away from both and do not look back.
'If I should do that, how will the balances stand?' he demanded, looking over his shoulder at the dog.
They shall fall.
'I see,' Wufei whispered, turning again to look out at the field of flowers. Far off in the distance, barely specs against the horizon, he could see two figures standing, the taller one still and reserved, the fair one no less still yet somehow open in his stillness. Wufei wondered at his ability to perceive such details from such a distance. Perhaps it was merely his imagination, projecting what he thought he should see. But was that not the case already? Was not this scene a dream of his mind's devising?
Yes.
'And they are who I believe them to be?'
Yes.
'I held myself back from them, even when one walked by my side,' he whispered. 'I have done them both a disservice in this manner.'
Then choose.
Staring at the figures, a smile slowly tugging at his lips, Wufei gave the only answer he could. 'There is no choice.'
Pain blossomed across his skin, his clothes tearing beneath claws and fangs bearing flesh that tore as readily as cloth. A heavy weight slammed against his back, pitching him forward off of a porch that seemed much higher than his memory would have him believe, and he was falling and tumbling, and sliding through shards of memory and mists of dream faster and faster and faster...
Quite to the contrary of what many employees at Winner Enterprises, Incorporated, Quatre did actually need to sleep from time to time. He had developed the handy skill of sleeping whenever and wherever he felt reasonably safe to do so which, when coupled with the fact that he was an astoundingly light sleeper to begin with, had managed to confound his sisters and brought about a number of rumours currently floating around WEI and Preventers HQ that he wasn't quite human.
Of course, the rumours springing up in Preventers HQ seemed to have more to do with recent events, whereupon Quatre had walked unarmed into an enemy stronghold and had resurfaced unharmed and with the two captured Preventers in his arms. One fanciful version even depicted him as some sort of archangel whom had entered Hell to fight Satan in his lair out of love for his brothers. Quatre was quietly amused at the first part and wearily pained at the last; those gossipmongers truly had no idea.
He was flagging, he knew. Adrenaline had kept him moving from the moment he set foot in that compound, and now that he knew that Trowa and Wufei were safe he was crashing. Still, when it had been suggested oh so delicately that perhaps he should go home and get some rest, he had smiled and nodded and completely ignored the advice. Now he sat in a very uncomfortable plastic chair, waiting.
He wasn't fond of waiting.
Sometimes he found it amusing when one of the others would refer to him as "the patient one" in their little ragtag group. Patient? Not hardly! He'd learned to accept that sometimes things took time before they showed results, but he'd never liked it. It was most evident when he was ill. He got irritated with himself for falling ill in the first place, and was less than happy when he didn't get well faster than immediately. No, Quatre wasn't patient at all; he was just very quiet about it.
This would be so much easier if I hadn't seen and felt the damage that bastard did to them, Quatre thought with a sigh, then chastised himself for it. No, enough. Better it was you who went in for them than one of the other Preventers trained in negotiation.
And that was the heart of it, wasn't it? He'd been chosen to go in and retrieve them because he could remain calm under pressure and was used to talking his way through situations and coming out ahead. It probably also helped that, if it came to violence, he was no slouch at defending himself and others and taking down as many of the enemy as he could at the same time, but Lady Une had been hoping to avoid bloodshed if possible.
Quatre was honestly torn between wanting to stay here in case something happened to Wufei or Trowa... and wanting to storm back into that compound with guns blazing - or perhaps wielding Wufei's katana - and ripping that bastard "Seir Asmodeus" to shreds. So much for "Gabriel", Quatre thought with a sigh. It would probably be better if I didn't want to just run a flaming sword through his chest right about now.
Because even if I think it would make me feel better, it won't help Trowa or Wufei.
Quatre sighed and leaned back in the chair, tilting his head up to stare at the sterile white ceiling. His back was aching, but he ignored the pain just as he ignored the niggling seed of doubt in the back of his mind. He had to believe that they would be fine.
'You love them very much, Gabriel.'
I do, he thought, closing his eyes. So much sometimes it hurts.
So why don't you tell them?
Quatre frowned. I will not come between them. I could not bear to hurt them both like that.
And if it hurts them more for you to be apart?
Quatre blinked and sat up straight. Now where had that thought come from?
You have claimed them both as yours before an enemy. You have claimed them in your heart. So why don't you claim them before Me?
'And can you support them both?'
'I can,' he whispered. 'I do... and I will.'
'Major Winner?'
Quatre looked up to see one of the nurses standing at his elbow. 'Yes?'
'Majors Chang and Barton are awake now,' she said, smiling kindly. 'They're asking for you.'
'Thank you,' he said, standing. The ache in his back spiked, then lessened as he stretched and followed the nurse out of the waiting area.
- Owari -