Bernard was pleased to see his old Oxford buddy Lloyd Prichard visiting him in his office. The man was very gloomy and not quite 100% sober. Bernard was pleased to see him nonetheless. His life in DAA was otherwise very dull.
„I spent 90% of my salary on cars, booze and hookers. The rest I just squandered..." Lloyd said.
„I know, I know... but your job is pretty damn sweet, what's the problem." Bernard said suspiciously, having a sinking feeling, there is some nasty kicker coming.
„Well... I was fired yesterday!" Lloyd said and burst into tears.
„Crikey!" Bernard facepalmed with both hands. „But why?"
„I screwed up... lost my clients' money... big time."
„Gosh." Bernard sighed. „Don't tell me you broke 100 laws while doing this..."
„No, I have not committed fraud, I just screwed up. In private sector it is possible to get fired for this actually, pal!" Lloyd said. „Believe it or not!"
At this stage Lloyd was already crying hysterically. It was both wet and noisy. Bernard handed him a tissue.
He continued: „Then I... ugh... went to my brother in MI-5 and asked, wheter I could get a job there. But he's not high enough to hire me, besides he said right now they are only looking for field operatives. Hell, this is dangerous! And he might have also suggested I'm a bit too indiscreet for this job. What a jerk!"
„I see." Bernard said with a slight smirk. „Well, I cannot exactly let my old buddy starve to death... but the only vacancy I have right now is an assistant position. In principle you could start tomorrow, but..."
„Yeah?" Lloyd said, looking hopeful.
„But I am obliged to warn you about several things. First of all, working in DAA is extremely boring. Second, there are no opportunities for moving up in the ranks unless someone dies first. And third – the salary simply does not compete with selling shares in The City. Next month, of course, we start preparing for the next year's budget and I probably can get something extra, but otherwise not too much room for bargaining, I'm afraid. It's a take-it-or-leave-it offer."
„Whatever, I'll take it." Lloyd said, wiping his face.
„There are of course positive sides too..." Bernard said. „Such as, you won't starve. And you will not get fired for screwing up here. Although, I've heard rumours that one chap might get fired, but he's put considerable efforts into being a pain. But anyway, let's go for lunch. Our canteen is not exactly a top-notch restaurant, but at least it's subsidized."
„You mean like liquid lunch?" Lloyd said and giggled.
/
„What's my job about anyway?" Lloyd asked in the canteen.
„Paperwork mostly... and snooping around what other people are doing... you'll probably manage well. But you'll start with cleaning the archive. It's a huge mess." Bernard said.
„Fancy." Lloyd said. „Do I get to speak to the Minister too?"
„No, we are here to simply do the civil service gruntwork, and this is probably a good thing anyway... I spoke to the Minister last year once and I'm still having nightmares about it." Bernard said disdainfully. He was looking around to spot a free table.
„You see that chap over there? That's the one I told you about earlier, who might get fired. Malcolm Rhodes – a real schmuck. He went to the University of Sussex, you know..."
„Oh dear... he even looks that way." Lloyd said and started laughing. „And who's that hot bird over there?"
„This is Mrs. Harrisson. She's one of the higher-ups and totally out of your league." Bernard smirked.
He started walking towards a free table.
„You even have the luck to see our Permanent Secretary Sir Humphrey Appleby... having lunch with Sir Desmond Glazebrook." Bernard said.
„Oh fuck fuck fuck!" Lloyd yelped.
„Don't use such language!" Bernard growled.
„Can we sit behind the corner please?"
„But why?"
„I don't fancy running into that stupid Sir Desmond just yet..." Lloyd squeaked.
„Uhuh... do you wish to confess something?"
„Not really but... it might have happened so that the money I bet with belonged to a large degree to the clients of Bartlett's Bank..." Lloyd said sheepishly. „I was authorized to do this, but... I'm being held responsible for it anyway... it's not my fault really... but that stupid Sir Desmond was quite upset with me..."
"How much?"
"300 million pounds."
Bernard stared at his friend emptily, scratched his head and wondered, whether there is another disaster waiting to happen.
"Suddenly I'm having second thoughts... perhaps MI-5 field ops are not so dangerous after all." Lloyd sniveled.
"Well, suit yourself." Bernard shrugged.
"But what's that old fool doing in DAA anyway?" Lloyd asked, suddenly turning more optimistic.
"I don't know really. Begging for some favour, what else?" Bernard said.
"If we only knew what they were talking about, we could make a lot of money out of this!" Lloyd said mischievously.
/
„Your former colleague Sir Thomas became a director in Goldman Sachs, you know." Sir Desmond said.
„I know. Sir Thomas retired early and when he was asked why, he gave as an explanation that he simply did not like having as much responsibility as the position of a Permanent Secretary placed upon him. Actually he worked in the Ministry of Transport and if I were to be cynical, I would ask „Responsibility, what responsibility?". But if he is aiming even lower, then his career path makes perfect sense." Sir Humphrey said and laughed at his own joke.
Sir Desmond appeared not to get the joke and said: „From what I have heard, he had three reasons for his career move: money, money and more money. He seems like a decent chap to me."
He continued: „By the way, Humphrey, you've been doing the same job for what – nearly ten years now?"
That casual remark seemed to hit a nerve.
„Pfff... doing what I do requires enormous experience... very specific talents and skills... there simply isn't anybody else, who is capable of taking up such huge responsibility, alas! And... and... I certainly am the right man in the right place!" Sir Humphrey said.
Sir Desmond continued in his direct manner: „But if you cannot move up then would a directorship in Bartlett's be of interest to you? I don't mean now, but whenever you decide to retire."
„Shhhh! Desmond! Pray that noone heard what you just said!" Sir Humphrey said, looking very embarrassed.
„The motivational package is really good." Sir Desmond said.
„Timeo Danaos et dona ferentes!" Sir Humphrey said, taking a subtly mocking tone. „But this is not the real question, my dear Desmond. The shares of Bartlett's have been in a freefall for three days already, without any apparent reason. That arises grave concerns, what is wrong. So the real question is, what this is going to cost."
Sir Desmond looked like a kicked puppy.
„Well... we might be in need of some help indeed." Sir Desmond said, still looking very sad. „Things are going a bit sour in the Kuwaiti stock exchange, you've maybe heard..."
„Don't tell me you got involved in this fiasco." Sir Humphrey turned white.
„Not as such. But some of my clients' money was under the mandate of one brokerage firm and they got involved in this... real shame!" Sir Desmond whined.
„Do I understand you correctly that you gave your clients' money for some young boy plungers to speculate in the Kuwaiti stock exchange?" Sir Humphrey growled.
„They seemed like decent chaps and as if they knew what they were doing..." Sir Desmond said innocently. „Besides the Kuwaiti government has always stepped in and bailed everybody out, so we assumed there was no risk."
„And it never looked suspicious to you." Sir Humphrey said sarcastically.
„I don't know, I'm a banker." Sir Desmond mumbled. „We desperately need a government loan. My clients want their money back urgently."
„How much?"
„600 million pounds."
„Well, my dear Desmond, This is not in any way a DAA matter... " Sir Humphrey said as tactfully as he could. „I wish I could help you here but I really cannot, alas, you would need to turn to higher levels of authority. And quite frankly I believe he tells you to go to where the sun does not shine."
„I know. This is why I am here. If you speak to Arnold, he probably gives in..." Sir Desmond said innocently.
„This is highly unlikely."
„Did I tell you who these clients are? Ambassadors, foreign officials, this sort of people... they want their money back. In three days time."
„Didn't this occur to you before?"
„I don't know, I'm a banker."
Sir Humphrey clutched his fork, wondering whether he should throw this through his friend's forehead.
/
„Really, my dear Arnold. Why did those foreign officials pick Desmond of all people to manage their money? It never fails to astonish me exactly how stupid so many people are." Sir Humphrey said.
„How much?" Sir Arnold asked, looking very sour.
„900 million pounds."
„This is preposterous!" Sir Arnold yelped.
„I know, I know... but dare I suggest it would be prudent to put this small fire out right now before it develops into a full liquidity crisis. Or else, who knows what this might lead to? We might even end up needing to bail out everybody. Again."
„I believe that the Kuwaiti government should bail everybody out. After all, it has always been so in the past." Sir Arnold said firmly.
„Not that I question your judgement, my dear Arnold, but they'll simply tell you to get stuffed – they've got oil." Sir Humphrey said and laughed at his own joke.
Sir Arnold gave him a poisonous glare.
„S-sorry, Arnold! I only meant that it is rather urgent and a faster solution is required to avoid a loss of confidence."
„I see, but I cannot help but wonder, my dear Humpy – what is your special interest in this debacle?" Sir Arnold said sharply.
„N-nothing whatsoever, my dear Arnold!" Sir Humphrey protested.
„Humpy. Do not tell me that you too speculated in the Kuwaiti stock exchange?" Sir Arnold had a fit of giggles.
„Arrrrrnolllllld!"
„I shall see. I shall give it due consideration and weight all pros and cons. But they are surely not getting 900!"
/
„Insider trading. This is against the rules. And I do not break the rules. I'm under no circumstances going to smear my family reputation with doing something so immoral. Is that clear?" Bernard said grumpily.
„Yes, absolutely!" Lloyd said.
„Your call. What do you suggest then?" Bernard said.
„That we use the off-shore account of my great-grandmother. After all, this is what distant relatives are for." Lloyd said and giggled. „But, we cannot overlook a more serious problem: we do not possess any inside information."
/
Bernard was washing his hands in men's toilet.
„Another day, another disaster where tax-payers got royally screwed by Her Majesty's civil service." His sparky colleague fumed.
„Knock yourself out, Rhodes!" Bernard growled.
„The government is granting a massive subsidized loan to Bartlett's Bank to cover their embarrassing speculation losses in Kuwait. Do you have anything to justify it, Woolley? You normally come up with something very dimwitted and completely beside the point, why not this time as well." Malcolm Rhodes snarked.
„Oh Gosh, is this true?"
„You bet!"
„Can you prove it?"
„You cannot be serious, Woolley...! Even you cannot be so daft. Alan overheard Sir Humphrey speaking to the Cabinet Secretary over the phone and by tomorrow it will be public knowledge anyway!"
„How much?"
„500 million pounds."
„You know what Rhodes? Anything I might have ever said that could have insulted you – such as saying something, which might have included terms like „schmuck", „cretin", „imbecile" and „idiot" – I take it all back! That's right!" Bernard said with an empty glare and without waiting for a reply, ran towards his office, nearly pushing over a tea-lady's tray.
„Watch your step, fuckhead!" The Minister's voice loomed somewhere behind him, but it did not fully register in Bernard's head.
/
The Minister Tom Sargent fumed: „Oh for fuck's sake, Humphrey, I simply cannot believe what kind of chicanery you and your banker buddies have been doing behind my back! The voters... I mean the tax-payers will not have any of this shit!"
„With greatest possible respect, Minister..." Sir Humphrey started as patiently as he could.
„Whatever you want to say, you nasty jerk, I do not want to listen to your pompeus verbal diarrea. So I simply say: go fuck yourself!"
„Minister... pff... who do you think you are to speak to me like this?" Sir Humphrey shot up from his chair and threw a pack of papers into The Minister's face.
„But... I'm the Minister!" Tom Sargent yelled back. He was quite frankly a bit shocked by such sudden outburst of anger from the normally very stoic Permanent Secretary.
„Really Minister? The next general election is merely two years away. And you are going to wish it would be much sooner! But enjoy it while it lasts, because, you'll never get re-elected and the moment you step out of here we'll have big celebrations!" Sir Humphrey growled.
„I'll axe you and bury you, Humphrey, even if this is the last thing I'll do!" Tom Sargent said.
/
„Ahh, my dear Malcolm, here you are." Sir Humphrey said not without some humour. „I must say your performance in DAA has been most... remarkable... and I have decided to reward you with a special mission."
He handed a signed document to Malcolm Rhodes.
„An appointment to The Vehicle Licencing Centre in Swansea? This actually exists, Sir Humphrey? I always assumed it was an urban legend." Rhodes said.
„Wrong."
„Whatever! I resign! I hate this retarded place anyway!"
"Suit yourself, kid."
/
„Poor chap... in a sense it is a very bittersweet moment." Bernard said quietly. „Some people, apparently, just never learn, when and where and with whom to shut the hell up."
„What do we do now? Just sit on our butts, wait until this storm blows over and see what comes up next?" Lloyd asked.
„While in principle we should take the next plane to Barbados, then in practice, indeed, we'll just sit on our butts, wait until this storm blows over and see what comes up next. Welcome to the civil service, pal."
FIN.