ONE DAY IN THE MAGICAL LAND OF OZ….
An adult Dorothy (who now was a shoe model) travels through Oz, and has changed a lot. She had recently developed an extreme love for tea time, had great ambitions of becoming rich, had developed a strong liking for the VOCALOIDs and their dances, and had always wanted to see someone get hit by a car or other form of moving vehicle for some bizarre reason. She passed through the forest in which the Wicked Witch of the West used to reside and noticed the flying monkeys were being awfully hostile on this day.
"Strange," she said. "The monkeys are not usually trying to kill me with flaming coconuts." She nonchalantly ducked away from the coconuts that were aimed right for her head. She skipped to Emerald City where her friends were waiting for her.
"So, just out of curiosity," Dorothy said about 6 hours later, after her photo shoot. "Has anyone noticed that the flying monkeys have been acting quite hostile?"
"Indeed." The Tin Man said. "They've actually been wreaking havoc outside for the past 5 hours."
"Ah, I see." Dorothy said as the monkeys flew off with one of the munchkins. "What say that we take care of them after tea?"
Three hours later, after they had nearly 3 gallons of tea each…
"Ah, there's nothing like jelly-filled crumpets and tea by a warm fire…" Dorothy said as the building started to burn down. "Yes, there's nothing quite like it."
"Uh, Dorothy dear, might I bother you for a minute?" The Scarecrow said, rapidly beating his sleeve.
"Yes Scarecrow?" Dorothy said, sipping her peppermint tea.
"Well, if I could turn your attention away from your crumpets, I seem to be ROASTING!" The Scarecrow screamed, dropping on the ground and rolling to put himself out.
Dorothy got up and took out a bucket of water, splashing it on him, unfortunately, the water was actually gasoline.
"AAAAAAAAA!" The Scarecrow screamed as he was being burned alive.
"Strange, that usually works." Dorothy said, tossing the bucket aside.
"I can't believe I didn't see that coming!" The Scarecrow shouted. "I'M BURNING, I'M BURNING!" …What? I'm Cruel? Maybe, but not as cruel as Dorothy is just letting her friend sit there and get burned to a crisp. And either way, I'm just telling the story the way it had happened.
"If I'm going to die, I'm going to do something I've always wanted to do!" The Scarecrow said.
"Sorry, old friend, but I'm afraid it's a little late to get laid." Tin Man said.
"That's not it." The Scarecrow said. "I'm going to do the impossible!"
Wait…I don't remember this part. I'm sure this part wasn't in here. What the hell is that crazy bag of straw doing?
"I'm going to break….The Fourth Wall!"
LE' GASP! THAT FOOL! Doesn't he know that if he breaks The Fourth Wall that would mean the end of us all?!
In an attempt to save the world, the author flips through her monster manual (Points to anyone who can figure out that reference) to find a way to stop the deranged, burning Halloween decoration. Then, she finds something that she wouldn't normally make a reference to, but this was life and death, it had to be done. A wild Charizard appears and chomps off the Scarecrow's middle fingers before he has the chance to flip the author off. The dragon belched blue fire towards the Scarecrow and with a scream, He Who Shall Not Be Named burned into ashes. Finally, after much peril, the one who would destroy the universe was taken care of, all while Dorothy and the rest of the gang ate popcorn and roasted marshmallows over the evildoer's corpse.
Anyways, back to the story.
So after the Scarecrow burned to death, Dorothy finally decided to go after the monkeys to see what exactly the problem was. Along with her came the Cowardly Lion and the Tin Man, who were both in it to avenge their dead and extremely flammable and deranged friend.
They walked back down the yellow-brick road the opposite direction that they had traveled the first time they had joined together on yet another quest, down one man…err- bag of straw…err…eh, we'll just call him a bag of straw for now.
"Gee, I hope we don't run into any scary people!" The Cowardly Lion said, hugging his tail.
"I thought you had your medal of honor you big fraidy-cat!" The Tin Man said.
"I did, but I lost it in the fire back at Emerald City." The Cowardly Lion said, sobbing in-between words.
"Now, now friends." Dorothy said. "Let's not get too snippy at each other now. We've gotten through this before without the medals or any other gifts the Wizard gave to us. We can do it again."
"Yeah, but that was the Wicked Witch of the West!" The Cowardly Lion said. "Not her MONKEYS!"
"As silly as this whole situation that we've gotten ourselves in is, I agree with the Lion." The Tin Man said. "The monkeys did everything that the Witch told them to do and nothing else. Now that she's dead, they've created more advanced weapons. I mean, did you see those HUGE FLAMING COCONUTS?!"
"Indeed I did, but there is still no reason to fear." Dorothy said. "If we speak with them peacefully, they may like to tell us what the problem is."
"And if they don't?" The Cowardly Lion said, letting out a small "wuff".
"Then we'll use our FISTS OF FURY!" Dorothy said reassuringly.
"And if THAT doesn't work?" The Tin Man said
"Oh, well then they'll probably burn us alive and feed us to the crows that the Scarecrow is no longer around to protect us from." Dorothy said rather cheerily.
Needless to say, the guys were not happy with this, and Dorothy had to pull out the shock collar to keep the Cowardly Lion from going anywhere. The poor bloke was shocked whenever he tried to run to a safer place.
As they went into the land of the munchkins, the place there was already destroyed, fire and blood everywhere.
"GET ME OUT OF HERE!" The Cowardly Lion said, scrambling to run away. "ZZZZZZAAAAGH!"
"You may want to come back here, Lion." Dorothy said as a freshly electrocuted Lion stumbled to back to the group.
"Maybe we should bypass this place." The Tin Man said, clutching his heart clock.
"Nonsense! Let's go!" Dorothy said, pulling the Lion along, the Tin Man following close behind.
On their journey, they decided to spend some time and get caught up with each other, and compared how they were before to how they were now.
(Please note that the following section is based off of Dane Cook's Struck by a Vehicle bit, and the author does not own Dane Cook)
"So, how's life going for you, Dorothy?" The Tin Man asked. "Have you gotten any more interests since we've last seen each other?"
"Actually, yes I have." Dorothy said. The guys leaned in to learn what these interests were all about. "I've always wanted to see someone get hit by a car." Dorothy said.
"Now, why would you want something like that?!" The Cowardly Lion asked. "Isn't that a bad thing to see?"
"Well, I would help them afterward, silly!" Dorothy said, flicking his nose. "But for some reason, I've always wanted to see someone go sailing through the air, their blood going everywhere! I've always been at a scene of the person hitting, but I've never been able to see anything else! I'd be sitting on the sidewalk in Kansas just waiting for it and whenever I turn around for just a minute to order an ice cream cone, I hear the thud and when I turn around the poor fellow's already on the ground."
The boys were obviously shaken by this news and her weird desires. "Ok, well we're coming up to the start of the Grey Asphalt Road, we may be able to see something there." the Tin Man said, unsure of whether or not he should've given her that sort of information.
"YAY!" Dorothy said.
Soon they came to a road with a lot of traffic passing. The gang was waiting for the traffic light to turn green so they could cross safely.
"Now, when the sign over there says "walk" we may pass." Dorothy said. When the light turned green on their side, they started crossing the street. Dorothy turned back to the street for a brief moment and sighed. "Just what is up with these monkeys anyway? And where the heck are we going if we're going to follow them and make them tell us why they're being so weird?!"
Just then, a male jogger came walking down the street with headphones in his ears, doing a weird walk as if he was walking to the beat of a tambourine or something to that nature.
So as Johnny Tambourine continues to walk down the road, he gets the "not a very good time to cross" signal in which the red hand was flashing red. When it had stopped flashing, the guy was just getting out into the street as a red Dodge (driven by one of the monkeys, might I say) came speeding down the street. Dorothy saw this, and her smile grew extremely wide.
"Yes." She said in a silent, yet triumphant way. The Tin Man tried to tap her on the shoulder, but Dorothy wouldn't let him distract her before this was to occur. "Don't talk to me." she said, keeping a good eye on the jogger. "I gotta see this."
As soon as the car hit Johnny in the hip (which is your center of gravity, by the way), he did a 180 flip in the air, his shoes being kicked off of his feet. He landed perfectly on his feet, his pants falling down as well. A wide grin came to Dorothy's face as she saw blood coming from his ears, and quickly hid it when she was going to see if he was alright.
Now, Dorothy would like me to add that for the record, she did try to help this poor unfortunate soul. As the car was about to hit him, she reached out to him and gave out a little moan. "UH!" She said rather quietly. She would also like me to add that she would've said, "YOU'RE ABOUT TO GET STRUCK BY A VEHICLE!" but had no time to at this moment in time.
"Are you ok?" she asked sincerely.
"Yeah, yeah I'm fine!" Johnny said. "My uh, hip's just sore that's all."
"No, you're bleeding from the ears!" Dorothy said, giving him a helping hand.
"Yeah, I do that just to get the excess fluid out of my brain!" Johnny said, trying to cover up his stupid mistake. "My family has that ability, it's actually part of our genes!"
"Speaking of jeans, yours are around your ankles, sir." The Tin Man said.
"Oh!" Johnny said, pulling up his trousers in an embarrassed way.
"Perhaps you should sit down." Dorothy said.
"No, I'm fine this happens a lot." Johnny said. "Has anyone seen my shoes?! I uh, love getting hit by cars and uh, when I do, I kick my shoes off in a fit of joy! I'm like Brittany Spears when I get hit by cars! Hit me baby one more time!" he grabbed hold of his shoes which were offered to him by the Lion. "Thank you, now if you excuse me, I need to go throw up shards of my pelvis into this bush." With that, he ducked his head into a rose bush and started throwing up. "BLEEECH! OW! THORNS! BLEEEECH!"
So, after this little occurrence, the gang headed off toward where the monkeys were, this time making sure that they were going the right way. When they reached the lair of the monkeys, they were let in presently, and went forward to see the leader of the monkeys.
"ALRIGHT PEOPLES IN THE HOUSE! STATE YOUR PURPOSE HERE!" The lead monkey roared. With this, the Lion fainted, getting shocked on his way down.
"Well, there's no need to shout." Dorothy said, refusing to turn off the collar.
The monkey cocked his head to the side. "WHAT?!" He shouted.
"I said there's no need to shout." Dorothy said.
"I CAN'T HEAR YOU! SPEAK UP!" The head monkey shouted. A monkey came forward and took the ear buds out of the leader's ears. "Oh, thank you." Said the lead monkey. "Now, state your purpose here."
"Well, your followers are terrorizing the land and we're here to respectfully ask why you are making your fellow monkeys do this." The Tin Man said.
"Ah, yes!" The Monkey King said. "Well, we, the monkeys, have run out of food for us to eat! We are starving, and having been once savage monkeys, we have no choice but to resort to eating flesh and blood to satisfy our hunger so we don't starve to death."
"Why don't you just eat the coconuts you keep throwing at everyone?" Dorothy asked.
The monkey facepalmed and had one of the monkeys bring forth a large vat of flaming coconuts, pulling one out of the vat with a pair of metal tongs. "Do you see these things?!" he shouted, shaking the tongs for emphasis. "Do they look edible to you?!"
"Well, why not just put them out with water?" The Lion choked, still being electrocuted.
"Well, we've tried, but they've made our water supply dry up as well!" The lead monkey said, putting the coconut back. "They won't be put out no matter what we do!"
"Well, what do you usually eat?" The Tin Man said. "Surely we could find something for you."
"Well, you could try, but I'm afraid everywhere in Oz is sold out of our favorite and only edible food." He paused for dramatic effect.
"Someone's jacked our Crumpets and Tea!"
Dorothy looked from side to side and stepped back behind the Tin Man. "What kind of crumpets?" she asked.
"Jelly filled of course!" The Monkey King said. "They are the only thing that resembles blood gushing out of a human body, yo!"
Dorothy now hid behind the Lion, who was now dead from overuse of the electric collar.
"DOROTHY!" The Tin Man said. "You bought all of the jelly-filled crumpets in Oz didn't you?! And I distinctly remember us drinking over 3 gallons of tea before setting out on this adventure."
"Well, perhaps there was a little bit of tea drinking involved, but how do you know I bought them?!" Dorothy said defensively.
"Now, that's just jacked up girl!" The Monkey King said. "You must pay for your crimes with either your crumpets and tea or your life!" he crossed his arms. "What do you say about that?"
Dorothy thought for a minute. "I say…EAT ELECTRIC METAL, MONKEY SCUM!" She took the collar off of the Lion and put it on the Tin Man, then pushed him forward into the monkeys, who were all electrocuted. "PEACE OUT, YO!" She ran for her life, using her FISTS OF FURY to fight off the rest of the monkey army as the monkeys pushed the Tin Man off of them and into the vat of the flaming coconuts. The coconuts were extinguished and the Tin Man melted down all in a matter of minutes.
"Hey!" the Monkey King said. "Molten metal puts the coconuts out! ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, EVERONE IN THE HIZ-HOUSE! WE HAVE FOUND A REMEDY TO THE HUNGER PROBLEMS!" The monkeys cheered and were called off the hunt for blood and joined in the feast of coconuts.
Jake woke up from his weird dream and shook his head. "What in the name of Mrs. Carlson was THAT?!" He asked, thinking about this latest dream. He shrugged after a little while and fell back asleep to dream about cats doing the conga around him. "Stupid dreams being so weird."
The (very weird) End!
Thank you very much for reading! A big shout-out to my friend Jake who has made my mind this way. I hope you enjoyed the story. I own absolutely nothing in this story except for my freaky imagination. Also, Sorry for not updating Oblivion or The King and the Huntress often, but I'm working on it. I've been battling some serious writer's block. Anyways, please review this story, I know it's kind of a comedy bit, but either way, I'd like to know how I might make things like this better. Thanks again, and have a nice day!