Disclaimer: FY's not mine. I only claim rights to this story, and the idea
behind it.
Author's Note: Nak x Tama fic. Happens after Tamahome's abduction but before he is drugged. This chapter is written in Tamahome's POV.
Why do I feel? By Josh Hal
Chapter 1: Tamahome
I'm a man of need.
That's the only thought that comes into mind whenever I try to rationalize why I keep having these dreams. Dreams of sleeping with the enemy...dreams of sleeping with another man...How can this be? I love Miaka, don't I?
Maybe it's just the distance – right, that's it. It's simply a longing for someone else's touch. Oh! What I would give to be with you right now, Miaka. But it can't be. I have to stand firm...hold my ground. I've got to fulfill my vow...and if doing so will take every ounce of self-control inside me, then so be it. I just know I have to keep my end of the deal.
But WHY...why am I even having these thoughts? Is it because he's elusive and drop-dead gorgeous? Now I truly realize the allure of forbidden fruit. I should hate him, dang it. But no, I just can't seem to focus when he looks me in the eye with those deep blue eyes of his. I put on a brave front – my poker face – but deep within I melt. I melt with longing, wishing I could stare into those depths for eternity. Wishing he'd proclaim his love for me, too...and promise me that despite the odds, we'll eventually be together forever.
Really, come to think of it, now I know why I try to be so mean to him. It's my defense mechanism kicking in – reassuring myself that I don't need him. As if spurning him will fill the void that only his loving can fill...but what else can I do? He detests vulnerability. At least this way, he won't find me so repulsive as to not care about me at all. Even if I get to his nerves, at least he's still aware of my presence. After all, anything's better than being forgotten.
On the other hand, what could he be feeling? I've seen his eyes wandering towards my direction...and staying there. Is he checking me out?! Nah...he's probably just keeping an eye on me. After all, one can't be too trusting of one's enemy...and I'm not just an enemy, I could well be his worst enemy. But why do I get this feeling....this feeling that inwardly, he wants me too? Must be my mind playing tricks on me again...
Well, the good thing is, he's been with other men before. I can't believe I'm even saying such things...but at least he won't find this sort of thing odd...or worse yet, impossible. At first, when I'd heard that he'd been the emperor's toy I couldn't believe my ears. How can such a powerful man allow himself to be subjugated, abused even, like that? But now I can't help but believe...I mean, if I were the emperor, and he was this naïve 12 year old with little control over his powers, I'd probably have done the same thing. Not that I have pedophilic tendencies...I wouldn't even have thought of such a thing if it were anybody else. But he...he is just so beautiful and alluring and perfect. Anyone would find it hard to resist such a rare find.
Anyway, back to the present...what should I do? Should I act on my desire? No, that'd probably make things worse...but if I don't, that SOB Tomo will probably hook him sooner or later. I can't believe I have to fight with such a freak. He should just go back to where he came from. But hard as it is for me to admit, as of now, I know he's got a better chance at him than I do. They at least belong to the same team. And while he can please him by doing his bidding, what can I do? Keep Yui preoccupied? Right...like that's of any help to him. He could probably send any young, eager guy to woo her and she'd fall for him right away. After all, the guy would probably be honored to accompany his miko...and as for Yui, well I think she's just downright horny. I mean, how can a sensible young lady fall for brash, money-grubbing ol' me? It's sad to see such a prospect become so wasted...if she wasn't so needy, maybe I'd even grow to like her. But with all that clinging, I can't believe anyone willingly getting involved with her...at least anyone not called Suboshi.
All of which brings us to my appearance...come to think of it, what did she see in me? I mean, as far as I'm concerned, I'm nothing out of the ordinary. Sure, I stay fit and all, but you could easily pick three guys from the street and have two similarly fit blokes. So does that mean I'm good-looking? Sheesh...Hotohori's good-looking...same goes for you-know-who...but little ol' me? That's couldn't possibly be true. But hopefully he finds me good-looking, too...well if not good-looking, at least better-looking than that freak, Tomo.
Seriously, I don't know how much more of this I can take. I mean, being lovey-dovey with Yui's fine, but maintaining my hard stance against him is fast becoming unbearable. How I now understand what it means to love and hate at the same time! You just can't help but try to hate someone you love but can't have. Wait...did I just say love? See where this is leading? At first, it's simply attraction but now love...all this pent-up desire is really making me a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. I just hope something happens soon, or I might find myself going nuts just trying to keep all this bottled-up inside.
Oh! There he is again...talking to mistress Yui...I can't help but loathe his flirting with her every time I see them together. I know he's only doing that because he needs her, but I still hate it all the same. Uh-oh...he's looking over this way...I have to stay calm...deep-breaths...don't look at him...not yet! At least not before he looks away! But alas...I look and our eyes meet.
Did he smile? Or was it just a snicker? Well at least I know I still hold his interest. Now all I've got to do is figure out how to turn that interest into desire.
Author's Note: Nak x Tama fic. Happens after Tamahome's abduction but before he is drugged. This chapter is written in Tamahome's POV.
Why do I feel? By Josh Hal
Chapter 1: Tamahome
I'm a man of need.
That's the only thought that comes into mind whenever I try to rationalize why I keep having these dreams. Dreams of sleeping with the enemy...dreams of sleeping with another man...How can this be? I love Miaka, don't I?
Maybe it's just the distance – right, that's it. It's simply a longing for someone else's touch. Oh! What I would give to be with you right now, Miaka. But it can't be. I have to stand firm...hold my ground. I've got to fulfill my vow...and if doing so will take every ounce of self-control inside me, then so be it. I just know I have to keep my end of the deal.
But WHY...why am I even having these thoughts? Is it because he's elusive and drop-dead gorgeous? Now I truly realize the allure of forbidden fruit. I should hate him, dang it. But no, I just can't seem to focus when he looks me in the eye with those deep blue eyes of his. I put on a brave front – my poker face – but deep within I melt. I melt with longing, wishing I could stare into those depths for eternity. Wishing he'd proclaim his love for me, too...and promise me that despite the odds, we'll eventually be together forever.
Really, come to think of it, now I know why I try to be so mean to him. It's my defense mechanism kicking in – reassuring myself that I don't need him. As if spurning him will fill the void that only his loving can fill...but what else can I do? He detests vulnerability. At least this way, he won't find me so repulsive as to not care about me at all. Even if I get to his nerves, at least he's still aware of my presence. After all, anything's better than being forgotten.
On the other hand, what could he be feeling? I've seen his eyes wandering towards my direction...and staying there. Is he checking me out?! Nah...he's probably just keeping an eye on me. After all, one can't be too trusting of one's enemy...and I'm not just an enemy, I could well be his worst enemy. But why do I get this feeling....this feeling that inwardly, he wants me too? Must be my mind playing tricks on me again...
Well, the good thing is, he's been with other men before. I can't believe I'm even saying such things...but at least he won't find this sort of thing odd...or worse yet, impossible. At first, when I'd heard that he'd been the emperor's toy I couldn't believe my ears. How can such a powerful man allow himself to be subjugated, abused even, like that? But now I can't help but believe...I mean, if I were the emperor, and he was this naïve 12 year old with little control over his powers, I'd probably have done the same thing. Not that I have pedophilic tendencies...I wouldn't even have thought of such a thing if it were anybody else. But he...he is just so beautiful and alluring and perfect. Anyone would find it hard to resist such a rare find.
Anyway, back to the present...what should I do? Should I act on my desire? No, that'd probably make things worse...but if I don't, that SOB Tomo will probably hook him sooner or later. I can't believe I have to fight with such a freak. He should just go back to where he came from. But hard as it is for me to admit, as of now, I know he's got a better chance at him than I do. They at least belong to the same team. And while he can please him by doing his bidding, what can I do? Keep Yui preoccupied? Right...like that's of any help to him. He could probably send any young, eager guy to woo her and she'd fall for him right away. After all, the guy would probably be honored to accompany his miko...and as for Yui, well I think she's just downright horny. I mean, how can a sensible young lady fall for brash, money-grubbing ol' me? It's sad to see such a prospect become so wasted...if she wasn't so needy, maybe I'd even grow to like her. But with all that clinging, I can't believe anyone willingly getting involved with her...at least anyone not called Suboshi.
All of which brings us to my appearance...come to think of it, what did she see in me? I mean, as far as I'm concerned, I'm nothing out of the ordinary. Sure, I stay fit and all, but you could easily pick three guys from the street and have two similarly fit blokes. So does that mean I'm good-looking? Sheesh...Hotohori's good-looking...same goes for you-know-who...but little ol' me? That's couldn't possibly be true. But hopefully he finds me good-looking, too...well if not good-looking, at least better-looking than that freak, Tomo.
Seriously, I don't know how much more of this I can take. I mean, being lovey-dovey with Yui's fine, but maintaining my hard stance against him is fast becoming unbearable. How I now understand what it means to love and hate at the same time! You just can't help but try to hate someone you love but can't have. Wait...did I just say love? See where this is leading? At first, it's simply attraction but now love...all this pent-up desire is really making me a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. I just hope something happens soon, or I might find myself going nuts just trying to keep all this bottled-up inside.
Oh! There he is again...talking to mistress Yui...I can't help but loathe his flirting with her every time I see them together. I know he's only doing that because he needs her, but I still hate it all the same. Uh-oh...he's looking over this way...I have to stay calm...deep-breaths...don't look at him...not yet! At least not before he looks away! But alas...I look and our eyes meet.
Did he smile? Or was it just a snicker? Well at least I know I still hold his interest. Now all I've got to do is figure out how to turn that interest into desire.