God Bless the U.S.A.
Part 1
"Man, what a beautiful day for a barbeque!" Stan said. He, Bullock and his CIA buddies were outside of the CIA headquarters for a barbeque on a July afternoon. Bullock was managing the barbeque, cooking hot dogs and hamburgers. Stan was by the cooler and on the cooler was a CD player. All of the agents had wine except for Bullock.
"Well, I hope the weather stays this nice until after the day after tomorrow." Bullock stated.
"Yeah." Stan agreed. In less then 48 hours it would be the Fourth of July. "I love America; therefore, July 4th is my favorite holiday." He had a drink of his wine.
"I hope the weather stays this nice for the whole week." Jackson said.
"Hey Stan," Reginald said to him. Stan looked at the koala. "What are you going to do with your family? Are you going to see the fireworks?"
"You bet'cha! We'll see the fireworks, watch The Patriot and Hayley and Steve are going to sing America the Beautiful and My Country, 'tis of thee. It's a tradition to have the kids singing American songs ever since Hayley was four years old and we had Steve sing with his sister when he was four. It also has been a tradition to see fireworks, watch American movies and go to American restaurants. It had been going on ever since. We used to go to the parade every year too, but now that the kids are older, we stopped. He took another sip of his wine.
"Wow Stan, you sure like tradition."
"Yes, yes I do." Bullock put Stan's hot dog in a bun and gave it to him.
"Here is your hot dog Stan."
"Thank you." Stan sat his wine down on the cooler and took a bite out of his hot dog.
"Hey!" Jackson piped up. "What is a party without music?" He turned on the CD player and I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy started playing.
"In the words of Weird Al," Stan started as he began to dance. "It's a party in the CIA!"
"That was terrible!" Roger shouted at Steve and Hayley as Stan came in. He was dressed as a composer with a powered wig on his head. Jeff was watching on the couch. Francine was in the kitchen, making chocolate chip cookies and Klaus was in his bowl with a fish size Uncle Sam hat on his head. "Just terrible! You call that singing? Even Klaus can sing better then you two and he is awful at singing!" Klaus rolled his eyes.
"Gee," He said sarcastically. "That makes me feel much better!"
"I think you sang great, babe!" Jeff told her, trying to be polite."Roger looked at him in shock.
"What's wrong with you?" He wanted to know. "Oh yeah, marriage!" Hayley hugged Jeff.
"Thanks Jeff," She told him. "But it's okay, I know we sucked."
"Well," Steve stated. "We only sucked because we don't want to sing this year." This shocked Stan.
"What?" He wanted to know, rushing to his kids. "But you and your sister must sing; it's tradition!"
"That's just it, Dad." Steve told him. "We been doing it for years!"
"Yeah, Dad." Hayley agreed. "Steve and I might've liked singing for you and Mom when we were little, but it's getting old and we're not little anymore." She hung on to her husband. "Plus, I was going to go to the County Fair with Jeff for the Fourth."
"And my friends and I were planning to shoot our own fireworks." Steve added. "And we were going to go to the fair with them until twilight."
"But…but…" Stan stuttered. He began to sing from Fiddler on the Roof. "Traditioooooon! Tradition!"
"We're tired of doing the same old things." Hayley explained. "It's time for a change."
"NOOOOOOO!" Stan screamed. "What has the world come to?" Francine came in with a tray of red, white, and blue chocolate chip cookies and a newspaper and comforted her husband, by putting a hand on his shoulder.
"Relax Stan." She said to him. Stan had tears in his eyes. He looked at his wife.
"The kids don't want to sing anymore, Francine." He sniffed.
"I know." She said. "And I think it's wonderful." Stan looked at her in shock as she gave Steve, Hayley and Roger a cookie. She also tossed one to Klaus who jumped out of his bowl like a dolphin and cought it in his mouth.
"What? You knew about this?" His wife nodded. "And you agreed to this?" Again, Francine nodded. "But.. but why?"
"I thought it was a terrific idea."
"But… but…tradition! I didn't mind about cancelling the parade on our agenda, but what about the other stuff?"
"I know Stan but things change. Hayley and Steve are older. You just to have to let it go."
"But…but…the songs!" Francine frowned, shaking her head.
"Sorry Stan."
"I can sing." Klaus offered. The family all whipped their heads at him. He went to the surface and began to sing poorly.
"Mein country tis of thee, sweet land of..."
"NO!" They all shouted. Roger slapped the fish on the cheek. Klaus rubbed it where it hurt.
"No!" Roger snapped. "No singing! And it's my country, not mein country, sheech; if you're going to sing it poorly, sing it right! Ugh! That's the last thing we need is an American song sung by a German." He snatched away Klaus' Uncle Sam hat. "And why are you in an Uncle Sam hat; you don't deserve to wear it!" Klaus sighed. He sunk back down in his bowl. He stated eating his cookie, which luckily for him, wasn't taken away by Roger.
Francine sat on the couch and started reading the newspaper.
"Fine, " He said. "Then in speaking of change, I propose we start celebrating German Unification Day on every October 3rd that I'm in this family. We always celebrate America's Independence Day, but not Germany's when it got reunited."
"Well, that's easy." Stan responded. "That's because we're not German." Klaus sighed.
"Guess I'll have to celebrate German Unification Day alone…again. It was made into a holiday in 1990 because of the Berlin Wall finally coming down." Francine then stood up immediately, her eyes wide. Klaus resumed eating his cookie
"Oh my gosh!" She said. The family looked at her in question.
"What it is Mom? Hayley wanted to know. Francine showed her family the headline of the newspaper. It read 'President's Daughter kidnapped.'
"Which daughter?" Stan asked. Francine took down the newspaper.
"Sasha." She replied.
"Sasha? Is that the youngest one?" Francine nodded.
"Just turned eleven last month."
"Well, that's too bad. Hope they get her back in time or their Forth of July is going to suck." Francine nodded again.
"Hope so too. The kidnapper left a note for him."
"Really? What did it say?"
"The kidnapper is Aamir Galzar from Afghanistan. He was a follower of Osama Bin Laden."
"Why did he kidnap Sasha, Mom?" Steve wanted to know.
"He didn't approve of the Navy Seals killing Osama. Said he won't give up Sasha until Obama goes to war with Iraq."
"Why would he want another war?" Hayley asked. "How does that benefit him at all? Didn't they want Western influence out of their region?"
"Hayley, these men are violent and insane." Stan said.
"But we just got out of war."
"I know. He even threatened another 9/11 attack on us on the nation's birthday if Obama doesn't agree with the war."
"He can't do that!" Steve said. "U.S soldiers just came home. Doesn't he know that he'll be separating families again that just got reunited?"
"That's what war is." Stan answered. Steve looked at his dad. "They may not like it at first, but at the end it's well worth it knowing that they fought for our country, turning them into true American heroes. We have our troops over there, still fighting."
"I know what war is, Dad! It's just sad thinking that they might die in the war, never coming home to the family they left behind."
"It is sad, Steve. But it's the truth, the cold-hearted truth."
"I know it is. It's just…sad."
When the family went to the car after eating at Dennys', Steve began hopping in place.
"Oooh!" He said. "I got to go!"
"Steve," Stan told him. "We just left the restaurant, can't you hold it until we get home?"
"I can't! If I don't go now, I might go in the car."
"EEW!" Hayley screeched in disgust. "You're not going on to do that; sicko!" Stan and Francine agreed in disgust.
"Fine!" Stan declared. "Just go! Don't be long though!" Steve ran back to the restaurant.
"I won't!" Steve promised. He went inside. The rest of the family went to the SUV.
Steve came out of Denny's a few minutes later when he heard a faint crying. He stopped and looks around.
"Who's there?" He asks. The crying continued. He noticed that the crying was coming from a nearby candy truck. He went near the truck and peered in the window. He gasped at what he saw, the missing daughter of the President!
"MOM, DAD!" Steve shouted later, pounding the car door to the SUV. Stan and Francine saw Steve and they come out. Stan from his side and Francine from her's. Hayley, Roger and Jeff come out of the back door. Roger was wearing a blonde wig and a black biker's jacket in jeans.
"Steve, what is it?" Francine wanted to know, looking worried.
"About time!" Roger shouted. "Who goes to the bathroom for seven minutes?"
"Sorry," Steve said. "There was a line." Roger rolled his eyes.
"Sure! There's always a line!"
"Steve!" Stan scolded, coming up to him. "Don't pound on the window! Don't you know how much an SUV costs?"
"Sorry Dad!" Steve apologized. "But you don't know who I just saw crying in the back of a truck?"
"Jim Carrey?" Roger guessed.
"No."
"Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson?"
"No."
"Luke Skywalker?"
"No, and Luke Skywalker isn't a real person."
"True, but still we wish that fictional characters are real sometimes."
"Well, yeah, I guess I'll admit to that."
"Just tell us who it was son." Stan said to Steve.
"The Presidents' daughter!" The Smiths looked at Steve like he was crazy.
"What?" Stan asked.
"Come again?" Francine wanted to know.
"Sasha Obama!" Steve replied. "The daughter of the president of the United States!" Stan and Francine exchange puzzled looks.
"Come on!" Steve encouraged them. "I'll show you!" He rushed off. The rest of the family followed him, still not believing what the boy has just told them.
"Steve," Stan told his son when they were by the truck. "I know that the newspaper reported that Sasha was kidnapped, but are you sure it's her? Maybe it was another little girl that was kidnapped that looks like her!" Steve halted in his tracks and looked at his father.
"You're right." He said, hanging his head in shame. "Maybe it is just another kidnapped girl that looks like her." He looked at his parents. "I'm sorry I wasted your time."
"It's okay son." Stan told him. "You were just confused was all. Now come on, let's go home."
"Kay." Steve agreed sadly.
"Aren't we going to do the right thing and call the police about the kidnapping?" Jeff asked. Roger looked at him.
"Jeff," He told him. "As you probably already know, we don't always do the right thing in this family, especially me."
"But..."
"Jeff!" Hayley called to him. "Let's go!" Jeff sighed.
"Kay."
They headed back towards the SUV. Roger stopped and looked at the license plate of the truck. It said 'ILVBGBTZ'. The alien bursts out laughing. Hayley stops and looks at him.
"Roger?" Hayley asked. "You coming?" Roger looked at her, still laughing.
"Oh Hayley!" He started. "You will not believe what this license place says! I finally got it! It says 'I love big butts.' Hayley dragged the laughing Roger away.
"'I love big butts'!" Roger laughed. "Who would have thought and on a candy truck too!"
"Come on funny alien." Hayley said to him.
Two men in turbans then came out of the restaurant. One man was tall and the other was short. The short man had a newspaper under his arm. They both bowed at Hayley and Roger.
"Hello Miss." The short one says to Hayley. Hayley stops to smile at him.
"Oh hello." Hayley told him.
"Did you know your license says 'I love big butts?'" Roger asked the man. Hayley nudged him hard in the shoulder.
"Ouch!" Roger yelps in pain, nursing his shoulder.
"Sorry about my brother." Hayley apologized.
"It's okay." The man said, grinning. "'I love big butts'" is pretty funny. Luckily though, it not ours. It's a rental."
"Why would you pick out a truck that says that?" Hayley inquired. The man shrugged.
"I have no idea." He then walked to the other men. Hayley continued dragging Roger to her family.
"You know," Roger told her. "You don't have to drag me; you could carry me." Hayley let him go and the two continued towards Stan's SUV.
"Hey," The man that was talking to Hayley said to the other man. The other man looked at him. The short man handed the taller man the newspaper he was now reading. "I think you better take a look at this." The other man took it and skimmed through it.
"They're looking for her." The short man said. "They know we kidnapped the President's daughter."
Hayley stopped, eyes wide and watched as the taller man slap the other man's head with the newspaper.
"Idiot!" The man said. "Of course they know! Our boss wrote a note to him, remember?"
"Oh yeah."
"Now, let's go see how she's doing."
"Right."
"Oh my gosh!" Hayley said, quietly to herself. "My brother was right!" She looked at a nearby bush. "Quick Roger!" she told the alien. "Into the bush!"
"Why?" Roger wanted to know. "Are we playing 'hide from our parents?' First Steve and now you. I don't know what you're getting yourself into Hayley….but I'm in!" Before he could follow Hayley, she pulled him behind the bushes. He screamed.
"Hey!" He snapped at her. "I was just going to follow you! Didn't you hear me saying 'I'm in' and I want chocolate!"
"Shhhh!" Hayley shushed Roger. She and Roger looked out as the tall man pulled open the back door of the truck. The girl looked at them. She stopped crying and looked mad.
"You better let me go!" She commanded. "My daddy, the President of this country, will make you two and your boss sorry!" Both men laughed. The taller man rubbed her head.
"You're cute kid. We'll let you go only if your daddy agrees to finish what the war with us."
"My daddy will never agree to another war very close to the last one!" While all of this was happening, Roger sneaked towards the back of the truck and took the unopened candy bar and the napkin that was near Sasha. He quickly ran back to where Hayley was. Hayley, who didn't see Roger sneak off, glared at Roger madly as he gave a sheepish grin and shrug. The tall man chucked again. Roger and Hayley looked back at the two kidnappers and kidnapped girl.
"He will when he sees that we have his precious daughter!" The men laughed as the short man closed the door and both went in front. The truck started its engine and was off.
"Hurry Roger!" Hayley told him as Roger unwrapped the candy bar and took a bite. "Let's tell Dad and the others!" She then bumped into Stan.
"Tell me what?" he wanted to know. "Hayley, Roger, we were waiting for you! Now stop stalling and come home with us this instant!"
"Dad! We got to follow that truck; the President's daughter is in it!" This made Steve cheery.
"I knew it!" He said.
"Hayley," Stan said. "Not you too!"
"I saw her too." Roger pointed out. "And she did refer to herself as 'the President's daughter' so I think it's her."
"For the last time," Stan said. "It wasn't her! It was just another African American that looks like her."
"How do you know, Stan?" Francine asked her husband. "Maybe it was her." Stan looked at her.
"But Francine,"
"Three people of this family all say it was her, so maybe it was. Ether way, we should call the police. Kidnapping is illegal." Stan sighed.
"You're right, we should call the police."
"NO!" Steve shouted. His parents looked at him. "That'll take too long. We can call the police after we save Sasha." His parents agreed and were about to rush off when they saw jellybeans on the ground, perfectly making a trail.
"Look!" Steve said. "A trail of jellybeans! Sasha must've left these so that people can find her!"
"Ugh!" Roger complained with the candy wrapper in hand, hints of chocolate were all over his mouth. "Litter. Some people have no respect for the environment whatsoever." He then threw away his candy wrapper to the trashcan. It missed and landed on the ground. "I'm not picking that up." He wiped his mouth with the napkin and threw it to the trash. Again it missed and landed on the ground with the wrapper. "I'm not picking that up either."
"Perfect!" Stan said. "Let's follow the jellybeans!"
"Yes!" Roger cheered. "An American Dad story from this author where Klaus isn't the star!"
"Family," Stan told them. "Let's go save the President's daughter!"
"Yeah!" Everybody cheered and followed the trail of jellybeans.
"You know." Roger began. "Eventually the jellybeans will run out. What will we do then?"
"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it." Francine told the alien. Roger smiled.
"Whatever! I'm just glad that the author finally wrote a story where Klaus isn't the star." Jeff looked at him.
"You hate him that much, don't you?" He said. Roger frowned.
"You have no idea."
"Well, I like him. I say he's one cool fish. Give him a chance, someday you might like him too."
"Yeah, not going to happen."