Contradiction
You love him too, don't you? Humans are so foolish… so predictable. . .
Neh, Misuzu-senpai, I've seen the way you look at him! You like Kakeru-kun, don't you?
Feh. Don't see why you'd like such an idiot. Well, whatever. Good luck and all that other happy stuff. 'Course, you need to pull Yuka away from him firs'. That'be a sight to see.
oOoOoOo
I've always watched from afar. Watched as they smiled into each other's eyes, heard them exchange sweet words of adoration, witnessed their embraces. It seemed the closest I could ever come to the humane world of love was this, watching others experience it, wondering what it felt like.
I didn't mind. I was happy. I observed Takahisa, the infuriating twerp, and Yukiko with a smile, encouraging the, wishing them well. It warmed my heart with a bittersweet feeling. They were so full of life, so wonderful. So content. I was glad at least a few of us would get their happy endings. That was enough for me.
oOoOoOo
Kakeru-kun is mine. He'll always be mine. We'll be together forever and ever and ever, just like a fairytale.
Yuka! Yukaaaaaaaaaa! No, don't hurt her! Let her go! Hurt me instead!
Kakuer-kun! Kakeru-kun! I love you!
Help me, Misuzu-senpai. Teach me how to fight.
Your desire to protect Yuka-kun... it blinds you. You don't consider your surroundings at all! First, calm down. Everything else comes after that. If you're distracted and not thinking, then you have no chance to win.
Do you want to protect her?
Yes. I have to!
The words are there, but they're not reflected by your body. You're emotions aren't giving you any power. Was there resolution in the sword you held? Resolution is the attainment of enlightenment. But your feelings haven't attained that state yet. You need to train your mind before you train your body. You must turn your emotions into power! Think only of that.
I'll do anything. Whatever it takes.
I know that.
I love you, Kakeru.
oOoOoOo
As I sit, the tips of my gloved fingers running across the smooth surface of the brilliant blade, I wonder, why? Why is it I envy her, hate her, yet love her all the same? How can I be happy that she is the one who lifts his spirits, yet be miserable to the fact that I cannot? Knowing that while I protect him, I can never have him, for he will always be protecting her from harm?
I know now that he cares for me no more than he cares for his other platonic friends. She is his whole world. And he is mine. As long as I live, he lives, and she lives.
It hurts.
A single tear traces its way down my cheek, splattering against the glistening metal I hold in my hands. The water sparkles in the sunlight, its reflection on the other side of the glass doing the same.
But the mirror lies.
A serene, collected girl gazes back at me, her violet eyes clear and solemn, her thin lips drawn in a rueful, gentle smile. Her long, scarlet hair tumbles down her shoulders, the image of her clothed fingers touching mine.
It lies.
That's not me.
oOoOoOo
No. No.
It's impossible.
I'm no longer human. I'm no longer human.
A demon. A monster.
Then why do I feel this? It's a human emotion.
Love.
It's not real, it can't be real. Not for a monster like me, it can't be real. I don't deserve this.
It's just a word. Just a farce. It will pass in time.
oOoOoOo
A bitter laugh escapes my lips. She's not me, that girl who watches me with unsullied eyes. She's not me, the blameless girl with a chance at a normal, innocent, happy life. She never was me. But at the same time, she inexplicably is. She always was.
Somehow, she is me and I am her. Somehow, somehow, a regular human and a abnormal demon melded together into this.
It hurts to know my whole life is nothing but a contradiction.
oOoOoOo
Demon blood courses through our veins, Misuzu.
But momma… demons can be good, right?
If you're strong enough, yes.
I'll be the goodest demon there ever was! I'll do anything I can!
You're dreams are so beautiful, Mi-chan. Come now, it's bed time. Tomorrow, let's go buy redbean dango. Your favorite.
oOoOoOo
My life is one of ignominy, of shame, of dishonor.
I didn't want to be a demon. As fairytales always claimed, demons were evil, malevolent. They ruined lives. They captured princesses. They destroyed things. They were the epitome of horror and monstrosity.
I wanted to be good more than anything in the world.
My mother assured me that being a good demon was possible. We weren't really demons; the black blood of the oni flowed through our veins, powered us, gave us extraordinary strength and beauty. So if one with these qualities dedicated their life to aiding others, they would no longer be a 'demon'. They'd be somewhat human.
I wanted to be like that.
A good demon. Shattered strength. Idealistic pessimist, a reckless strategist, a reluctant protector, a wise fool. So many broken words, so many ways to describe me…. So many meaningless titles.…
And now another to add.
oOoOoOo
Please, please just notice me. Please, that's all I wanted from you. Maybe if I was extraordinary, maybe if I was amazing, you'd finally acknowledge me as a daughter.
I can't forgive you! You shunned me and my mother! You didn't care what happened to us!
His blood, it paints my fingers. They're red. The stains, the stains, they won't go away. They're there. They're not going away. It won't leave me! I washed my hands as clean as I could. There's not a speck of dirt on me, there's nothing across my pale skin. But it's still there! Make it go away, make it go away! It hurts, it scares me! I…I….
I crippled him for life. I'm glad. I had my revenge.
That's what I tried to tell myself. I tried to be happy in the light that I was stronger than the strongest person I'd ever known. I tried to be happy I got my revenge.
But it was all a lie.
All I ever wanted was for him to notice me.
But now what? I've killed him.
oOoOoOo
Leave! You monster!
How could you do that to Souichi-sama? Without his arms, his life has no meaning!
She has no heart, no honor. She and her mother need to driven out!
What did he do to you? He was your father!
No. No. They're all wrong. He was never my father.
oOoOoOo
I didn't kill Father. But I was as good as killed him. He's crippled for life now, with no use of his arms. To a swordsman, a master one at that, not being able to fight is as good as being dead. His life has no meaning anymore. He withheld everything from me. I took everything from him. We're even now. The scales are balanced. My honor's restored.
That was what I always told myself.
No matter how many times I try to convince myself, I always know it's a lie. All I ever wanted was for him to see me, to know me. I wanted my family. I wanted to laugh and smile knowing my father loved my mother and that they both loved me.
But I murdered him. I destroyed the family I wanted so much. Maybe my being a contradiction myself wasn't enough.
My actions had to be to.
I murdered my own father when I tried to bring him closer. I kept my fellow fragments from battle, hoping to protect them, yet I weakened them at the same time, depriving them of experience. I tried to back out, tried to leave so I wouldn't hurt him emotionally, yet he became physically wounded because of my absence. I tried to love her, yet I hate her more than ever. Everything I wanted, I ended up pushing away.
It's no use.
oOoOoOo
M-misuzu-senpai! What happened?
N-no, don't leave, Misuzu-senpai! You can't leave!
Misuzu, listen to me.
I….I….. I'll do it.
You idiot! What the hell were you thinking?
oOoOoOo
"You've been thinking."
I hear the voice before I feel the tremor of a warm body being lowered to the polished floor beside me. I turn my head slightly, enough to see him. His chaotic blue hair frames his face as he watches me cautiously, his cerulean eye filled with concern. But he smiles all the same as he touches my shoulder gently, his slightly tanned skin looking beige against my white chemise.
"You think too much, Misuzu-senpai," he continues slowly. It saddens me that he still uses honorifics.
"That's how one lives, no?" The sarcastic response is out my mouth before I can stop it. He doesn't seem offended, though, laughing slightly instead. I relax a little.
"There are times when you're so quiet, like you're off in your own world. You just sorta blank out, and don't seem to know what's going on around you. Do you ever let anyone into your head?"
"Occasionally," I respond tersely, twitching Raikiri so it sends a flash of brilliant sunlight across his face. He doesn't blink.
"What were you thinking of?"
"Contradictions," I say immediately, surprised by my compliance. He frowns.
"Contradictions?"
"Yes."
Another tear is making its way down my skin. And another, and another.
A huge, yawning hole is opening up in my chest. I can't stop it.
It hurts too much.
"It's raining," I murmur quietly. Warm, slightly rough fingers brush the beads of water away. He says nothing.
"Sorry," I whisper, the tightness in my throat too much for me to articulate correctly.
Suddenly my face is pressed against soft white fabric, and his arms are around me.
"It's my fault, isn't it?" he demands in a voice that's nearly inaudible. I shake my head vehemently, protesting.
No, no. It was never your fault.
It was mine.
"No. It's not."
"You suck at lying."
"I am not."
"See?"
More tears are dripping onto his jacket, but he doesn't seem to care. "Misuzu…"
He said my name without honorifics.
"…What's wrong?"
Everything.
"Nothing," I say.
"Tell me, Misuzu. I'll wait here as long as I need to."
"You'll be here forever."
"I have time."
I don't need heaven.
If I could stay in this half-world for all eternity
This would all I need.
This is all I need.
oOo Owari oOo
A/N: Another oneshot. It was actually written a long, long long long time ago (half a year!) but I've been too lazy to post it. Well, now I will. I'm not particularly proud of this one, to be honest. It sounded so much better in my head. Well, whatever.
The 'half-world' that I mention at the end is how Misuzu feels about her life—Everything she wants, she pushes away. But she's reasonably happy in it, I think. She has what she needs. She loves Kakeru, but can't have him. She wanted her father's approval, but practically killed him. She wanted her friends to be safe, but took away their experience. But in the end, they're all alive, no? I think Misuzu would have been okay with that.
The 'It's raining' thing was an allusion to Full Metal Alchemist, when Maes Hughes dies and Roy cries, claiming that it's raining even though it's a clear sky that day of the funeral. In a way, it's mu own tribute to him...
Oya, the whole "Misuzu's dad is actually alive" thing...well, turns out in the game he's alive (and gives his blessing to Kakeru and Misuzu's marriage in Misuzu's after story). So yeah. Unlike what I did in 'Power', I made her father live in this one.